Author Nemetona Posted September 29, 2015 Author Posted September 29, 2015 Yeah, he sounds like a pain and a big baby. London is great, seriously and also not easy to "make it there". Culturally Mediterranean people seem to have quite the zest for life, so on the range, he is really off the charts negative. The novelty (even at 13 years) of being someone who MADE choices and followed his path rather than easily stay where he was from usually would give someone excitement for his own life. He sounds permanently depressed I guess it is possible he actually has depression.
ZA Dater Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 I think perceived negativity is often a function of someone who hasn't enjoyed happy experiences, again I speak for myself here. Perhaps he associates London with a hurtful event and thus has nothing positive to say? I firmly believe our intellectual experiences play a massive role in how we are perceived and what we radiated as people. A person who has many friends will inevitably radiate something different to a person who has none. A person who has enjoyed success in life will radiate something different to one who has always endured disappointment. My point with this is, chances are his negativity is a function of what he has experienced, I know mine is. If you like him enough you can change him, its not impossible and chances are HE WANTS to change. My own experience is some people bring out the real best in me and I become a positive forward thinking person. 1
Author Nemetona Posted September 29, 2015 Author Posted September 29, 2015 I think perceived negativity is often a function of someone who hasn't enjoyed happy experiences, again I speak for myself here. Perhaps he associates London with a hurtful event and thus has nothing positive to say? I firmly believe our intellectual experiences play a massive role in how we are perceived and what we radiated as people. A person who has many friends will inevitably radiate something different to a person who has none. A person who has enjoyed success in life will radiate something different to one who has always endured disappointment. My point with this is, chances are his negativity is a function of what he has experienced, I know mine is. If you like him enough you can change him, its not impossible and chances are HE WANTS to change. My own experience is some people bring out the real best in me and I become a positive forward thinking person. I thought it was impossible to change a person? 1
mystikmind2005 Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 Re pessimism/optimism.....without my optimism (to the point where I've been focused on possibility rather than straightforward realism) I would not have achieved an education, my dream career, even the home I live in. I might not even be alive --- accepting the odds and facing 'reality' would have likely resulted in me committing suicide or at the very least giving up on my goals and dreams. Optimism is a weak part of being successful, the real heavy lifter is determination. You cannot rely on the mirage of optimism, when life knocks you down, optimism slaps you in the face and says "hahaha fooled ya sucker, that will teach you for having hope". So what do you do then? It is your inner strength and determination that gets you through. 1
Author Nemetona Posted September 29, 2015 Author Posted September 29, 2015 Optimism is a weak part of being successful, the real heavy lifter is determination. You cannot rely on the mirage of optimism, when life knocks you down, optimism slaps you in the face and says "hahaha fooled ya sucker, that will teach you for having hope". So what do you do then? It is your inner strength and determination that gets you through. Believe me I am speaking from experience! Without my sense of hope and optimism I would not have had the motivation to put myself out there and chase after my goals and dreams. Optimism allowed me to see the bigger picture and focus on what could hopefully be rather than sitting crying wallowing in self pity. Yes, optimism alone is not enough. But in my life optimism and determination have been inextricably linked. 1
ZA Dater Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 I thought it was impossible to change a person? You can definitely change a person, absolutely!
ZA Dater Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 Believe me I am speaking from experience! Without my sense of hope and optimism I would not have had the motivation to put myself out there and chase after my goals and dreams. Optimism allowed me to see the bigger picture and focus on what could hopefully be rather than sitting crying wallowing in self pity. Yes, optimism alone is not enough. But in my life optimism and determination have been inextricably linked. Very inspiring! I think you can change him, just going to be a slow process but I get the feeling you have a very nice bubbly warm personality and that will definitely help a lot.
Versacehottie Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 Believe me I am speaking from experience! Without my sense of hope and optimism I would not have had the motivation to put myself out there and chase after my goals and dreams. Optimism allowed me to see the bigger picture and focus on what could hopefully be rather than sitting crying wallowing in self pity. Yes, optimism alone is not enough. But in my life optimism and determination have been inextricably linked. Yes I would add that negative people like the person OP is describing typically fight their own determination, instead of easily just flow with the great facts and signs in front of them. Book deal=good. Apply a some determination to get to finished product. Rather than, book deal=an uphill battle, a struggle. Therefore in need of EVEN MORE gumption and effort to finished product and may hurt efforts along the way. This saps much more energy and that's why these people are tough. They are energy vampires They use most of their own worrying and complaining about stupid, small stuff and they usually suck you in too--whether it's in a single conversation, a series of them or fighting imaginary battles with them 2
Author Nemetona Posted September 29, 2015 Author Posted September 29, 2015 I've thought some more about this. The reason I keep pondering it is because this guy is very close to being 'boyfriend material.' The pessimism is really the only issue. What I really didn't like was the way he seemed to be trying to put me down. When he was complaining on about tests in schools he immediately said, "well your school was probably more relaxed." I would prefer it if he said, "how come you seem so relaxed about tests?" or something rather than automatically trying to invalidate me. It's like he is excusing his negativity rather than addressing it. He is dyslexic and it seems he is bitter and was perhaps traumatised by his school years and I suspect teachers were mean to him due to his dyslexic. But....he has still managed to get a Phd and become a published author. That is something to be extremely proud of and excited about, not to whine about!!!!! It is an amazing achievement.
Versacehottie Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I've thought some more about this. The reason I keep pondering it is because this guy is very close to being 'boyfriend material.' The pessimism is really the only issue. What I really didn't like was the way he seemed to be trying to put me down. When he was complaining on about tests in schools he immediately said, "well your school was probably more relaxed." I would prefer it if he said, "how come you seem so relaxed about tests?" or something rather than automatically trying to invalidate me. It's like he is excusing his negativity rather than addressing it. He is dyslexic and it seems he is bitter and was perhaps traumatised by his school years and I suspect teachers were mean to him due to his dyslexic. But....he has still managed to get a Phd and become a published author. That is something to be extremely proud of and excited about, not to whine about!!!!! It is an amazing achievement. Well in this example, I think if you just told people this or this was all that happened you are being too stringent and picky about what he says and does. People don't phrase things the way we want all the time. Maybe you should check that you are not being too judgmental on him or people in general. I do think that you are picking up on a series of things about him and probably just saying this current small example to back up the general vibe you are getting from him. The real point is why are you bothering? You already don't have respect for him because of his negativity. If you are analyzing his every statement and find fault this little of the way in with him, imagine how it will be if you continue dating him. It's not fair to either one of you and I'm wondering why you would do it to yourself. The part that really worries me in your statement above is what I bolded. What????!!! How can he be boyfriend material? We've just been discussing what a detriment you believe (I happen to agree although it doesn't matter because I'm not one dating him) his negativity is. Sounds like it affects everyday life and you don't admire it at all--it's even hard enough to tolerate that you are picking apart the statement in this example. Point is most things he is doing niggle at you. How is that fun? Or potential for a relationship? Negativity is a major character personality and pervasive trait. You can't be considering signing up for a life involving him and plan to nudge or nag him into not speaking or thinking the way he does. I took it to mean from what you've been saying so far that it is a turnoff to you. I say this on the site all the time: you can't want a boyfriend so much that you ignore things or jump further along than you are (what a person's potential is). So on paper he is impressive to other people. He may even treat you well in terms of dates and contact. But in getting to know his personality, his outlook on life, his thinking, you are really not impressed! Why torture either one of you because you are trying to fool yourself OR want a bf so much that you are willing move forward with someone you don't respect?
BluEyeL Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I don't know, i was married to a pessimistic person like that and over 20 years it really becomes draining. I started to treat him with contempt and roll my eyes in the end. So I'd get to know him better and not draw conclusions just yet, but it is indeed something I personally wouldn't like. After my divorce I really looked for someone who is not whining all that much and it makes a lot of difference. 2
autumnnight Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Have you ever dated somebody who seems to have a pessimistic personality? A glass half empty type person? The person I am talking to has a very good job, good prospects and has achieved a lot in life. But he seems to have a rather pessimistic outlook and focuses on the (in my view minor) inconveniences. For example he has talked quite a bit about how debilitating his commute to work is. (I think the commute is about one hour each way on a packed train). And also about how much admin he has to do at his job. And also about how he doesn't really like the city he lives in right now (and has lived in for 10 years+). I am a very optimistic person and when we get together he becomes a lot more positive seemingly in response to my positibity. But I wouldn't want to have to spend my life constantly propping somebody up. Are some people just naturally pretty negative? Have you dated somebody like this? How did that work out for you? I didn't just date one....I married one. And while right now it is neat that you can boost him, it won't stay that way. At some point your booster will just give out under the weight of his constant doom, and then YOUR glass will be...all empty. 1
autumnnight Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 You can definitely change a person, absolutely! Maybe, but I wouldn't have much respect for a man who expected ME to change him. I have to say this implication that those of us who can find things to be grateful and positive about even in tough circumstances are naive and annoying to be....rather negative There is a difference between sharing pain and struggle (The doctor found a lump and I'm concerned; we just had a bunch of administrative turnover at work and I am hoping my job is secure; I really have a hard time with family reunions because my Uncle Joe always comes, and he used to beat me)...and just choosing to expect the worst and focus on the worst. My ex had a work challenge that he obsessed about,and it was a year-to-year issue . It got worked out fairly easily, and THEN he started worrying over how they were going to work it out NEXT year. We'd get ahead (which almost never happened), and he'd begin worrying over the imaginary noise in the car engine or what if the water heater goes. I had the flu? He had a rare infection and virus no one else had ever seen. And I was his designated mood manager. He'd "announce" what was wrong or how he felt, and my job was to know exactly how to fix it. Granted, I enabled the dynamic in my desperate attempts to have 48 pleasant hours in a row..... Yeah, a realist is fine, but I won't ever date Eeyore again.
Recommended Posts