Leigh 87 Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 I always choose partners that I feel that 'spark' with. It's not right or wrong, it's just preference. Some people choose a compatible, comfortable partner and settle into a cozy love. Other people choose that spark. Others seek both. My partner and I are SO different in SO many ways which can be a cause of frustration (although fortunately we do respect and tolerate each others differences), but we do have a spark and that's what led us to each other to begin with. I am the same. But I am also realistic when giving advice. I do know that most people don't end up with the person who they had instant chemistry and fireworks with. 1
autumnnight Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 I always choose partners that I feel that 'spark' with. It's not right or wrong, it's just preference. Some people choose a compatible, comfortable partner and settle into a cozy love. Other people choose that spark. Others seek both. My partner and I are SO different in SO many ways which can be a cause of frustration (although fortunately we do respect and tolerate each others differences), but we do have a spark and that's what led us to each other to begin with. This. people have different personalities. I'm always amused when people decide to label passion "immature." I get it. Some people want a relationship more like Sheldon and Amy than Jack and Rose....but there's no need to judge. 1
stillafool Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 OP, when a woman says she does not feel a "spark" with you, she is saying she does not feel sexual attraction to you. 1
Nikki Sahagin Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 I am the same. But I am also realistic when giving advice. I do know that most people don't end up with the person who they had instant chemistry and fireworks with. Sometimes I feel this is because people are handed such a live wire package that they don't know what to do with it. Instead of taking the time to enjoy the insane chemistry, they do everything at once and spoil it. I think that hot passion and chemistry can lead to enduring love, but it still needs to be processed slowly. Most people when faced with that strong attraction rush from 1-100% and spoil the process.
Nikki Sahagin Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 This. people have different personalities. I'm always amused when people decide to label passion "immature." I get it. Some people want a relationship more like Sheldon and Amy than Jack and Rose....but there's no need to judge. EXACTLY. I've always been quite dramatic about love. I'm fiery and passionate and romantic. I've always been drawn to those intense but tragic love affairs (Romeo and Juliet, Lestat and Louis etc) for their passion. In my real life, I temper that need for adventure and passion with a strong desire for a loyal, reliable partner but my heart is always seeking that story book love and lust combo. I think most people at there heart want that. I hate the idea of the humdrum 'how was your day dear? What's on TV and what's for dinner?' although I recognise that it is an aspect of all relationships to a point.
Leigh 87 Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 OP, when a woman says she does not feel a "spark" with you, she is saying she does not feel sexual attraction to you. Not necessarily. I felt a spark with a guy or two thos year prior to meeting my boyfriend. I felt a spark to begin with however, upon dating them, I soon discovered that the spark just wasnt strong enough....... I wasn't repulsed by them but I didnt want to jump thei bones either.
Leigh 87 Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 EXACTLY. I've always been quite dramatic about love. I'm fiery and passionate and romantic. I've always been drawn to those intense but tragic love affairs (Romeo and Juliet, Lestat and Louis etc) for their passion. In my real life, I temper that need for adventure and passion with a strong desire for a loyal, reliable partner but my heart is always seeking that story book love and lust combo. I think most people at there heart want that. I hate the idea of the humdrum 'how was your day dear? What's on TV and what's for dinner?' although I recognise that it is an aspect of all relationships to a point. I feel exactly the same about relationships! I'd rather stay single longer and hold out for off the charts chemistry. That THING that makes you fall crazy in love. The OP does wsnt a spark and he doesn't want SOME chemistry, however, he doesnt need to fall head over heels in Love with a future wife. He's seeking a best friend with whom he enjoys sex with and can build a future with due to the 10/10 compatibility.... And the sad thing is, the majority of people associate passion with drama. Many people cannot recognise healthy passion and they are ONLY drawn to people that are less into them than they are into them. 1
stillafool Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 Not necessarily. I felt a spark with a guy or two thos year prior to meeting my boyfriend. I felt a spark to begin with however, upon dating them, I soon discovered that the spark just wasnt strong enough....... I wasn't repulsed by them but I didnt want to jump thei bones either. But was the initial spark sexual attraction? Then after dating them that spark went cold and you no longer desired them?
jam.over.jelly Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 People refer to spark as sexual attraction. I don't think it's simply just sexual attraction. It's more of a physical and mental connection. It starts with physical, that initial attraction, then two people interact, and then this is when either the spark comes in or it doesn't. I can be physically attracted to someone, yet I feel no spark with them. Spark equals me being giddy thinking about them, me acting like a teenage girl when I see their names popped up on my phone, or when they kiss me, when I start thinking about little things they do, or when certain things other people do remind me of them. That for me is spark. Spark exists even in the never ending, never boring conversations we exchange. Spark can be hidden somewhere after dating for a while but if it was truly there at some point, it can always be brought out again, it will never just go cold. Just my honest opinion. 2
Nikki Sahagin Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 I think the elusive 'spark' can be many things. It can be lust/attraction but it's usually mixed with something more. You can look at someone hot but not get a 'spark' feeling, just a horny feeling. 1
xxoo Posted October 1, 2015 Posted October 1, 2015 People refer to spark as sexual attraction. I don't think it's simply just sexual attraction. It's more of a physical and mental connection. It starts with physical, that initial attraction, then two people interact, and then this is when either the spark comes in or it doesn't. I can be physically attracted to someone, yet I feel no spark with them. Spark equals me being giddy thinking about them, me acting like a teenage girl when I see their names popped up on my phone, or when they kiss me, when I start thinking about little things they do, or when certain things other people do remind me of them. That for me is spark. Spark exists even in the never ending, never boring conversations we exchange. Spark can be hidden somewhere after dating for a while but if it was truly there at some point, it can always be brought out again, it will never just go cold. Just my honest opinion. Yes, this is it. So lovely. We've been married over 20 years. The spark isn't there on a daily basis, but it comes out regularly. I'd be pretty miserable in a marriage without it.
kpl Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 This. people have different personalities. I'm always amused when people decide to label passion "immature." I get it. Some people want a relationship more like Sheldon and Amy than Jack and Rose....but there's no need to judge. I think looking for a spark is a bit immature. As you have more experiences you learn that feeling can grow. So those ppl chasing the spark are missing out on what they could have with other people. I also wonder with ppl who claim to search for that spark if you ask their partners what they would say. Would they say they knew instantly too?
autumnnight Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I think looking for a spark is a bit immature. As you have more experiences you learn that feeling can grow. So those ppl chasing the spark are missing out on what they could have with other people. I also wonder with ppl who claim to search for that spark if you ask their partners what they would say. Would they say they knew instantly too? I don't tend to expect a spark immediately. I like to talk with someone and get a "sense" of who they are first. In fact, if I feel an immediate belly flop, I tend to become instantly skeptical because - well - let's just say the instant belly flops haven't worked out so well However, if I am being casual and myself with no real expectation and then the spark just creeps in and surprises me.....that tends to bode well. It's a balance of appreciating who they are and having that indefinable "draw" that just makes everything kinda sweet and exciting. 1
xxoo Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I think looking for a spark is a bit immature. As you have more experiences you learn that feeling can grow. So those ppl chasing the spark are missing out on what they could have with other people. I also wonder with ppl who claim to search for that spark if you ask their partners what they would say. Would they say they knew instantly too? The op is talking about a woman he's been dating for 4 months. That's not expecting instant spark. I find that spark is more sustainable when it builds over time, rather than being immediate. But it has to build. No spark by 4 months is going nowhere. 1
Leigh 87 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I think looking for a spark is a bit immature. As you have more experiences you learn that feeling can grow. So those ppl chasing the spark are missing out on what they could have with other people. I also wonder with ppl who claim to search for that spark if you ask their partners what they would say. Would they say they knew instantly too? Immature you say? I've had lots of dating experience. And for me, I just prefer an instant spark. It is just a way I go about dating that I enjoy more than to date men with whom I feel very mild sparks or no sparks with in the hope it'll developed. For many people, a spark rarely grows if it wasn't there to begin with. It only has grown for me once.....and I've dated a lot of men. It's even more rare for men to go from meeting a woman they feel lukewarm about initially to falling head over heels... Men rarely, if ever, go from " meh that girl was okay, but I am not smitten with her and I want to continue dating other people until I figure out how I feel about her " to. " I am head over heels in Love with thst girl now...I am enamored, smitten and madly in love and the sizzle in the bedroom is intense and passionate " Where as women can more readily go from lukewarm indifference to hot passion. I did, once.....out of many many guys I felt no initial spark with. Only one changed to passion. And he didn't feel it for me. I personally need to fall head over heels and to have the guy also fall head over heels. I need to fall hard. And I need a man to fall hard for me as opposed to just think " well Leigh 87 is a sweet girl and cute, I am not crazy about her yet but I woll wait and see how things develop whole I am free to date other women " I am not immature for being who I am and going about my love life in a way that I most enjoy??????? I am mature enough to realise that there is healthy and unhealthy types of sparks too. In fact, it takes real maturity and self awareness and a will to self help and improve ones situation in relationship land, to.realise the difference ls between UNHEALTHY chemistry and healthy levels. For instance the Irish player who took drugs and sweet talked me into thinking I was the one-woman he suddenly wanted to change for, caused massive levels of chemistry in me,largely because I sensed he wasn't truly going to commit. And if it did, itbwas against all odds that a guy like him would ever change. Changing someone or being the one special girl to change an emotionally vacant man is may girls dream. When I met my boyfriend sparks flew and there was an instant connection. But I didn't stress or worry. I feel safe and secure because he is the type to commit once he finds the right woman.....I felt the instant spark but not in the anxiety inducing way the Irish caused me.......to some this type of spark Is less intense than the drama riddled spark thst is it ignited by instability and anxiety ( surrounding your uncertainty as to whether the guy likes you back as much as you dig him...) I consider myself very mature indeed, that I seek and favour a healthy spark. I don't mistake the intensity of drama for the real deal. Thus, my friend, is emotionql maturity. I also happen to know that only one in 50 encounters with the instant spark types of people result in something lasting. On average that is. I did my research and knew just how much more rare it was for sparks to fizzle or not amount to anything lasting..... And I accepted that my need for sparks would ultimately make me more happy in the long run, and I was willing to be single for a bit longer than my peers and miss out on having a family in order to find thus THING.... The magic, that people define as " chemistry " or a spark........ .. I've lived it...dating sparks and non sparks men....and I can safely say that, knowing the pros and cons to sparks versus slower burning love that is devoid of initial sparks or passion, I still know I rather sparks in my dating life and relationships at the risk of staying single for longer and not having children.... That's maturity. I would describe immaturity and the typical misconception about people who chase sparks is that they: only stay in relationships until the infatuation and honeymoon stage ends then assume they are no longer " in love " and bail.... Another misgiving about instant chemistry buffs is that we expect a prefect fairy tale. And lastly, many spark chases aren't aware that most people mistakenly think sparks are synonymous with drama and tension! Have you ever considered that not everyone wants kids and are in no great rush to have to settle down? People like me don't feel a need to have to " give guys a chance " when we're not excited by them. Because, well, we don't feel compelled to keep dating men if we aren't excited about them? If we wanted love and a family in our 20 s or early to mid 30 s the It just so happens that the best dating experiences I have had are with men who I felt mutual, instant chemistry with. It's simply more enjoyable for me to only date men who who can't keep their hands off me and me them..as opposed to initial lukewarm passion and no real urges to make out with them........... My way works for me and I enjoy it the most out when compared to my experiences of dating men without those initial sparks. Which always led to unsatisfying experiences and heartbreak for with me or the men I lacked the spark feeling for.... Because I adopt my sparks approach that doesn't mean I place low emphasis on overall compatability, mutual respect and admiration! Not all spark chasers are immature. I consider it immature to discount other people's way of doing things..what makes you think you're an authority on other people's personal and intimate relationship styles? I dint discount people who don't seek sparks anymore. In fact, I weighed up the pros and cons if those amazing sparks and magic and told the OP to mention to his ex thst she may well not find the brightest burning passion with a decent partner in time for her biologically bare children....... .
Leigh 87 Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 I don't tend to expect a spark immediately. I like to talk with someone and get a "sense" of who they are first. In fact, if I feel an immediate belly flop, I tend to become instantly skeptical because - well - let's just say the instant belly flops haven't worked out so well However, if I am being casual and myself with no real expectation and then the spark just creeps in and surprises me.....that tends to bode well. It's a balance of appreciating who they are and having that indefinable "draw" that just makes everything kinda sweet and exciting. The spark hasn't always been instant for me.... It took two days a couple of times. Without the magic and a unexplainable draw to someone, the lack of sparks will make themselves known. Four months is enough to know whether the chemistry is ever going to be a 9 or 10/10.... Some people need to fall MADLY in love and head over heels. And there nothing wrong with that. It's actually hard-wired. People pails prefer to say their with whom they feel he most chemistry with. It just so happens that great chemistry rarely goes hand in hand with compatability.
kpl Posted October 2, 2015 Posted October 2, 2015 Thus, my friend, is emotionql maturity. I also happen to know that only one in 50 encounters with the instant spark types of people result in something lasting. On average that is. I did my research and knew just how much more rare it was for sparks to fizzle or not amount to anything lasting..... And I accepted that my need for sparks would ultimately make me more happy in the long run, and I was willing to be single for a bit longer than my peers and miss out on having a family in order to find thus THING.... The magic, that people define as " chemistry " or a spark........ .. I would describe immaturity and the typical misconception about people who chase sparks is that they: only stay in relationships until the infatuation and honeymoon stage ends then assume they are no longer " in love " and bail.... Another misgiving about instant chemistry buffs is that we expect a prefect fairy tale. And lastly, many spark chases aren't aware that most people mistakenly think sparks are synonymous with drama and tension! Have you ever considered that not everyone wants kids and are in no great rush to have to settle down? People like me don't feel a need to have to " give guys a chance " when we're not excited by them. Because, well, we don't feel compelled to keep dating men if we aren't excited about them? If we wanted love and a family in our 20 s or early to mid 30 s the Not all spark chasers are immature. I consider it immature to discount other people's way of doing things..what makes you think you're an authority on other people's personal and intimate relationship styles? I dint discount people who don't seek sparks anymore. In fact, I weighed up the pros and cons if those amazing sparks and magic and told the OP to mention to his ex thst she may well not find the brightest burning passion with a decent partner in time for her biologically bare children....... . In no way was I calling you immature i meant the concept seems immature to me. Every comment or advice any person gives is clouded by bias and our own experiences the same way your examples are. I get the spark, I do. I have dated ppl I felt instant spark or chemistry with but i felt like at the end of the day it wasn't really a spark. It was more my attraction triggers...which for me include sexual attraction and intense communication. I learned that anyone that has those things will hook me. Even if I was sexual attracted to someone if they couldn't hook me intellectual I was not interested. I then realized that not everyone is that communicative immediately and to give them a chance to open up and in return I've given ppl a chance I normally wouldn't. The key is things build. Quick story: My ex of 3.5 years we dated and I instantly felt that spark and he told me he wasn't sure about us for 6 mos. And I never knew until after we had been dating for a while. He said while he cared about me and loved seeing me he had been so hurt before he wasn't sure it was real until that point b/c most of his relationships didn't last that long. I was experiencing this relationship so much more differently than him and I thought that was interesting. My biggest issue with the spark is that it makes ppl believe that love and companionship is this rare almost unattainable thing and there is this special person you will connect with. I think about my friends some who I was instantly attracted to and others who's relationships have grown over time there are so many ppl out there I just hate to see us all limit ourselves into thinking there is a special someone who i will have a spark with. I don't think you think this way b/c you said you don't buy into the fantasy of it but just letting you know where I am coming from. *as far as the op is concerned...I still stand by this girl wanted an out and needed to say something, who knows if it was really a spark it sounded like a line and yes after 4 mos that feeling is either there or not.
xcupid Posted October 5, 2015 Posted October 5, 2015 If she wasn't into me...why would we be spending so much time together and why would she have me over to hang with her family? If you're not "into" someone, you typically don't do these things...I wouldn't. She invited me to her sister's damn baby shower! As you pointed out she has her wall up. For whatever reason, she didn't want a romantic relationship. You were friend zoned IMO.
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