Gaeta Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I am NOT justifying or excusing a guy pulling the disappearing act, but I wonder if the reason they disappear, rather than saying "sorry, this isn't working for me," is to keep the door OPEN for them to come back into your life at a later date. With some sorry ass excuse as to why they disappeared. Telling a woman "it''s not working out for me" is more final, and would make it more difficult for him to call and ask her out again, should he change his mind later or whatever.... Nearly every woman who's ever dated knows how often guys DO reach out again, whether it be weeks, months or even years after disappearing. Gaeta you can attest to that no doubt! Old boyfriends or guys you've dated in the past often contact you again at some point, don't they? I dunno, I was just thinking about that and offering it up as a possibility. Again, NOT excusing it cause it's definitely cowardly and weak! For sure! Excellent point my dear !! I have never thought about it that way and it makes a lot of sense!! men in general don't like cutting their bridges especially if you are physically to their liking. I am thinking quickly of those who got back in touch with me after weeks, months, even a couple of years, and yes they had done a disappearing act !! 1
katiegrl Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Excellent point my dear !! I have never thought about it that way and it makes a lot of sense!! men in general don't like cutting their bridges especially if you are physically to their liking. *** I am thinking quickly of those who got back in touch with me after weeks, months, even a couple of years, and yes they had done a disappearing act !!***** Wow... well there ya go!
katiegrl Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 (edited) Excellent point my dear !! I have never thought about it that way and it makes a lot of sense!! men in general don't like cutting their bridges especially if you are physically to their liking. ---------- *** I am thinking quickly of those who got back in touch with me after weeks, months, even a couple of years, and yes they had done a disappearing act !*****! Did they tell you a close family member died, or fell into depression? LOL My own brother likes to use those excuses when he disappears and contacts later.... That way he avoids a chick getting mad at him for disappearing ..... Edited September 27, 2015 by katiegrl
joseb Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Probably some people fade because sometimes you tell someone you're moving on, and they keep clinging on and trying to get you to change your mind. Not that that justifies it... Yip its not a lot of fun to get verbally insulted over multiple calls for simply deciding someone wasnt right for you, and letting them know. Perhaps there would be less ghosting if reactions like this, or pleading not to 'end' it were not so common.
Author cookiemonster26 Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 What if they did apologize and tell you that you deserved to hear the truth why they started acting the way they did, and disappeared for a couple days? Would any of you consider giving the guy another chance after he sort out everything that's going on with his life? Or it will always be a bad idea? I'm sorry OP for using this thread to ask my question, but it can be sort of relevant... I would give the guy another chance and let him explain himself for sure 1
Author cookiemonster26 Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 Maybe I should clarify by saying that if there is a recurring theme in your dating life of someone ghosting you after going out on several dates with you then you have to do a self-assessment. Someone knowing you for months then just disappearing on you should cause you to really evaluate yourself for something that you are doing to cause this. After 5 or so dates, you should have really gained some respect from an individual to at least send you some kind of message. I think that if you just look at it as it has to be something wrong with the other person then you may be missing an opportunity to self-refllect and improve yourself. What I have discovered about myself is that I have really low self esteem and am always paranoid I'm not good enough or saying something stupid to the guy. I also have wanted to take a break from dating for a long time but haven't because my friends and people around me have planted this seed in my head that you need to find someone to be happy and complete in life. I wonder if these thoughts and feelings have something to do with my bad luck dating life
joseb Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 What I have discovered about myself is that I have really low self esteem and am always paranoid I'm not good enough or saying something stupid to the guy. I also have wanted to take a break from dating for a long time but haven't because my friends and people around me have planted this seed in my head that you need to find someone to be happy and complete in life. I wonder if these thoughts and feelings have something to do with my bad luck dating life Screw those friends and people around you. I have never been happier than when im single and that is the truth. Whether or not you are happier single or not is for you to decide. If you want to take a break, take a break.
nescafe1982 Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I've been ghosted a few times, presumably by men who wussed out rather than tell me "no thanks." Like others say, I think there might be a back-burner dimension to this also... it's not a true rejection (even though it is), so it's easier to start things up again if you change your mind. I think maybe it's not about being scared, so much as feeling ambivalent. I have also ghosted men before, unfortunately. In to occasions. Both times, it was because I wasn't feeling the guy, but for no logical reason. In both cases, they were lovely people but I just wasn't interested. I regret pulling the disappearing act on them even now... but a critical part of it was that I kept delaying telling them "no thanks." Kept delaying it each day, until eventually it was too late and would have felt weird to catch up with them just to reject them, you know? At any rate, with online dating, all you can do is not take it personally. In a perfect world, no one would pull a disappearing act. But in this world, it's surprisingly common.
Zippy2000 Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 (edited) Okay! Ghosting! Well lets say I ve ONLY done this once in my entire life and I will give you the reasons why I did it. I must add I dont do it anymore because it can drive a person insane! I dated a girl back in 2007. I was clearly aware she liked me more than I liked her. Everything about her was a drama. I remember once she invited me to her place for dinner and she asked me by text. I remember being at work when I got the text and thought I d reply when I finished. I remember just a few hours after the initial text mesage I started getting texts left, right and centre. One of the texts that sealed her "ghosting fate" was replied in her text a curt "So its avoidance tactics is it"!? I then GHOSTED HER. I never replied ever. After one week, two weeks and so on till this day. I think I hurt her..........badly as she kept on texting me, and then emailing me, and then phoning me. The MORE she came at me the more I walked away. I was young, and naive. Im not proud of it. Empathetically speaking. You woundnt want someone to do it to you so why do it to another human being. I look back at it now and should of said these words to help her move on: "Sorry you are so nice to me but you`re not the one Im looking for". I ve learned later in the years after this. Women do leave you well after alone after hearing those words. Ghosting happens for a reason. I ghosted as I didnt want confrontation from her but mostly I believe in men. They do this as they lack emotional intelligence. I ve learned from it. Its rude and its leaves scars on others. Edited September 28, 2015 by Zippy2000
poofitsgone Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 I think maybe you should try and not come to strong on the guy like not being TOO nice. And not keep your hopes up with anybody, play it cool. If they stay great if not f** them their loss. Let the guy chase you for the first 5+ dates, dont text them let them do it 80- 85% of the time. Play a little hard to get at least for the first month, make them work hard to get you, then you will know if they are really interested. I guess this would depend on the type of person and relationship you want. For me, if I was doing 80% of the work I would assume that your not really interested. And then I'd rather spend my effort finding someone I like who is interested in me rather than chase after someone I like who isn't. Another time a guy invited me to a play as a second date, and then after, said we should just be friends. I thought... Why did you invite me to this play, then??it's a bad feeling especially since, if a guy tries to set up a second date with me, I assume that means he's interested. Apparently that's not necessarily true. I'm not sure if I've read this correctly. Did you go on a second date and then he said he wanted to be friends, or he set up a second date and then friend-zoned you before the date happened? I've never thought of ghosting as happening due to ambivalence although I suppose the end result is just as harmful. I've always thought of it as conflict avoidance. Everyones heard stories of people going crazy over being rejected. I think people are just more afraid of that happening then they care about the other persons feelings.
TheBathWater Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 Had three really good dates with a guy, even told me he likes me. Now he dissapeared. Not sure what I did wrong. I can't help but feel so upset about this. Everyone I date either just wants me for sex or ghosts me after three or four dates. I feel like I'm going to die alone and miserable. I also hate dating. Sigh. Any tips or support would be much appreciated. I'm wondering if I need a break? How frustrating. I have a few suggestions. My number one suggestion is to assess the quality of the people you select to date. If you're not doing so already, be up front in your profile or in the first interaction that you're not into hookups and are looking for a true connection. This has worked for me in terms of decreasing ghosting and wishy-washy types. Now, when it doesn't work, we actually talk about it before we stop dating. Don't just go out with anyone who gets you excited. Go out with someone who gets you excited and is also as intent as you are about finding love. Will you date and get laid less? Yes, but the quality of your dating life will improve massively with some time, practice, and patience. Another suggestion is to try and follow up with the person, with something like "I'm scratching my head trying to figure this out. It seemed like things were going alright, and now not so much. I completely respect if you don't want to see me again, but I'm curious as to what shifted for you." I have gotten responses from people who faded away saying something like this. But usually, the answer doesn't help to lessen my disappointment and frustration over the failed connection. Finally, when you feel you've reached the end of your rope with dating, allow yourself to be angry, put the brakes on, and take time to reflect on your own life and growth. Avoid jumping into another connection to ease the pain, and watch out for drug and alcohol use. Surround yourself with friends. Do creative activities. Eat healthy and exercise often. Treat yourself with the love and kindness you would like a partner to treat you with. Hope some of that is helpful to you. 2
Author cookiemonster26 Posted September 28, 2015 Author Posted September 28, 2015 How frustrating. I have a few suggestions. My number one suggestion is to assess the quality of the people you select to date. If you're not doing so already, be up front in your profile or in the first interaction that you're not into hookups and are looking for a true connection. This has worked for me in terms of decreasing ghosting and wishy-washy types. Now, when it doesn't work, we actually talk about it before we stop dating. Don't just go out with anyone who gets you excited. Go out with someone who gets you excited and is also as intent as you are about finding love. Will you date and get laid less? Yes, but the quality of your dating life will improve massively with some time, practice, and patience. Another suggestion is to try and follow up with the person, with something like "I'm scratching my head trying to figure this out. It seemed like things were going alright, and now not so much. I completely respect if you don't want to see me again, but I'm curious as to what shifted for you." I have gotten responses from people who faded away saying something like this. But usually, the answer doesn't help to lessen my disappointment and frustration over the failed connection. Finally, when you feel you've reached the end of your rope with dating, allow yourself to be angry, put the brakes on, and take time to reflect on your own life and growth. Avoid jumping into another connection to ease the pain, and watch out for drug and alcohol use. Surround yourself with friends. Do creative activities. Eat healthy and exercise often. Treat yourself with the love and kindness you would like a partner to treat you with. Hope some of that is helpful to you. This is super helpful!!! Any tips on how to tell someone early.on that your looking for a true connection and not a hookup (or just say that pretty much)
joseb Posted September 28, 2015 Posted September 28, 2015 This is super helpful!!! Any tips on how to tell someone early.on that your looking for a true connection and not a hookup (or just say that pretty much) If you're using OLD put in in your profile. If not. Yeah. Just say it.
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