High compatibility...but, no "spark"???

[xxoo]

Honestly, from what she's said, I think this girl wants 10/10 chemistry and 10/10 compatibility. *Rolls eyes* She's not a dumb girl either...I wonder when she'll see the absurdity in it. When she broke it off, I asked her to talk to some of her friends and family who have been happily married or in a happy LTR and get their take. I hope she does it. For her own sake. I know what her mom would say at least because she likes me and was probably confused with her daughter when she heard of it, haha.

 

The typical handed down wisdom is: when you know, you know. And if you don't know, that's an answer.

 

If she doesn't feel like you're "the one", you're not. It's not something that she can logic herself into being thrilled about. And if she's not thrilled to be with you, what's the point?

 

I've been married over 20 years. That's what I'd tell her.

[Leigh 87]

Honestly, from what she's said, I think this girl wants 10/10 chemistry and 10/10 compatibility. *Rolls eyes* She's not a dumb girl either...I wonder when she'll see the absurdity in it. When she broke it off, I asked her to talk to some of her friends and family who have been happily married or in a happy LTR and get their take. I hope she does it. For her own sake. I know what her mom would say at least because she likes me and was probably confused with her daughter when she heard of it, haha.

 

I do know one couple who got the 10/10 chemistry and 10/10 compatibility. They got extremely lucky.

 

I have 10/10 explosive sex and chemistry right now. We seem very compatible also. We both met randomly. At my door step literally. He was the plumber lol. We felt a special connection, love making out and the sex was pretty great early on. The best yet.

We definitely don't act all over each other all day though....... We go about daily life without being giddy every moment......

 

Maybe her idea of chemistry is unrealistic? both me and my friend agreed that, although sparks were flying with our boyfriends immediately upon talking to them, we HAVE had stronger initial chemistry. From unavailable and bad men. The intensity actually came from the fact both men were so wrong for us, and in my case he was unavailable and less onto me that I was into him. All in all, that'd FAKE chemistry.

 

Has your recent ex felt really chemistry or just the fake stuff that the unavailable jerks trigger through being unavailable and her thrill she derives through chasing what's not hers?

 

Real chemistry is slightly less intense but deeper. Took me years to figure that out

Edited September 29, 2015 by Leigh 87

[edgygirl]

Sorry OP. I'll give my perspective from two guys I broke up with in the past two years based on lack of spark.

 

Both of them were good on paper, cute looking, adorable people. But but but... I didn't long to see them, or got really excited about being around them... My heart didn't melt in admiration when I was talking with them... and also the sexual chemistry was... kinda meh. I think that's what people mean by lack of spark. When someone is a cool person and all, but there's no real romantic chemistry. I don't have that illusion that it needs to happen in the first meeting, but, it should at least grow after dating for 1-2 months. If it doesn't, it's more of a friendship and someone you like as a person than a romantic situation. It feels... wrong.

 

I guess I tried to explain to these guys my reasons, but they felt differently about me, they did feel the spark so they didn't get why I didn't. Chemistry is a complicated thing I guess. Either we are feeling it or not. If we're not... better to say goodbye.

[nb482]

 

Has your recent ex felt really chemistry or just the fake stuff that the unavailable jerks trigger through being unavailable and her thrill she derives through chasing what's not hers?

 

Long story short, her previous relationship she was really into the guy and felt some strong chemistry...it apparently wasn't always mutual. He dumped her suddenly and vanished. He told her the line, "it's me, not you". She still has trouble talking about it in depth...I can still sense some lingering anger/frustration in her. This relationship ended in early 2015...we got together this summer. I question whether she is over it. The guy is out of her life...he ran. She's not had the best history in love, really.

[edgygirl]

I'm guilty of doing the below lately. So tired of crash and burn relationships that were initially full of chemistry, I decided to try the latter.

 

But having tried the "let's see if the spark grows with this good on paper guy" in the past months, I will honestly say: not doing it anymore! Sorry, it doesn't work. Said spark needs to be there to bond you together, not because you should bond with a partner, but because you want to bond with a partner. You need to have true desire to be around that person. And for me, that's what spark means.

 

Probably she was trying a different approach (someone who is good for her on paper, vs someone who she feels magnetically drawn toward) hoping that the spark would grow, gave it time, and it didn't.

[Leigh 87]

Long story short, her previous relationship she was really into the guy and felt some strong chemistry...it apparently wasn't always mutual. He dumped her suddenly and vanished. He told her the line, "it's me, not you". She still has trouble talking about it in depth...I can still sense some lingering anger/frustration in her. This relationship ended in early 2015...we got together this summer. I question whether she is over it. The guy is out of her life...he ran. She's not had the best history in love, really.

 

She's probably annoyed and frustrated that she can't feel as strongly for you as she did for her ex.

 

She may need to learn that life isn't necessarily about finding the men who makes you feel the best and most giddy and the major excited about dating him..Most people find the one who they get along with the best and feel sufficient attraction to but who doesn't ignite the strongest feelings.Long story short.. She felt stronger feelings for her ex. But that's just what chemistry and sparks are: FEELINGS only.

 

Most people are happy to have less strong feelings of romance than what they have felt in the past and very happily settle for high compatability. And, over time, sufficient physical attraction and a good sex life coupled with high compatability DOES cause a deeper love and attachment comparable to strong chemistry.

 

You have to see where she's coming from though. Haven't YOU previously met girls that you were enamored with and infatuated with?

Haven't YOU been more into a couple of previous girlfriends in the past?

 

You admitted to feeling 6/10 chemistry. But if you had the choice of a girl you were enamoured with and also highly compatible with VERSUS your current ex, who would you pick?

 

You would pick the girl you fell head over heels for silly, if she and equally high compatability as your current ex.....

Edited September 29, 2015 by Leigh 87

[nb482]

You would pick the girl you fell head over heels for silly, if she and equally high compatability as your current ex.....

 

Haha! Actually no. I recently went through this...it has happened before too. About a year and a half ago I fell head over heels for someone...I chased and it got me nowhere but a couple of hot makeout sessions. I came out of this "fog" of chemistry after a few months and wondered what had taken hold...it was like I wasn't me before. Something took hold. I look at this girl now and we're still friends, but I have zero desire to date her. This has happened to me at least once every few years. But, I've also had some long term relationships that grew gradually without the 10/10 sparks....people I grew to love. I try to focus more on this now....more on compatibility and longer lasting things. Chemistry is great, but it's not everything. If I'm highly compatible with someone and the chemistry is a 6...I'll run with it. The passion will only grow if both people put in equal effort.

 

I've talked with my recent ex about this and she actually agreed with me!

[Leigh 87]

Haha! Actually no. I recently went through this...it has happened before too. About a year and a half ago I fell head over heels for someone...I chased and it got me nowhere but a couple of hot makeout sessions. I came out of this "fog" of chemistry after a few months and wondered what had taken hold...it was like I wasn't me before. Something took hold. I look at this girl now and we're still friends, but I have zero desire to date her. This has happened to me at least once every few years. But, I've also had some long term relationships that grew gradually without the 10/10 sparks....people I grew to love. I try to focus more on this now....more on compatibility and longer lasting things. Chemistry is great, but it's not everything. If I'm highly compatible with someone and the chemistry is a 6...I'll run with it. The passion will only grow if both people put in equal effort.

 

I've talked with my recent ex about this and she actually agreed with me!

 

The down side is: you will never fall MADLY in love with her. And you won't fall head over heels for her.

 

Maybe SHE isn't okay with your more watered down feelings ( knowing you were more passionate and more into other girls?)

 

The up side: those slow growing relationships where you don't exactly want to rip their clothes off but the sex is still good- are the relationships that generally last

 

What do you have to say about this people who never HAD to come out if their " chemistry " fog? They got the girl, the hot make out sessions AND the high compatability?

 

Surely the high compatability you share with your current ex would feel better if you felt head over heels for her too?

Edited September 29, 2015 by Leigh 87

[Leigh 87]

And more evidence against the 6/10 mediocre chemistry, is that current thread in the cheating section. A sub forum of the dating section.

 

Guy settles with girl he is the most compatible with. He falls head over heels for a girl who can male his heart skip a beat. Guy is trying to ignore his passing infatuation.

 

I find it sad that this man nor you, even felt that " i can't get her out of my head " feeling for your girls.

 

I've also been the one to dump a safe and loving boyfriend because I got SICK of having to ignore the men I did have a crush on. I resented my ex for the fact I just never HAD a crush on him to begin with.

 

I know how she feels..... But am not saying her method of chasing chemistry is realistic if she also wants kids, either.

[nb482]

 

Surely the high compatability you share with your current ex would feel better if you felt head over heels for her too?

 

I dunno. Each and every time I've falling madly in love with someone, it's been a lie. It's fizzled out as quickly as it came on leaving not a whole lot left. I don't trust it. Don't get me wrong, if a high compatibility girl came along and she knocked my socks off chemistry-wise, then I'd be all for it. But, I've never experienced that in my 33 years on this planet and I hear it's pretty damn rare. Plus, I would like to have a family and kids eventually. The LTR I mentioned were very fulfilling. The chemistry started mid-range, but it rose in time and there was certainly passion that developed in time that wasn't there after the first month. The sex was always good and got better and better as time went on. Look, there's nothing wrong with chasing that 10/10 chemistry and 10/10 compatibility person if you're prepared to search the Earth for them and are open to the possibility that you'll never find them in the first place. But, if you want a marriage and family (as she does), you may never get the chance. No?

[Leigh 87]

I dunno. Each and every time I've falling madly in love with someone, it's been a lie. It's fizzled out as quickly as it came on leaving not a whole lot left. I don't trust it. Don't get me wrong, if a high compatibility girl came along and she knocked my socks off chemistry-wise, then I'd be all for it. But, I've never experienced that in my 33 years on this planet and I hear it's pretty damn rare. Plus, I would like to have a family and kids eventually. The LTR I mentioned were very fulfilling. The chemistry started mid-range, but it rose in time and there was certainly passion that developed in time that wasn't there after the first month. The sex was always good and got better and better as time went on. Look, there's nothing wrong with chasing that 10/10 chemistry and 10/10 compatibility person if you're prepared to search the Earth for them and are open to the possibility that you'll never find them in the first place. But, if you want a marriage and family (as she does), you may never get the chance. No?

 

You should have a frank discussion.

 

Tell her the reality for most women that want the madly in love feeling.

 

Explain to her that thar you're also not enamoured with her, either, the way you have been for previous girls. But that you would much rarher have her, because you believe you can CULTIVATE the spark and enough passion, whilst also having the loving and secure side of a relationship....

 

Tell her you believe you have a real shot at marriage! And explain why. Tell her you have fallen madly head over heels in Love and you don't need that anymore - You need someone as awesome, kind and generous as her.

 

Make it know that she is what you want, and that you have learnt to let go if the head over heels romantic idealisation we all wanted to feel when we were young. And her if she would consider thus relationship that seems to have marriage potential ans longevity, as opposed to her short lived passionate flings that may feel better than you, but never last?

 

You have to calmy state your piece and explain why you think it'll work between the two of you. The let her decide if she wants to potentially go without children and maybe marry a lot later in life with s man she's madly in love with.Or, her other option is to marry the man she's not madly in love with but can give her kids, marriage and a best friend and partner in crime.

 

Let her have some time to think it over but definitely remind her that she may very well have to choose great sex and stability and family and marriage, over mind blowing sex with the man she's madly in love with.

[kpl]

I dunno. Each and every time I've falling madly in love with someone, it's been a lie. It's fizzled out as quickly as it came on leaving not a whole lot left. I don't trust it. Don't get me wrong, if a high compatibility girl came along and she knocked my socks off chemistry-wise, then I'd be all for it. But, I've never experienced that in my 33 years on this planet and I hear it's pretty damn rare. Plus, I would like to have a family and kids eventually. The LTR I mentioned were very fulfilling. The chemistry started mid-range, but it rose in time and there was certainly passion that developed in time that wasn't there after the first month. The sex was always good and got better and better as time went on. Look, there's nothing wrong with chasing that 10/10 chemistry and 10/10 compatibility person if you're prepared to search the Earth for them and are open to the possibility that you'll never find them in the first place. But, if you want a marriage and family (as she does), you may never get the chance. No?

 

in my experience as you get older you get smarter about picking ppl and you learn that instant passion isn't worth it and that finding someone that you are compatible with makes so much more sense. passion eventually fades in any relationship. I've had too many relationships fail that started out passionately b/c the real stuff (respect, trust, compatibility) wasn't there. There is so much more to building a sustainable relationship. I also learned that I wasn't capable of that instant passion as time went on b/c too many failures you become guarded and learn to trust over time and not instantly which is good. You don't know ppl when you first them any relationship takes time to build.

[nb482]

You should have a frank discussion.

 

Let her have some time to think it over but definitely remind her that she may very well have to choose great sex and stability and family and marriage, over mind blowing sex with the man she's madly in love with.

 

Thanks for this. This is what I was leaning toward. I'm gonna give her a few days or so with no contact and then ask to see her. Thanks for the advice. I appreciate it.

[Leigh 87]

I suspect this girl is like me.. A gut feeling.

 

What it comes down to is: I don't ever want to marry a man who didn't fall MADLY in love with me and who I didn't also fall head over heels for.

 

I am happier single than dating a man who I'm nkt crazy about. And who isnt smitten with me either

 

These words I use are interchangeable ; smitten, crazy in love, butterflies, madly in love..enamored and infatuated. I personally need my relationships to at least start out this way even though yes I know marriage isn't s passion fest.....

[lana-banana]

You should have a frank discussion.

 

Tell her the reality for most women that want the madly in love feeling.

 

Explain to her that thar you're also not enamoured with her, either, the way you have been for previous girls. But that you would much rarher have her, because you believe you can CULTIVATE the spark and enough passion, whilst also having the loving and secure side of a relationship....

 

Tell her you believe you have a real shot at marriage! And explain why. Tell her you have fallen madly head over heels in Love and you don't need that anymore - You need someone as awesome, kind and generous as her.

 

Make it know that she is what you want, and that you have learnt to let go if the head over heels romantic idealisation we all wanted to feel when we were young. And her if she would consider thus relationship that seems to have marriage potential ans longevity, as opposed to her short lived passionate flings that may feel better than you, but never last?

 

You have to calmy state your piece and explain why you think it'll work between the two of you. The let her decide if she wants to potentially go without children and maybe marry a lot later in life with s man she's madly in love with.Or, her other option is to marry the man she's not madly in love with but can give her kids, marriage and a best friend and partner in crime.

 

Let her have some time to think it over but definitely remind her that she may very well have to choose great sex and stability and family and marriage, over mind blowing sex with the man she's madly in love with.

 

Leigh, really? You know better than anyone that a spark can't be "cultivated". And believe me, I tried!

 

OP, talk to her if you must, but choose your words very carefully. As it is you are suggesting she's desperate to get married and essentially persuading her to settle for you. You're also implying you know what she wants in life better than she does. If I was your ex-girlfriend, I would find the entire thing weird and condescending. "Baby, you make bad choices. You should be with me instead!"

[xxoo]

I've read some of that Katz's guys stuff, and looked again to refresh.

 

I'm not saying people should look for instant chemistry and spark. I believe it should grow, because if it what isn't growing is fading. But at 4 months, if it hasn't, it isn't going to.

 

The first kiss doesn't need to be magic, but if after 4 months she doesn't whimper into your kiss sometimes and feel a desire to climb you like a tree, how much is she going to want sex long term?

 

Do you feel that desire for her? What does a "6" in chemistry mean in practical terms of desire?

[Leigh 87]

Leigh, really? You know better than anyone that a spark can't be "cultivated". And believe me, I tried!

 

OP, talk to her if you must, but choose your words very carefully. As it is you are suggesting she's desperate to get married and essentially persuading her to settle for you. You're also implying you know what she wants in life better than she does. If I was your ex-girlfriend, I would find the entire thing weird and condescending. "Baby, you make bad choices. You should be with me instead!"

 

But I am learning that not everyone who wants children can find the off the charts chemistry with s suitable long term match.....

 

Many relationship experts purport to be happily married to their 7/10 chemistry woman who didn't knock their socks off but is 10/10 compatability wise.

 

I am just trying to see things from other people perspectives for a change.

 

Me? I am like the OPs girl... And I am in a relationship with someone I am crazy about and felt hot for immediately and I am having the most mind blowing s*x I've ever had in my life.

 

And yeah I personally wouldn't settle for less sizzle. Lol. Bit the OP s girl wants kids...she's 32... It IS rewlly uncommon to find the 10/20 chemistry and strong compatability..........

[MoreAmore]

I have never felt the spark immediately and don't believe in it. I Take it as immaturity.

 

I have been deeply, crazy in love.

[nb482]

Leigh, really? You know better than anyone that a spark can't be "cultivated". And believe me, I tried!

 

OP, talk to her if you must, but choose your words very carefully. As it is you are suggesting she's desperate to get married and essentially persuading her to settle for you. You're also implying you know what she wants in life better than she does. If I was your ex-girlfriend, I would find the entire thing weird and condescending. "Baby, you make bad choices. You should be with me instead!"

 

Wow, did you read what I wrote? I never suggested these things. I never said I was going to pursuade her to "settle" for me.

[nic05]

I think you just described me!

[thecrucible]

I've read some of that Katz's guys stuff, and looked again to refresh.

 

I'm not saying people should look for instant chemistry and spark. I believe it should grow, because if it what isn't growing is fading. But at 4 months, if it hasn't, it isn't going to.

 

The first kiss doesn't need to be magic, but if after 4 months she doesn't whimper into your kiss sometimes and feel a desire to climb you like a tree, how much is she going to want sex long term?

 

Do you feel that desire for her? What does a "6" in chemistry mean in practical terms of desire?

 

I agree. I can't be bothered analysing this chemistry thing anymore for myself. If I can imagine myself having sex with the guy without recoiling and his personality touches my heart, then it's game on. Then we can spend time together and see what happens. I've had it plenty of times when it's a guy I'm super hot for and it all fades into nothingness once the deed is done.

 

But yes, definitely agree that it's all about desire. As I hinted myself, if he is objectively attractive but there's no desire at all then it can't really work out.

 

Leigh's suggestion of what to say doesn't sound very romantic but I do think that it's best to find some way of conveying to someone what your true feelings are so that they get the full picture. Best to phrase things carefully though.

[autumnnight]

It only takes the 1 percent to matter bro.

 

Take the advice here…. you are being used.

 

Bit of a jump, don't you think?

 

I am sure it stinks to be dumped, and I think it's weird she dated him 4 months if thee was no spark, especially if they were having sex. But to jump to "she's cheating" or "she's using you"...

 

Says more about how you view women than actual fact, methinks.

[autumnnight]

You should have a frank discussion.

 

Tell her the reality for most women that want the madly in love feeling.

 

Explain to her that thar you're also not enamoured with her, either, the way you have been for previous girls. But that you would much rarher have her, because you believe you can CULTIVATE the spark and enough passion, whilst also having the loving and secure side of a relationship....

 

Tell her you believe you have a real shot at marriage! And explain why. Tell her you have fallen madly head over heels in Love and you don't need that anymore - You need someone as awesome, kind and generous as her.

 

Make it know that she is what you want, and that you have learnt to let go if the head over heels romantic idealisation we all wanted to feel when we were young. And her if she would consider thus relationship that seems to have marriage potential ans longevity, as opposed to her short lived passionate flings that may feel better than you, but never last?

 

You have to calmy state your piece and explain why you think it'll work between the two of you. The let her decide if she wants to potentially go without children and maybe marry a lot later in life with s man she's madly in love with.Or, her other option is to marry the man she's not madly in love with but can give her kids, marriage and a best friend and partner in crime.

 

Let her have some time to think it over but definitely remind her that she may very well have to choose great sex and stability and family and marriage, over mind blowing sex with the man she's madly in love with.

 

This sounds really good and logical and mathematical.

 

For a passionate person it ain't gonna work. This is not the debate team.

 

You can't argue someone into staying with you. And for me, if someone tried to convince me I was illogical and unrealistic for not staying with them, that would just solidify that I made the right decision.

[Leigh 87]

This sounds really good and logical and mathematical.

 

For a passionate person it ain't gonna work. This is not the debate team.

 

You can't argue someone into staying with you. And for me, if someone tried to convince me I was illogical and unrealistic for not staying with them, that would just solidify that I made the right decision.

 

But some people won't find their soul mate.

 

Most people marry the person that treats them the best and they have Pk or maybe even good sex with. Very few people actually get to marry the one they love romantically the most. The people we fall the hardest for are rarely highly compatible and mutually feeling the connection......

 

Some women really won't get a spark and fireworks and fall " head over heels " for a man who feels the same way......too many people are stuck craving the unhealthy spark that stems from unavailability...... That they fail to recognise a true spark with a decent and available guy....

 

It took me years to figure out how to get healthy chemistry and passion with a guy that was compatible enough to potentially have something long term with......The OPS girl wants a family. She's 32... She may not find her passion and compatability. She may have to do what the vast majority of married people do - which is to marry the person who gets them the most and h as their back RATHER THAN marrying the person they love romantically the most.

 

They had good sex. She just didn't have that FEELING of just knowing. When you meet someone and sparks fly and you have true fireworks, it leads to that feeling of just KNOWING. The absense of the instant chemistry and fireworks means that more sounds creep on because you're not smitten or euphoric. Most women who want kids have to pick 10/10 chemistry with short livee flings OR 10/10 compatibility with someone they have good sex with but not mind blowing.......

 

This is a very real debate. And most when I know had to pick the guy who treated then the best, and not the man they fell for the hardest IN ORDER to have a family....

[Nikki Sahagin]

I always choose partners that I feel that 'spark' with. It's not right or wrong, it's just preference. Some people choose a compatible, comfortable partner and settle into a cozy love. Other people choose that spark. Others seek both. My partner and I are SO different in SO many ways which can be a cause of frustration (although fortunately we do respect and tolerate each others differences), but we do have a spark and that's what led us to each other to begin with.