Author Guyouthere Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 Because they're manipulative and deceitful, entering the business world where there's no room for sentiments is like a duck taking to water, but when it comes to a relationship they're unable to switch off the light like other people, hence the problems. She never said that but she did admit once believe it or not to why she puts on a façade. Something to the effect of "I don't want to show you or anyone that I'm soft". OMG, It was so refreshing I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. That is at the core of narcissism. I have been reading a lot of info on this and agree with the cause as well (as they suspect). It stems from their childhood and directly involves self esteem.
Maggie4 Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 What made you suspicious? Were there times he made you feel less than he was? Talked down to you…. like you were a child? Did he ever say things like "I am very mature for my age"? You mean suspect he was a narcissist? Well, I don't know if he has the disorder, I think he fits some of the characteristics, but I'm no doc. Oh no, he didn't say those things you listed above, nor was he grandiose or dominating. He did always insist the way he does something is the only right way to do it. He was an orphan, and he has "special status" because special angels look after him. He suddenly ended it when something in his past came to light which was not a big deal but it made him look bad. I guess he couldn't go on with a broken facade. He went into a rage and scolded me for whatever (I don't remember).
Author Guyouthere Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 You mean suspect he was a narcissist? Well, I don't know if he has the disorder, I think he fits some of the characteristics, but I'm no doc. Oh no, he didn't say those things you listed above, nor was he grandiose or dominating. He did always insist the way he does something is the only right way to do it. He was an orphan, and he has "special status" because special angels look after him. He suddenly ended it when something in his past came to light which was not a big deal but it made him look bad. I guess he couldn't go on with a broken facade. He went into a rage and scolded me for whatever (I don't remember). It sounds very much like he had some other disorder, perhaps not NPD. I say that after all of the research I have read out there. They have specific traits that are there, grandiose being one of them. Mine also mentioned that she could "see lights" at times too. I brushed it off as an overactive imagination. Lack of self esteem is a core to many disorders, many seem to stem from that and have that in common. Lack of self esteem originates from lack of love. And that explains a lot, because this one I am talking about, she was afraid of intimacy as well. I found that odd. She loved sex, boasted she went for 8 hours with her ex, yet when we got into bed, she criticized me for "not doing it right", and "not knowing how to kiss". That was our first experience,,,, I was hurt from that ever since, and we tried it again, only she did the same, but proceeded to "teach me". I think this was a major problem, I overlooked, but it played on me, and played on me hard… and I eventually told her "I do it as feel is right". I held her all night that night after trying but the passion wasn't there. I believe someone has to be really self centered to even say something like that to someone who did so much for her. I learned right there my feelings didn't mean much, if anything, that it was all about HER.
Siquijor Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 That is at the core of narcissism. I have been reading a lot of info on this and agree with the cause as well (as they suspect). It stems from their childhood and directly involves self esteem. I concur. Amazing how a person with low self esteem can perform so confidently in social situations. They're the masters of disguise.
Author Guyouthere Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 (edited) I concur. Amazing how a person with low self esteem can perform so confidently in social situations. They're the masters of disguise. Mine was told by her counselor that she "has no set boundaries". I believe that makes them open to "whatever is around them", and they adapt accordingly, thus they can do well in social situations, but at the same time, they are hiding what is deep within.. I had hints my "ex" was flirtatious too… she would tell me things like she didn't want other guys… BUT, at the same time… she would "analyze and compare everyone to her ex", including me (she later admitted). She prided herself as loyal, but sent mixed signals in ways. That confused me. I have set boundaries of how to act around women. If I am committed, I don't flirt, attempt to say "I wonder why that guy bought me stuff". She wouldn't come out and say "I love you" to me, and claimed it was because she "wasn't ready for a relationship, or not in a relationship". I think you can see how twisted this all is. As a guy, I need to feel it. I look for some sincere words, not mind games. I am sincere and loyal and that is why I have an issue with this, it goes against how I am. It is why I eventually "let it all out" on her. My frustrations built up, and I "went off" on her verbally. Of course, she couldn't handle that. It was "my fault" I hurt her, never seeing the effect she had on me. I just kept it inside, until I could no longer do so. Then I remembered how she said she would "remove anyone from her past who hurt her", like "kill them in her mind". I am quite bothered by that. For whatever the reason, I still feel that I failed her. Either I really did, or she was a true expert at using me, on purpose or not. Edited September 27, 2015 by Guyouthere
RedRobin Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Mine was told by her counselor that she "has no set boundaries". I believe that makes them open to "whatever is around them", and they adapt accordingly, thus they can do well in social situations, but at the same time, they are hiding what is deep within... Hate to burst your bubble, but I also think it is pretty textbook that women who date much older men likely have some deep rooted psychological issues.... and vice versa. If you insist on going younger (in this case, much younger), then perhaps some of this will come with the territory. Maybe accept that you might share some of these traits yourself?? and that is why you found her attractive in the first place? Just a few things to consider...
Author Guyouthere Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 (edited) Hate to burst your bubble, but I also think it is pretty textbook that women who date much older men likely have some deep rooted psychological issues.... and vice versa. If you insist on going younger (in this case, much younger), then perhaps some of this will come with the territory. Maybe accept that you might share some of these traits yourself?? and that is why you found her attractive in the first place? Just a few things to consider... Younger to me represents vitality and promise. I was attracted to her because she had presented herself psychologically on the same level of intelligence, which I enjoyed and we connected there most of all. She is pretty too, which is an added plus. Sex I can enjoy with older or younger, that is important to me, but not on top of the list. Overall had she been normal and capable of a normal relationship, this would have been a good thing for both. I never sought to control her as some would think an older guy would a younger girl. I/we made plans together, realistic ones, overall she could have had a very good life here or there where she is. I just think she is too mixed up to realize that. I look for stability, commitment, need that to be serious in the relationship. I was married 15+ years to someone who ended up leaving because she was simply too wild on the side to hold on to anything stable (she was a whore). I feel there is a sincere person in there somewhere in her, but that if it is ever to surface for real, it will take a lot of therapy and time. I was willing to stay by her with that, I just think she didnt realize that either. I still hope to one day see her normal and perhaps she can be good for me. Only God knows the answer to that one. It is for sure that I can't be with her now. She is too mixed up. I had a lot of good times with her too. I made her smile, she did the same for me too. My trip there was (overall) good I feel. If she is seeing another guy, then so be it, that just reminds me of my last marriage. First sign of a game being played, and I just go into "**** mode". I think a couple of the worst things she did were tell me I wasn't good in bed,( comparing me to her ex), talking down to me, overall not listening to what I said most of the time, and I also felt she had it in her to flirt, which she did, even though she said she was "loyal to me but not in a relationship". I still don't know what that means. Edited September 27, 2015 by Guyouthere
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