I'm Scared That I'm Going To Screw This Up

[Lovelorn00]

I texted him to see how his day was going. During our convo, he mentioned how excited he was for the weekend. He also mentioned his excitement about a recurring event that is happening next month, to which he invited me to weeks ago. Sooo…. I caved.

 

Me: Um. Am I invited to that still? Because it sounds awesome!

Me: Also, I kinda want to see you this weekend.

Him: Of course you’re invited! I want to see you, too! Wanna meet up after my thing on Saturday?

 

Am I surprised? No. I figured he’d accept, because it’d be kind of awkward for him not to at this point. It’s gotta be tough to tell someone that you’re no longer interested in seeing them. But now, I’ve put myself in a weird situation of not knowing if he ACTUALLY wants to see me this weekend or if I kinda pushed him into it. I’ve had this happen before, and I believe losangelena mentioned this earlier. Where the guy just agrees, because maybe he feels bad or feels obligated or something.

 

He went on to mention that Saturday would be kinda tricky, but that he’d make it work. I don’t know. I feel like I shouldn’t have said anything at all.

[katiegrl]

I texted him to see how his day was going. During our convo, he mentioned how excited he was for the weekend. He also mentioned his excitement about a recurring event that is happening next month, to which he invited me to weeks ago. Sooo…. I caved.

 

Me: Um. Am I invited to that still? Because it sounds awesome!

Me: Also, I kinda want to see you this weekend.

Him: Of course you’re invited! I want to see you, too! Wanna meet up after my thing on Saturday?

 

Am I surprised? No. I figured he’d accept, because it’d be kind of awkward for him not to at this point. It’s gotta be tough to tell someone that you’re no longer interested in seeing them. But now, I’ve put myself in a weird situation of not knowing if he ACTUALLY wants to see me this weekend or if I kinda pushed him into it. I’ve had this happen before, and I believe losangelena mentioned this earlier. Where the guy just agrees, because maybe he feels bad or feels obligated or something.

 

He went on to mention that Saturday would be kinda tricky, but that he’d make it work. I don’t know. I feel like I shouldn’t have said anything at all.

 

 

I dunno perhaps losangelina was right after all (good call la)....and maybe HE needed a little reassurance that YOU are still interested.

 

 

His exclamation points indicate he is probably sincere... if he were just meh, the whole vibe of his response would be different.

 

 

And if he weren't interested, I don't think he would have mentioned getting together after the event on Saturday either.

 

 

I think you guys need to TALK!!! He is probably just as confused as you are about this whole thing!

 

 

So when you see him on Saturday (after the event) --- PLEASE COMMUNICATE WITH HIM!! It sounds like YOU are waiting for HIM to bring it up, and HE is waiting for YOU to bring it up. That is what I am getting after this recent turn of events.

 

 

You guys need a good heart-to-heart or this budding RL is gonna drift off to never-never land...

Edited September 30, 2015 by katiegrl

[kpl]

I texted him to see how his day was going. During our convo, he mentioned how excited he was for the weekend. He also mentioned his excitement about a recurring event that is happening next month, to which he invited me to weeks ago. Sooo…. I caved.

 

Me: Um. Am I invited to that still? Because it sounds awesome!

Me: Also, I kinda want to see you this weekend.

Him: Of course you’re invited! I want to see you, too! Wanna meet up after my thing on Saturday?

 

Am I surprised? No. I figured he’d accept, because it’d be kind of awkward for him not to at this point. It’s gotta be tough to tell someone that you’re no longer interested in seeing them. But now, I’ve put myself in a weird situation of not knowing if he ACTUALLY wants to see me this weekend or if I kinda pushed him into it. I’ve had this happen before, and I believe losangelena mentioned this earlier. Where the guy just agrees, because maybe he feels bad or feels obligated or something.

 

He went on to mention that Saturday would be kinda tricky, but that he’d make it work. I don’t know. I feel like I shouldn’t have said anything at all.

 

what??? I think you should just play this out and I agree talk to him later about it. I don't think you put him in a weird place at all.

[katiegrl]

I feel like I shouldn’t have said anything at all.

 

LL, would you PLEASE stop that already? Sheesh!

 

 

How do you ever intend on getting anywhere with a man, in life, in anything, if you regret speaking up!!

 

 

With that attitude, I can almost guarantee you.... you WILL blow this thing right out of the water.

 

 

So please stop. You did GOOD!! And look what happened? He responded very excitedly .... and wants to see you Saturday!!

 

 

For once I have to admit -- I am glad you DID NOT follow my advice!!

[losangelena]

what??? I think you should just play this out and I agree talk to him later about it. I don't think you put him in a weird place at all.

 

I agree. If he really didn't want to see you again, he wouldn't have.

 

See him Saturday. And yeah, bring it up. Don't do what I did and just sit there in your discomfort. This is the perfect opportunity to be a little more assertive and see how it goes. Assuming the worst—it's over!—every time things don't go the way you want them to is not helping your mental state.

 

At a certain point in a relationship, we all have to stick our necks out risk making fools of ourselves; risk revealing feelings that maybe the other person doesn't exactly share, but that is simply par for the course.

 

All that being said, if you feel like you need to be with a guy who will reassure you to a greater extent, then this man may not be the one for you. I guarantee he is probably happy as a clam and has no idea the anxiety you're feeling. Part of the early stage is figuring out if you can hang with the other person's methods, or whether or not you're just incompatible in that area. If you find yourself twisting in knots more often than not, then you need to keep that in mind.

[losangelena]

I texted him to see how his day was going. During our convo, he mentioned how excited he was for the weekend. He also mentioned his excitement about a recurring event that is happening next month, to which he invited me to weeks ago. Sooo…. I caved.

 

Me: Um. Am I invited to that still? Because it sounds awesome!

Me: Also, I kinda want to see you this weekend.

Him: Of course you’re invited! I want to see you, too! Wanna meet up after my thing on Saturday?

 

Am I surprised? No. I figured he’d accept, because it’d be kind of awkward for him not to at this point. It’s gotta be tough to tell someone that you’re no longer interested in seeing them. But now, I’ve put myself in a weird situation of not knowing if he ACTUALLY wants to see me this weekend or if I kinda pushed him into it. I’ve had this happen before, and I believe losangelena mentioned this earlier. Where the guy just agrees, because maybe he feels bad or feels obligated or something.

 

He went on to mention that Saturday would be kinda tricky, but that he’d make it work. I don’t know. I feel like I shouldn’t have said anything at all.

 

Do you feel this way because it's just going to prolong your anxiety?

[Lovelorn00]

I dunno perhaps losangelina was right after all (good call la)....and maybe HE needed a little reassurance that YOU are still interested.

 

 

His exclamation points indicate he is probably sincere... if he were just meh, the whole vibe of his response would be different.

 

 

And if he weren't interested, I don't think he would have mentioned getting together after the event on Saturday either.

 

 

I think you guys need to TALK!!! He is probably just as confused as you are about this whole thing!

 

 

So when you see him on Saturday (after the event) --- PLEASE COMMUNICATE WITH HIM!! It sounds like YOU are waiting for HIM to bring it up, and HE is waiting for YOU to bring it up. That is what I am getting after this recent turn of events.

 

 

You guys need a good heart-to-heart or this budding RL is gonna drift off to never-never land...

 

Yeah, I think you both have something there. This is the first "date" I've initiated. He initiates all of our daily communication, phone calls, texts, and dates. Like, literally all of it. Every day. I've been "playing it cool" and "playing it by the rules" so that I don't seem too eager. I haven't given much thought to the idea that he might be perceiving that as lack of interest on my part. Though, I'd find that pretty hard to believe. On our last date, I cooked a special dinner for him, and I've been pretty vocal about how attractive I think he is. So, I'm really not sure.

[Lovelorn00]

what??? I think you should just play this out and I agree talk to him later about it. I don't think you put him in a weird place at all.

 

I think I'm going to take the next couple of days to work up the nerve to tell him what's up. Like, the honest truth about how anxious and nervous I get around him. That's the "real" me. I'll have to be prepared for him to walk, but if he stays, I'll know I have a keeper.

[Lovelorn00]

I agree. If he really didn't want to see you again, he wouldn't have.

 

See him Saturday. And yeah, bring it up. Don't do what I did and just sit there in your discomfort. This is the perfect opportunity to be a little more assertive and see how it goes. Assuming the worst—it's over!—every time things don't go the way you want them to is not helping your mental state.

 

At a certain point in a relationship, we all have to stick our necks out risk making fools of ourselves; risk revealing feelings that maybe the other person doesn't exactly share, but that is simply par for the course.

 

All that being said, if you feel like you need to be with a guy who will reassure you to a greater extent, then this man may not be the one for you. I guarantee he is probably happy as a clam and has no idea the anxiety you're feeling. Part of the early stage is figuring out if you can hang with the other person's methods, or whether or not you're just incompatible in that area. If you find yourself twisting in knots more often than not, then you need to keep that in mind.

 

Yes, you're right. I feel like we're both still in that weird stage where we're both kinda feeling around in the dark, trying to get a read on who the other person really is. My negative thinking causes me to jump to conclusions that may or may not be right. He's opened up to me about some of his issues before. I need to do the same and feel okay doing it. And yeah, I'll probably need a little drink or two to do it haha. But if he still accepts me, anxiety and all, then that will be my sign and reassurance that he's a good guy.

[Lovelorn00]

Do you feel this way because it's just going to prolong your anxiety?

 

Yes, this is possible.

[kpl]

I think I'm going to take the next couple of days to work up the nerve to tell him what's up. Like, the honest truth about how anxious and nervous I get around him. That's the "real" me. I'll have to be prepared for him to walk, but if he stays, I'll know I have a keeper.

 

I think it might be better to tell him what YOU are looking for and see how he feels about it. Bringing up your issues isn't necessary. You are responsible for taking care of yourself. He can be supportive and kind but that isn't what the conversation is about right? You want to know if you are on the same page.

 

I think there is something to be said about being yourself around someone but you guys are still figuring out what you are to each other.

[Redhead14]

Yeah, I think you both have something there. This is the first "date" I've initiated. He initiates all of our daily communication, phone calls, texts, and dates. Like, literally all of it. Every day. I've been "playing it cool" and "playing it by the rules" so that I don't seem too eager. I haven't given much thought to the idea that he might be perceiving that as lack of interest on my part. Though, I'd find that pretty hard to believe. On our last date, I cooked a special dinner for him, and I've been pretty vocal about how attractive I think he is. So, I'm really not sure.

 

Yes, in the beginning, it's best to let them lead, but you do need to balance out and reciprocate so that he doesn't feel like he's doing all the work. I'd initiate something and initiate some communication as well. Not too much.

[katiegrl]

Yes, in the beginning, it's best to let them lead, but you do need to balance out and reciprocate so that he doesn't feel like he's doing all the work. I'd initiate something and initiate some communication as well. Not too much.

 

Just curious Red, how long is the "beginning" in your opinion?

 

 

They've been dating two months....

[losangelena]

I personally think two months is more than sufficient. I asked my ex out the first time on date five!

 

I think part of the problem with never initiating—dates, contact—is that it really doesn't give the other person a chance to feel wanted. "Play it cool" is fine and all, but just like refusing to speak up for yourself, it give the other person a muted sense of you, not the full picture. OP is sitting around wondering if/when her relationship is going to advance, but maybe she hasn't shown this guy enough of her own interest. Sitting back and being receptive is fine, but it usually doesn't get you anywhere/anything.

 

I had an interview once for a job that I really wanted. I didn't want to mess up or come off strange, so I played it cool and just kind of agreed with everything they said, I was so agreeable! I didn't get the job ultimately, and I found out just a couple of months ago from an acquaintance who was part of the hiring process, that the reason they didn't hire me was because I didn't present myself in a confident enough manner. She said my work samples were the strongest of any candidate, but the fact that I was so passive was a real turn off for them.

 

It's the exact same thing here. OP is so concerned about coming off well, and so afraid of "messing up" that she's squelching her personality and desires. If she truly WANTS to be with this man, rather than just wanting to be wanted, she's gotta put up some effort in initiating.

[StocksnBlondes]

I think it might be better to tell him what YOU are looking for and see how he feels about it. Bringing up your issues isn't necessary. You are responsible for taking care of yourself. He can be supportive and kind but that isn't what the conversation is about right? You want to know if you are on the same page.

 

I think there is something to be said about being yourself around someone but you guys are still figuring out what you are to each other.

 

LL ...please take this advice. It's just too much information for a new relationship to go into all your anxiety ... It's good that your processing your feelings here so you can go through the motions of talking with your guy about your desire to figure out if you both are on the same page and want to take the relationship to the next level. Even if he says he's not quite ready but still likes you a lot and needs a little time ...at least you know where he stands. If you reveal all your anxiety I think that's like dumping all your emotional instability on him. Be confident in what you have to offer and if it's a good fit for both he'll be on board.

 

If all goes well and things don't progress to what you want in a few months then I'd let him know you are looking for more ...if he's not there then let him go ...you can't go through life with such anxiety about someone's wishy washy cavalier emotions. I did that in my 20s with one guy ...hung on for years and finally gave up. So glad I did as I met a few other people ...one whom I eventually married ...but all of them were so much more into having a committed relationship from the beginning ...these weren't desperate guys either ...all very good looking and successful. Funny thing is that guy still calls me ...90%if the time I just ignore him. It's been 20 years and he's unhappily married. C'est la vie he made his choice.

[Lovelorn00]

I think it might be better to tell him what YOU are looking for and see how he feels about it. Bringing up your issues isn't necessary. You are responsible for taking care of yourself. He can be supportive and kind but that isn't what the conversation is about right? You want to know if you are on the same page.

 

I think there is something to be said about being yourself around someone but you guys are still figuring out what you are to each other.

 

I think he already knows that I'm looking for a LTR. I told him when he jokingly asked me where I saw myself in 5 years. He told me he wanted the same thing, though I'm not sure how serious he was, since the whole conversation was kind of within the context of a joke anyway.

 

If he is indeed looking for the same thing, now we have to figure out if we can be each other's LTR. I feel like he should at least know about my nervousness around him. I've been very careful to not let my anxiety come out in my behavior towards him, but just in case it has, explaining this might help to give him a better perspective. Maybe I am giving off an “I’m not interested” vibe. Maybe he’s picking up on something else that might be a little odd. I think if I can just say in a casual, no-big-deal way that I really like him and it’s making me kinda nervous, that might help him a little. Might help both of us a little.

[katiegrl]

I think he already knows that I'm looking for a LTR. I told him when he jokingly asked me where I saw myself in 5 years. He told me he wanted the same thing, though I'm not sure how serious he was, since the whole conversation was kind of within the context of a joke anyway.

 

If he is indeed looking for the same thing, now we have to figure out if we can be each other's LTR. I feel like he should at least know about my nervousness around him. I've been very careful to not let my anxiety come out in my behavior towards him, but just in case it has, explaining this might help to give him a better perspective. Maybe I am giving off an “I’m not interested” vibe. Maybe he’s picking up on something else that might be a little odd. I think if I can just say in a casual, no-big-deal way that I really like him and it’s making me kinda nervous, that might help him a little. Might help both of us a little.

 

 

Sweetie..... if it were me, I would not bring up anything long term or figuring out if you are each other's LTR.

 

 

One step at a time.

 

 

The next step is exclusivity. See if he is on the same page with you re THAT first....and take it from there.

 

 

If so, then the LTR will naturally follow.

 

 

jmo.

[Lovelorn00]

I personally think two months is more than sufficient. I asked my ex out the first time on date five!

 

I think part of the problem with never initiating—dates, contact—is that it really doesn't give the other person a chance to feel wanted. "Play it cool" is fine and all, but just like refusing to speak up for yourself, it give the other person a muted sense of you, not the full picture. OP is sitting around wondering if/when her relationship is going to advance, but maybe she hasn't shown this guy enough of her own interest. Sitting back and being receptive is fine, but it usually doesn't get you anywhere/anything.

 

I had an interview once for a job that I really wanted. I didn't want to mess up or come off strange, so I played it cool and just kind of agreed with everything they said, I was so agreeable! I didn't get the job ultimately, and I found out just a couple of months ago from an acquaintance who was part of the hiring process, that the reason they didn't hire me was because I didn't present myself in a confident enough manner. She said my work samples were the strongest of any candidate, but the fact that I was so passive was a real turn off for them.

 

It's the exact same thing here. OP is so concerned about coming off well, and so afraid of "messing up" that she's squelching her personality and desires. If she truly WANTS to be with this man, rather than just wanting to be wanted, she's gotta put up some effort in initiating.

 

Great example, losangelena! And I agree, which is kind of why I just went ahead and asked him out. Also, thinking back to two months ago, when we first started seeing each other, I was actually casually seeing someone else. I didn't care much about this guy, and my personality was very different. I came across as confident, strong, and didn't really care what he thought of me. I've got to find a way to regain that. Perhaps this is where I've been messing up every time. Fear and anxiety start to change my normal personality to the point where I'm not the same person the guy fell for in the first place. Ugh. I've got to get ME back.

[Lovelorn00]

Sweetie..... if it were me, I would not bring up anything long term or figuring out if you are each other's LTR.

 

 

One step at a time.

 

 

The next step is exclusivity. See if he is on the same page with you re THAT first....and take it from there.

 

 

If so, then the LTR will naturally follow.

 

 

jmo.

 

But why should I waste my time on someone who doesn't eventually want to settle down and have a family? I'm not saying that this guy is like that, but isn't that something we should know up front? That's kind of why it's listed in the "details" section of everyone OKC profile. It's an important thing to know at the beginning, imo.

[Redhead14]

Just curious Red, how long is the "beginning" in your opinion?

 

 

They've been dating two months....

 

Up to the beginning of the second month if he's been consistent. She's a little overdue, but if he's kept up as usual, probably no harm done.

[Redhead14]

But why should I waste my time on someone who doesn't eventually want to settle down and have a family? I'm not saying that this guy is like that, but isn't that something we should know up front? That's kind of why it's listed in the "details" section of everyone OKC profile. It's an important thing to know at the beginning, imo.

 

Fairly early in the scenario you should have a conversation about what you each are looking for in general. Not specifically with each other at that point but at least be on that page.

 

You are a little behind here so it's a little dicey now because he kinda already knows your level of investment in him so he may think you are having "the talk" with him. But, there should be no harm in opening a casual conversation and simply state what you want for yourself in the future and then let him talk. If he asks do you mean with him, just say, well, I do like you a lot but it's a little too soon to say. If you become intimate with him, it would not be unreasonable to ask about exclusivity at least.

[Lovelorn00]

Fairly early in the scenario you should have a conversation about what you each are looking for in general. Not specifically with each other at that point but at least be on that page.

 

You are a little behind here so it's a little dicey now because he kinda already knows your level of investment in him so he may think you are having "the talk" with him. But, there should be no harm in opening a casual conversation and simply state what you want for yourself in the future and then let him talk. If he asks do you mean with him, just say, well, I do like you a lot but it's a little too soon to say. If you become intimate with him, it would not be unreasonable to ask about exclusivity at least.

 

Exactly. Not specifically with each other, but just in general. I think those are important things to know early on. Maybe not the first date, no, but definitely at the point where I'm at with him.

[katiegrl]

But why should I waste my time on someone who doesn't eventually want to settle down and have a family? I'm not saying that this guy is like that, but isn't that something we should know up front? That's kind of why it's listed in the "details" section of everyone OKC profile. It's an important thing to know at the beginning, imo.

 

No, you should definitely NOT waste your time with a man who does not want to eventually settle down and have a family....but you posted that you wanted to figure out if you were "each other's" LTR.

 

 

IMO, it's too soon to know that.

 

 

Sure by all means find out if his goal is marriage and family.... generally speaking.

 

 

It has only been two months. Become exclusive first, and sure discuss how he feels about LTRs, marriage and family (in general).... just not in the specific concerning you and him yet. Again, it's only been two months and you haven't even agreed to exclusivity yet.

 

 

One step at a time.

 

 

Does that make sense?

Edited September 30, 2015 by katiegrl

[Versacehottie]

I think part of the problem with never initiating—dates, contact—is that it really doesn't give the other person a chance to feel wanted. "Play it cool" is fine and all, but just like refusing to speak up for yourself, it give the other person a muted sense of you, not the full picture. OP is sitting around wondering if/when her relationship is going to advance, but maybe she hasn't shown this guy enough of her own interest. Sitting back and being receptive is fine, but it usually doesn't get you anywhere/anything.

 

I had an interview once for a job that I really wanted. I didn't want to mess up or come off strange, so I played it cool and just kind of agreed with everything they said, I was so agreeable! I didn't get the job ultimately, and I found out just a couple of months ago from an acquaintance who was part of the hiring process, that the reason they didn't hire me was because I didn't present myself in a confident enough manner. She said my work samples were the strongest of any candidate, but the fact that I was so passive was a real turn off for them.

 

It's the exact same thing here. OP is so concerned about coming off well, and so afraid of "messing up" that she's squelching her personality and desires. If she truly WANTS to be with this man, rather than just wanting to be wanted, she's gotta put up some effort in initiating.

 

Good points. I would word it much like you have but change the last word: she's gotta put up some effort into EXPRESSING.

 

And that you said the phrase "muted sense of you" perfectly expresses what I was trying to say the other night about this. OP, if you dial yourself down so much he doesn't see your character--that's usually what stable people fall in love with.

 

BTW, OP so glad you are going to see. I wasn't even sure why the outlook on your relationship before that text exchange took a turn for doom and gloom. Even if he had other plans this weekend and didn't ask you out, nothing prior had indicated he wasn't interested in you. Only your own anxiety about it was making you worry that without him having done x,y,z meant he wasn't interest. He sounds interested to me.

 

Actually I know a lot of your thread has been about anxiety etc. A lot of the people that start other threads are so anxious i can feel it through the screen. Other than you telling us you are anxious. I think you are better at concealing it than you give yourself credit for. Obviously, it still affects you in the way that you perceive where you are in the relationship and the impending doom off an action that you took that actually went well. Keep working on your stuff. I don't think you are as bad off as you think you are (about your anxiety) although it takes over at certain instances. Don't worry about your guy. Enjoy it. that will bring out the best in you and will be your best chance. You can't control the rest anyway (his side) so it's pointless to worry about it. have fun saturday.

[Lovelorn00]

No, you should definitely NOT waste your time with a man who does not want to eventually settle down and have a family....but you posted that you wanted to figure out if you were "each other's" LTR.

 

 

IMO, it's too soon to know that.

 

 

Sure by all means find out if his goal is marriage and family.... generally speaking.

 

 

It has only been two months. Become exclusive first, and sure discuss how he feels about LTRs, marriage and family (in general).... just not in the specific concerning you and him yet. Again, it's only been two months and you haven't even agreed to exclusivity yet.

 

 

One step at a time.

 

 

Does that make sense?

 

Yep, yep! I probably should've worded that differently. I meant we are still trying to figure out if we could be each other's LTR, meaning we're trying to see if we're even compatible for a long-term thing.