I'm Scared That I'm Going To Screw This Up

[katiegrl]

I love how open ppl are when talking about anxiety and meds in general it gives ppl a great idea of what to expect. And yes psychiatrist are in the business of administering meds and their evals are typically just assessment tools, which is why i mentioned a psychologist. It can help but many things help too. I am also a social worker so I'm all about therapy! :-)

 

I saw a psychologist too, but since they are not medical doctors, cannot prescribe the meds....

[Lovelorn00]

I think you hit the nail on the head. I think anxiety can be a thing that isn't controllable OR triggered by your subconscious. The uncertainty might be an issue for you. Just ask him about what he's looking for, it may put your mind to rest.

 

The very idea of asking him that is terrifying to me.

[Lovelorn00]

LL - I was on several until my doctor and I found the right one that worked for ME (Paxil, which is one of the only ones that treats both depression AND anxiety). With an emphasis on anxiety.

 

 

Lexapro did not work - I was on one other (can't remember name) - did not work for me either. Made me nauseous and I could not stand that.

 

 

And yeah you do feel a bit weird at first...but after a few weeks (again with me it took around six weeks) you would NOT believe the difference.

 

 

I believe it saved my life - and I mean that quite literally....

 

I think it would be the wisest thing for me to do at this point. Tonight, I'm dying. My entire body is tense. My muscles are all tense. I'm literally trembling, and I have no idea why. My heart is racing. It feels like I've been running for an hour, but I've not moved. My chest is starting to hurt, and I just want to cry. I'm calling a doctor tomorrow.

[Lovelorn00]

For the guy, I think I'm coming from experiences I have had and may be projecting a bit. I also have had anxiety my entire life but i know that any time i have had constant worrying about a guy its been b/c of red flags i missed and i thought of it has love/spark/chemistry and it was just an uneasy feeling. An easy fix to quell the worrying to me is to just to tell him what you want and ask him what he is looking for, especially since you guys are mature adults, its the kind of communication you would need to establish and build on anyway. 2 months - enough time has gone by. Then some of the questions might stop bc you guys have covered them.

 

See, this is terrifying to me. It's like I mentioned earlier - is my attraction for him driven by an uneasy feeling? I've really tried, and besides being a rather busy guy, I can't think of any other red flags that I might have missed. I basically can't trust my brain, and that's such a horrifying feeling. I wish I had the nerve to ask him these questions, but 2 months still seems too soon to me. I don't know...

[Lovelorn00]

My fear for OP is that because she's built this man up in such a way, she's somewhat afraid to assert herself or seek reassurance, because if she does, what if it drives him away? So she stays quiet, but the anxiety just builds and builds.

 

This is exactly what's happening. For some reason, I don't see asserting myself working out positively in any way in this situation. I've learned that men run from that. Men run from women who are vocal about their needs in a relationship. So, if I want a relationship (and I do, very badly), then it's best that I keep my mouth shut. As a result, the anxiety builds. I'm kicking myself, because I really did think that I had this under control. I've been in therapy for a couple of years now. I really thought I was improving, and now I'm back to the point I was at when I first made the decision to seek therapy. I'm at the point where the anxiety is making it difficult to live my life. Very difficult. Tonight, my shaky hands are having trouble holding a cup of water without spilling it. How in the world did I let this happen?

[kpl]

See, this is terrifying to me. It's like I mentioned earlier - is my attraction for him driven by an uneasy feeling? I've really tried, and besides being a rather busy guy, I can't think of any other red flags that I might have missed. I basically can't trust my brain, and that's such a horrifying feeling. I wish I had the nerve to ask him these questions, but 2 months still seems too soon to me. I don't know...

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. I think at this point just focusing on yourself is the best thing you can do. Work on getting your anxiety under control first. You won't be able to date anyone if you don't take care of yourself first.

 

If 2 months is too soon for you, just keep moving at a pace that is comfortable for you as you work on your anxiety issues. Your health is your priority.

[kpl]

This is exactly what's happening. For some reason, I don't see asserting myself working out positively in any way in this situation. I've learned that men run from that. Men run from women who are vocal about their needs in a relationship. So, if I want a relationship (and I do, very badly), then it's best that I keep my mouth shut. As a result, the anxiety builds. I'm kicking myself, because I really did think that I had this under control. I've been in therapy for a couple of years now. I really thought I was improving, and now I'm back to the point I was at when I first made the decision to seek therapy. I'm at the point where the anxiety is making it difficult to live my life. Very difficult. Tonight, my shaky hands are having trouble holding a cup of water without spilling it. How in the world did I let this happen?

 

This happens to everyone who deals with mental health issues. I had my first panic attack in 10 years last year and I thought not this again! If you improved before and worked on it before you can do it again.

 

Don't worry about the talk just yet, just take care of yourself for yourself. IF this is meant to be it will be.

 

Also.....initiating the talk is more about making sure you are on the same page with someone before emotionally investing and you need to have some form of it at some point. If thinking about it causes you stress, don't have the conversation until you feel mentally ready. In most cases, when things are going well, it's a formality, but if the idea is stressful don't do it.

[Versacehottie]

This is exactly what's happening. For some reason, I don't see asserting myself working out positively in any way in this situation. I've learned that men run from that. Men run from women who are vocal about their needs in a relationship. So, if I want a relationship (and I do, very badly), then it's best that I keep my mouth shut.

 

My observations about men responding to women being assertive is exactly the opposite. Not nagging. No one responds well to that. But stating your needs, expressing yourself AS IF you have every right to and every right to be in the relationship. And that you are not waiting for some sign from him that it's ok to express yourself. Look around, those are the women who most of the time have some guy completely in love with her. When you express yourself as if you have right to, knowing it might shake the ground but doing it anyway, caring about yourself more, you become super valuable (as long as you are reasonable and yes sometimes you just won't be on same page but at least you will find out way sooner). Not in a mean way, but a girl who will "walk" if she is not getting what she wants is exactly what draws a guy in. Do it in a feminine way. Look around. Seriously obverse people.

 

Just a word of caution. Once patterns are established, it is tough to change them, ie that's why you want to be careful at beginning of relationship, because the patterns you create ARE the "deal". That goes for most relationships not just romantic ones. That's why should find ways to speak up about "stuff' at beginning; while having fun, showing you are fun. It's a challenge and yes stressful. I just want to be voice of reassurance: he sure sounds interested.

Edited September 29, 2015 by Versacehottie

[losangelena]

This is exactly what's happening. For some reason, I don't see asserting myself working out positively in any way in this situation. I've learned that men run from that. Men run from women who are vocal about their needs in a relationship. So, if I want a relationship (and I do, very badly), then it's best that I keep my mouth shut. As a result, the anxiety builds. I'm kicking myself, because I really did think that I had this under control. I've been in therapy for a couple of years now. I really thought I was improving, and now I'm back to the point I was at when I first made the decision to seek therapy. I'm at the point where the anxiety is making it difficult to live my life. Very difficult. Tonight, my shaky hands are having trouble holding a cup of water without spilling it. How in the world did I let this happen?

 

Oh yeah, I feel that. I understand now exactly what's driving your anxiety. I felt the same way (though not to that extent) in my last relationship.

 

I guess the thing to ask yourself is, why do you want to be in a relationship like that? If you telegraph it out—what if a relationship lasts for 30 years? You're going to have to sit in unassertive silence for 30 years? It's unnatural, and unfair to YOU. You deserve to be in a relationship where your needs and wants are met, and where your partner knows and understands you to that extent. And, I'd say that it does your partner a favor, because they get to know the REAL you, not the half-you that never wants to rock the boat.

 

Trust me on this. I just spent a year doing this, and my relationship fell apart anyway. The worst part about not asserting yourself, beyond not having a fulfilling relationship, is that it won't actually save your relationship, and it COULD drag out a bad relationship for longer than is necessary.

 

I would agree that men CAN get driven away by a woman who asserts herself, but I would counter and say that the RIGHT men will not.

[Versacehottie]

I guess the thing to ask yourself is, why do you want to be in a relationship like that? If you telegraph it out—what if a relationship lasts for 30 years? You're going to have to sit in unassertive silence for 30 years? It's unnatural, and unfair to YOU. You deserve to be in a relationship where your needs and wants are met, and where your partner knows and understands you to that extent. And, I'd say that it does your partner a favor, because they get to know the REAL you, not the half-you that never wants to rock the boat.

 

Trust me on this. I just spent a year doing this, and my relationship fell apart anyway. The worst part about not asserting yourself, beyond not having a fulfilling relationship, is that it won't actually save your relationship, and it COULD drag out a bad relationship for longer than is necessary.

 

I would agree that men CAN get driven away by a woman who asserts herself, but I would counter and say that the RIGHT men will not.

 

To add, that if along the way you have disagreements, misunderstandings or if it doesn't work out, you are going to be QUESTIONING YOURSELF the whole way along and having REGRETS because you are not being true to who you are. More than just speaking up but letting a person know the real you.

 

And always wondering if he knew the real you would it make a difference in the outcome of it all. So effectively it can end up tearing you down and apart and you are the one doing it to yourself.

*ps the is the universal "you" not you OP or losangelena. Just an additional comment on that thought pathway:cool:

[BluEyeL]

It is normal to be anxious in the early stages of a relationship. And no, you cannot really be very vocal early on. In the beginning, before you get to the relationship stage, communication is mostly coded because there is not enough history, understanding, information about each other and bonding. That's what both partners do and it is normal. You have to make decisions based on the information you have and work really hard on keeping your cool. Later, is a different story. Intimacy develops gradually.

 

I can also relate to having a lot of anxiety while dating. It was pretty difficult to manage but I got better and better, over several months to one year by using techniques I learned by listening to audiobooks, mainly by Wayne Dyer (and similar). Meditation every morning and every evening. Positive affirmations every day throughout the day. When feeling anxious, I would take a walk and re-listen to my audiobooks. I went to therapy too, but the audiobooks helped more. When I started dating my current boyfriend of 1 year and 3 months, when I was having difficulties, I was telling myself repeatedly "X loves me" (although we weren't at the love stage yet).

 

These being said, you have to accept that if the guy doesn't become exclusive within 3 to 4 months maximum, you have to bring it up and be ready to end it if you don't come to an agreement. Hopefully it won't get there. I'd give it one more month and I would bring it up if he doesn't.

[Versacehottie]

It is normal to be anxious in the early stages of a relationship. And no, you cannot really be very vocal early on. In the beginning, before you get to the relationship stage, communication is mostly coded because there is not enough history, understanding, information about each other and bonding. That's what both partners do and it is normal. You have to make decisions based on the information you have and work really hard on keeping your cool. Later, is a different story. Intimacy develops gradually.

 

I can also relate to having a lot of anxiety while dating. It was pretty difficult to manage but I got better and better, over several months to one year by using techniques I learned by listening to audiobooks, mainly by Wayne Dyer (and similar). Meditation every morning and every evening. Positive affirmations every day throughout the day. When feeling anxious, I would take a walk and re-listen to my audiobooks. I went to therapy too, but the audiobooks helped more. When I started dating my current boyfriend of 1 year and 3 months, when I was having difficulties, I was telling myself repeatedly "X loves me" (although we weren't at the love stage yet).

 

These being said, you have to accept that if the guy doesn't become exclusive within 3 to 4 months maximum, you have to bring it up and be ready to end it if you don't come to an agreement. Hopefully it won't get there. I'd give it one more month and I would bring it up if he doesn't.

 

I agree that it IS tricky to be vocal and how at the beginning. You have to be careful of how you do it and about which things. I wouldn't say that it needs to boiled that down to just knowing the answer to the exclusivity question in fact quite the opposite (not that that is what you meant Blue Eye L). Because you already have a problem if that is all you really want to find out. You can and should be speaking up along the way about a variety of things to show that you have value and are the type who will walk if things are not making her happy because they already know you are not some shrinking violet. Thus they strive to make you happy and most importantly take your feelings and interests into account because you are showing them that you matter along the way and have value.

 

Wanting to know only the answer to the exclusivity question is jarring and desperate if you are not already a person who speaks up with the guy. It will look (and is!) as if you care about that part too much. I'm of the opinion if you do the other stuff, he will (and should) be the one trying to pin you down because you've already shown you have value or will simply pull back if you are not getting what you want&need from the relationship. I don't think I'm explaining it too well and don't mean to imply that anyone, including OP, is just sitting there quietly.

 

I do think that some of the anxiety comes from not feeling as though you have a say in the matter and waiting for the BIG answer (does he want to be with me as a gf, or then does he want to move in or get married). You can alleviate some of that by participating in the "decisions" and power of the relationship, changing your intention (YOU are gathering info about him to find out if HE would make a good partner rather than will HE pick ME?). It's funny that the audio books and affirmation of "he loves me" helped. In a way, it's very similar. By saying that affirmation you gave YOURSELF the answer to the question that was making you anxious rather than waiting for him to do it or putting unnecessary tension into the relationship. That's kind of what I saying. Get your own answers. Put yourself into the mindset of the chooser and creator of your own life. Rather than hand it over to someone else.

 

Especially what you want very much, which is a relationship with a good guy who treats you well and excites you. Don't just determine that THIS guy is that one. Teach him how to treat you TO SEE IF he is that one. Shift of focus. I agree that if you find some type of personal growth training like audiobooks, books, meditation (whatever works for you) it will help. You can feel like you are actively doing something towards the outcome of the relationship without dumping the entirety of your inner turmoil on the actual relationship or other person. And then yes speak up in ways that teach a person how to treat you and about your value (not scolding them or telling them off--well sometimes but it's not very necessarily if you plant value seeds early)

Edited September 29, 2015 by Versacehottie

[BluEyeL]

Agree, you have to find a way to appear confident (and be confident-affirmations helped me with that) and communicate what your desires/standards are along the way, in a non-demanding manner, without a big "talk".

 

However, some (most) guys are just not "it". And no amount of communication, non-communication, or whatever else you try will make them be "the one", make them treat you right, make you their girlfriend and love you. Some, you have to let go of once you gathered enough information.

 

I did let go of men I liked a lot and it did hurt and I had to heavily use my books and techniques after the dissapointment(s). When it got to the point that I had to have a "talk" with them about one big issue (such as exclusivity or whatever), that was the end of it. Men will do what they want to do and will not change because you tell them to. All you can really do is be confident, communicate with both words AND actions what your standards are, and if they don't meet them after a reasonable time, decide that it's a good thing to let them go, even if it hurts because that frees you to be available for the man who will be the one for a relationship with you. Do not put up with a man who throws you crumbs of time and attention.

 

The biggest problem in early dating is that we hope every time that the relationship will work out and it most often doesn't happen. Know that if it's not going to happen, it will not anyway so release that person and keep looking ahead. Anxiety is normal even in the beginning of a happy relationship. You'll eventually get more secure as the time passes. It's also up to the man to make you feel secure by coming through. If you notice that you keep being overly anxious over 3, 4 or 6 months of dating, maybe you should look at what he's doing because it means it isn't working for you.

[Lovelorn00]

This happens to everyone who deals with mental health issues. I had my first panic attack in 10 years last year and I thought not this again! If you improved before and worked on it before you can do it again.

 

Don't worry about the talk just yet, just take care of yourself for yourself. IF this is meant to be it will be.

 

Also.....initiating the talk is more about making sure you are on the same page with someone before emotionally investing and you need to have some form of it at some point. If thinking about it causes you stress, don't have the conversation until you feel mentally ready. In most cases, when things are going well, it's a formality, but if the idea is stressful don't do it.

 

True. That's what I really need to focus on right now. Just take the best care of myself that I possibly can. I just can't stop thinking about the what-ifs. What if he isn't on the same page as me? What if he isn't actually looking for a relationship, and I've wasted my time? What if the signals I've been picking up are wrong? What does that say about me as a person? And on and on and on and on...

[Lovelorn00]

My observations about men responding to women being assertive is exactly the opposite. Not nagging. No one responds well to that. But stating your needs, expressing yourself AS IF you have every right to and every right to be in the relationship. And that you are not waiting for some sign from him that it's ok to express yourself. Look around, those are the women who most of the time have some guy completely in love with her. When you express yourself as if you have right to, knowing it might shake the ground but doing it anyway, caring about yourself more, you become super valuable (as long as you are reasonable and yes sometimes you just won't be on same page but at least you will find out way sooner). Not in a mean way, but a girl who will "walk" if she is not getting what she wants is exactly what draws a guy in. Do it in a feminine way. Look around. Seriously obverse people.

 

Just a word of caution. Once patterns are established, it is tough to change them, ie that's why you want to be careful at beginning of relationship, because the patterns you create ARE the "deal". That goes for most relationships not just romantic ones. That's why should find ways to speak up about "stuff' at beginning; while having fun, showing you are fun. It's a challenge and yes stressful. I just want to be voice of reassurance: he sure sounds interested.

 

Thanks for the reassuring words. They really do help. Funny thing is, this guy has given me absolutely no reason to think that I CAN'T be up front with him and state my needs. That's part of my frustration. I should feel comfortable enough around him to speak up and initiate the important conversations, but I just freeze. The fear is debilitating.

[Lovelorn00]

It is normal to be anxious in the early stages of a relationship. And no, you cannot really be very vocal early on. In the beginning, before you get to the relationship stage, communication is mostly coded because there is not enough history, understanding, information about each other and bonding. That's what both partners do and it is normal. You have to make decisions based on the information you have and work really hard on keeping your cool. Later, is a different story. Intimacy develops gradually.

 

I can also relate to having a lot of anxiety while dating. It was pretty difficult to manage but I got better and better, over several months to one year by using techniques I learned by listening to audiobooks, mainly by Wayne Dyer (and similar). Meditation every morning and every evening. Positive affirmations every day throughout the day. When feeling anxious, I would take a walk and re-listen to my audiobooks. I went to therapy too, but the audiobooks helped more. When I started dating my current boyfriend of 1 year and 3 months, when I was having difficulties, I was telling myself repeatedly "X loves me" (although we weren't at the love stage yet).

 

These being said, you have to accept that if the guy doesn't become exclusive within 3 to 4 months maximum, you have to bring it up and be ready to end it if you don't come to an agreement. Hopefully it won't get there. I'd give it one more month and I would bring it up if he doesn't.

 

This is spot on. Though, the more I get to know him, he strikes me as the type of person who is okay with (and even welcomes) deeper conversations about who we are as people and what we're looking for in relationships. But I can't be sure at this early stage, so I choose to just keep our conversations at surface level for now. But I'm going to have to make a choice at some point. Either this anxiety is going to ruin me and any chances I have with this guy or I need to speak up and risk the chance that he'll walk away.

 

I have a few Wayne Dyer audio books that I've never listened to. The plan today is to go for a good run after work. When I get home, I'll meditate, read, cook, maybe pamper myself a little by painting my toe nails and doing a facial, and try not to obsess over him. Hopefully, all of that will take up my time and energy before bed time.

[Redhead14]

True. That's what I really need to focus on right now. Just take the best care of myself that I possibly can. I just can't stop thinking about the what-ifs. What if he isn't on the same page as me? What if he isn't actually looking for a relationship, and I've wasted my time? What if the signals I've been picking up are wrong? What does that say about me as a person? And on and on and on and on...

 

These are all about negative thinking. Turn those questions around . . .

 

What if he isn't on the same page as me? -- What if he is?

 

What if he isn't actually looking for a relationship, and I've wasted my time? -- What if he is looking for a relationship and you haven't wasted your time?

 

What if the signals I've been picking up are wrong? -- What if the signals you've been picking up are right?

 

What does that say about me as a person? -- What do you think about yourself as a person in this scenario? A woman who is enjoying her time with a new man who seems to meet her needs for a relationship, right?

 

And as far as whether or not he is looking for a relationship -- you can find that out without coming off as pushing him or putting him off. You simply say, I'm looking for a long-term relationship for myself in the future. What do you want for yourself? That's something you should have found out fairly early. You aren't telling him you want a relationship with him, you just want to know what his goals are and whether or not the two of you share that common goal.

 

The sooner you ferret that out in any new dating scenario, the better off you are. And, even if a guy says he's looking for a relationship, it doesn't necessarily mean it's going to be with you, you have to observe how he dates you. It sounds as though this guy is dating you like he's looking for a relationship. I'd go with it for a little while longer. It's still early.

 

And, keep this in mind, you may be out with him one day and he does something that turns YOU off. You haven't seen all of him yet. Balance and manage your expectations and emotions.

 

Relax.

[Lovelorn00]

Get your own answers. Put yourself into the mindset of the chooser and creator of your own life. Rather than hand it over to someone else.

 

This is pretty deep, and I agree with it 100%. Though I thought I was trying hard to avoid it, I ended up putting this guy (who I barely really now, let's be honest) up on a super high pedestal. This is what gets me in trouble every single time. After a while, I begin to lose myself. I begin to forget about my needs and start doing things just so that he'll see me as someone valuable. The kicker is that it actually starts to decrease my value.

 

I'm really, REALLY hoping that I'm recognizing this early enough on in this relationship to make a positive change for the better. In the past, I wouldn't have realized these things. I definitely feel like I've learned enough from past relationships to actually make a change this time. And it totally helps that I have this forum, because talking it out is a TREMENDOUS help.

[Lovelorn00]

These are all about negative thinking. Turn those questions around . . .

 

What if he isn't on the same page as me? -- What if he is?

 

What if he isn't actually looking for a relationship, and I've wasted my time? -- What if he is looking for a relationship and you haven't wasted your time?

 

What if the signals I've been picking up are wrong? -- What if the signals you've been picking up are right?

 

What does that say about me as a person? -- What do you think about yourself as a person in this scenario? A woman who is enjoying her time with a new man who seems to meet her needs for a relationship, right?

 

And as far as whether or not he is looking for a relationship -- you can find that out without coming off as pushing him or putting him off. You simply say, I'm looking for a long-term relationship for myself in the future. What do you want for yourself? That's something you should have found out fairly early. You aren't telling him you want a relationship with him, you just want to know what his goals are and whether or not the two of you share that common goal.

 

The sooner you ferret that out in any new dating scenario, the better off you are. And, even if a guy says he's looking for a relationship, it doesn't necessarily mean it's going to be with you, you have to observe how he dates you. It sounds as though this guy is dating you like he's looking for a relationship. I'd go with it for a little while longer. It's still early.

 

And, keep this in mind, you may be out with him one day and he does something that turns YOU off. You haven't seen all of him yet. Balance and manage your expectations and emotions.

 

Relax.

 

Yeeeeah, I REALLY need to work on my positive thinking skills. Big time. My best friend is always yelling at me, "Positive Mental Attitude!" or PMA! I seem to have completely forgotten that mantra in this situation.

 

Those are all valid points. About a month into dating, he jokingly asked me where I saw myself in 5 years. It was a joke, because we were comparing dating to job interviews. At this point, I had not become completely and insanely obsessed with him yet, so I gave him an honest answer. I told him that I saw myself traveling the world with my husband and kids, because in my dream world, that's exactly what I want. I probably wouldn't have answered that way in my current state of severe anxiety, because I would be too afraid that the "husband and kids" part would make him run for the hills. Because no guy actually wants to be locked down, right?

 

Then I turned the question around to him. He responded that he wanted the exact same thing, albeit in sort of a jokey way.

 

Now, was he saying that just to make me feel a certain way about him? It's totally possible. But knowing a bit about his family background and looking at the way he answered his questions on his OKC profile, I don't think he was lying. I think he is definitely looking for a long-term thing. It may or may not be with me, but I do think we're looking for the same things in life.

 

Now that I've typed that out, I realize how irrational some of my thinking is. These negative thoughts - they tend to be so automatic with me sometimes, when they actually have no basis in reality at all. If I would just stop for a second and reason it out, I may see the error in that type of thinking.

[katiegrl]

These are all about negative thinking. Turn those questions around . . .

 

What if he isn't on the same page as me? -- What if he is?

 

What if he isn't actually looking for a relationship, and I've wasted my time? -- What if he is looking for a relationship and you haven't wasted your time?

 

What if the signals I've been picking up are wrong? -- What if the signals you've been picking up are right?

 

What does that say about me as a person? -- What do you think about yourself as a person in this scenario? A woman who is enjoying her time with a new man who seems to meet her needs for a relationship, right?

 

And as far as whether or not he is looking for a relationship -- you can find that out without coming off as pushing him or putting him off. You simply say, I'm looking for a long-term relationship for myself in the future. What do you want for yourself? That's something you should have found out fairly early. You aren't telling him you want a relationship with him, you just want to know what his goals are and whether or not the two of you share that common goal.

 

The sooner you ferret that out in any new dating scenario, the better off you are. And, even if a guy says he's looking for a relationship, it doesn't necessarily mean it's going to be with you, you have to observe how he dates you. It sounds as though this guy is dating you like he's looking for a relationship. I'd go with it for a little while longer. It's still early.

 

And, keep this in mind, you may be out with him one day and he does something that turns YOU off. You haven't seen all of him yet. Balance and manage your expectations and emotions.

 

Relax.

 

 

Red's take on this is great but how about turning it around in a different way.

 

 

What if he isn't on the same page as me? -- Then you move on and find a man who is!! Be thankful you didn't spend more time with a man who was NOT on the same page as you!

 

What if he isn't actually looking for a relationship, and I've wasted my time? -- NOTHING you do in life is a "waste of time." Even if it doesn't work out, hopefully you have learned something about yourself, relationships and the world to bring to your next RL.

 

What if the signals I've been picking up are wrong? -- So what if they are? You introspect in an effort to ascertain where you went wrong .... so you don't make the same mistake(s) again.

 

What does that say about me as a person? -- It says that you are HUMAN who makes mistakes but learns and grows from those mistakes.

[Redhead14]

Yeeeeah, I REALLY need to work on my positive thinking skills. Big time. My best friend is always yelling at me, "Positive Mental Attitude!" or PMA! I seem to have completely forgotten that mantra in this situation.

 

Those are all valid points. About a month into dating, he jokingly asked me where I saw myself in 5 years. It was a joke, because we were comparing dating to job interviews. At this point, I had not become completely and insanely obsessed with him yet, so I gave him an honest answer. I told him that I saw myself traveling the world with my husband and kids, because in my dream world, that's exactly what I want. I probably wouldn't have answered that way in my current state of severe anxiety, because I would be too afraid that the "husband and kids" part would make him run for the hills. Because no guy actually wants to be locked down, right?

 

Then I turned the question around to him. He responded that he wanted the exact same thing, albeit in sort of a jokey way.

 

Now, was he saying that just to make me feel a certain way about him? It's totally possible. But knowing a bit about his family background and looking at the way he answered his questions on his OKC profile, I don't think he was lying. I think he is definitely looking for a long-term thing. It may or may not be with me, but I do think we're looking for the same things in life.

 

Now that I've typed that out, I realize how irrational some of my thinking is. These negative thoughts - they tend to be so automatic with me sometimes, when they actually have no basis in reality at all. If I would just stop for a second and reason it out, I may see the error in that type of thinking.

 

Negative self-thinking is what erodes confidence. Most of these negative thoughts are just that, thoughts based on nothing really and 9 times out of 10, the positive way of thinking about something is just as likely as the other possibility.

[Lovelorn00]

That again being said, I do wonder if there is something about this relationship that's causing driving your already high anxiety through the roof. I'm a naturally anxious person, so when I got anxious in my last relationship, I thought it was just me, but really there were some underlying issues IN the relationship that were driving it as well. It's something to consider at least.

 

This is close to the top of the list of thoughts that are driving me insane. Does a high level of attraction = run away as fast as I can? If that's the case, then I just need to stick with the guys with whom I feel no spark or chemistry, which is a really depressing thought. "I don't like you - we'd be great together!"

 

I will admit that my track record is horrible when it comes to being able to recognize when someone is bad for me. But like you, I'm a naturally anxious person. I also tend to let that anxiety turn into negative thought patterns as the above poster pointed out. Those two things combined, according to my close friends, ends up turning into self-sabotage. Even if the guy does have a few red flags, I also played a role in causing the relationship to come to an end.

 

With this guy, I aim to change that. You guys have empowered me to change that, and I believe that I can. He's not giving off any red flags (that I've picked up on anyway), besides the one about being a pretty busy dude. I feel like I'm at a crossroads where I can either take the same path I've taken in past relationship or I can choose a different way. I'm making the decision to choose a different path this time.

[Redhead14]

This is close to the top of the list of thoughts that are driving me insane. Does a high level of attraction = run away as fast as I can? If that's the case, then I just need to stick with the guys with whom I feel no spark or chemistry, which is a really depressing thought. "I don't like you - we'd be great together!"

 

I will admit that my track record is horrible when it comes to being able to recognize when someone is bad for me. But like you, I'm a naturally anxious person. I also tend to let that anxiety turn into negative thought patterns as the above poster pointed out. Those two things combined, according to my close friends, ends up turning into self-sabotage. Even if the guy does have a few red flags, I also played a role in causing the relationship to come to an end.

 

With this guy, I aim to change that. You guys have empowered me to change that, and I believe that I can. He's not giving off any red flags (that I've picked up on anyway), besides the one about being a pretty busy dude. I feel like I'm at a crossroads where I can either take the same path I've taken in past relationship or I can choose a different way. I'm making the decision to choose a different path this time.

 

besides the one about being a pretty busy dude -- this by itself is negative thinking -- Red flag = negative. Right now this should not be a red flag. This is actually something that will tell you a ton about where things are going for you with him -- if he is making time for you even if he's busy It's doesn't become a red flag until he's not fitting you in.

 

Take the road less traveled -- it's more interesting and you don't know if it ends . . .

[katiegrl]

This is close to the top of the list of thoughts that are driving me insane. Does a high level of attraction = run away as fast as I can? If that's the case, then I just need to stick with the guys with whom I feel no spark or chemistry, which is a really depressing thought. "I don't like you - we'd be great together!"

 

I will admit that my track record is horrible when it comes to being able to recognize when someone is bad for me. But like you, I'm a naturally anxious person. I also tend to let that anxiety turn into negative thought patterns as the above poster pointed out. Those two things combined, according to my close friends, ends up turning into self-sabotage. Even if the guy does have a few red flags, I also played a role in causing the relationship to come to an end.

 

With this guy, I aim to change that. You guys have empowered me to change that, and I believe that I can. He's not giving off any red flags (that I've picked up on anyway), besides the one about being a pretty busy dude. I feel like I'm at a crossroads where I can either take the same path I've taken in past relationship or I can choose a different way. I'm making the decision to choose a different path this time.

 

 

LL.... worse case scenario, it doesn't work out.

 

 

Will you die? NO.

 

 

Will you lose your friends, family, job, career, house, your self-worth? NO.

 

 

To the contrary, you GAIN. You gain valuable knowledge and life lessons to bring to your next RL.... plus you gain CONFIDENCE in knowing that even though a RL doesn't work out the way you wish.... LIFE GOES ON AND YOU WILL SURVIVE. You are survivor.

 

I am not by any means suggesting this RL is not going to work out. Only that IF it doesn't, it's not the end of the world! Live goes on and the ending of one RL...actually gives you an opportunity to meet the RIGHT man for you.... after hopefully learning something about yourself, relationships and the world in general and becoming STRONGER as a result.

 

 

IMO, you are giving men (not just THIS MAN) too much damn power in your life! Please stop doing that.

 

 

You own your own power.... please remember that!!

 

 

You are a survivor. If you can stop giving this man, or men in general all this power.... you will find yourself so much more relaxed and less anxious in your relationships. And when you feel more relaxed and less anxious, the most likely result is that the RL you want WILL work out for you.

 

Your entire vibe/energy will be different...and men will sense that and be drawn to that!

 

 

Trust me on that one....again BTDT.

Edited September 29, 2015 by katiegrl

[Jejangles]

LL.... worse case scenario, it doesn't work out.

 

 

Will you die? NO.

 

 

Will you lose your friends, family, job, career, house, your self-worth? NO.

 

 

To the contrary, you GAIN. You gain valuable knowledge and life lessons to bring to your next RL.... plus you gain CONFIDENCE in knowing that even though a RL doesn't work out the way you wish.... LIFE GOES ON AND YOU WILL SURVIVE. You are survivor.

 

I am not by any means suggesting this RL is not going to work out. Only that IF it doesn't, it's not the end of the world! Live goes on and the ending of one RL...actually gives you an opportunity to meet the RIGHT man for you.... after hopefully learning something about yourself, relationships and the world in general and becoming STRONGER as a result.

 

 

IMO, you are giving men (not just THIS MAN) too much damn power in your life! Please stop doing that.

 

 

You own your own power.... please remember that!!

 

 

You are a survivor. If you can stop giving this man, or men in general all this power.... you will find yourself so much more relaxed and less anxious in your relationships. And when you feel more relaxed and less anxious, the most likely result is that the RL you want WILL work out for you.

 

Your entire vibe/energy will be different...and men will sense that and be drawn to that!

 

 

Trust me on that one....again BTDT.

 

I love all of this. When I get highly anxious around dating as well, I do a lot of positive self talk and remind myself I have a great life and I didn't even know this person until recently! If it doesn't work out, I go back to my great life and I learn something. And if it does, yay, now I have another great person in my great life.

 

Anxiety is such a spiral and so exhausting. Lovelorn00 have you been seeing a cognitive behavioural therapist? My friend has been having some anxious thoughts and was referred to one. I minored in psychology in university and while that makes me far from an expert, I really have faith in CBT because it helps you reprogram your thoughts / brain and hopefully not spiral into these overly anxious places.