High compatibility...but, no "spark"???

[nb482]

Hi all,

I'm a 33yr old grad student wrapping up my degree. I started dating an amazing girl early this summer and it's been going great...until two nights ago when she broke it off suddenly. It was a shock. We've been dating for 4 months and usually spend most of each weekend together...we've been having sex for most this time. We have so much in common, we're physically attracted to one another, and we get along amazingly. Hell, I think we're more compatible than I've been with previous longterm relationships. I was really starting to fall for this one...a lot. I ended a LTR a few years back and have since been dating regularly. This girl is the first who really got me excited.

 

She get's in touch the other night and says I'm amazing and things have gone well, but she just doesn't feel a spark with me. I was taken aback because I've never been dumped for that before. I don't even think I believe in the "spark". I never feel it, except for once in awhile when I have crazy chemistry with someone initially, but it always fizzles out and I realize my mind was playing games with me. She says I'm perfect, but she wants "flutters" and to think about kissing me all day long. This sounds like lust, not love. And no, I'm not too nice or too available...I'm a smartass and a damn busy PhD student for Christsake, haha.

 

Another thing is that she's been a bit emotionally distant since we've met. I've tried to get to know her well, and think that I have, but she rarely digs deep into me. Our conversations always go well and are fun, but she rarely asks about my family, friends, research, goals, etc. But, she'll tell me all these things about herself..I've even met and hung with her family already and they love me! She has had trouble with past relationships and I wonder if she's afraid to get close...or if that's part of it. She's had two failed marriages, one when way too young and the other fell apart during a really rough emotional time for her partner. Her last recent relationship, her BF just suddenly left her after 1 1/2 years...this one she really wont talk much about either.

 

It feels as though she's had a emotional wall between us since we met and I'm not sure it's because of me, personally. We always have such a great time together, though. I've been very patient with her in trying to break down this wall and just when it feels like she might get a bit warmer...she bails. I'm 33 and had my share of relationships. I've dated a ton and I know just what I want. She fit the bill pretty well :-/

 

My questions:

 

1.) Is the spark an illusion based in lust?

 

2.) Would you leave an otherwise perfect partner who you love spending time with because there is no spark? Have you? Do people who do this regret it later?

 

3.) Can a spark even form in the first place if one person is holding back and has a wall up? It's so dissonant. I want a spark between us, but I'm not letting myself get too close.

 

4.) Is this spark necessary for a strong relationship? My experience would say no, but yours?

 

5.) Why does love stink?

 

Thank, ya'll

 

*Confused in Boston*

Edited September 26, 2015 by nb482

[Jules Dash]

That is a bummer. Sorry this happened to you but people want what they want and we can't force them to look through our glasses.

 

She felt very comfortable with you but she wants someone who gives her butterflies. You are probably a really great guys but it takes more than being really great to have that solid connection for a long lasting relationship.

[Guyouthere]

She isn't that into you.

 

You can make what you want of it, but overall I would date others.

[Villainous]

My guess is there's another guy she's interested in. It's almost always the case for a sudden breakup initiated by the female. The no-spark excuse is her way of avoiding guilt (and she may be telling the truth about that). But I'd put my money on there being another guy.

[nb482]

That's just my point. In order for a "spark" to form, don't both people need to be somewhat receptive to it and open? How can any passion emerge between two people when one of them keeps a wall up? I can't see that it was me that made her put the wall up...it was there when we met. Yet we still had an enjoyable 4 months together. How much better could it have been if she didn't hold back and let it happen. If there's a spark even with a wall up, It's likely that it's just one of those quick obsessions you get for people that eventually fizzle out and leave you wondering, what the hell took over me? No? I mean, in order for love and passion to develop you have to open up and become a bit vulnerable, don't you? You can't search for a spark with people without offering yourself into the mix.

 

I just don't get it. She has said her past relationships that started with an instant spark always fizzled out, yet she still chases it. All my LTR have never started that way...it was always gradual to build.

 

I'm just frustrated. I would never want to force something, but I see such potential with her.

 

Thanks for the reply.

[nb482]

My guess is there's another guy she's interested in. It's almost always the case for a sudden breakup initiated by the female. The no-spark excuse is her way of avoiding guilt (and she may be telling the truth about that). But I'd put my money on there being another guy.

 

That's always a possibility, but I know it's not the case with this girl. There is no other guy right now...I'm 99% sure of that.

[nb482]

She isn't that into you.

 

You can make what you want of it, but overall I would date others.

 

If she wasn't into me...why would we be spending so much time together and why would she have me over to hang with her family? If you're not "into" someone, you typically don't do these things...I wouldn't. She invited me to her sister's damn baby shower!

[casey.lives]

a spark is friction at work. it's conflict of some kind. it's an obstacle .. subconscious wise or any really.. a spark is an opening .. like the big bang.

 

No butterflies at the beginning doesn't spell doomed but if your in a hurry to fall in love.. find a married person with kids.. or your best friends boyfriend Butterflies GALLOR

 

love comes in all different shapes and sizes.. there is no one size fits all. closed minded or inexperienced people have difficulty with this.

[Guyouthere]

That's always a possibility, but I know it's not the case with this girl. There is no other guy right now...I'm 99% sure of that.

 

It only takes the 1 percent to matter bro.

 

Take the advice here…. you are being used.

[casey.lives]

you should forget about her. your personalities don't jive and ... you're not what she needs.

[Ami1uwant]

My explanations:

 

1. There is someone else she just met that she is interested in the new car smell

2. Her emotional distance is something with her where she thinking this relationships is at a big point and so she ends it. Maybe there is a deep secret she is hiding and font want to talk about it.

3. Maybe there is something with you she found out that she does not like. No spark is the easy out.

 

As for the spark...I think that is An easy out.

 

With me I had a gf and it lasted 3.5 yrs. she ended it claiming no spark. I didn't believe it because the no spark is something you get around 3.5 dates...not 3.5 yrs.

[Jules Dash]

My guess is there's another guy she's interested in. It's almost always the case for a sudden breakup initiated by the female. The no-spark excuse is her way of avoiding guilt (and she may be telling the truth about that). But I'd put my money on there being another guy.

 

Now this could be true or not be true but it will only serve to trigger more anxiety and heartache over the whole thing.

[nb482]

Now this could be true or not be true but it will only serve to trigger more anxiety and heartache over the whole thing.

 

Thank you, that's exactly right. I'm pretty sure this is not the case with her, but whatever.

 

Basically, it's really easy to read a post like mine and automatically throw a quick and flippant explanation on it. But, things are typically more complex...especially if things have gone past dating and into a relationship.

 

I'm more interested in the questions I posted, rather than strong guesses as to the specific nature of my own situation. I haven't really given you all enough data for you to form a valid response or understand what my ex's deal is.

Edited September 26, 2015 by nb482

[mike_89]

My questions:

 

1.) Is the spark an illusion based in lust?

 

2.) Would you leave an otherwise perfect partner who you love spending time with because there is no spark? Have you? Do people who do this regret it later?

 

3.) Can a spark even form in the first place if one person is holding back and has a wall up? It's so dissonant. I want a spark between us, but I'm not letting myself get too close.

 

4.) Is this spark necessary for a strong relationship? My experience would say no, but yours?

 

1) I very much do think so. The spark is basically wanting to be with this person all day and wanting to kiss/have sex with this person as much as humanly possible right? I think it is Mother Natures way of saying you could make healthy offspring together and that you should pursue this person.

 

2) I have and I never had any regrets. Had a 6 month relationship with someone I didn't have a spark with, guess what, I kept looking out for other girls and looking to date a "better" girl. I stayed with her for a couple of months because I believed my feelings for her would grow, but they never did. Even though her personality was pretty much everything I could ever wish for the spark just wasn't there and I never wished I could get her back after breaking up. You can't logic yourself into liking someone, sadly.

 

3) I think it can. Once I had this amazing chemistry with a girl who had sworn off dating and hadn't been with any guys for 3 years before she met me. Sometimes it works out that way and holding back won't keep it from happening if you ask me.

 

4) Define strong relationship. I think a spark is necessary for having a great and healthy sex life but I think you can have a very strong relationship without the spark. I just think you'd be lacking a good sex life and I also think you'd cheat on your partner (or worse, leave your partner) if you were to meet someone you did have a spark with while still together.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Spark is an instinctive feeling of attraction. It has little to do with someone's emotional walls. While it's mostly physical, it's one thing that differentiates friendship from love.

 

Occasionally people that are very romantically inexperienced have unrealistic ideas about sparks and love. Given that this woman has been married twice, she has felt "it" before and therefore knows what "it" feels like.

 

Trying to justify it like you are sounds like "she dumped me because she loved me too much" argument.

[Imajerk17]

I have a different take on this.

 

I do feel that there is a tendency to blame the guy too much in a situation such as these. We tend to say too often that the relationship failed because he didn't adequately "spark attraction". I'm not convinced that it the case here.

 

Two failed marriages and one more failed LTR on top of that--it is quite possible that this woman just has a bad picker, as un-PC as it may be to acknowledge.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Yeah, you can't date for 4 months and say there's "no spark", it's just an excuse.

[nb482]

I have a different take on this.

 

I do feel that there is a tendency to blame the guy too much in a situation such as these. We tend to say too often that the relationship failed because he didn't adequately "spark attraction". I'm not convinced that it the case here.

 

Two failed marriages and one more failed LTR on top of that--it is quite possible that this woman just has a bad picker, as un-PC as it may be to acknowledge.

 

 

Thanks for not blaming me, haha :-)

 

I think I agree. To be clear: her first marriage was when she was very young (23) and he was in his mid 30's...that was a mistake that lasted less than a year. The 2nd marriage was a few years ago and not based in love, so much. She married a guy she had been dating quickly at a courthouse so they could move in together...it was a weird apartment thing. That lasted less than a year too. The failed LTR was with a guy that she really liked, but he just suddenly bailed after a little over a year...told her it was him not her. She hasn't had the best luck, really.

 

Maybe she's a bad picker? Yeah. Maybe she should have given us a bit more time....everything else was going smooth. But, that's my bias, haha.

 

Also, to hell with being PC :-p

[nb482]

Yeah, you can't date for 4 months and say there's "no spark", it's just an excuse.

 

I'm inclined to agree. After a few dates? Sure. A few months of steady and otherwise smooth dating? Eh. You don't bring a guy you feel nothing for to your own sisters baby shower with your whole family.

 

I just have to stop myself from over-analyzing it all....but, that's my nature...I analyze things...I like to understand things. Sometimes that's impossible with love and dating.

[xxoo]

I have a different take on this.

 

I do feel that there is a tendency to blame the guy too much in a situation such as these. We tend to say too often that the relationship failed because he didn't adequately "spark attraction". I'm not convinced that it the case here.

 

I don't think "no spark" means blaming the guy for not sparking attraction. I think of it as a mismatch, with the result being that someone isn't feeling compelling attraction. It doesn't mean he did anything wrong, just isn't for her.

 

That said, I agree that this woman probably has a bad picker. Probably she was trying a different approach (someone who is good for her on paper, vs someone who she feels magnetically drawn toward) hoping that the spark would grow, gave it time, and it didn't. Still not the op's fault. maybe she needs drama to feel the spark, who knows?

 

But I'd take her at her word that she didn't feel spark. She's probably disappointed, too.

[katiegrl]

I'm inclined to agree. After a few dates? Sure. A few months of steady and otherwise smooth dating? Eh. You don't bring a guy you feel nothing for to your own sisters baby shower with your whole family.

 

I just have to stop myself from over-analyzing it all....but, that's my nature...I analyze things...I like to understand things. Sometimes that's impossible with love and dating.

 

nb, I am thinking what she meant was she does not feel the spark "anymore."

 

In others words, she *was* into you, but now she's not.

 

She could be fickle, who knows. Feelings change... especially during the first few months.

 

Sorry.

[xxoo]

I'm inclined to agree. After a few dates? Sure. A few months of steady and otherwise smooth dating? Eh. You don't bring a guy you feel nothing for to your own sisters baby shower with your whole family.

 

I just have to stop myself from over-analyzing it all....but, that's my nature...I analyze things...I like to understand things. Sometimes that's impossible with love and dating.

 

Some women marry men they have no spark for (no lust for). Sad but true. You don't want to be that guy, so it's better that she recognized it wasn't working for her and moved on.

[nb482]

and then....she likes something I just posted to Instagram 2 days after breaking up with me! Good lord, life is dumb sometimes.

 

Thanks for all the comments.

Edited September 27, 2015 by nb482

[phineas]

and then....she likes something I just posted to Instagram 2 days after breaking up with me! Good lord, life is dumb sometimes.

 

Thanks for all the comments.

 

And why is she still on your social media?

if a woman drops me with a lame excuse that almost always means she met someone else I delete them.

[nb482]

And why is she still on your social media?

if a woman drops me with a lame excuse that almost always means she met someone else I delete them.

 

Because she hasn't met someone else. I spoke with her mom and sister, who I'm close with. She still lives with her mom, temporarily. They think she's confused and they both expressed disappointment because they like me and saw us as a good fit. They understand she has had a "bad picker" in the past. It's always a possibility, sure. But, not in my case. I don't usually drop ex's from social media unless they were complete jerks or obsessive toward me. It's one thing to keep them on social media, but it's another thing to stalk them. I'm no stalker. I don't delete, I just unfollow. It's easy to make generalizations here, but no two situations are alike.

Edited September 27, 2015 by nb482