Lovelorn00 Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 I don't think I've ever posted so much on one dude. This guy... he's just everything I've ever wanted in a man. He's a successful lawyer, extremely handsome, very muscular, loves the outdoors, stellar sense of humor, amazing imagination, adventurous, romantic, sweet, understanding, reassuring, involved in the community, very close to his family, wants one of his own, shares many of my interests, initiates daily communication, initiates dates, opens doors, takes out my trash without even asking. Whenever we go on dates, we laugh so hard our abs and cheeks hurt and we geek out over all of the nerdy things we're both into. I really just can't find anything wrong with this guy. It's like my prayers have been answered. When he kisses me, I get weak. Like, my knees literally feel like they've turned to Jello. I'm lucky that he was holding me so tightly when we shared our first kiss, or else I would've collapsed to the ground. Just a small kiss from him takes my breath away and leaves me wanting more. . I've had unhealthy obsessions with the men that I've dated before, but not like this. I think about him 24/7. He seems to be really into me, but I think part of the reason is because I've had to work HARD at squashing my unhealthy dating habits. I don't make him my #1 priority (even though I want to). I date others (even though I DON'T want to), and I let him lead the pace. Through a lot of hard work, I've been able to change my vibe from needy and desperate to one of a confident, secure woman who has a full, busy, happy life and who doesn't NEED a man, but simply would like to have a partner in crime. With him, I think it worked beautifully. The problem is, the more I get to know this guy, the more I like him. My unhealthy ways are starting to show again. I obsess over him. I wonder if he feels the same way. I wonder if he's thinking about me. I wonder if he thinks I'm good enough. I wonder if he's dating others. I wonder and wonder and wonder and obsess and drive myself insane. I've gotten far enough in my journey that I know where these feelings are coming from. I know why they're there, and I've been given good tools to try to stop them. But all of that is quickly flying out the window with this man. I'm so SO afraid that he's going to pick up on this and run. This is probably the best prospect I've ever had, and I'm terrified I'm going to lose him. You can only hide crazy for so long, right? I don't know what to do to keep these crazy feelings at bay. I go out, keep myself busy, go on dates with others, read books, volunteer, work, etc. But while I'm doing all of these things, I think of him. Does anyone have any tips for softening the blow of falling in love? Because I'm falling HARD, and it's terrifying.
ThugLifing Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 Why do you think you have these obsessions? Have you been to a therapist? Maybe make an appointment with one. You have to chill out. Don't overanalyze and expect too much, just slow down. You're putting him on a pedestal. Enjoy it, but go about your normal life. You're right, this will scare him off big time.
todreaminblue Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 try to stay in the moment.....if he and you are dating others .....how serious is it?....for all his wonderful qualities....dont put him on a pedestal....he is simply a man...a good one...but a man none the less......he is not god...how long have you guys been dating for? as far as obsessive thoughts go when you feel them coming on....do something else..break your chain of thought..or you could wear a rubber band a thick one around your wrist and snap it every time you feel those invasive thoughts becoming consuming......this is highly effective...and a strategy used for compulsive thought falling in love is healthy actually even though it often is the scariest thing out...obsession is unhealthy and finding that balance between the early stages of falling and obsession, is something of an artform.......good luck...i wish you well..........deb 2
Author Lovelorn00 Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 Why do you think you have these obsessions? Have you been to a therapist? Maybe make an appointment with one. You have to chill out. Don't overanalyze and expect too much, just slow down. You're putting him on a pedestal. Enjoy it, but go about your normal life. You're right, this will scare him off big time. It's because I don't believe I could do any better than him. I've built him up to be the perfect man in my head. I have an anxious attachment style, so I'm fully aware of the issue, but the tools that I've been given to help with it are starting not to work. That's why I'm so scared. These feelings are going to start to show in my behavior towards him, and he's going to be so turned off. Ugh. Maybe I just need a prescription for Xanax or something? I don't know how to calm down. 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 Have the *exclusive* talk with him,and quit dating others. Sooner or later, this may well become the relationship of your dreams. But you need to take the leap, and talk about commitment. It IS a leap, but sometimes, one is needed. Nobody ever leapt over a ditch in 2 small steps. 3
Author Lovelorn00 Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 try to stay in the moment.....if he and you are dating others .....how serious is it?....for all his wonderful qualities....dont put him on a pedestal....he is simply a man...a good one...but a man none the less......he is not god...how long have you guys been dating for? as far as obsessive thoughts go when you feel them coming on....do something else..break your chain of thought..or you could wear a rubber band a thick one around your wrist and snap it every time you feel those invasive thoughts becoming consuming......this is highly effective...and a strategy used for compulsive thought Oh, this is great! I never thought about a physical mechanism for calming down the anxiety. I'll definitely try the rubber band idea. And you're right. The "staying in the moment" idea reminds me of meditation, which I used to do but have fallen out of habit. I really need to pick it back up, because that would probably help me to stay in the moment. 1
Author Lovelorn00 Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 Have the *exclusive* talk with him,and quit dating others. Sooner or later, this may well become the relationship of your dreams. But you need to take the leap, and talk about commitment. It IS a leap, but sometimes, one is needed. Nobody ever leapt over a ditch in 2 small steps. The other people I'm seeing are just there to keep me distracted. It's the whole "don't put your eggs in one basket" thing. It's just that, emotionally, I messed up and put all my eggs in his basket anyway. We've been dating for close to two months now. We met online, but we've since both deactivated our profiles, which is a good sign. Having the exclusivity talk is the most terrifying thing to me right now. I'm trying to think of ways to subtly bring it up without running him off. I don't want to be the one to suggest it, because I've always been taught that the man should come to that conclusion on his own. But I'm trying to think of ways that it could causally come up in conversation. So that he'll think about it and make a move.
Author Lovelorn00 Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 Why do you think you have these obsessions? Have you been to a therapist? Sorry, I meant to add that yes, I have been to a therapist. I've been seeing someone weekly for a couple of years now for this very reason. He tells me to stop treating the men I date like it's my last opportunity at finding love, which is the problem. I always think it's my last chance. It definitely stems from the fact that my father left when I was 3. I'm so anxious and afraid that something good will just vanish out of my life without warning that it causes the worst anxiety. 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 He will pick up on your insecurity, neediness and your excessive attachment which will end up driving him away. It's a giving time bomb so just enjoy it while it lasts. Oh, spreading your habitual positive light and love again.... Yeah, right. If someone has a parade, you're determined to rain on it.... Lovelorn00, take the good advice you've been given...breathe, meditate use the elastic band, and take pride in yourself. The fact you swoon in his arms when he kisses you, will tell him all he needs to know, anyway! 2
Author Lovelorn00 Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 He will pick up on your insecurity, neediness and your excessive attachment which will end up driving him away. It's a giving time bomb so just enjoy it while it lasts. Well... that's what I'm afraid of.
katiegrl Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 (edited) Sorry, I meant to add that yes, I have been to a therapist. I've been seeing someone weekly for a couple of years now for this very reason. He tells me to stop treating the men I date like it's my last opportunity at finding love, which is the problem. I always think it's my last chance. It definitely stems from the fact that my father left when I was 3. I'm so anxious and afraid that something good will just vanish out of my life without warning that it causes the worst anxiety. With your severe anxiety, racing and obsessive thoughts, and maybe even PTSD (due to your dad leaving when you were 3), I am surprised your therapist did not refer you to a medical doctor (a psychiatrist) to prescribe some meds. It sounds debilitating! You also have abandonment issues. IMO these issues are serious enough to warrant a trip to medical doctor for a complete work-up and diagnosis. You can't live like this, it will destroy you and, in time, any relationship you wish to develop... BTDT, but I sought help and my bf and I are now engaged ....good luck! Edited September 26, 2015 by katiegrl 2
Author Lovelorn00 Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 Oh, spreading your habitual positive light and love again.... Yeah, right. If someone has a parade, you're determined to rain on it.... Lovelorn00, take the good advice you've been given...breathe, meditate use the elastic band, and take pride in yourself. The fact you swoon in his arms when he kisses you, will tell him all he needs to know, anyway! Thanks, TaraMaiden2! I appreciate your positive words. Even though the previous poster might be right, I'm hoping that's not the case with this dude. A lot of the guys I've dated, yes. They would definitely run. This guy is different, though. Or at least he seems different. If he senses any anxiety from me, he flat out asks me where it's coming from. He makes me talk about things. He forces me to open up. And then we talk about ways we can alleviate the anxiety. He really seems like more of a secure individual than the other guys I've dated. 1
Author Lovelorn00 Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 With your severe anxiety, racing and obsessive thoughts, and maybe even PTSD (due to your dad leaving when you were 3), I am surprised your therapist did not refer you to a medical doctor (a psychiatrist) to prescribe some meds. It sounds debilitating! You also have abandonment issues. IMO these issues are serious enough to warrant a trip to medical doctor for a complete work-up and diagnosis. You can't live like this, it will destroy you and, in time, any relationship you wish to develop... BTDT, but I sought help and my bf and I are now engaged ....good luck! Oh, definitely! I feel like I'm a prime candidate for anti-anxiety medication, but he doesn't me to take any. And due to its highly-addictive nature, I can't just walk into a doctor's office and ask for Xanax, though I've taken it in the past, and it does indeed hp to bring me down to a normal level. As a result, I end up turning to junk food or (on the weekends) alcohol. Just to take the freaking edge off.
katiegrl Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 Thanks, TaraMaiden2! I appreciate your positive words. Even though the previous poster might be right, I'm hoping that's not the case with this dude. A lot of the guys I've dated, yes. They would definitely run. This guy is different, though. Or at least he seems different. If he senses any anxiety from me, he flat out asks me where it's coming from. He makes me talk about things. He forces me to open up. And then we talk about ways we can alleviate the anxiety. He really seems like more of a secure individual than the other guys I've dated. Yeah, he sounds awesome ... definitely a keeper! Back to your anxiety though, YIU need to get a handle on that. I find running works for me. Whenever my mind starts racing and those anxious feelings crop up, I go for a run. Exercise releases endorphins .....do you work out at all....it definitely helps!! 1
todreaminblue Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 Oh, this is great! I never thought about a physical mechanism for calming down the anxiety. I'll definitely try the rubber band idea. And you're right. The "staying in the moment" idea reminds me of meditation, which I used to do but have fallen out of habit. I really need to pick it back up, because that would probably help me to stay in the moment. meditation is a great idea...do what soothes you best...even try a different form of meditation(or different techniques) than you have tried before......deb 2
katiegrl Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 (edited) Oh, definitely! I feel like I'm a prime candidate for anti-anxiety medication, but he doesn't me to take any. And due to its highly-addictive nature, I can't just walk into a doctor's office and ask for Xanax, though I've taken it in the past, and it does indeed hp to bring me down to a normal level. As a result, I end up turning to junk food or (on the weekends) alcohol. Just to take the freaking edge off. No not Xanax hun, something you take regularly (every day) that will regulate your brain chemistry. Like Paxil, there are others. Work with your doctor to see what is right for you ...but no not Xanax! I dunno, if meds aren't an option, try my suggestion about running or any form of vigorous exercise. Stay away from junk food and alcohol ....that will make it worse believe it or not. Meditation is a great too! Also yoga (which helps calm me). Edited September 26, 2015 by katiegrl 1
todreaminblue Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 Thanks, TaraMaiden2! I appreciate your positive words. Even though the previous poster might be right, I'm hoping that's not the case with this dude. A lot of the guys I've dated, yes. They would definitely run. This guy is different, though. Or at least he seems different. If he senses any anxiety from me, he flat out asks me where it's coming from. He makes me talk about things. He forces me to open up. And then we talk about ways we can alleviate the anxiety. He really seems like more of a secure individual than the other guys I've dated. he seems to be aware of your insecurities and is working with you to overcome them...trust him.....but more so trust yourself.....and work on you too..not only just with him....with the ideas suggested previously in this thread try them out...see if they help you..taramaiden suggested talk to him ...and i think it would help you to define where you stand together also....i think you have a really good chance here...stay positive and in the moment....as far as negative posts go...take only what is useful and progressive for you with advice....dont take on negativity unless you consider it constructive to you...deb 1
Author Lovelorn00 Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 Yeah, he sounds awesome ... definitely a keeper! Back to your anxiety though, YIU need to get a handle on that. I find running works for me. Whenever my mind starts racing and those anxious feelings crop up, I go for a run. Exercise releases endorphins .....do you work out at all....it definitely helps!! It's funny you mention that, because I have recently picked up running. I even bought new running shoes a couple of weeks ago to help me stay in the habit. And you're right - it helps tremendously when I'm actually doing it. Once I'm done, I'm good for an hour or two, then the anxiety comes back. It's also hard to find the time. I'm not a morning person, but I've been forcing myself to get up super early to run, because it does indeed help a lot. Not only that, but it helps to offset the anxiety-induced junk food binges I have every now and then. Plus, he's super athletic, so it's good that I'm also doing something to keep fit. Maybe when I can't run, I can find something to do in my home or in the office to get my heart rate enough and get those endorphins going.
katiegrl Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 (edited) **he seems to be aware of your insecurities and is working with you to overcome them...trust him...*** ..but more so trust yourself.....and work on you too..not only just with him....with the ideas suggested previously in this thread try them out...see if they help you..taramaiden suggested talk to him ...and i think it would help you to define where you stand together also....i think you have a really good chance here...stay positive and in the moment....as far as negative posts go...take only what is useful and progressive for you with advice....dont take on negativity unless you consider it constructive to you...deb Re quote in asterisk, try not to focus too much on your insecurities and anxiety when you are with him. These are your issues to fix, not his (to fix for you). I agree you should talk to him about where you stand with each other. My thinking is if he were to reassure you he feels the same way, wants exclusivity, etc, you would feel much more emotionally safe and secure, alleviating much of your anxiety. If he does not feel the same, wants to keep options open, best you know now, right? BTW, are you guys having sex? Edited September 26, 2015 by katiegrl 1
Author Lovelorn00 Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 Re quote in asterisk, try not to focus too much on your insecurities and anxiety when you are with him. These are your issues to fix, not his (to fix for you). I agree you should talk to him about where you stand with each other. My thinking is if he were to reassure you he feels the same way, wants exclusivity, etc, you would feel much more emotionally safe and secure, alleviating much of your anxiety. If he does not feel the same, wants to keep options open, best you know now, right? BTW, are you guys having sex? He's aware of one insecurity in particular, because I told him about it, but yes - he makes me feel like it's okay to open up around him. To trust him a little. Bringing up exclusivity. I have no idea how to approach that. It's something I always thought the man was supposed initiate. The woman is supposed to just sit and wait until the magical day the man decides he wants to stop dating other women. It sounds bad, but that's what I've always been taught. So, it won't be a matter of me flat out discussing it with him. It's going to have to come up during conversation somehow. Randomly. Subtly. No, we are not yet having sex. I usually don't until exclusivity is on the table.
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 Bringing up exclusivity. ..... It's something I always thought the man was supposed initiate. The woman is supposed to just sit and wait until the magical day the man decides he wants to stop dating other women. It sounds bad, but that's what I've always been taught. Have you also been taught that a woman shouldn't go out to work, but should find a man to support her, who gives her housekeeping money, to buy groceries, to cook, clean, do the laundry, and embrace her place in the home? That it's the man who deals with the finances, bills and practical jobs, from putting the trash out to mowing the lawn, and it's the woman's job to dust, vacuum-clean,and bring him his pipe and slippers? I strongly suspect not. Or even if you were, I don't expect you'd agree with it all... Those are long-gone stereotypical roles which no longer apply, due to emancipation and socially-conscious 'enlightenment' and progress.... So our notion that it's the man who is supposed to initiate, is also erroneous. There is no 'magical' day. You wait for that 'magical' day, and you may as well confess to believing in fairies, Unicorns and Santa Claus. (I'm in big trouble if you do...! ) I think you should find a way to tentatively bring it up. Not drop hints, or hope he will mention it. But actually say that you feel strongly that you'd like to consider being an exclusive partner to him,and him to you, and wonder what his views are on commitment...? You can do this. You're a grown-up, and if you're responsible enough to handle your own budget, buy your own clothes and plan your own meals, then you can rest assured you are totally entitled and in a food position to do this, too. 2
katiegrl Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 He's aware of one insecurity in particular, because I told him about it, but yes - he makes me feel like it's okay to open up around him. To trust him a little. Bringing up exclusivity. I have no idea how to approach that. It's something I always thought the man was supposed initiate. The woman is supposed to just sit and wait until the magical day the man decides he wants to stop dating other women. It sounds bad, but that's what I've always been taught. So, it won't be a matter of me flat out discussing it with him. It's going to have to come up during conversation somehow. Randomly. Subtly. No, we are not yet having sex. I usually don't until exclusivity is on the table. It's great you're open and he is understanding, just try not to focus on those things too much (not that you are) ... ..otherwise he may begin to feel like your therapist and not your boyfriend, which isn't good. It's been known to happen. That's all I meant. You are smart to wait until you are exclusive to have sex! I guess just wait til he initiates sex, and then tell him how you feel about no sex without exclusivity. If he feels same as you, he will or should reassure you that is what he wants to ....and then just take it from there. How long have you been dating? How often do you see each other? 1
katiegrl Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 >>>You wait for that *magical* day, and you may as well confess to believing in fairies, Unicorns, and Sants Claus.... ---- Awsome quote Tara ...... very true!
katiegrl Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 (edited) LL .... will you be seeing him tonight? It's Saturday night..... Just trying to get a sense of what this relationship is about......and if your anxiety is actually your gut telling you something isn't quite right... I hope not! But can you tell us how often you see each other, etc? Like I asked earlier? Edited September 26, 2015 by katiegrl
katiegrl Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Lovelorn how are you feeling today? Have you, will you be seeing him this weekend? How'd it go? You disappeared on us, hope you're okay! 1
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