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One of the most DANGEROUS mistakes people make in dating/relationships...

Nikki Sahagin

By Nikki Sahagin
in General Relationship Discussion

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Nikki Sahagin Established Member

Nikki Sahagin

Posted
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Is to promise more than they can deliver, thus setting there partners expectations unrealistically high.

 

In dating/relationships people need to be HONEST and REALISTIC about what they can offer.

 

A large problem I have found in my own dating life and in those of others is that people try so hard to seem perfect so snare a partner, that they end up unable to deliver.

 

They say:

 

'I'm not like that'

'I'll never lie to you'

'I like to have sex EVERY day'

'I'll take you out for date night every week'

 

They sell themselves too high or don't paint a realistic picture. Then, once the infatuation stage dies out, the partner is left with someone who sold them a load of nice sounding stories that never materialized.

 

My KEY advice to people when dating is focus on an AUTHENTIC emotional and mental connection and be honest about what you have to offer. Don't build up what you can give if you can't give it or you will leave a partner disappointed and resentful.

 

I've been left so disappointed by partners who swore they were responsible, exciting, adventurous, ambitious, thoughtful or different only to be given a beer guzzling man plonked in front of the TV or video games who forgot my hospital appointment or that it was date night.

 

Or men who end up with women with no interest in sex who were promised a sex queen.

Edited by Nikki Sahagin
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Frank2thepoint Established Member

Frank2thepoint

Posted
Posted
Or men who end up with women with no interest in sex who were promised a sex queen.

 

That's funny how you assume men want only a sex queen. Well sure some men do; the ones that aren't looking for anything but just sex. And there are women like that as well. You could spot them from afar. If you are paying attention of course.

  • Like 1
Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted

But that's why you spend time getting to know them (preferably 1 1/2 to 2 years of actual "dating" - not LDRs, shacking up, friends, coworkers)...

 

Cuz, you gotta take the time to see if they are who they say they are...a vampire can only hide his/her fangs for so long.

  • Like 4
thunder777 Established Member

thunder777

Posted
Posted

i like this sentence...

 

Is to promise more than they can deliver, thus setting there partners expectations unrealistically high

 

im back on dating scene chatting away to girls, im also short of work so im not able to entertain the way i wish i could

 

but if encounters occur, im going to remember to mention that...

 

"i cant promise too much, im not getting enough hours at work, so at present dont expect us to be having too many great times too often" :laugh:

  • Like 1
Siquijor Established Member

Siquijor

Posted
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The most dangerous mistake to make IMO is to base a person purely on their looks.

PrettyEmily77 Established Member

PrettyEmily77

Posted
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There are only mistakes in hindsight, though - going with your heart / gut instinct isn't always a guarantee of success anyway. Nothing you can do apart from going into it with your eyes and your heart open.

Got it Established Member

Got it

Posted
Posted

Don't communicate, emulate, or pretend to be, think, or feel, something or somebody that you are not.

 

Do what you say and say what you do even if you think "hedging the bets" will more likely win the (short term) prize.

GravityMan Established Member

GravityMan

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The people that the OP describes probably don't respect themselves.

 

Don't be a people-pleaser.

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blackcat777 Established Member

blackcat777

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I think there are two powerful (though not necessarily foolproof) ways to offset this:

 

-Take as much time dating as you possibly can. I'm coming up on two years with my man and I STILL feel like there are so many sides of each other we're still discovering. I felt like we really got to know each other after going through some major crises, which didn't come until after the honeymoon stage.

 

-Always be authentic emotionally (like the OP said), and be vulnerable. You are opening yourself to some hurt this way--but selfish people don't want the burden. If you are strong enough to be true to yourself, always, people who don't want you for you will fall away quickly.

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Rejected Rosebud Established Member

Rejected Rosebud

Posted
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What happens though is that people would LIKE to be a certain way and when they're all excited at the beginning they believe they ARE going to be that way. I don't think most of us are making fake promises when we do this, I think it's an honest human foible, so what everybody needs to do is to take their time getting to know someone and remember that actions speak louder than words. :bunny::bunny:

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No Limit Established Member

No Limit

Posted
Posted

If it sounds too good to be true, it most likely is. People shouldn't put their faith in what others say but rather observe what they actually do. If you buy every promise someone else gives you, of course you'll end up disappointed.

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Nikki Sahagin Established Member

Nikki Sahagin

Posted
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Posted
That's funny how you assume men want only a sex queen. Well sure some men do; the ones that aren't looking for anything but just sex. And there are women like that as well. You could spot them from afar. If you are paying attention of course.

 

I just threw out a stereotype. Of course not all men are only looking for a sex queen but I was referencing threads where men on LS complain that there wives lost interest in sex once they married reversing what they promised when dating.

deadelvis Established Member

deadelvis

Posted
Posted

Amen. My partner made lots of claims about being a "sex queen" and painted a picture of herself as highly sexual and adventurous in bed. That turned out to be the complete opposite of who she really is. Did her little ruse work? Yes. Am I happy about the situation now? No.

 

This is a selfish trick to make someone fall in love with you, but it's basically just lying.

 

But sometimes I think people want to change, but find it difficult. I told her I was done drinking alcohol, and now I'm drinking again. I did want to stop drinking, and I still do. But saying something and doing it are not the same thing.

 

But how far are people willing to take this charade? Facebook makes it easy to figure out someones interests and mirror them. If you add someone on facebook they can easily read your favorite books, frequent your favorite places, take up your favorite hobbies etc. Will they continue those things once they have you "hooked"? Probably not.

 

We all do it to an extent, but some people are willing to completely recreate themselves in order to hook their partner.

  • Like 1
Trane Established Member

Trane

Posted
Posted

Ignoring the truths and not understanding the importance of this is one of the most dangerous mistakes people make in any kind of relationship.

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