I'm Scared That I'm Going To Screw This Up

[Versacehottie]

This is pretty deep, and I agree with it 100%. Though I thought I was trying hard to avoid it, I ended up putting this guy (who I barely really now, let's be honest) up on a super high pedestal. This is what gets me in trouble every single time. After a while, I begin to lose myself. I begin to forget about my needs and start doing things just so that he'll see me as someone valuable. The kicker is that it actually starts to decrease my value.

 

I'm really, REALLY hoping that I'm recognizing this early enough on in this relationship to make a positive change for the better. In the past, I wouldn't have realized these things. I definitely feel like I've learned enough from past relationships to actually make a change this time. And it totally helps that I have this forum, because talking it out is a TREMENDOUS help.

 

Well you've totally got it right with what I've bolded. And you've recognized it now and you are still dating, meaning he IS interested---so it's absolutely not too late.

 

I think the forum is great to help you sort it out and at the moments it isn't or there are too many conflicting opinions, you can disregard or take with a grain of salt because you know best for yourself. or Even if you get an overriding one that you don't agree with, don't worry that's your gut telling you that you know best for yourself

[Lovelorn00]

I love all of this. When I get highly anxious around dating as well, I do a lot of positive self talk and remind myself I have a great life and I didn't even know this person until recently! If it doesn't work out, I go back to my great life and I learn something. And if it does, yay, now I have another great person in my great life.

 

Anxiety is such a spiral and so exhausting. Lovelorn00 have you been seeing a cognitive behavioural therapist? My friend has been having some anxious thoughts and was referred to one. I minored in psychology in university and while that makes me far from an expert, I really have faith in CBT because it helps you reprogram your thoughts / brain and hopefully not spiral into these overly anxious places.

 

No, I don’t believe he is a CBT specifically, but he does give me a lot of useful tools to help deal with my anxiety.

I’ve also been reading a book called Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns. It’s excellent in that it forces me to recognize and pinpoint my irrational thinking and/or the negative thought patterns that end up making me feel anxious or depressed. At one point, I even started a journal to write down my negative thought patterns and explained to myself why they’re irrational. I also downloaded a ticker app on my phone so that I can count how many of these thought patterns pop into my head during the day. It’s a lot.

Both of those resources together have been pretty useful, but it’s been very, very difficult to put them to use. I guess that’s just the nature of change, though.

[Redhead14]

No, I don’t believe he is a CBT specifically, but he does give me a lot of useful tools to help deal with my anxiety.

I’ve also been reading a book called Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David Burns. It’s excellent in that it forces me to recognize and pinpoint my irrational thinking and/or the negative thought patterns that end up making me feel anxious or depressed. At one point, I even started a journal to write down my negative thought patterns and explained to myself why they’re irrational. I also downloaded a ticker app on my phone so that I can count how many of these thought patterns pop into my head during the day. It’s a lot.

Both of those resources together have been pretty useful, but it’s been very, very difficult to put them to use. I guess that’s just the nature of change, though.

 

The nature of change is directly related to the level of desire to change . . .

[kpl]

have you seen this guy recently?

[Lovelorn00]

Welp. I guess that’s it. We talked on the phone last night for an hour. We talked about all sorts of things: work, life, hopes, dreams. He confided in me about the difficulties he’s been having at work lately. Overall, it was a very nice conversation.

Until he asked me what my plans were for the week. I (foolishly) thought this was his way of asking me out. I told him I was pretty busy during the work week, but that I didn’t have any concrete plans for the weekend. “Oh, I’m sure you’ll find something to get into!” he replied.

 

Huh???

 

“What about you? What does your week look like?” I asked. He replied that the remainder of his work week was also pretty busy, but that he had a social event on Saturday with a group that he’s a member of. That was it. No invites. No “let’s hang out.” No “so when are we getting together again?” Of course, me (being the creepy stalker type) looked up the social event online and found out that it’s free. “Bring friends!” it said at the bottom of the website. Yeah. Oh well.

 

My dating life is starting to feel a lot like Seinfeld. Is anyone familiar with that show? Though it’s generally considered to be the “show about nothing,” a lot of it focuses on the dating life of the main character, Jerry Seinfeld. He dates a ton of women throughout the show’s run and manages to find something wrong with each of them. One has hands that are rather large (Man Hands). One speaks in a really quiet voice (The Low Talker), and another prefers to eat her dinner peas individually. Hilarity ensues. Ultimately, Jerry ends up dumping the girl or sabotaging the relationship, because he just can’t get past the girl’s rather trivial flaw.

 

I feel like I’m the girl in a world full of Seinfelds. What the hell am I doing to drive all of these men away? This last guy is really throwing me, because we always had a great time whenever we hung out.

 

I DON’T GET IT.

[losangelena]

I take it you didn't ask him out, either?

 

Not saying you should have, it's a tricky situation to be in.

 

The only thing I would do in this situation, is ask him out to something (a specific time/place) and see if he accepts.

[losangelena]

Also, why are you assuming that it's just YOU who is doing something wrong in these situations? That you're "driving them away?" I say this a lot, but the MAJORITY of dating is rejection. Even "sure things" are not always sure. If this guy really isn't that interested, then better to find out NOW than a year from now. That's a blessing.

 

Black and white thinking is a hallmark of anxiety. But like isn't "all or nothing." If you want to date, you're going to have to get comfortable with living in that uncertain gray area. Yes, you may have room for improvement, but that doesn't mean there is something intrinsically wrong with you.

 

Give it one more hail mary pass, and if nothing comes of it, move on.

Edited September 30, 2015 by losangelena

[Jejangles]

You're not doing anything wrong to turn men off you, you're picking the wrong men. Your gut has been red alerting you throughout the time you have been dating this guy that something is off and he may not be interested in a serious relationship with you, but you have rationalised it away.

 

You're taking this all on as your issue and in a way it is. But the issue is you don't stay in tune with your feelings. Listen to yourself!!! Don't freak out about how you are acting or if he likes you. Pay attention to how he is acting, what he is saying and how he makes you feel. As an anxious person you are very in tune with things, when your red alert system is going off, pay attention to it.

 

I'm sorry it seems this guy isn't interested in anything beyond casual. He wouldn't have left you hanging on the week-end like that if he wanted to see you.

[Lovelorn00]

have you seen this guy recently?

 

We saw each other last Thursday. So, 6 days ago.

[Lovelorn00]

Also, why are you assuming that it's just YOU who is doing something wrong in these situations? That you're "driving them away?" I say this a lot, but the MAJORITY of dating is rejection. Even "sure things" are not always sure. If this guy really isn't that interested, then better to find out NOW than a year from now. That's a blessing.

 

Black and white thinking is a hallmark of anxiety. But like isn't "all or nothing." If you want to date, you're going to have to get comfortable with living in that uncertain gray area. Yes, you may have room for improvement, but that doesn't mean there is something intrinsically wrong with you.

 

Give it one more hail mary pass, and if nothing comes of it, move on.

 

Because this happens like clockwork the exact same way every single time. It's baffling to me and quite frustrating, because I feel like I've been through this enough times to actually learn something and to change the way I'm doing things so I could get a different outcome.

[kpl]

ok i'm sorry :-(

 

Even though it's sad for things not to work out, I always try to look at the positive of this situation. You met a great guy that may not be great for you, but it gets you that much closer to honing in your likes/dislikes.

 

I also agree you didn't do anything wrong here. It just seems like maybe he would like to keep things more casual.

[Lovelorn00]

I take it you didn't ask him out, either?

 

Not saying you should have, it's a tricky situation to be in.

 

The only thing I would do in this situation, is ask him out to something (a specific time/place) and see if he accepts.

 

I didn't. I kind of thought the "I don't have any plans this weekend" statement was his open door to invite me to do something with him.

 

Yes, I am debating on asking him to do something this weekend. It's just... I don't want to look like an idiot.

[Lovelorn00]

You're not doing anything wrong to turn men off you, you're picking the wrong men. Your gut has been red alerting you throughout the time you have been dating this guy that something is off and he may not be interested in a serious relationship with you, but you have rationalised it away.

 

You're taking this all on as your issue and in a way it is. But the issue is you don't stay in tune with your feelings. Listen to yourself!!! Don't freak out about how you are acting or if he likes you. Pay attention to how he is acting, what he is saying and how he makes you feel. As an anxious person you are very in tune with things, when your red alert system is going off, pay attention to it.

 

I'm sorry it seems this guy isn't interested in anything beyond casual. He wouldn't have left you hanging on the week-end like that if he wanted to see you.

 

I agree. I should've just walked away a month ago. How am I supposed to trust my gut going forward, though? I feel this kind of anxiety with every guy that I'm attracted to. Sure, maybe I'm attracted to the wrong men, but dang. I'm dating all kinds of different men, from all walks of life, different professions, different personalities.

 

Do I just need to start dating dudes with whom I have zero chemistry? Is that the trick to this? Date someone I don't like?

[kpl]

Because this happens like clockwork the exact same way every single time. It's baffling to me and quite frustrating, because I feel like I've been through this enough times to actually learn something and to change the way I'm doing things so I could get a different outcome.

 

oh honey, I know how you feel but trust me, the chances you did something wrong are slim. I have dated soooo many men. Most first dates that just weren't a fit. I am in my 30s. I have had 3 significant relationships. It's a numbers game.

 

Self improvement is great but work on yourself for yourself not for men.

[kpl]

I agree. I should've just walked away a month ago. How am I supposed to trust my gut going forward, though? I feel this kind of anxiety with every guy that I'm attracted to. Sure, maybe I'm attracted to the wrong men, but dang. I'm dating all kinds of different men, from all walks of life, different professions, different personalities.

 

Do I just need to start dating dudes with whom I have zero chemistry? Is that the trick to this? Date someone I don't like?

 

 

This is tough because I stopped trusting myself a while back because I felt as though I keep making the wrong decisions, so i decided to give up on believing in instant chemistry and the spark. When I look at a person who I am somewhat attracted to but don't get all gooey inside for on day 1 it helps me make a much more objective decision. i just watch to see if something can grow, so I give ppl a couple of weeks before I decide if i want them. Once the person shows up for me, is consistent, keeps making plans, asks questions to get to know me, and if as I am getting to know them I like them the more I hang out I will let my guard down then, but my trust is earned I don't give my trust or heart out right away.

[katiegrl]

I didn't. I kind of thought the "I don't have any plans this weekend" statement was his open door to invite me to do something with him.

 

Yes, I am debating on asking him to do something this weekend. It's just... I don't want to look like an idiot.

 

Sweetie I just gotta chime in here.

 

 

I disagree with losangelina.... I don't think it's wise to ask him out this weekend. It will only make you feel worse than you feel right now, because if he wanted to see you, he would have suggested it.

 

 

You told him you were free this weekend, and his response "I am sure you will find something fun to do," (or words to that affect) -- is a pretty clear indication he has no intention of seeing you this weekend, or even anytime soon, otherwise he would have wanted to schedule something.

 

 

And let's face it, if he were still interested, he would have invited you to join him at the event, since it's free, and it doesn't cost anything.

 

 

I know it hurts like hell and it sucks, but I believe your gut has known all along that something was "off," hence all your anxiety.

 

 

IMO, either pull back (stop texting, calling, etc) OR (and this is what I would personally do) -- tell him you are looking for more than he is willing or desirous of giving you at this point in time, and walk away quietly.

 

 

I am so sorry.... ((hugs))

 

 

By the way, yesterday you said you were going to call your doctor today.

 

 

Have you done that?

[Lovelorn00]

Once the person shows up for me, is consistent, keeps making plans, asks questions to get to know me, and if as I am getting to know them I like them the more I hang out I will let my guard down then, but my trust is earned I don't give my trust or heart out right away.

 

He did all of these things without fail. That's what tricked me into thinking he was into me. Every single day he'd call or text. While we were on a date, he'd ask for another, or if he didn't, it was a couple of days after. He would ask a TON of questions about me, my life, my dreams, my family, my upbringing. Not only that, but he REMEMBERS all of it and brings up little facts about me in later conversations. Man, he was good. I can't believe I fell for that crap.

[jam.over.jelly]

You're a lot like me Loverlorn00, when it comes to dating guys that you feel strong chemistry with. I overthink everything, I analyze every little thing, and it drives me nuts! Subconciously we might send out that vibe to the guy too, and we don't even know it. More often than not though, we don't do anything wrong! It's just our expectations about these guys are too high. And when they don't meet those expectations, we're disappointed. We expect the guys we like to ask us out every single weekend, when reality is that, he might be moving a bit slower than we do, he is very well dating others and trying to fit them into his schedule too. Meanwhile, we're over here, sitting on fire, being upset when he hasn't asked us out again. So why are we being so passive aggressive here? Take control once in a while, let him ask you out for the first couple dates, and if you do want to ask him out, ask him out. If he accepts, you know he's interested. If he declines, you also know where you stand. At this point, if you were already too eager about him, you would know to slow down, and keep him in the back burner. Keep dating him, but keep him at arm's length, and date others. Man, I have learned this recently. It's tough, I honestly just want to find one man that I like, and date him only, but dating doesn't work that way. If you want to be in a meaningful, committed relationship with one man, you need to force yourself to date multiple men. It expands your chances, and it also gives you the opportunity to pick out the best one for you, instead of fixating on just one guy.

 

Don't overthink it, date him, but remember, you're the one trying to see if he will be a good fit for you, NOT the other way around. G

 

Good luck!

[katiegrl]

He did all of these things without fail. That's what tricked me into thinking he was into me. Every single day he'd call or text. While we were on a date, he'd ask for another, or if he didn't, it was a couple of days after. He would ask a TON of questions about me, my life, my dreams, my family, my upbringing. Not only that, but he REMEMBERS all of it and brings up little facts about me in later conversations. Man, he was good. I can't believe I fell for that crap.

 

I don't think he was full of crap LL.

 

 

I am sure at the time he said and did those things, he DID mean them.

 

 

But feelings change sometimes, especially in these early stages.

 

 

I think his feelings changed, that's all....

 

 

It happens, life goes on.

 

 

Please re-read my earlier posts re IF this RL does not work out.

 

 

You are a survivor -- you will be FINE....and STRONGER as a result of this.

 

 

Every hurt and disappointment is actually an "opportunity in disguise."

 

 

It's an opportunity to reflect, to learn and to grow.

 

 

There is someone better for you out there LL.

 

 

Now go find him!! :bunny:

[kpl]

He did all of these things without fail. That's what tricked me into thinking he was into me. Every single day he'd call or text. While we were on a date, he'd ask for another, or if he didn't, it was a couple of days after. He would ask a TON of questions about me, my life, my dreams, my family, my upbringing. Not only that, but he REMEMBERS all of it and brings up little facts about me in later conversations. Man, he was good. I can't believe I fell for that crap.

 

I am not so sure he or you did anything wrong here. He respected you, was interested. Yesterday he could have said you know what I am not sure I want a relationship. You just don't know what happened here. It didn't seem like he was tricking you in any way. It's not about you. It's where he is at or what he was looking for. And he isn't good enough for you because you want more from him and he can't give that to you.

[losangelena]

He did all of these things without fail. That's what tricked me into thinking he was into me. Every single day he'd call or text. While we were on a date, he'd ask for another, or if he didn't, it was a couple of days after. He would ask a TON of questions about me, my life, my dreams, my family, my upbringing. Not only that, but he REMEMBERS all of it and brings up little facts about me in later conversations. Man, he was good. I can't believe I fell for that crap.

 

See, I also think this is wrongheaded. I don't sincerely believe this guy tricked you, like he intentionally led you on and is now just dropping you.

 

I agree with JOJ, it's more about keeping the expectations in check. Yes, it's confusing and disappointing to not get asked out again, but you guys talked on the phone for an HOUR.

 

If he has been doing all the initiating, then maybe it is time to do a bit of your own (yeah Katie on this point we don't agree), if you WANT to. If you want to keep seeing him, then asking him out will not make you look foolish. Asking for what you want is not foolish.

 

When my ex and I first started dating, we went out four times (slept together after date three) but after date four he DRAGGED his feet in asking me out again. I finally asked him out and he accepted. Granted, it fell apart after a year and I was never really sure it was fully on-board, but these two men do not really sound similar.

 

If you want to, ask him out. If you feel as if the anxiety will continue to be debilitating, then just drop it. But don't sit here thinking that he tricked you into something.

[Jejangles]

This is tough because I stopped trusting myself a while back because I felt as though I keep making the wrong decisions, so i decided to give up on believing in instant chemistry and the spark. When I look at a person who I am somewhat attracted to but don't get all gooey inside for on day 1 it helps me make a much more objective decision. i just watch to see if something can grow, so I give ppl a couple of weeks before I decide if i want them. Once the person shows up for me, is consistent, keeps making plans, asks questions to get to know me, and if as I am getting to know them I like them the more I hang out I will let my guard down then, but my trust is earned I don't give my trust or heart out right away.

 

Yes, this! You don't need to date men you're not attracted to, but you could give men you're unsure about a bit more of a chance. And hold back when you do feel attraction - continue multi dating and pay attention to your internal signals. Try not to get too caught up in any one person until they give you reason to.

 

You have done nothing wrong in this situation, it takes time to see if someone is right for you. For now I would pull back from this guy and see what (if anything happens). I personally would not be asking him out - you made it clear you were open with your week-end comment and he didn't jump on it. I just get a casual vibe from him, it all reminds me so much of the guy I dated for four months who when I finally asked what he wanted said "oh just to keep it casual".

 

In the meantime, have you read through the website Baggage Reclaim? And the book Attached? I feel like both those sources have lots of information on why some of us are attracted to the wrong people.

[BluEyeL]

Because this happens like clockwork the exact same way every single time. It's baffling to me and quite frustrating, because I feel like I've been through this enough times to actually learn something and to change the way I'm doing things so I could get a different outcome.

 

How long have you been dating? Yes, if he doesn't constantly ask you out for the weekend, he's not that interested. Probably seeing other people, most likely. Probably choose someone else. Did you sleep with him?

[BluEyeL]

 

Do I just need to start dating dudes with whom I have zero chemistry? Is that the trick to this? Date someone I don't like?

 

It depends how you define chemistry. Under some circumstances, yes, you should date someone that you have less "chemistry' with, although you should like him to some extent, IF they are relationship material and very much into you. They can dump you too though.

[BluEyeL]

See, I also think this is wrongheaded. I don't sincerely believe this guy tricked you, like he intentionally led you on and is now just dropping you.

 

I agree with JOJ, it's more about keeping the expectations in check. Yes, it's confusing and disappointing to not get asked out again, but you guys talked on the phone for an HOUR.

 

If he has been doing all the initiating, then maybe it is time to do a bit of your own (yeah Katie on this point we don't agree), if you WANT to. If you want to keep seeing him, then asking him out will not make you look foolish. Asking for what you want is not foolish.

 

When my ex and I first started dating, we went out four times (slept together after date three) but after date four he DRAGGED his feet in asking me out again. I finally asked him out and he accepted. Granted, it fell apart after a year and I was never really sure it was fully on-board, but these two men do not really sound similar.

 

If you want to, ask him out. If you feel as if the anxiety will continue to be debilitating, then just drop it. But don't sit here thinking that he tricked you into something.

I'm with Katie here, the guy isn't interested and if he still is, he knows where LL is and he'll ask her out. Your guy was never really into it either, why drag something out. Phone calls are just crumbs, not a relationship. I had a guy who kept calling and talking and only asking me out twice a month. it's a good way for him to get an ego stroke and keep her on a string.

 

LL, your best course of action is to simply do nothing. If you do that, I guarantee, 100% that he will be back. I don't know when, one came back to me after more than 1 year. But also, it's not likely to work out even if he did come back. But if you do nothing, your chances are higher, if you still care about going out with this guy.