man03999 Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 Hello all! First of all I'd like to thank the LS forums and all of the members. I have been reading quite a bit here. I'd like to post my own story about my break up and want all of your opinions! So my girlfriend broke up with me officially on the 8th this month and we had a little more than a week of NC prior to this. She's 22 and I'm 23. Here a little more details about us and the situation. This was our first real relationship. We have been dating for about 6 years now, She graduated from college in May this year and found a job in Kansas city, KS. Which is about 800 miles from Wisconsin where we live. Originally she was going to stay in Wisconsin and find a full time job here but she got a call from a company in Kansas and had a interview with them. Sometime in June she heard back from them and they said they wanted her. At that point she told her parents and after a long conversation with them, they came to conclusion that if she doesn't take the offer they will kick her out and don't want anything to do with her so she was forced to move to Kansas. (Her parents are really strict) As much as I want her here I can't put her in between the parents and I. Fast forward to Mid Aug, after she moved in and settle down with her new place and job. She's trying really be more outgoing with her coworkers because that's what the parents told her. So she's been hanging out with them on 1 on 1 base. And one time she went out to drinking after a football game with one of her coworker. I was not okay with that so I told her that I'm fine with you hanging out with them but not after 11pm and certainly not going out to bars with him. At that point we talked a little more and she told me she had feelings for him but wasn't sure if she just like the attention from him because she's lonely at home or that she really like him. The next day I didn't talk to her at all because I wanted her to think for herself and find out if that was just a phase or she really like him. Later that night she called me and said she really misses me and she's going to bed and wanted to stay on the phone with me. After 2 days she messaged me and said she's clear on her mind and that she picked me and wanted to be with me so i drove down to Kansas to give more reassurance that everything will be okay. Everything went smooth and I drove back 2 days later. Fast forward a week later, Aug 30th. I called her after work and wanted to say hi to her and make her smile. I asked her how she was doing and if she was busy, she said she was, and that shes going out to get pizza with the same guy that she had feelings for. (We both agreed that it was best to not talk to him and remain professional while at work) At this point I was shocked. I told her I'll call back later. Later that night we talked after she got home and I was really upset and ask her why she went back on her promises. She said she really misses hanging out with him. At this point I was very sad but I kept it to myself and told her that we have 2 options here. One is to break up completely because that's unfair to both of us. Two is to take a break and have her really think about what she wants. I booked a flight for her on the 18th prior to all this mess. So she said she wanted a break. After that night we went no contact til the 8th, It was the hardest thing ever for me. We message each other day and night. Always says good morning to each other and be on skype at night. That whole week was a complete mess for me. I loss 10lbs and barely got sleep. I knew that her family was coming down on labor day weekend to visit her and would talk her into breaking up with me and going with the other day. I was right, the following day after they left, on the 8th she texted me and said she wanted to talk. On the phone she said that she wanted to break up with me, I was really sad but I had to respect her decision and did not beg her. We stayed on the phone for an hour and 30mins. We were civil and we were wishing each other the best and told each other if we ever needed to vent we can call. I asked what was her reason of breaking up with me, she said she wanted to mature and that I deserve a person that's better than her. We never mention that co worker she had/has feelings for. Her concern before the take a break and break up were: How will we take care of our kids when we have them later. Our parents can't communicate. She's Christian and I'm not. (I do go to church with her whenever I can, and trying to learn more about it. I told her I will try my best but can't convert right away, it has to come from my heart) So that was it. Sorry for the long story. Its been almost a month of NC. I've never reached out to her. Not a single message from either of us. I am feeling GIGS after reading this forum. I do want her back. Our relationship was healthy and she did not cheat. I am apply the NC rule to the fullest and moving on, BUT I don't know want to lose any chance of reconciliation and I know It has to come from her since she was the one who wanted break. I want your opinion here. What should I do? Her birthday is on the 30th this month. Should I break NC to text her a happy birthday message? Thank you everyone!
greenleaves54 Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 Wow, on several points it sounded like you were describing my life the latest weeks. My ex and I also had the christianity "problem" and we also discussed the upbringing of our children. Although I think that was a small issue compared to the "GIGS" that most likely was what made her break up. It sounds like that was your ex's main issue as well. I also had one of those weeks where she would "think and decide on a decision". That week was the most horrible week of my life so I really feel your pain. In the end I just called her and broke up myself. My ex claimed that she wasn't interested in anyone else in particular, she claimed she just wanted to be free and well, flirt with randoms I guess. I'm pretty sure there was a dude though, like in your case, she just didn't admit it to herself. That new car smell huh, not much to do about it. I'm sorry for you, especially since you had as many as 6 years together. But as you wisely said yourself there's not much to be done now. You seem to have handled the situation really well, by not begging and going NC. Well done! My ex's birthday is also coming up and I have a big urge to text her just as you have. But I don't think neither of us should. Firstly, by not texting we send the message that we have moved on and that they are not longer the center of our thoughts (even if they are). And secondly it's perfectly understandable for us to cut contact completely after getting dumped like this, so they have no reason to get angry with us. So let her go. This happens to almost everyone in a LTR in their early 20s. She was right about one thing, she needs to mature. And if you think about it, maybe you need to experience a bit more of life as well before settling down? Or are you truly ready to only have one woman for the rest of your life? You're only 23. Use this time to focus on yourself, do anything you want and enjoy life. Remove her from all social medias. You don't want to know anything about that coworker of hers. Forget about her. I have a note on my desk saying: "DISAPPEAR" to remind me of what I need to do in order to move on. Maybe in a long time she realizes what she lost, but DON'T wait for it. Accept that she's gone. Live life and meet other people. It hurts now but it gets better. You have some great years in front of you I'm sure!
sbk24 Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Hi, IMO I believe that you should not texted her as the deed has been done. I am glad you left on good terms etc (I wish I had). 6 years is a very long term, believe me I was with my ex for over 8 years and it is extremely painful. However, stick with NC. As if you send her a message, you will be dwelling on whether you will get a reply or not, if she doesn't send you a message back you will be pondering on it and it will hurt you. If she does send you a message back you will be thinking there is still hope for you two. I have been thinking the same as my Ex's birthday is next month, but if you do not send a message you cannot be hurt! 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 She has been with you since she was 16, if I understand correctly. It's normal that people change a lot during that time and young adulthood, and I suspect she outgrew the relationship. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you personally, just that she wants to meet new guys and see what else is out there. You're really all she knows. I would not keep my mind on reconciliation. She is likely dating this other guy now, as she was clear she missed him and liked him. You should keep up NC and start to focus on healing yourself and moving on. 1
Author man03999 Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 Thanks everyone! I appreciate your comments. Today has not been a good day so far. I had a dream this morning about her, lets just say it wasn't a good dream at all. Her birthday is on Wednesday and I'm going crazy and thinking what she is going to do and with who.. I will not send her a birthday text.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Thanks everyone! I appreciate your comments. Today has not been a good day so far. I had a dream this morning about her, lets just say it wasn't a good dream at all. Her birthday is on Wednesday and I'm going crazy and thinking what she is going to do and with who.. I will not send her a birthday text. Wise idea. It takes a long time to overcome this, but you will. Remind yourself that she is not the be-all and end-all of love and that you will very likely experience much greater love in the future. 2
Author man03999 Posted October 10, 2015 Author Posted October 10, 2015 It's officially been a little over a month since BU and I'm starting to feel better! Just wanted to give you guys an update!
greenleaves54 Posted October 11, 2015 Posted October 11, 2015 It's officially been a little over a month since BU and I'm starting to feel better! Just wanted to give you guys an update! Glad to hear it! I'm also about one month past BU and I feel a lot better as well! I'm really thankful we live in different cities so I never risk meeting her or any of her friends. It feels lovely doing NC. I'm free and independent! I have a feeling she's still confused and lost though. Yay for both of us :-)
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