High compatibility...but, no "spark"???

[neowulf]

I think a lot of people make the mistake of vanishing down the rabbit hole of trying to understand others emotions.

 

In the end man, it doesn't really matter what her reasons are.

 

The end result is the same.

 

She's decided it doesn't work for her. It doesn't really have to have a rational reason for it. Love isn't about following some plan that makes sense. It's sucks when you really feel there's something there worth chasing, but thems the brakes.

 

Never invest in someone who isn't willing to invest at least as much in you.

[deadelvis]

 

My questions:

 

1.) Is the spark an illusion based in lust?

 

Yes and no. It's partially based on lust, but a large part of the "spark" is based on something deeper, something hard to define. Like you mentioned... the flutter in your chest. We feel lust for any attractive person, but the feeling of "sparks" is different than just physical attraction. It's your hearts way of telling you that you've found something that might be real love.

 

2.) Would you leave an otherwise perfect partner who you love spending time with because there is no spark? Have you? Do people who do this regret it later?

 

Yes. I think you should leave immediately if there is no spark. I've stayed when the spark was gone. It's not a good situation to be in. It leads to resentment and other nasty feelings.

3.) Can a spark even form in the first place if one person is holding back and has a wall up? It's so dissonant. I want a spark between us, but I'm not letting myself get too close.

 

If there's a spark, it's impossible to ignore. If you've ever felt the spark with someone you shouldn't (like a married person) then you know what I mean. It's not something you can control, create or deny. If the spark is there, it's there. If it's not, it's not. Distancing yourself won't make much difference.

 

4.) Is this spark necessary for a strong relationship? My experience would say no, but yours?

 

Yes. It will fade over time as the initial attraction turns to real love, but if the spark isn't there to start with... the relationship is not likely to end well. I think long term friends who become partners will never have passion because they never had the spark, and the relationship is essentially just "settling" for the next best option.

 

5.) Why does love stink?

 

I wish I had an answer for that. But I agree. It stinks.

 

Thank, ya'll

 

*Confused in Boston*

 

Answers in bold

[Leigh 87]

Some people genuinly need the spark in order to enjoy romantic relationships.

 

For me personally, I just don't have any will to date unless there's a spark. The guy doesn't have to be hot or rich to generate wild attraction from my end ; this isn't always a case of women needing @ holes in order to get their panties wet VERSUS the nice guys who don't turn them on.

 

For me, a spark Is romantic potential. Yes, POTENTIAL. If they aren't kind, if they're too selfish and of they a aren't compatible with me emotionally and intellectually, the spark means diddly squat. The romantic spark without compatability will fail.. But so too in my personal experience, compatability that's devoid of a spark.... A spark to be signals romance, it is the gateway to those " in love " feelings.

 

Without the spark, I can't fall MADLY in love. I can't fall " in love " to begin with, in absense of the spark. Being highly compatible without the spark, is what it feels like to be friends.

 

I don't enjoy dating with the slow burn. Without a guy who's texts put me in a good mood. Without a guy who makes me grin like an idiot. Without much passion. Devoid of strong or intense feelings.

 

I prefer the spark because it's also the chemistry and the magic. That THING that draws you to a person.... Without a spark it's :

 

No spark = - not feeling giddy with excitement over seeing them

- You don't fall hard for them.

- You never fall MADLY in love with them

- You fall quitely in love without intense feelings

- Love is an action and not some wild natural feeling ( with a spark, love is both an action and a choice over the years, but it's also accompanied by intense feelings that are romantic on nature.

 

Without much of a spark, many people cannot grow into a person. Sparks for me are indicative of my depth and intensity of potential ROMANTIC feeling. I not only want compatability and a best friend in a partner, I want to feel STRONG feelings towards them.

 

It's a personal choice. Whether women choose to pursue the spark or not. Plenty if couples started with s spark. Plenty also, have not started with the spark. Some women only reel sparks with bad boys. Some women only feel sparks in relationships that fizzle. Personally, my friend and I are in sparks based relationships with compatability also. We don't need some bad boy or an incompatible boy for us to feel drawn to them. We are draw to ease, comfort and kindness. Generosity for me turns me on the most.

 

So yes, some women chase sparks at the cost of ever having a meaningful relationship. Because they only feel sparks for bad men who aren't suitable long term partners.

 

Women like me can attest that sparks aren't always a bad thing to chase after...because we don't chase chemistry and sparks at the cost of all else. We actually gauge partners for compatibility. It just has to START with a spark. We do not stick around if the spark Is all we have..... There needs to be a good level of personal chemistry and compatability too.

Edited September 28, 2015 by Leigh 87

[thecrucible]

To me, the 'spark' is not physical attraction though physical attraction is part of it. For instance, there have been guys in the past who I have been attracted to in the past but there was something 'missing', not easy to define but probably an intrinsic sense of incompatibility.

 

I think the 'spark' happens when the person reaches your heart. Physical attraction is part of it but not the whole point of it. When I feel a 'spark', I feel a connection and like I have known the person for a very long time, that we really understand each other. The physical attraction is enhanced by the mental connection.

 

So to me, I can feel more of a 'spark' with guys I may be less physically attracted to than others who I don't feel the 'spark' with but may be more physically attractive to me.

 

I couldn't date someone I was not physically attracted to at all. Like I said, there has to be some kind of physical attraction. I very much believe physical attraction is as more mental than it is in your groin. Women aren't monolithic shallow beings who judge wholly on looks. Certain personas are more sexually appealing to us.

[thecrucible]

For me personally, I just don't have any will to date unless there's a spark. The guy doesn't have to be hot or rich to generate wild attraction from my end ; this isn't always a case of women needing @ holes in order to get their panties wet VERSUS the nice guys who don't turn them on.

 

I think we are in agreement. It's got nothing to do with the guy's objective looks. Like you I find certain guys more attractive than others but it's not influenced by what they look like, more their persona.

 

To me also dating is not a sympathy service I provide to men, nor them to me. So there's no reason I should date someone I don't feel attracted to. Likewise, there's no reason men should date me if they don't find me attractive enough. Dating is not a level playing field where everyone should get a chance. That's just not how it works.

 

For me, a spark Is romantic potential. Yes, POTENTIAL.

 

Exactly. Some men aren't as good at generating romantic feelings in the opposite sex so are less likely to generate sparks. I've met guys I've found attractive but I don't feel a spark for them because they haven't ignited it in me. And yes I do believe this can be ignited by anyone if there is a basic level of attraction (i.e. there is at least an average level of attraction between you). Therefore, a man shouldn't give up and think a woman isn't interested. If he knows how to attract women and build romance, what he looks like does not matter at all.

 

Without the spark, I can't fall MADLY in love. I can't fall " in love " to begin with, in absense of the spark. Being highly compatible without the spark, is what it feels like to be friends.

 

I don't mind the slow burn. But I do agree, whenever I haven't felt a strong enough passion for the guy, it just makes for a substandard relationship for both parties. For me, I can't fall in love. For the guy, he isn't getting the relationship rewards he deserves from someone more passionate about him. I used to 'fall in love' easily when I was a teenager, but I think this was more falling in love with 'being in love' than genuine romantic love.

 

Love is an action and not some wild natural feeling ( with a spark, love is both an action and a choice over the years, but it's also accompanied by intense feelings that are romantic on nature.

 

Yeah I agree. Some people think just because there's a spark there, the relationship should ride a wave on its own and survive all storms. To me love is an action and where there's a spark, you still need to maintain the relationship and keep the momentum.

 

I not only want compatability and a best friend in a partner, I want to feel STRONG feelings towards them.

 

Me too. I am quite a black and white person in some ways. I know what feels right and I cannot play a part or push myself into the shape of a different person just to keep up appearances. What you see is what you get with me.

 

Some women only reel sparks with bad boys...So yes, some women chase sparks at the cost of ever having a meaningful relationship. Because they only feel sparks for bad men who aren't suitable long term partners.

 

That was me for a long time. But I realise now that what I felt wasn't sparks at all. And I look back now to opportunities I passed by with great guys who I did feel sparks with but I just didn't pay attention or recognise it at the time. I'm more confident and mature now so bad boys just pee me off. But I had to get the bad boy stuff out of my system for a while.

[kpl]

spark is nonsense. don't worry so much about what she said its one of those things ppl say when breaking up and don't know what else to say. sometimes ppl can't pinpoint why they want out they just want out.

[todreaminblue]

spark to me is something more something deeper..its like a twinge i feel..a pull.....if i am looking down its the voice that says hey stupid look up someone fine this way goes............that ignites my curiosity to know more about that person...if i feel a spark i normally act on it...havent been wrong really maybe the once about a spark.....its not sexual......sometimes it isnt even physical attraction...i wasnt attracted physically to my ex at the beginning it grew over time..but what i was attracted to was his voice ...the calmness in his voice resonated with me....he has a silky voice didnt match his body at all he was a bouncer /body builder.....and the spark was there as friends..the spark was from both sides.............we lasted fifteen years together after four years of friendship first i was actually with another guy......anyway

 

 

i think after four months of dating, something was there for your girl from what you have written about your times together....i cant say for sure what broke you guys up or if she has walls i dont know her...all i know is that you cant force someone to see your way....like she cant force you to see hers......for me your best response is to cut contact for a while so she can figure herself and her feelings out......then if she comes back....you can decide if you want to pursue a relationship with someone who told you there's no spark......deb

Edited September 28, 2015 by todreaminblue

[lana-banana]

I was your ex-girlfriend once. At the time I was dating a guy who was everything I wanted on paper---gorgeous, established, considerate, compassionate, committed, I could go on---but I felt in my gut he wasn't the one. I ignored my instinct because I still wasn't entirely over my last major heartbreak; that was a guy I just knew I was going to marry and he threw me aside like trash, so what good is a gut feeling anyway?

 

For nearly a year I lied to myself about our relationship. I constantly reminded myself of his good qualities and how lucky I was to have him. (Protip: if you ever have to do this, you probably aren't in love!) I remember sitting across from his parents at dinner once, seeing how happy they were after thirty-plus years together, and I looked at my boyfriend and thought "oh God, is this it?" I began to have increasingly bleak visions of our future together: an extravagant but passionless wedding, making excuses to sleep on the couch, having a couple kids and then embarking on a torrid affair with the mailman at age forty-two. I just couldn't do it.

 

I had already been planning to break up with my boyfriend when I returned from an extended work trip, but it was sped along by my discovery that I had very strong feelings for someone else. My then-boyfriend seemed to know it was coming and took it well. To this day I feel bad for having let things drag on for so long, but there was no malice intended. I just didn't trust myself anymore and was just trying to avoid getting my heart torn out again. I don't know what he's up to now, but I hope he's with someone who loves him the way he deserves to be loved.

[nb482]

Thanks ya'll. To be clear, there is chemistry of some level between us...that's for sure, but it's not a 10/10....more like a 6 or so. She said I'm amazing and we're very compatible, which I agree with. I haven't felt this level of compatibility in years with someone. The problem is she wants all these things and butterflies in the stomach...explosions of passion, and for a kiss to linger on her lips all day long making her want to pounce the person. This seemed unrealistic to me...who on earth has ALL those things? I mean, our sex was good and even getting better. I asked her what happened to past relationships when she felt this and she said they all fizzled out within a year...and yet she still chases it. Why?

 

Since she broke up with me, she has liked a few of my posts on FB and instagram. This caught me off-guard. Something happened last night, though. I was about to text her briefly to tell her to look up at the super blood moon lunar eclipse and just as I sent send...I received a text from her saying the same damn thing...both at the same time exactly. That was freaky, but we had a nice short chat while watching the moon and she said it made her smile. I dig this girl a lot and feel good about her. I'm gonna chase her a bit...fight a bit for her. I don't do this usually, but I've never felt compatibility like this before and I'm not getting any younger, haha. Maybe I'll win her back or maybe I'll end up banging my head against a wall. Whatever. What's life without risk? If people didn't sometimes chase a love after a breakup or rejection, then half of the worlds love stories would vanish in a puff of smoke ;-)

[Leigh 87]

Lastly.

 

May I add, that there's true sparks and false sparks.

 

False sparks are nervousness and fear that you're more into the person than they are into you. False sparks are triggered by anxiety and uncertainty and having to try hard to " win " over the affection of someone who just isn't that into you or is perhaps emotionally abusive. Narcissists can be great at getting women hooked in an abusive cycle because they feel " sparks " only when they are mistreated ( by narcissists, sociopaths and emotional and physical abusers)

 

True sparks are when I met my boyfriend and when my friend met her boyfriend: we soon felt quite sure they were into us. There was just something about them that excited us from first glance. We were psyched whennthey texted and called as opposed to indifference " well he's a nice guy I am therefore lucky to be hearing from him "AND, in addition to lust and butterflies, we also felt comfortable around these men. We didn't feel overly anxious that they would suddenly stop calling or disappear or do the slow fade. We were fairly confident we had captured their interest.

 

Lust and giddiness in addition to the feeling if having " known " them longer than you have j reality due to the high degree of comfort you feel..........is a spark.

 

Couples with sparks and chemistry are the ones who all report that, on their wedding day, they " just knew " they had married The One. As opposed to the non spark and 6/10 chemistry couples who didn't get THAT FEELING! The feeling of just " clicking " and being so sure they are marring the " love of their life" evades couples who don't out ENOUGH stock in having at last SOME natural and initial spark.

 

The huge issue that seems to colour most women's dating lives with all shades of BLACK and leads to heartbreak, is that the majority of people only seem to feel sparks with hard to get, too cool for school, bad boy and the hot but bitchy girl.............. You know how the movie ends here.

 

The spark.. A TRUE spark, that your recent x girlfriend may or may not have been factoring in, is that if total comfort AND butterflies. It's rare. Extremely rare. I've felt it twice in my life.

 

If she is in her 30 and is desperate to have her own children, she won't likely find the spark. It actually takes the better part of your life to find a true, mutual spark. More rampant is the spark that is generated by anxiety and uncertainty when we know deep down they hottie isn't as into us as we are into them.......

[kpl]

Thanks ya'll. To be clear, there is chemistry of some level between us...that's for sure, but it's not a 10/10....more like a 6 or so. She said I'm amazing and we're very compatible, which I agree with. I haven't felt this level of compatibility in years with someone. The problem is she wants all these things and butterflies in the stomach...explosions of passion, and for a kiss to linger on her lips all day long making her want to pounce the person. This seemed unrealistic to me...who on earth has ALL those things? I mean, our sex was good and even getting better. I asked her what happened to past relationships when she felt this and she said they all fizzled out within a year...and yet she still chases it. Why?

 

Since she broke up with me, she has liked a few of my posts on FB and instagram. This caught me off-guard. Something happened last night, though. I was about to text her briefly to tell her to look up at the super blood moon lunar eclipse and just as I sent send...I received a text from her saying the same damn thing...both at the same time exactly. That was freaky, but we had a nice short chat while watching the moon and she said it made her smile. I dig this girl a lot and feel good about her. I'm gonna chase her a bit...fight a bit for her. I don't do this usually, but I've never felt compatibility like this before and I'm not getting any younger, haha. Maybe I'll win her back or maybe I'll end up banging my head against a wall. Whatever. What's life without risk? If people didn't sometimes chase a love after a breakup or rejection, then half of the worlds love stories would vanish in a puff of smoke ;-)

 

I have a feeling sparks to her means DRAMA! She broke up with you, why is she texting you? If you do push and pull techniques of course she is going to want to see you and pounce b/c it's something she can't have. At 33 you need to run! By this age ppl should know better. Dump and move on she is dramatic and this will be a long run for you.

[nb482]

I have a feeling sparks to her means DRAMA! She broke up with you, why is she texting you? If you do push and pull techniques of course she is going to want to see you and pounce b/c it's something she can't have. At 33 you need to run! By this age ppl should know better. Dump and move on she is dramatic and this will be a long run for you.

 

She's not much into drama actually. Trust me. I just think she's confused and misses me. We dated for 4 months, but we spent a good deal of time together...we became not only lovers, but best friends. It's not like I'm going to put my life on hold for her, but I feel like I need to pursue for a bit at least. People do breakup with people and then regret it. I wont get my hope's up, though.

[Leigh 87]

Thanks ya'll. To be clear, there is chemistry of some level between us...that's for sure, but it's not a 10/10....more like a 6 or so. She said I'm amazing and we're very compatible, which I agree with. I haven't felt this level of compatibility in years with someone. The problem is she wants all these things and butterflies in the stomach...explosions of passion, and for a kiss to linger on her lips all day long making her want to pounce the person. This seemed unrealistic to me...who on earth has ALL those things? I mean, our sex was good and even getting better. I asked her what happened to past relationships when she felt this and she said they all fizzled out within a year...and yet she still chases it. Why?

 

Since she broke up with me, she has liked a few of my posts on FB and instagram. This caught me off-guard. Something happened last night, though. I was about to text her briefly to tell her to look up at the super blood moon lunar eclipse and just as I sent send...I received a text from her saying the same damn thing...both at the same time exactly. That was freaky, but we had a nice short chat while watching the moon and she said it made her smile. I dig this girl a lot and feel good about her. I'm gonna chase her a bit...fight a bit for her. I don't do this usually, but I've never felt compatibility like this before and I'm not getting any younger, haha. Maybe I'll win her back or maybe I'll end up banging my head against a wall. Whatever. What's life without risk? If people didn't sometimes chase a love after a breakup or rejection, then half of the worlds love stories would vanish in a puff of smoke ;-)

 

I am the girl who has many first dates and never goes in a second if there isn't at least some magic or some spark initially. If I am not giddy upon hearing from them after first date, I know they aren't for me.

 

But let me explain myself first. I openly admit that my method won't get the vast majority of people marriage and kids.

 

There's a relationship coaches called Evan Marc Katz who has his own website. Hes famous. His whole premise behind his website and his dating philosophy is steeped in favour if compatability first, and chemistry second. He swears that a 10/10 compatibility and a 6 or 7/10 chemistry is the best the vast majority of people will get. That makes for the happiest marriage he says, but ONLY if you cannot past the fact that the one you marry isn't necessarily the person you have felt the most passionately in love with.

 

Chemistry, crushes, falling head over heels, being enamored within girl... They are all just a FEEL. They aren't based on compatability. Evan, the famous dating guru, says that when he met his now wife, he wasn't enamored with her. He wasn't infatuated. He didn't fall head over heels in Love with her. But after dating women he wifely enamored with for 15 years, and having these women all dump him, he decided he rewlly wanted a woman who truly loved him for who he was and could accept all parts of his personality.

 

He is now in a very happy marriage with two kids. Without the sparks based chemistry and " THAT FEELING! "

 

Evans advice will work for the vast majority. Because not many people are going to find a perish they are just enamoured with and feel intense emotions for. At best, we will all meet someone highly compatible ( which is in itself, rare) and we will grow to love them over 6 months to one year. Without must of a spark initially. It's just a matter of finding ultimate compatability and working on sparking chemistry. Of course, Evan advocates that some level of attraction has to be present. You just don't get to marry the person that you have the best sex with.

 

He admits to having a great sex life with his wife..he also goes on to fitness that it doesn't have the same sizzle as the past relationships he had with the women he was enamoured with. He said his attraction to his wife is higher than it has been with some if his girlfriends and lower than others.

 

I personally don't care for having children. And I don't feel any will to date a man unless there is that magic..... Where you first meet and there is just something a little magnetic there.

 

I know it'll take a little longer for me to get Married and find lasting love. But I have a lot more fun trying relationships it men I am passionate about and want to rip each others clothes off, than I did in less intense dating scenarios....

 

I have tried to date men long term who I lacked the giddy excited feeling for. Men who I didn't love making out with. And I didn't enjoy it. I enjoyed being single more than dating great men who treated me well and were compatible yet lacked that draw...that THING that made me smile like a school girl.

 

She just needs to be realistic. If she wants kids, and she's if age, she needs to realise that most people don't find their mutual sparks guy who's also highly compatible with them, until later in life, if at all.

[xxoo]

Thanks ya'll. To be clear, there is chemistry of some level between us...that's for sure, but it's not a 10/10....more like a 6 or so. She said I'm amazing and we're very compatible, which I agree with. I haven't felt this level of compatibility in years with someone. The problem is she wants all these things and butterflies in the stomach...explosions of passion, and for a kiss to linger on her lips all day long making her want to pounce the person. This seemed unrealistic to me...who on earth has ALL those things? I mean, our sex was good and even getting better. I asked her what happened to past relationships when she felt this and she said they all fizzled out within a year...and yet she still chases it. Why?

 

To be fair, we're talking about theoretically the last person she will have a sexual relationship with if she's looking for a life partner. Would you want to commit to someone whose kiss has never lingered on your lips, and who you've never wanted to pounce? I wouldn't. I consider those feelings pretty basic and important for a life partner.

 

Spark is just that magnetic draw that makes you really want to be with the person. Appreciation is part of it. Maybe missing you will create some spark, but will you always need to worry about her getting bored when things are stable?

[Leigh 87]

She's not much into drama actually. Trust me. I just think she's confused and misses me. We dated for 4 months, but we spent a good deal of time together...we became not only lovers, but best friends. It's not like I'm going to put my life on hold for her, but I feel like I need to pursue for a bit at least. People do breakup with people and then regret it. I wont get my hope's up, though.

 

This girl has actually done a noble thing.

 

I was in her shoes and I dragged it on for a year.

 

I know in my heart that I can't settle for 6/10 chemistry.

 

Chemistry and a spark directly correlate to how intense you feel emotions for that period.

 

There is a saying. " the one you end up with isn't the one you love the most romantically "

 

The degree of passion and the intensity if love is based on chemistry. Ever see those people who are passionately in love but fight like cats and dogs and are dreadful compatibility wise yet stay together because of chemistry?

 

You're ok and even delighted with your 6/10 chemistry and ultra amazing compatability. She feels something is missing. And she's willing to risk staying single forever and never finding it, sooner than she would settle for less than fireworks.

 

I am like her. But I wouldn't text and message an ex. Total no contact is best. I didn't want to lead him on.

[Leigh 87]

And the reason she still chases it is because she had much stronger feelings for those men this she did you.

 

Once you feel strong chemistry and sparks and those level of feelings, it's hard to settle for less. You essentially love the person and have less string feelings for the person you have the 6/10 chemistry with......

 

She is trying to get chemistry and compatability. Passion and comfort.

 

Some experts.. Ok, most experts, agree that you have to choose passion and comfort because they don't easily Co exist.

[nb482]

She just needs to be realistic. If she wants kids, and she's if age, she needs to realise that most people don't find their mutual sparks guy who's also highly compatible with them, until later in life, if at all.

 

Thanks, really. I am actually very familiar with Evan Marc Katz's work....been going through his website a lot lately. And yes, this girl is 32 and does want kids and a family. She just needs to realize that everytime she's chased the 10/10 spark, it's failed for her in time and she has an awesome and highly compatible guy right now that thinks she's awesome. Maybe she'll realise this and I'll still be around and we'll get back together....or maybe I'll be gone by then. Who knows? The only thing I do know is, I'm not waiting long.

[lana-banana]

The problem is she wants all these things and butterflies in the stomach...explosions of passion, and for a kiss to linger on her lips all day long making her want to pounce the person. This seemed unrealistic to me...who on earth has ALL those things?

 

Me! Me, after more than a year with my dear friend/boyfriend/p-rn star, and several other couples I know (including one that's been married almost twenty years). Is it all the time? No, of course not. Sometimes one or both of us is too tired for sex or we get snippy at each other. But we are absolutely bananas about each other and it makes the tedium of a steady relationship feel so much easier.

 

Something happened last night, though. I was about to text her briefly to tell her to look up at the super blood moon lunar eclipse and just as I sent send...I received a text from her saying the same damn thing...both at the same time exactly. That was freaky, but we had a nice short chat while watching the moon and she said it made her smile. I dig this girl a lot and feel good about her. I'm gonna chase her a bit...fight a bit for her. I don't do this usually, but I've never felt compatibility like this before and I'm not getting any younger, haha. Maybe I'll win her back or maybe I'll end up banging my head against a wall. Whatever. What's life without risk? If people didn't sometimes chase a love after a breakup or rejection, then half of the worlds love stories would vanish in a puff of smoke ;-)

 

I would avoid reading too much into this if I were you. At the end of the day it's not just about how good she makes YOU feel because love is a two-way street. If you want to try to get her back, then by all means, but a brief exchange via text message doesn't necessarily mean anything. She may be happy because she feels like you're doing well without her and you can move forward as friends.

 

Whatever you do, don't lose heart. So what if you're not getting any younger? Romance doesn't stop when you hit a certain age.

[xxoo]

I'll take the 10 in spark and 7 in compatibility every time. I'm flexible and tolerant and can live with differences, but I need moving sex. Raising kids is hard work and long days, and that sex is what keeps us smiling! Not liking the same hobbies and tv shows (although deal breakers are obviously deal breakers).

[nb482]

Me!

 

Awesome, good for you. I envy it! But, according to experts your success story happens about 5% of the time.

 

I would avoid reading too much into this if I were you. At the end of the day it's not just about how good she makes YOU feel because love is a two-way street. If you want to try to get her back, then by all means, but a brief exchange via text message doesn't necessarily mean anything. She may be happy because she feels like you're doing well without her and you can move forward as friends.

 

Whatever you do, don't lose heart. So what if you're not getting any younger? Romance doesn't stop when you hit a certain age.

 

Thanks, I'm not reading too much into it. I'm not getting my hopes up. It's just that I don't feel right not giving this a little fight. We'll see.

[kpl]

She's not much into drama actually. Trust me. I just think she's confused and misses me. We dated for 4 months, but we spent a good deal of time together...we became not only lovers, but best friends. It's not like I'm going to put my life on hold for her, but I feel like I need to pursue for a bit at least. People do breakup with people and then regret it. I wont get my hope's up, though.

 

This is a hard one, because I don't believe in a spark at all. I think love grows and the spark can grow, I have had initial spark AND the growng spark and both were amazing. While I may not have wanted to jump someone's bones initially after getting to know them and their personality i wanted them more.

 

To me contacting an ex after YOU break up with them is wrong even if you are friends. It is misleading. If she is confused then she needs to sort that out first. I think most ppl who break up with ppl at some point may regret it, my thing is not that much time has passed, if she didnt feel whatever she was looking for then she doesn't feel it now. I think the minute you try to pursue she may pull away again.

[Leigh 87]

Thanks, really. I am actually very familiar with Evan Marc Katz's work....been going through his website a lot lately. And yes, this girl is 32 and does want kids and a family. She just needs to realize that everytime she's chased the 10/10 spark, it's failed for her in time and she has an awesome and highly compatible guy right now that thinks she's awesome. Maybe she'll realise this and I'll still be around and we'll get back together....or maybe I'll be gone by then. Who knows? The only thing I do know is, I'm not waiting long.

 

If she's serious about kids she needs to familiarise herself with the spark versus comfort and compatability debate.

 

I don't care if I have kids so I am with my 10/10 chemistry guy. And if it fails, I'll be single until I find another true connection of mutual sparks. I am just very realistic and know that true connections that are devoid of drama and are butterflies in combination with comfort and compatability, are SO RARE, that I know I'll spend the better part of a decade waiting for the chemistry and compatability combination again.

 

And I am ok with that. Because I do know it's out there for me ( I generate sparks easily in men despite not being model good looking). And I know that I will be HAPPIER single for ten years, and waiting for what feels like a " soul mate " connection where sparks are mutually flying, than I would be dating a 6/10 chemistry guy devoid of giddiness and butterflies.

 

I am actually happier single for years the I would be settling down with Mr high compatability SANS sparks.

 

I know the consequences to my decision. I won't likely ever have a family. Something I've know and been ok with my entire life.

 

Does SHE know the consequences?

 

How badly does she want to be a mum?

 

Does she truly grasp how rare passion and compatability are to find in the one person? It takes the better part of your life.

[kpl]

This is a hard one, because I don't believe in a spark at all. I think love grows and the spark can grow, I have had initial spark AND the growng spark and both were amazing. While I may not have wanted to jump someone's bones initially after getting to know them and their personality i wanted them more.

 

To me contacting an ex after YOU break up with them is wrong even if you are friends. It is misleading. If she is confused then she needs to sort that out first. I think most ppl who break up with ppl at some point may regret it, my thing is not that much time has passed, if she didnt feel whatever she was looking for then she doesn't feel it now. I think the minute you try to pursue she may pull away again.

 

Sorry I tried to edit this...basically I'm saying that I don't believe in the spark but believe love can grow not the spark but just chemistry.

[Leigh 87]

I'll take the 10 in spark and 7 in compatibility every time. I'm flexible and tolerant and can live with differences, but I need moving sex. Raising kids is hard work and long days, and that sex is what keeps us smiling! Not liking the same hobbies and tv shows (although deal breakers are obviously deal breakers).

 

Me too. I am so flexible when it comes to compatability. I'd change for them. And because of their passionate and intense love for me, they would compromise too.

 

The problem is, apparently, according to most experts, the 10/10 passion and chemistry rarely happen with 7/10 compatibility. Apparently, the higher on the passion scale, the LESS compatability.

 

Apparently, sky high chemistry and lust and passion nearly always go hand in hand with 3/10 compatibility.

[nb482]

Me too. I am so flexible when it comes to compatability. I'd change for them. And because of their passionate and intense love for me, they would compromise too.

 

The problem is, apparently, according to most experts, the 10/10 passion and chemistry rarely happen with 7/10 compatibility. Apparently, the higher on the passion scale, the LESS compatability.

 

Apparently, sky high chemistry and lust and passion nearly always go hand in hand with 3/10 compatibility.

 

Honestly, from what she's said, I think this girl wants 10/10 chemistry and 10/10 compatibility. *Rolls eyes* She's not a dumb girl either...I wonder when she'll see the absurdity in it. When she broke it off, I asked her to talk to some of her friends and family who have been happily married or in a happy LTR and get their take. I hope she does it. For her own sake. I know what her mom would say at least because she likes me and was probably confused with her daughter when she heard of it, haha.

Edited September 29, 2015 by nb482