I'm Scared That I'm Going To Screw This Up

[Lovelorn00]

he seems to be aware of your insecurities and is working with you to overcome them...trust him.....but more so trust yourself.....and work on you too..not only just with him....with the ideas suggested previously in this thread try them out...see if they help you..taramaiden suggested talk to him ...and i think it would help you to define where you stand together also....i think you have a really good chance here...stay positive and in the moment....as far as negative posts go...take only what is useful and progressive for you with advice....dont take on negativity unless you consider it constructive to you...deb

 

Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. I do feel like I have a chance here, and it makes me feel better to hear things like that. Yesterday was kind of difficult, because I wasn't as busy as I usually am, but I read a book, watched TV, ran errands, and managed to keep myself from going completely insane by thinking about him every second.

[Lovelorn00]

Have you also been taught that a woman shouldn't go out to work, but should find a man to support her, who gives her housekeeping money, to buy groceries, to cook, clean, do the laundry, and embrace her place in the home?

 

That it's the man who deals with the finances, bills and practical jobs, from putting the trash out to mowing the lawn, and it's the woman's job to dust, vacuum-clean,and bring him his pipe and slippers?

 

I strongly suspect not. Or even if you were, I don't expect you'd agree with it all...

 

Those are long-gone stereotypical roles which no longer apply, due to emancipation and socially-conscious 'enlightenment' and progress....

 

So our notion that it's the man who is supposed to initiate, is also erroneous.

There is no 'magical' day. You wait for that 'magical' day, and you may as well confess to believing in fairies, Unicorns and Santa Claus.

 

(I'm in big trouble if you do...! )

 

I think you should find a way to tentatively bring it up. Not drop hints, or hope he will mention it. But actually say that you feel strongly that you'd like to consider being an exclusive partner to him,and him to you, and wonder what his views are on commitment...?

 

You can do this.

You're a grown-up, and if you're responsible enough to handle your own budget, buy your own clothes and plan your own meals, then you can rest assured you are totally entitled and in a food position to do this, too.

 

Haha! Well, I probably should start this reply with this important piece of info: I live in the South, and I’ve lived here my entire life. So, in a way, yes – I have been taught that men and women have specific roles in relationships. Not really by my parents, but by looking at the successful relationships around me. However, like I said, I live in the South, so most of those successful relationships that I’ve seen do indeed follow the gender roles you’ve mentioned. I don’t personally believe in them, but it makes me wonder if there’s something to it. All of the dating “rules” that the folks on this forum (myself included) like to quote also come from these ideas about gender roles (never text a man first, let him initiate dates, etc.). Again, it makes me wonder if there’s something to it.

 

I think the problem is that I have no idea what works, and I can’t seem to trust my gut, because my gut has kept me single all this time. So, I turn to these rules to guide me. That being said, the exclusivity thing usually comes up when sex is on the line. He and I have not slept together yet. I don’t sleep with someone unless I’m in a committed, monogamous relationship with them, and that’s one thing I’ve never been afraid to express to someone. So, maybe that’s how it’ll come up. I just know that I probably won’t be the one to bring it up any other way.

[Lovelorn00]

It's great you're open and he is understanding, just try not to focus on those things too much (not that you are) ... ..otherwise he may begin to feel like your therapist and not your boyfriend, which isn't good. It's been known to happen. That's all I meant.

 

You are smart to wait until you are exclusive to have sex! I guess just wait til he initiates sex, and then tell him how you feel about no sex without exclusivity.

 

If he feels same as you, he will or should reassure you that is what he wants to ....and then just take it from there.

 

How long have you been dating? How often do you see each other?

 

Thanks, katiegrl! Yes, that's my current plan. I just hope that he’s the kind of guy who will understand and stick around. Fingers crossed! And, if he isn’t, well… I guess that’s just the way the cookie crumbles, and it’d be for the best anyway.

We’ve been seeing each other for about 2 months. 1-2 times per week.

[Lovelorn00]

LL .... will you be seeing him tonight? It's Saturday night.....

 

Just trying to get a sense of what this relationship is about......and if your anxiety is actually your gut telling you something isn't quite right...

 

I hope not! But can you tell us how often you see each other, etc? Like I asked earlier?

 

No, I didn’t see him at all this weekend, as he was out of town, and I had plans anyway. He did, however, stay in constant contact with me the entire weekend and expressed a desire to get together this week.

And you’re right – the whole reason I started this thread was because I can’t tell if all this anxiety is my “red flag” alarm going off or if I’m just being ridiculous. Past experience has shown me that when I start to become anxious like this, it’s usually for no reason. There have been times, however, that my anxiety was indeed an indicator that something wasn’t right, but that’s not usually the case.

[Lovelorn00]

Lovelorn how are you feeling today?

 

Have you, will you be seeing him this weekend? How'd it go?

 

You disappeared on us, hope you're okay!

 

Awww thanks for checking in! I really appreciate that! Sorry for the lag - I had to work yesterday and run a bunch of errands. When I got home, I kinda just crashed, but it was very difficult to get him off of my mind. I called a friend, watched a movie, read a little bit of a book. It was enough to keep me distracted until bed time.

 

I heard from him first thing this morning, so my anxiety is at a low point right now. But that reminds me that I need to grab some rubber bands from work to wear around my wrist at all times. Whenever I feel myself sliding down that hole, I'll literally "snap" myself out of it.

[TaraMaiden2]

.... that reminds me that I need to grab some rubber bands from work to wear around my wrist at all times. Whenever I feel myself sliding down that hole, I'll literally "snap" myself out of it.

 

Asking a good friend to use a cattle-prod works, too....

 

Or at the very worst, a taser....

 

[kpl]

Has the relationship felt like it's progressing at all? Are you seeing each other the same amount of time you have been since the beg of the 2 months?

 

Are you still dating other ppl?

[losangelena]

I can relate to the racing thoughts and general anxiety and feeling like I'm going to do something to mess things up, though when I HAVE thought about someone obsessively, there was usually something funky going on.

 

That said, I would do whatever I could to try and get those thoughts under control. You can't distract yourself forever, and eventually, if you progress far enough in the relationship, you might find that your obsessive thoughts of the person, or the notion that they're "so perfect" (though admittedly, this guy sounds pretty awesome) will cause you to compromise yourself in ways you're not comfortable because you want to keep them in your life. Girl, I have been there and done that and it is a really sucky feeling.

 

SSRIs are good for this kind of thing. One of my roommates takes them and she does very well and they make a MARKED difference to her peace of mind. If you don't want to go the med route, I would try doing some kind of meditation for 20 minute twice a day. When I had health anxiety and panic attacks, that really helped bring my stress hormones down and calm my body (but this is not an automatic, one-and-done thing; once your stress hormones are elevated, they take a long time to come back down, so you should not expect quick relief).

 

Another things that's always helped me is just this notion of "what would this person think if they knew I could not get them off my mind?" I mean, ideally, in a healthy relationship, you think about the person throughout the day, but it's a pleasant thought or memory, but then it's fleeting and can concentrate of the things in front of you and get on with your day. That's the kind of relationship I try and aspire to.

[Lovelorn00]

Has the relationship felt like it's progressing at all? Are you seeing each other the same amount of time you have been since the beg of the 2 months?

 

Are you still dating other ppl?

 

Yes, yes, and yes!! Because we’ve been taking things rather slowly, I definitely do feel like it’s progressing. I’m just really hoping my anxiety/impatience doesn’t ruin what we’ve got going, ya know?

Also, yes – his behavior and the frequency at which we’ve seen each other hasn’t changed. It’s been pretty consistent. If anything, he actually asks me out more nowadays.

I don’t know about him (I’m afraid to ask), but I am still dating other people. Before I met him, I was casually dating another guy, but I think he’s quickly catching on to the fact that I’m losing interest. So, soon, I will only be dating this one guy, but I’m not against meeting other people. Not until we have the exclusivity talk. I’m assuming he’s doing the same.

[katiegrl]

Yes, yes, and yes!! Because we’ve been taking things rather slowly, I definitely do feel like it’s progressing. I’m just really hoping my anxiety/impatience doesn’t ruin what we’ve got going, ya know?

Also, yes – his behavior and the frequency at which we’ve seen each other hasn’t changed. It’s been pretty consistent. If anything, he actually asks me out more nowadays.

I don’t know about him (I’m afraid to ask), but I am still dating other people. Before I met him, I was casually dating another guy, but I think he’s quickly catching on to the fact that I’m losing interest. So, soon, I will only be dating this one guy, but I’m not against meeting other people. Not until we have the exclusivity talk. I’m assuming he’s doing the same.

 

Lovelorn, after my dad died last year, I suffered from severe anxiety - my doctor described my anxiety as being caused by "fear of impending doom."

 

 

My fears ran from thinking my life was about to end, that my boyfriend of four years (at that time) was going to break up with me, I was about to get fired, I would lose my condo and be homeless, my friends would all abandon me.... and on and on it went.

 

 

It appears your fear lies in the fact you believe (subconsciously or even consciously) that your "boyfriend" (for lack of a better word) is going to dump you and/or something equally bad is going to happen to cause your RL to end.

 

 

Even though it all looks incredibly positive from our end .... you still have this fear.

 

 

It this correct? If so, hon seriously get on some SSRI's like losangelina suggested. You can't live like that.... you will end up breaking down...trust me on that!

 

 

They helped ME tremendously. It takes awhile to get used to them - around six weeks.

 

 

But seriously this type of anxiety is very real (not just in your head).

 

 

Fear of impending doom.

 

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

Edited September 28, 2015 by katiegrl

[Lovelorn00]

I can relate to the racing thoughts and general anxiety and feeling like I'm going to do something to mess things up, though when I HAVE thought about someone obsessively, there was usually something funky going on.

 

And that alone is a horrifying thought. What if this guy is actually a butthole and isn’t good for me at all? What if the reason my anxiety is so elevated around him is because I’m picking up subtle cues from him that are triggering it? What if I’m doomed to just keep repeating the same cycle of dating buttholes, because I’m naturally attracted to the dude who makes my anxiety skyrocket? This guy is showing all the qualities of a secure individual, but what if I’m just glorifying his good qualities in my head and discounting his bad ones? Ugh. It just makes me want to give up.

 

I’m definitely going to look into meds as an option, though I really don’t want to. Nothing else seems to be working. I’ve had Buspar recommended to me, because it isn’t addictive and most folks don’t build a tolerance to it like Xanax. The down side is that it takes a few weeks for it to actually start working (if it works at all).

 

I used to attend hot yoga classes, which helps TREMENDOUSLY. It’s hard to obsess over a dude when you’re twisting around in a room that’s at least 100 degrees. However, that got to be too expensive, and when I stopped, I also stopped meditating. I really need to get into the habit of doing that again.

 

This is going to require a lot of work and dedication on my part. It’s a behavioral change, and like you mentioned, that doesn't tend to happen over night. I feel like I have an opportunity to make a positive change in my dating life, if I can just stop letting fear and anxiety get the best of me.

[Jejangles]

And that alone is a horrifying thought. What if this guy is actually a butthole and isn’t good for me at all? What if the reason my anxiety is so elevated around him is because I’m picking up subtle cues from him that are triggering it? What if I’m doomed to just keep repeating the same cycle of dating buttholes, because I’m naturally attracted to the dude who makes my anxiety skyrocket? This guy is showing all the qualities of a secure individual, but what if I’m just glorifying his good qualities in my head and discounting his bad ones? Ugh. It just makes me want to give up.

 

Hmm, it can be hard to separate whether your anxiety is ramping up because he's giving you reason to be anxious or if it's because you have a bad pattern and an anxiety issue.

 

For me, every time I have started to feel nervous about a guy, it's because he is giving me reason to (he's only interested in casual dating, he's a player, whatever). I dated a clearly secure person in the summer and he never once gave me reason to feel anxious, because he was consistent in his communication and never left me hanging. In the end fundamental differences meant it didn't work, but it shed a light on how it feels to date someone who is clear about his intentions.

 

So maybe step back and assess this guy's actions to see if he is giving you cause to feel this way. Is he staying in regular touch, making it clear he wants to see you again and setting up the next date soon after the last? Is he ramping things up (texts to phone calls, seeing each other with more frequency)? Does he remember things you've told him from date to date? Does he follow up and ask questions about activities you're taking part in?

 

I think a lot of the time the actions between the date give you more information than the actual time you spend together, at least in my experience. If you can get a clear read on whether its his actions or your mind, you may be able to get better hold of your feelings.

[Lovelorn00]

Lovelorn, after my dad died last year, I suffered from severe anxiety - my doctor described my anxiety as being caused by "fear of impending doom."

 

My fears ran from thinking my life was about to end, that my boyfriend of four years (at that time) was going to break up with me, I was about to get fired, I would lose my condo and be homeless, my friends would all abandon me.... and on and on it went.

 

It appears your fear lies in the fact you believe (subconsciously or even consciously) that your "boyfriend" (for lack of a better word) is going to dump you and/or something equally bad is going to happen to cause your RL to end.

 

Even though it all looks incredibly positive from our end .... you still have this fear.

 

It this correct? If so, hon seriously get on some SSRI's like losangelina suggested. You can't live like that.... you will end up breaking down...trust me on that!

 

They helped ME tremendously. It takes awhile to get used to them - around six weeks.

 

But seriously this type of anxiety is very real (not just in your head).

 

Fear of impending doom.

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

 

I’m so sorry to hear that, Katiegrl. You and I are very similar – I think about all of those things quite often. Even when things are going well on the surface, I’m horrified that something will happen to ruin the happiness that I’ve found. In the end, it ends up ruining the happiness that I’ve found anyway, so the fear wins.

 

Right now, in my life, I am incredibly blessed. I have a really cool job, I live in the downtown area of a cool, trendy city. I drive a new car. I’m in good health. My family is healthy. My looks are holding up, and I’m dating a great guy.

 

Yet, every single day, I wake up cripped by the what-ifs. What if I lose him? What if I lose my job? What if I lose a finger? Or what if my leg suddenly fell off? I worry about all of the same things you listed above, and it’s so depressing. Why can’t my brain just let me be happy??

 

I will say that one step I’ve taken that I haven’t mentioned before is volunteering. I used to do it quite often, but the program I was in ended, so I haven’t been active at all lately. I used to volunteer in a long-term care hospital with people who had chronic illnesses. People who were deteriorating and had very little family to help. There’s something about being in those situations that helps me to realize how fortunate I am. And to see the smiles on some of the patients’ faces shows me that the human soul can still triumph despite horrible circumstances.

 

I reached out to the volunteer coordinator yesterday to see if there were any upcoming opportunities, so we’ll see. As selfish as it sounds, it really does help to give back.

[katiegrl]

I’m so sorry to hear that, Katiegrl. You and I are very similar – I think about all of those things quite often. Even when things are going well on the surface, I’m horrified that something will happen to ruin the happiness that I’ve found. In the end, it ends up ruining the happiness that I’ve found anyway, so the fear wins.

 

Right now, in my life, I am incredibly blessed. I have a really cool job, I live in the downtown area of a cool, trendy city. I drive a new car. I’m in good health. My family is healthy. My looks are holding up, and I’m dating a great guy.

 

Yet, every single day, I wake up cripped by the what-ifs. What if I lose him? What if I lose my job? What if I lose a finger? Or what if my leg suddenly fell off? I worry about all of the same things you listed above, and it’s so depressing. Why can’t my brain just let me be happy??

 

I will say that one step I’ve taken that I haven’t mentioned before is volunteering. I used to do it quite often, but the program I was in ended, so I haven’t been active at all lately. I used to volunteer in a long-term care hospital with people who had chronic illnesses. People who were deteriorating and had very little family to help. There’s something about being in those situations that helps me to realize how fortunate I am. And to see the smiles on some of the patients’ faces shows me that the human soul can still triumph despite horrible circumstances.

 

I reached out to the volunteer coordinator yesterday to see if there were any upcoming opportunities, so we’ll see. As selfish as it sounds, it really does help to give back.

 

You and I must be kindred spirits....because I too am a strong advocate of volunteering -- and YES it DOES help tremendously.

 

 

Many people don't realize that by helping others, you are not only helping THEM, but helping YOURSELF as well.

 

 

I am glad you looked into that, and I am sure there are opportunities out there for you.

 

 

For me, I combined volunteering, running, yoga and pilates with my SSRI's (I took Paxil (which is classified as an anti-depressant but it also works for severe anxiety) for around a year - off it now)...

 

 

Again, took around six weeks for my brain and body to adjust - no horrible side effects though.

 

 

Everyone is different though.

 

 

My anxiety was due to dad passing, but you may suffer from chronic anxiety.

 

 

I would look into it, seriously.

 

 

Like I said, with all the fears you described above, how long can you go on like that without having some sort of breakdown?

 

 

Thank you for your condolences....

 

 

Feel better ((hugs))

[Lovelorn00]

 

So maybe step back and assess this guy's actions to see if he is giving you cause to feel this way. Is he staying in regular touch, making it clear he wants to see you again and setting up the next date soon after the last? Is he ramping things up (texts to phone calls, seeing each other with more frequency)? Does he remember things you've told him from date to date? Does he follow up and ask questions about activities you're taking part in?

 

I think a lot of the time the actions between the date give you more information than the actual time you spend together, at least in my experience. If you can get a clear read on whether its his actions or your mind, you may be able to get better hold of your feelings.

 

Yes to all of the above. He’s doing everything right. He contacts me every day and doesn’t just text – he calls as well. He informs me of his activities when we’re not together, even though I never ask. He always sets up another date or at least asks about when we can see each other again soon after the last date. He’s very inquisitive and asks a lot of questions about my life, my upbringing, my goals, aspirations. And yes, he remembers all of it, and brings it up in later conversations.

 

The only downside is that we haven’t exactly INCREASED the frequency that we see each other. Since the beginning, it’s been 1-2 times per week, but we are both incredibly busy people. He, however, is much busier than I am, and this was something that worried me when we started dating.

 

Not only is his job demanding, but he’s also heavily involved in various social groups outside of work. He also has expressed a love for traveling, and he has been out of town quite a few weekends since we started seeing each other. He strikes me as the type who likes to move around a lot. We both grew up in the city where we live now, but he’s moved around a lot in the past, and he’s expressed a desire to continue doing that.

 

This is one major red flag that I’ve picked up on, because it indicates to me that perhaps he doesn’t have time for a serious girlfriend. But it does seem like that’s what he wants, and I am fairly impressed by his ability to see me as often as he does each week. It means he’s making an effort.

 

Ugh. I’m now realizing where some of this anxiety is coming from. We’ve never talked about what we’re looking for in terms of a relationship, though I’ve made the assumption that he’s also looking for a long-term thing, based on comments he’s made before. Perhaps that is where some of this uncertainty is coming from?

[Lovelorn00]

For me, I combined volunteering, running, yoga and pilates with my SSRI's (I took Paxil (which is classified as an anti-depressant but it also works for severe anxiety) for around a year - off it now)...

 

This is very encouraging. I am really on the fence about taking medication, because a lot my friends who have taken them say they don’t work. Or they feel strange when they start them.

The only medication I’ve ever taken was Lexapro, and it did nothing for me other than give me headaches and cause me to grind my teeth uncontrollably at night.

That experience turned me off to taking meds, but I do realize that was just ONE medication, and that there are indeed others I could try. I just wasn’t sure if I had the energy to go through the whole “trial and error” process.

Wait - I take that back - I have taken Xanax before, and it made me feel like I was operating at a normal level and not the "fight or flight" level. And it happened quickly. I guess that's why I'm so eager to try it out again. I know it would work, but at what expense?

That fact that other meds have worked for you, though, is very encouraging. I’ll have a chat with my doctor to explore my options.

[kpl]

I think you hit the nail on the head. I think anxiety can be a thing that isn't controllable OR triggered by your subconscious. The uncertainty might be an issue for you. Just ask him about what he's looking for, it may put your mind to rest.

[katiegrl]

This is very encouraging. I am really on the fence about taking medication, because a lot my friends who have taken them say they don’t work. Or they feel strange when they start them.

The only medication I’ve ever taken was Lexapro, and it did nothing for me other than give me headaches and cause me to grind my teeth uncontrollably at night.

That experience turned me off to taking meds, but I do realize that was just ONE medication, and that there are indeed others I could try. I just wasn’t sure if I had the energy to go through the whole “trial and error” process.

Wait - I take that back - I have taken Xanax before, and it made me feel like I was operating at a normal level and not the "fight or flight" level. And it happened quickly. I guess that's why I'm so eager to try it out again. I know it would work, but at what expense?

That fact that other meds have worked for you, though, is very encouraging. I’ll have a chat with my doctor to explore my options.

 

LL - I was on several until my doctor and I found the right one that worked for ME (Paxil, which is one of the only ones that treats both depression AND anxiety). With an emphasis on anxiety.

 

 

Lexapro did not work - I was on one other (can't remember name) - did not work for me either. Made me nauseous and I could not stand that.

 

 

And yeah you do feel a bit weird at first...but after a few weeks (again with me it took around six weeks) you would NOT believe the difference.

 

 

I believe it saved my life - and I mean that quite literally....

[katiegrl]

I think you hit the nail on the head. I think anxiety can be a thing that isn't controllable OR triggered by your subconscious. The uncertainty might be an issue for you. Just ask him about what he's looking for, it may put your mind to rest.

 

Talking to boyfriend to find out status is great (and hopefully reassuring).... but what about ALL the many other things Lovelorn said she worries about on a daily basis?

 

 

It can be debilitating! BTDT.

Edited September 28, 2015 by katiegrl

[losangelena]

This is very encouraging. I am really on the fence about taking medication, because a lot my friends who have taken them say they don’t work. Or they feel strange when they start them.

The only medication I’ve ever taken was Lexapro, and it did nothing for me other than give me headaches and cause me to grind my teeth uncontrollably at night.

That experience turned me off to taking meds, but I do realize that was just ONE medication, and that there are indeed others I could try. I just wasn’t sure if I had the energy to go through the whole “trial and error” process.

Wait - I take that back - I have taken Xanax before, and it made me feel like I was operating at a normal level and not the "fight or flight" level. And it happened quickly. I guess that's why I'm so eager to try it out again. I know it would work, but at what expense?

That fact that other meds have worked for you, though, is very encouraging. I’ll have a chat with my doctor to explore my options.

 

I was on Xanax for 8 months and came off of it just fine. If you need it, you need it. Your body cannot sustain itself in flight or fight mode forever; sometimes you need to get those stress hormones to simmer.

 

I know there are a ton of horror stories about getting off of it on the internet, but most people do not have problems, especially at low doses.

 

As far as SSRIs, they are good when needed, but are not a cure-all, I don't think. I almost started taking Paxil a few years ago, but never did. The best advice I ever heard about taking an anti-d is that being on it gives you a chance to calm down, work through your issues on a deeper level (with a therapist, for instance), and then you can get off of them. I found that to be a very encouraging thought when debating whether or not to take them, because I didn't have this thought that I'd be on them forever.

 

Anyway, I'm a big advocate for both of those things, and if you want to explore them further, you should. They exist for a reason, and if taking them for a time can help to improve your life, then great. I mean, why go through life so worried all the time? It's not necessary.

 

That again being said, I do wonder if there is something about this relationship that's causing driving your already high anxiety through the roof. I'm a naturally anxious person, so when I got anxious in my last relationship, I thought it was just me, but really there were some underlying issues IN the relationship that were driving it as well. It's something to consider at least.

[kpl]

I can't advocate for medication without knowing entire history and doing a complete psych eval and neither would a psychiatrist. I think hearing information about meds is great and feedback is helpful but the only thing I would suggest for other constant worrying is seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist and working with them, many of these things could be helped through anxiety management that may or may not be medication.

 

For the guy, I think I'm coming from experiences I have had and may be projecting a bit. I also have had anxiety my entire life but i know that any time i have had constant worrying about a guy its been b/c of red flags i missed and i thought of it has love/spark/chemistry and it was just an uneasy feeling. An easy fix to quell the worrying to me is to just to tell him what you want and ask him what he is looking for, especially since you guys are mature adults, its the kind of communication you would need to establish and build on anyway. 2 months - enough time has gone by. Then some of the questions might stop bc you guys have covered them.

[katiegrl]

I can't advocate for medication without knowing entire history and doing a complete psych eval and neither would a psychiatrist. I think hearing information about meds is great and feedback is helpful but the only thing I would suggest for other constant worrying is seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist and working with them, many of these things could be helped through anxiety management that may or may not be medication.

 

For the guy, I think I'm coming from experiences I have had and may be projecting a bit. I also have had anxiety my entire life but i know that any time i have had constant worrying about a guy its been b/c of red flags i missed and i thought of it has love/spark/chemistry and it was just an uneasy feeling. An easy fix to quell the worrying to me is to just to tell him what you want and ask him what he is looking for, especially since you guys are mature adults, its the kind of communication you would need to establish and build on anyway. 2 months - enough time has gone by. Then some of the questions might stop bc you guys have covered them.

 

 

Bolded -- I agree however in my experience all my doctor did was ask me what I have been experiencing - what I've been feeling - and I gave him a list of all my fears, how they've been affecting my life and ability to function like a normal person, etc, and right away he knew it was anxiety (due to fear of impending doom).

 

 

Lovelorn explained earlier ALL her fears as well (similar to what mine were) so I think it's a fair assumption to say she suffers from severe anxiety and would benefit greatly from meds, but you are right, she really needs to see a psychiatrist to know for sure.

Edited September 29, 2015 by katiegrl

[kpl]

Bolded -- I agree however in my experience all my doctor did was ask me what I have been experiencing - what I've been feeling - and I gave him a list of all my fears, how they've been affecting my life and ability to function like a normal person, etc, and right away he knew it was anxiety (due to fear of impending doom).

 

 

Lovelorn explained earlier ALL her fears as well (similar to what mine were) so I think it's a fair assumption to say she suffers from severe anxiety and would benefit greatly from meds, but you are right, she really needs to see a psychiatrist to know for sure.

 

I love how open ppl are when talking about anxiety and meds in general it gives ppl a great idea of what to expect. And yes psychiatrist are in the business of administering meds and their evals are typically just assessment tools, which is why i mentioned a psychologist. It can help but many things help too. I am also a social worker so I'm all about therapy! :-)

[losangelena]

I like to think that therapy and meds work best hand-in-hand. I fully advocate both, but agree—only a doctor can tell you if you need it!

[losangelena]

For the guy, I think I'm coming from experiences I have had and may be projecting a bit. I also have had anxiety my entire life but i know that any time i have had constant worrying about a guy its been b/c of red flags i missed and i thought of it has love/spark/chemistry and it was just an uneasy feeling. An easy fix to quell the worrying to me is to just to tell him what you want and ask him what he is looking for, especially since you guys are mature adults, its the kind of communication you would need to establish and build on anyway. 2 months - enough time has gone by. Then some of the questions might stop bc you guys have covered them.

 

Yep, yep! I totally agree!

 

My therapist suggested, in my last relationship, that I be more assertive with my needs/wants, but I would always drag my feet, and then my ex would do or say something that would temporarily assuage my worries until the whole thing started again. I would not recommend anyone do it that way, though.

 

My fear for OP is that because she's built this man up in such a way, she's somewhat afraid to assert herself or seek reassurance, because if she does, what if it drives him away? So she stays quiet, but the anxiety just builds and builds.

 

In my experience, there is a medication powerful enough, or a therapist persuasive enough to break through that. It will take OP actually doing it, and letting the chips fall where they may. If that means he leaves, then he leaves. Better to be with someone who can handle your needs and wants, than to suffer in silence, waiting for crumbs of reassurance.