Negativity.

[Nemetona]

Have you ever dated somebody who seems to have a pessimistic personality? A glass half empty type person?

 

The person I am talking to has a very good job, good prospects and has achieved a lot in life. But he seems to have a rather pessimistic outlook and focuses on the (in my view minor) inconveniences. For example he has talked quite a bit about how debilitating his commute to work is. (I think the commute is about one hour each way on a packed train). And also about how much admin he has to do at his job. And also about how he doesn't really like the city he lives in right now (and has lived in for 10 years+). I am a very optimistic person and when we get together he becomes a lot more positive seemingly in response to my positibity.

 

But I wouldn't want to have to spend my life constantly propping somebody up.

 

Are some people just naturally pretty negative? Have you dated somebody like this? How did that work out for you?

[menyou]

Have you ever dated somebody who seems to have a pessimistic personality? A glass half empty type person?

 

The person I am talking to has a very good job, good prospects and has achieved a lot in life. But he seems to have a rather pessimistic outlook and focuses on the (in my view minor) inconveniences. For example he has talked quite a bit about how debilitating his commute to work is. (I think the commute is about one hour each way on a packed train). And also about how much admin he has to do at his job. And also about how he doesn't really like the city he lives in right now (and has lived in for 10 years+). I am a very optimistic person and when we get together he becomes a lot more positive seemingly in response to my positibity.

 

But I wouldn't want to have to spend my life constantly propping somebody up.

 

Are some people just naturally pretty negative? Have you dated somebody like this? How did that work out for you?

 

It didn't...

[Versacehottie]

I haven't but I wouldn't. Run. Unless you want to sign up for a lifetime of someone airing their complaints to you and then at some point you will become the "problem" to them.

[Siquijor]

He's probably in a rut. If he's achieved a lot in his life he can't be that negative. Perhaps you could have a chat and push him in the right direction if you like him enough.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I have not only dated men like this but was married to one for nearly 20 years! I've also had friends who were very much like this as well.

 

It's EXHAUSTING being around anyone who only sees things in black and white and always half empty. The truth is that it doesn't work out or at least not without MASSIVE sacrifices on your part. Unfortunately when you stay too long in these kinds of pessimistic relationships it's only a matter of time before they affect you, before the negativity becomes toxic and taints everything in your life.

 

I've always been a very optimistic person even whenever my life feels like it's falling apart around me. I work very hard to look for the blessings in everything and be grateful for the things that are going well in my life. It isn't always easy and there are times I need to bellyache but I absolutely refuse to wallow too long in those moments!

 

The interesting thing about people who are always so pessimistic is that they rarely (if ever) take any responsibility for why things might be the way they are. They spend so much time and energy blaming and pointing fingers instead looking at themselves and/or doing something about whatever is causing them so much discomfort. Personally, I think that says a lot about one's overall character. Who wants to be with someone who forever plays the victim card?

 

No thank you!

[Nemetona]

I have not only dated men like this but was married to one for nearly 20 years! I've also had friends who were very much like this as well.

 

It's EXHAUSTING being around anyone who only sees things in black and white and always half empty. The truth is that it doesn't work out or at least not without MASSIVE sacrifices on your part. Unfortunately when you stay too long in these kinds of pessimistic relationships it's only a matter of time before they affect you, before the negativity becomes toxic and taints everything in your life.

 

I've always been a very optimistic person even whenever my life feels like it's falling apart around me. I work very hard to look for the blessings in everything and be grateful for the things that are going well in my life. It isn't always easy and there are times I need to bellyache but I absolutely refuse to wallow too long in those moments!

 

The interesting thing about people who are always so pessimistic is that they rarely (if ever) take any responsibility for why things might be the way they are. They spend so much time and energy blaming and pointing fingers instead looking at themselves and/or doing something about whatever is causing them so much discomfort. Personally, I think that says a lot about one's overall character. Who wants to be with someone who forever plays the victim card?

 

No thank you!

 

Is this the reason you and your ex husband broke up?

[Maggie4]

The way you determine whether someone is optimistic or pessimistic, is by their actions, not their words.

 

There are optimists who whine all the time. But they still send in that resume for the good jobs, they want this and that, and they do well. Meanwhile, they're so annoying, always telling you all the things not perfect in their lives. They want attention.

 

The pessimists just don't do much. Some don't even bother to complain. What's the point of complaining, it's no use anyway...

[guest569]

I actually like people who show their feeling rather than be overly optimistic all the time. I dont like negativity, but what's wrong with complaining about tiny things like the commute or weather etc.

[Nemetona]

This guy is very active, always getting involved in new exciting sounding projects and making plans and so on. His words are often pessimistic but his actions not so much.

[Redhead14]

Have you ever dated somebody who seems to have a pessimistic personality? A glass half empty type person?

 

The person I am talking to has a very good job, good prospects and has achieved a lot in life. But he seems to have a rather pessimistic outlook and focuses on the (in my view minor) inconveniences. For example he has talked quite a bit about how debilitating his commute to work is. (I think the commute is about one hour each way on a packed train). And also about how much admin he has to do at his job. And also about how he doesn't really like the city he lives in right now (and has lived in for 10 years+). I am a very optimistic person and when we get together he becomes a lot more positive seemingly in response to my positibity.

 

But I wouldn't want to have to spend my life constantly propping somebody up.

 

Are some people just naturally pretty negative? Have you dated somebody like this? How did that work out for you?

 

These comments aren't about having a pessimistic outlook on life. They are just "bitches" about things that a lot of people don't really like. A long commute sucks, he doesn't like to do a lot of admin and he's doesn't like where he lives. He can fix those things, perhaps. Everyone has "bitches".

 

If all he does is talk about those things, yeah, it's pretty boring and rough to deal with.

 

But, if his overall views on life are positive and he has a bright future, great. You never complain about anything?

 

If he complains about little things too much for you, you simply say, "I understand how those things can be annoying/whatever, but let's talk about other things, like . . . " If you steer the conversation away when it starts and you've done this a number of times, he's not going to change that. If you steer it away and he starts getting the "message", great.

[Versacehottie]

I'm not sure how success and pessimism or negativity are getting wrapped up in each other this thread. There are plenty of negative and pessimistic people who are successful and I would still advise not signing up for that. The people around them are miserable. Success in career also does not equate to success in relationships with others. Some of the most successful people are so unhappy with their lives. They can still do all the right things and go through the motions--even in their relationships but it is a living hell. Life is too short.

 

I love to observe people and have been in my life in some amazing places and experiences, always still people watching because it's fun to me. You'd be shocked at the negative people ruining a beautiful gorgeous vacation with an adoring partner right by their side and all sorts of comfort and they are bitching/complaining about something trivial and insignificant, non-stop. It's a sickness really. It's not like you can create a barrier to where their negativity doesn't affect you, bleed into your life or at some point is directed at you. The point is that they don't know how to be grateful and can only filter the world through the ungrateful, life is unfair filter. They are never satisfied. It is exhausting.

[regine_phalange]

I've dated people who claimed to be positive but in reality they didn't realise they were negative and people who knew they were negative. You are negative when you complain and whine during good times. You are more attracted to bad things than good things, even if you claim to not like the bad things. Negativity is to be really defensive, negativity is to withhold and to fear. Negativity is to be an eternal victim of circumstances and people. Negativity is always expecting the worst. It doesn't work for me. I've worked hard on my negative thinking myself, I've been really negative in the past, and I don't want to go back to that through a partner. It's total misery.

[carhill]

The person I am talking to has a very good job, good prospects and has achieved a lot in life

Evidently he's shared these positives and as in many aspects of life there is balance, here in the form of sharing some of the sacrifices made to achieve success.

 

Have I dated people like this? Sure! Women call this sharing their feelings and nearly all I dated and the one I married did so. My exW complained incessantly about her commute and without voicing her feelings we wouldn't have addressed that issue as a team and moved her business closer. I came to understand the dynamic as balance of positive and negative feelings, rather than only focusing on the negative ones as dominant. We choose how we perceive life and how we perceive our partners view on life. Marital 101 taught an important lesson, that being to simply listen without assigning perceptions to what was heard or immediately formulating solutions. Sometimes listening is the solution.

 

However, if your minds can't meet on this issue then now is a good time to move on.

[NGC1300]

Negativity is to be an eternal victim of circumstances and people.

 

Every person who has ever lived is a victim of circumstance.

[Nemetona]

Fantastic posts Versacehottie and regine_phalange

[thecrucible]

I agree that negativity is a very unattractive trait. But at the same time, if you are feeling sad about something, you should feel able to express that emotion to some extent without having to put up a front. I guess this is where self-control comes in - knowing who to share negative emotions with and finding outlets to deal with your emotions rather than always going to your partner. This is something I've learnt over the years. I think sharing with your partner is important but I try and self-soothe first so I don't overwhelm anyone else. By the same token, I also think people should be prepared to accept that their partners will not be 100% positive all the time.

[Nemetona]

Here are a couple of examples:

 

He has had a book published and is working on a new one. I asked him about his first book and how long it took him to write it. Here's his response:

 

"Oh it's a painful story. I sort of wrote it twice, because after the first draft I abandoned it and when I came back to it it was outdated and my thinking and the field had evolved.

 

"I would like to have more of a writing routine. It's a bit difficult with school run and often commuting to work, but I guess the major obstacle is. And I am dyslexic, which you might have noticed from my writing. So my drafts are always full of typos."

 

We've had other conversations about his book previously and he has never said even one positive thing about it. He has only talked of disappointment with the writing process, with his publishers, with the book itself.

[Nemetona]

Another example. A while ago (before we met) he visited one of my favourite countries. It is in Africa. I was excited to compare notes and asked him what he thought of the food, the people etc. He did not have one positive thing to report. He had not tried the local food. He talked only of how poor the people were, how he had witnessed men beating their wives in public, how the children were being brutally beaten by the teachers. It is actually a beautiful country -- although it does have its problems. It's known for its delicious food, its friendly people etc. But he did not make even one positive comment about the place, just seemed to focus on every negative detail imaginable.

[Versacehottie]

Here are a couple of examples:

 

He has had a book published and is working on a new one. I asked him about his first book and how long it took him to write it. Here's his response:

 

"Oh it's a painful story. I sort of wrote it twice, because after the first draft I abandoned it and when I came back to it it was outdated and my thinking and the field had evolved.

 

"I would like to have more of a writing routine. It's a bit difficult with school run and often commuting to work, but I guess the major obstacle is. And I am dyslexic, which you might have noticed from my writing. So my drafts are always full of typos."

 

We've had other conversations about his book previously and he has never said even one positive thing about it. He has only talked of disappointment with the writing process, with his publishers, with the book itself.

 

These examples aren't the worst but I think you are not putting his word-for-word here and it was probably more the negative vibe. If you could write it down word for word--you're not negative so it's hard to recall it in the way it was. He sounds neurotic which is a version of negativity IMO. In your example of his trip to Africa, yep that's what I mean, classic negativity. Do you really want to sign up for that? Serious buzzkill. Especially at the beginning, you know it's only gonna get worse once he feels more comfortable. He should be putting his best foot forward with how he views life and what he has to offer. If this is how he does it, remember it will likely go downhill once he feels ok to let it all out.

 

I know people are saying on this thread that some "negatively" is in order. Of course! Life has ups and downs. Bad stuff happens. It's important in some aspects to be a realist. And you want a bf who will "let you in" to his real self and his emotions. That said, I "think" you were asking about a person's general and fixed character and how he approaches the world. Whether he lets it defeat him and/or can never see the beauty or fun in it. Impressive how he has written a book with another on the way. A lot of people would jump at that chance. Same with Africa-what an amazing trip! Even if some things had been uncomfortable 3rd world-ish, those opportunities expand one's mind--something I would think would be of supreme importance to a person who's identity and career is wrapped up in IDEAS and STORIES. But he didn't see it like that, did he? Hmmmmmm.

 

The only thing I will say to his favor (since I'm not that impressed with his personality) is that it seems to be more of a guy thing to be caustic and sarcastic. To them there is a humor to it and it's an observation of the world and it comes off as negative and there are some elements of that in it of course. I don't think these types are as aware as they should be about coming off badly to others. Because they don't think it's bad. In which case you just might not be suited to each other, if it bothers you.

[Nemetona]

These examples aren't the worst but I think you are not putting his word-for-word here and it was probably more the negative vibe. If you could write it down word for word--you're not negative so it's hard to recall it in the way it was. He sounds neurotic which is a version of negativity IMO. In your example of his trip to Africa, yep that's what I mean, classic negativity. Do you really want to sign up for that? Serious buzzkill. Especially at the beginning, you know it's only gonna get worse once he feels more comfortable. He should be putting his best foot forward with how he views life and what he has to offer. If this is how he does it, remember it will likely go downhill once he feels ok to let it all out.

 

I know people are saying on this thread that some "negatively" is in order. Of course! Life has ups and downs. Bad stuff happens. It's important in some aspects to be a realist. And you want a bf who will "let you in" to his real self and his emotions. That said, I "think" you were asking about a person's general and fixed character and how he approaches the world. Whether he lets it defeat him and/or can never see the beauty or fun in it. Impressive how he has written a book with another on the way. A lot of people would jump at that chance. Same with Africa-what an amazing trip! Even if some things had been uncomfortable 3rd world-ish, those opportunities expand one's mind--something I would think would be of supreme importance to a person who's identity and career is wrapped up in IDEAS and STORIES. But he didn't see it like that, did he? Hmmmmmm.

 

The only thing I will say to his favor (since I'm not that impressed with his personality) is that it seems to be more of a guy thing to be caustic and sarcastic. To them there is a humor to it and it's an observation of the world and it comes off as negative and there are some elements of that in it of course. I don't think these types are as aware as they should be about coming off badly to others. Because they don't think it's bad. In which case you just might not be suited to each other, if it bothers you.

 

You are right. It is worrying that he is being this negative so early on as well. Even the exchange about his book that I posted here feels very negative to me. Like you said, having a book published is a major accomplishment. It seems odd that he could not find even one positive thing to say about the experience of writing a book and having it published.

 

The irony is that I've had an incredibly hard life full of severe abuse in my earlier years. He doesn't know about any of this of course. But after having a really horrible start in life I am very appreciative of everything I have now and I don't feel the need to endlessly complain about small stuff, like having to commute on packed trains etc.

[Versacehottie]

You are right. It is worrying that he is being this negative so early on as well. Even the exchange about his book that I posted here feels very negative to me. Like you said, having a book published is a major accomplishment. It seems odd that he could not find even one positive thing to say about the experience of writing a book and having it published.

 

The irony is that I've had an incredibly hard life full of severe abuse in my earlier years. He doesn't know about any of this of course. But after having a really horrible start in life I am very appreciative of everything I have now and I don't feel the need to endlessly complain about small stuff, like having to commute on packed trains etc.

 

Yeah well I wouldn't like the book thing because he sounds ungrateful and not positive or enthusiastic about his prospects/career. He could just be scared, insecure about his career or trying to downplay it. But he sounds like a typical neurotic writer, as lots of them are introverted and stuck in there own thoughts. That said, I just met a writer guy (friend discussion only--even though I think he had a crush on me) the other night. He even writes satire!! Jesus, if ever there was a recipe for negativity!!!! And he wasn't at all. He was hopeful and passionate about what he does and I don't think he's as successful as your guy. I talked to him for about an hour and I have a good perception on people I like to think. My new friend was, I would say, kinf of introverted and had a wealth of his own thoughts. The only story he told me with any sort of negativity was the details of the story to be funny and self-deprecating. There was an obvious difference between any "negativity" in that story and an outlook on life that was negative.

 

I totally agree with you about the book publishing conversation. It would be a no-go for me. Subtle details that are essentially red flags. But you seem to be wanting to figure it out so I didn't want to outright just say no dump him---but if I were in your shoes, I would not want to continue. It's just not attractive. And the future is worse (haven't dated negative guys but know negative people). You deserve better. Sounds like it's just not sitting well with you. Sure people come from different places (ie you had a horrible start in life but rose above it) and it's good to having varying perspectives in life. But you guys may be far apart on a really huge and important life value. I would hold out for someone who has a life view closer to your own. It sounds like it would be much happier and productive. Good luck

 

*I would add that you have a good survivor attitude and he is sidelined by all his fears and little annoyances. How depressing.

Edited September 27, 2015 by Versacehottie

[Nemetona]

Another thing I noticed a couple of days ago was that he was talking about how unfair the high school system is and how they focus too much on passing tests and exams constantly. Then he said, "oh but you probably had an easier experience going to school in the countryside where they were more relaxed about everything."

 

Actually my high school years and childhood were full of severe abuse. It really pissed me off the way he dismissed me with "you probably had an easier experience."

 

Because I'm pretty excited about life it seems he's assumed my life has always been just golden and that his issues with commuting on a packed train are hardships I could never even imagine. He also speaks of the commute as if I myself have never had to commute on a packed train. I mean, we both live in the same city and use the same transport system!

 

I guess when somebody's really negative they are so caught up in their own perceived hardships that they can't see any bigger picture?

[Versacehottie]

Yes this is the problem. They are actually very self-involved people. Who can only see the world as unfair. Or try to bond through complaining. The funniest thing ever if you really think about it. Especially if it happens over and over. To me, you have enough cons about him to move on without looking back.

[Nemetona]

Yes this is the problem. They are actually very self-involved people. Who can only see the world as unfair. Or try to bond through complaining. The funniest thing ever if you really think about it. Especially if it happens over and over. To me, you have enough cons about him to move on without looking back.

 

Yeah. Kinda sad. But necessary, I think.

[Nemetona]

I was also slightly surprised or confused about him telling me that he had dyslexia (in that message exchange I posted above). This came after just one date. At the time I thought it meant he trusted me a lot and that's why he'd decided to share. But now I wonder if it was just something more he wanted to offload and be negative about?