Guyouthere Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 So You Want Your Narcissist Ex-Lover to Apologize to You? | Psychology in Every Day Life | A Publication By Dr. Deborah Khoshaba
menyou Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 So You Want Your Narcissist Ex-Lover to Apologize to You? | Psychology in Every Day Life | A Publication By Dr. Deborah Khoshaba I didn't read the article, but I will disagree and say that yes, they do. Sometimes, but it's only to validate to themselves that they are "the better person". Like crossing your fingers behind your back as you lie. 2
Author Guyouthere Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 Well yes, you are correct on that. What I originally meant was that they aren't sincere at all. To get any apology out of them is obviously very hard, if even possible most of the time.
Maggie4 Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 Ime, when a narcissist is done with you, it's as if you don't exist anymore. Nothing. They can't apologize to someone who doesn't exist. My narcissistic ex-lover cut me off completely. So sudden and extreme it was weird. But in hindsight, better for me because I had no false hope. After I moved on, I hardly remember much about the whole thing. 2
Author Guyouthere Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 (edited) Ime, when a narcissist is done with you, it's as if you don't exist anymore. Nothing. They can't apologize to someone who doesn't exist. My narcissistic ex-lover cut me off completely. So sudden and extreme it was weird. But in hindsight, better for me because I had no false hope. After I moved on, I hardly remember much about the whole thing. Im thinking I overlooked an early warning sign with her…. At the start, she told me to "never hurt her" (as she perceived it), to "never do a wrong". She admitted that she had a dark side, that she was able to control it, and that such things as "hurt" only brought back memories that her horrid ex gave her. Some of her last comments included comparisons to her abusive ex. She told me that she had the ability to "erase someone from her mind", and she might have done that with me now, I don't know. Evidently she couldn't do that with her ex, because subconsciously she was/is attracted to the abuse. She told me she was over him, but I don't believe so. Now I realize that at least comes from her abuse as a child, they block out memories and such. She even admitted to me that she has that "defense mechanism". There was a lot of **** I took that I normally wouldn't in a relationship, but ONLY because I knew how stressed she was. I had empathy that way, but when I see her doing things like hiding a guys profile, innocent or not, that really pisses me off. Edited September 26, 2015 by Guyouthere
Maggie4 Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 Guyouthere, it's always about her, right? She has this issue and that history. You are compassionate toward her, but then in the relationship, you only matter as far as what you can give her. You're playing a bit part supporting role to the star, which means you're replaceable. A narcissist might talk about an ex, but only how the ex relates to her, so she's really still talking about herself. You start talking about yourself, events having no impact on the narcissist, and she has no interest to hear it. I'm just describing what I've observed from narcissists. I don't know if that's the kind of person you're dealing with.
sportygirl89 Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 I only got a closure, a year later because this ex left me when I was sick. Messed me up big time. He only did it to "clear his conscience." If they do apologize it's generally never for the right reason.
Author Guyouthere Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 Guyouthere, it's always about her, right? She has this issue and that history. You are compassionate toward her, but then in the relationship, you only matter as far as what you can give her. You're playing a bit part supporting role to the star, which means you're replaceable. A narcissist might talk about an ex, but only how the ex relates to her, so she's really still talking about herself. You start talking about yourself, events having no impact on the narcissist, and she has no interest to hear it. I'm just describing what I've observed from narcissists. I don't know if that's the kind of person you're dealing with. It was always about her, what she wanted. I can look back now and see that. When I offered ideas, solutions, they weren't acceptable unless thats what she wanted. Concerning her ex, she felt she was healing from that, and maybe she was, but my issue is that I feel I pushed her too much on that. She saw anything I offered as "control", and she admittedly said she had "trust issues" too because of her dad and guys. The problem here, is that I am sincere in what I say and do. Lots of other guys aren't, so I got "grouped" into that category. For her, I believe it was the "threat of abandonment" when I mentioned dating others. I think she felt that she wanted to just "keep me around" while she later told me (after I had given her the ring) that she "wasn't in a relationship because she needed to focus on her now". And she does. I took a narc test for her online, and she passed it well into the narc category. I answered the questions truthfully based on how I knew her and how I know she would have answered them. that right there says a lot.
Author Guyouthere Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 It was always about her, what she wanted. I can look back now and see that. When I offered ideas, solutions, they weren't acceptable unless thats what she wanted. Concerning her ex, she felt she was healing from that, and maybe she was, but my issue is that I feel I pushed her too much on that. She saw anything I offered as "control", and she admittedly said she had "trust issues" too because of her dad and guys. The problem here, is that I am sincere in what I say and do. Lots of other guys aren't, so I got "grouped" into that category. For her, I believe it was the "threat of abandonment" when I mentioned dating others. I think she felt that she wanted to just "keep me around" while she later told me (after I had given her the ring) that she "wasn't in a relationship because she needed to focus on her now". And she does. She said I "crossed a line" when I said that. Basically she wanted commitment from me while she is free to do as she pleases. I took a narc test for her online, and she passed it well into the narc category. I answered the questions truthfully based on how I knew her and how I know she would have answered them. that right there says a lot
Siquijor Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 25 years experience with one and I can't ever recall her using the five letter S word even once. Not part of their vocabulary it seems. 1
NewLeaf512 Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 Ime, when a narcissist is done with you, it's as if you don't exist anymore. Nothing. They can't apologize to someone who doesn't exist. My narcissistic ex-lover cut me off completely. So sudden and extreme it was weird. But in hindsight, better for me because I had no false hope. After I moved on, I hardly remember much about the whole thing. How long did it take for you to forget it all?
Author Guyouthere Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 (edited) 25 years experience with one and I can't ever recall her using the five letter S word even once. Not part of their vocabulary it seems. I mentioned what bothered me, she never said… "I'm sorry I hurt you with that". She did so much as to twist the meaning I had, just simply said "I'm done". Hurt too easily,,, they blame it all on others, thats why they talk down to you too. As a man I don't go for that ****. I "tolerated" it ONLY because I know how much pressure she was under in life, and I know I don't act myself at that time either, so to me, it was "understandable", all of the "questionable behaviors". I think what it shows, is that I really love, she can't, and/or didn't. The "high and mighty, I'm above you" attitude was the worst. She won't have any friends in life if she continues that way. The sad part of it too, is that she felt she had a calling to be a leader, to "lead an army", the "grandiose ideas" the narc will have. I think it was putting her in her place, mentioning that she could be wrong at times, that drove her away from me. To her, that was a big "wrong". I reminded her she is human, and I think that pissed her off, her large ego took a direct hit. After all, they can't do wrong. I never ONCE heard her even say she did wrong. I remember her telling me I "repeat things", as if she was tired of anything I said. How sad is that? Edited September 26, 2015 by Guyouthere
Maggie4 Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 How long did it take for you to forget it all? Not long, about two months. The relationship lasted less than a year but was intense, it was talking about til death do us part sort of thing. When he first cut me off it knocked me off my balance completely. I kept thinking WTH happened? After about two months I "woke up".
Author Guyouthere Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 Not long, about two months. The relationship lasted less than a year but was intense, it was talking about til death do us part sort of thing. When he first cut me off it knocked me off my balance completely. I kept thinking WTH happened? After about two months I "woke up". What made you suspicious? Were there times he made you feel less than he was? Talked down to you…. like you were a child? Did he ever say things like "I am very mature for my age"?
MidwestUSA Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 Is this the girl who lives overseas, is significantly younger than you, and you gave a ring to in under six months? She may be a narcissist, but you're a little quick to pull the trigger, or are really gullible, or both. She's not going to apologize; she got what she wanted out of you, plus a ring she can sell or pawn. And now you're spending a lot of mental energy trying to figure her out in retrospect. Move on. 2
Siquijor Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I mentioned what bothered me, she never said… "I'm sorry I hurt you with that". She did so much as to twist the meaning I had, just simply said "I'm done". Hurt too easily,,, they blame it all on others, thats why they talk down to you too. As a man I don't go for that ****. I "tolerated" it ONLY because I know how much pressure she was under in life, and I know I don't act myself at that time either, so to me, it was "understandable", all of the "questionable behaviors". I think what it shows, is that I really love, she can't, and/or didn't. The "high and mighty, I'm above you" attitude was the worst. She won't have any friends in life if she continues that way. The sad part of it too, is that she felt she had a calling to be a leader, to "lead an army", the "grandiose ideas" the narc will have. I think it was putting her in her place, mentioning that she could be wrong at times, that drove her away from me. To her, that was a big "wrong". I reminded her she is human, and I think that pissed her off, her large ego took a direct hit. After all, they can't do wrong. I never ONCE heard her even say she did wrong. I remember her telling me I "repeat things", as if she was tired of anything I said. How sad is that? You could be 100% right with something and they'll try wearing you down by convincing you you're completely wrong. Mental terrorists indeed. One notable thing about my ex was that in social situations she was regarded very highly because she was outgoing and friendly with everyone. If only these people were a fly on the wall during our relationship. The most frustrating aspect though was that most of them actually looked up to her.
katiegrl Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I mentioned what bothered me, she never said… "I'm sorry I hurt you with that". She did so much as to twist the meaning I had, just simply said "I'm done". Hurt too easily,,, they blame it all on others, thats why they talk down to you too. As a man I don't go for that ****. I "tolerated" it ONLY because I know how much pressure she was under in life, and I know I don't act myself at that time either, so to me, it was "understandable", all of the "questionable behaviors". I think what it shows, is that I really love, she can't, and/or didn't. The "high and mighty, I'm above you" attitude was the worst. She won't have any friends in life if she continues that way. The sad part of it too, is that she felt she had a calling to be a leader, to "lead an army", the "grandiose ideas" the narc will have. I think it was putting her in her place, mentioning that she could be wrong at times, that drove her away from me. To her, that was a big "wrong". I reminded her she is human, and I think that pissed her off, her large ego took a direct hit. After all, they can't do wrong. I never ONCE heard her even say she did wrong. I remember her telling me I "repeat things", as if she was tired of anything I said. How sad is that? ^^Given what you've posted here, why do you want this women back in your life? (Your other threads.) She sounds horrible!! What does this say about YOU that you do want such a horrible person back?
Author Guyouthere Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 ^^Given what you've posted here, why do you want this women back in your life? (Your other threads.) She sounds horrible!! What does this say about YOU that you do want such a horrible person back? Its not that I want this person back as she is now. I know she is going to therapy, which she badly needs, severely needs. Thats a good thing. My hope is that they can fix her, if possible, so that she can be normal, in which case, she could have a normal relationship. It is obvious she can't now, and maybe never. I'm not going to wait around for her, she already expected that, and without commitment on her end. I need commitment of some type to stick around, not be hung on a tree. This is all in Gods' hands now, not mine. I don't think she is a bad person, but a very mixed up one trying to discover and fix herself.
Author Guyouthere Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 You could be 100% right with something and they'll try wearing you down by convincing you you're completely wrong. Mental terrorists indeed. One notable thing about my ex was that in social situations she was regarded very highly because she was outgoing and friendly with everyone. If only these people were a fly on the wall during our relationship. The most frustrating aspect though was that most of them actually looked up to her. She often mentioned that others looked up to her, and for advice. She is a leader. There is no doubt the one I had was extremely intelligent, genius level. She has the smarts, but messed up in other ways.
Siquijor Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 She often mentioned that others looked up to her, and for advice. She is a leader. There is no doubt the one I had was extremely intelligent, genius level. She has the smarts, but messed up in other ways. Mine was smart but in a streetwise sense, not intellectually.
Author Guyouthere Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 Mine was smart but in a streetwise sense, not intellectually. I read that most are way above average which makes them very successful in the world out there IF they can get along with others. Im thinking the "high and mighty" attitude mine has will likely never change. It is part of who she is. I would hope for her sake she can, but I certainly can't deal with that as it is. Basically I took a lot of **** ONLY because I was patient and let her have time to sort herself out, but I'm thinking some things never get sorted out enough. The sad part is that she told me "I don't know what love is". Did yours ever say things like that?
Frank2thepoint Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Im thinking I overlooked an early warning sign with her…. Some of her last comments included comparisons to her abusive ex. I've been there. Like you, I chose to ignore it. At least it was a mistake I had to learn from. Don't beat yourself up. I know it hurts, but just learn from your mistakes, and make better decisions in the future.
RedRobin Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Is this the girl who lives overseas, is significantly younger than you, and you gave a ring to in under six months? She may be a narcissist, but you're a little quick to pull the trigger, or are really gullible, or both. She's not going to apologize; she got what she wanted out of you, plus a ring she can sell or pawn. And now you're spending a lot of mental energy trying to figure her out in retrospect. Move on. Reposted for emphasis Lots of very young people are self-centered and narcissistic... It's practically textbook. Maybe if you weren't so focused on attracting a younger partner at any cost, you'd see this. If I were you, I'd reconsider your dating priorities rather than label your SO's as possessing some mental disorder. Just my 0.02. 1
Siquijor Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I read that most are way above average which makes them very successful in the world out there IF they can get along with others. Because they're manipulative and deceitful, entering the business world where there's no room for sentiments is like a duck taking to water, but when it comes to a relationship they're unable to switch off the light like other people, hence the problems. The sad part is that she told me "I don't know what love is". Did yours ever say things like that? She never said that but she did admit once believe it or not to why she puts on a façade. Something to the effect of "I don't want to show you or anyone that I'm soft". OMG, It was so refreshing I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
Author Guyouthere Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 Reposted for emphasis Lots of very young people are self-centered and narcissistic... It's practically textbook. Maybe if you weren't so focused on attracting a younger partner at any cost, you'd see this. If I were you, I'd reconsider your dating priorities rather than label your SO's as possessing some mental disorder. Just my 0.02. Well its obvious she has a mental disorder, likely more than one. I took all into account, the fact that she had severe stress, I saw all those signs as a reaction to them, but now I know there is more to it. My priorities in what I look for in a woman are still the same.,, and basic ones. I want a sincere, loving, kind, compassionate, fun, stable, and someone who ail respect me as I respect her. Someone who loves me as I love her, because a relationship is give and take on both sides. Yes I prefer younger women because I am extremely active and fit, and I just need to be with someone who shares that capability. I also have preferences,, no smoking, no or limited drinking.
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