prisoner Posted May 20, 2005 Posted May 20, 2005 the thing is that there are a lot of ways that people share things about themselves. sex is just another way that people also have an opportunity to share things about themselves and there are some instances where there are things you will not learn about someone unless you sleep with them. There will alwaysbe a risk. You can get to know someone down to their preferences in cotton source and still have no idea whether they will be a selfish lover. There you go. What happens when you get to know someone and love them to death and then they turn out to not to want to share or pleasure you physically. Emotionally and socially they rule your roost but physically they may as well be a sack of spuds that needs peeling? There will always be a risk. As for introducing oxytocin into this online post/debate: that is a cheap shot. i thought we were just talking here. Otter: you once again prove that jello tastes better naturally than it does in those silly molds.
Author st8toftheheart Posted May 20, 2005 Author Posted May 20, 2005 Originally posted by prisoner the thing is that there are a lot of ways that people share things about themselves. sex is just another way that people also have an opportunity to share things about themselves and there are some instances where there are things you will not learn about someone unless you sleep with them. Agreed, sex is a part of a relationship and needs to happen and is part of growth. But I guess the question was when is that time, what do you need in order to be able to do that? As as we saw that there are many differing opinions of when and what the expectation for it and what the expectation is afterwards. Some have no expectation after sex, some hope to continue to grow in their relationship. I took this discussion as a learning experience. I hold no ill will over anyone, and I thank them for sharing their thoughts with me. Especially Otter, since she put it all out there for this discussion, and I appreciate that immensely. There will alwaysbe a risk. You can get to know someone down to their preferences in cotton source and still have no idea whether they will be a selfish lover. There you go. What happens when you get to know someone and love them to death and then they turn out to not to want to share or pleasure you physically. All good points prisoner. The arguement back to that is that if prior to sleeping with them, you found the person to be genuinely unselfish, understanding and listened to what you had to say, than if you did find them to be unselfish in the bedroom, there would be opportunity to discuss it and make it better. Yes I know, its a chicken or the egg type discussion. I guess it all depends if you prefer to be the chicken or the egg.
blind_otter Posted May 20, 2005 Posted May 20, 2005 Originally posted by prisoner As for introducing oxytocin into this online post/debate: that is a cheap shot. i thought we were just talking here. Thanks prisoner. I didn't even see that part because I have her on ignore (too many cheap shots = I erase you from my plane of existence). But now that you've mentioned it, isn't it great to have higher brain functions so you can have a biochemical reaction, recognize it as such, and dismiss it as such?
prisoner Posted May 20, 2005 Posted May 20, 2005 and there it is. I am going to say it now: moere people should see the world like Otter. you are right. we have the ability. that is what seperates us. more people should subscribe to being available to reality instead of letting the chemistry ruin their day. and everyone else's. it's like when you can tell someone is hung over. it's just going to be a bad day for no reason at all. and you are welcome.
Cecelius Posted May 20, 2005 Posted May 20, 2005 Originally posted by st8toftheheart Yes and she took it very hard even though I tried to tell her I didn't think she was a slut, and its just that her views on the matter didn't align with mine. But yes, I broke up with her solely for this fact and no she never cheated on me. But I did think her views were too liberal, and because I thought they were liberal they would leave for further conflict down the road. Of course this liberal attitude manifested itself in other thing she did/does. So that only reinforced my thoughts on the matter. There's nothing wrong with having standards, and its much better to be the guy who gently withdraws because of this that one of the dudes on these boards lamenting about her sexual past. You had no obligation to love her.
westernxer Posted May 20, 2005 Posted May 20, 2005 Technically speaking, all you need is a penis and a vagina. This is something children should learn as early as possible.
Author st8toftheheart Posted May 20, 2005 Author Posted May 20, 2005 Originally posted by Cecelius There's nothing wrong with having standards, and its much better to be the guy who gently withdraws because of this that one of the dudes on these boards lamenting about her sexual past. You had no obligation to love her. Not sure if it can be called having standards, because that implies that someone may have higher standards than others. Which isn't the case. I think maybe preferences would be a more appropriate term.
Author st8toftheheart Posted May 20, 2005 Author Posted May 20, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer Technically speaking, all you need is a penis and a vagina. This is something children should learn as early as possible. Touche. All this time I thought all you needed was a Barry Manalo album, some metaphoric rockets firing or train going into a tunnel, followed by a stork. No wonder I have been doing wrong all this time. Sheesh
moimeme Posted May 21, 2005 Posted May 21, 2005 As for introducing oxytocin into this online post/debate: that is a cheap shot. i thought we were just talking here. There was nothing whatsoever cheap about it. We are all prisoners of our chemistry to some extent and oxytocin can be particularly difficult to deal with. I am not immune to it at all and therefore it would be nuts for me to sleep with scads of men - I'd be falling for them all the time. And yes, I do know its effects - which is precisely why I avoid setting it off. I think it's critical to understand how our bodies work, chemistry and all, if we want to manage our lives rather than have our lives manage us. Speaking of cheap shots - But now that you've mentioned it, isn't it great to have higher brain functions so you can have a biochemical reaction, recognize it as such, and dismiss it as such? that's one of several so you can drop the holier-than-thou BS
catnip Posted May 21, 2005 Posted May 21, 2005 <---------LOL, shortbus I read the thread twice, and kept wondering what the highly addictive narcotic - oxycontin has got to do with any of this. I've had my jolt of java and am seeing much clearer now ...LOL
XNemesisX Posted May 21, 2005 Posted May 21, 2005 I know this might be a little off topic here, but has anyone heard that your body is supposed to bond with every person you have sex with...that it's supposedly a little beyond your control? Something about even remains of their dna will be forever embedded in your body (if no condom was used I'm assuming). Now, this was a LOOONG time ago I heard about this. But I also read that in the future, they will be able to prove infidelity in court cases. You may someday be able to find out if your SO was cheating on you by finding the DNA of another person in their body (and I'm guessing that they would also have to be able to tell how long that DNA had been there to know if this was a recent affair or from a sexual experience prior to the relationship). Anyway..just thought that was interesting..because even though I hear your body is supposed to bond wtih people you have sex with and it is out of your control..I just don't see how that is the case. OR...maybe after you sleep with so many people you become desensitized to it. Maybe even a bit "hardened" by it if that made sense.
Author st8toftheheart Posted May 25, 2005 Author Posted May 25, 2005 Originally posted by XNemesisX I know this might be a little off topic here, but has anyone heard that your body is supposed to bond with every person you have sex with...that it's supposedly a little beyond your control? Something about even remains of their dna will be forever embedded in your body (if no condom was used I'm assuming). That an interesting notion XNem, but I can't think how medical science would support that theory, as even in certain crimes scences today, DNA can only be collected after a certain period. So my assumption would be that this cannot in fact work? Think of the can of worms this opens? People say to the themeslves, but I use a condom. Well DNA can be passed through by saliva, so Oral sex plays a role in it. Hell, even fondeling has a potential to leave a trace of DNA. Reminds me something my gym teacher said to me. When you sleep with someone, you sleep with everyone they have ever slept with. Probabaly one of the reason I'm so picky about when sex happens or who I sleep with. Now, this was a LOOONG time ago I heard about this. But I also read that in the future, they will be able to prove infidelity in court cases. You may someday be able to find out if your SO was cheating on you by finding the DNA of another person in their body (and I'm guessing that they would also have to be able to tell how long that DNA had been there to know if this was a recent affair or from a sexual experience prior to the relationship). This is pretty interesting stuff. If you come across any links regarding this informaion pass them along. Of course this has some pit falls. Guys who have problem with their girlfriends past (as I did with my ex) would try and get their girlfriends to do a test to find out home many people she actually slept with (as I would have). I have a feeling the LS user group would grow exponentially. OR...maybe after you sleep with so many people you become desensitized to it. Maybe even a bit "hardened" by it if that made sense. For me I just don't understand being desensatizied by sex. Someone once told me that sex is conducted because its an act of intamacy, so the value of the act is of a lesser importance that he actual sharing of intamcy between the two people. I never saw it that way. You can share intimacy without having sex. I have a problem rolling it up as the same class as holding hands kissing or snuggling on the couch which are all form of intimacy. Its a different level of intamcy signify something different in a relationship. At least it does for me.
unsafe Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 I need to know this is going somewhere. Its not just sex. Its intimacy, that we are getting closer and with the hope or feeling things have a chance of lasting. That I real do care about this person and like this person as a person.
darhma Posted May 25, 2005 Posted May 25, 2005 I really think that DNA thing is interesting. I have always lived my life that I have no interest in sleeping with everyone I find attractive because I believe you give a bit of yourself to everyone you sleep with and it weakens your spirit. Maybe I am not so crazy. That said...every man I have slept with has ended up a serious relationship but one. I never really talked about it being exclusive about it meaning something etc. The man I married I slept with the first night I met him. I just know when there is really something going on between me and someone...it is emotional, physical, and just something really special. I have no interest in getting naked just to satiate my hormones...however I think all that serious conversation just ruins it. Go with your heart!!!
Author st8toftheheart Posted May 26, 2005 Author Posted May 26, 2005 Originally posted by unsafe I need to know this is going somewhere. Its not just sex. Its intimacy, that we are getting closer and with the hope or feeling things have a chance of lasting. That I real do care about this person and like this person as a person. How do you determine that it is going somewhere for you? For me it is time (3-4 months) For my ex it was merely a matter of them saying they were exclusive.
Author st8toftheheart Posted May 26, 2005 Author Posted May 26, 2005 Originally posted by darhma I really think that DNA thing is interesting. I have always lived my life that I have no interest in sleeping with everyone I find attractive because I believe you give a bit of yourself to everyone you sleep with and it weakens your spirit. Maybe I am not so crazy. Very well said. That said...every man I have slept with has ended up a serious relationship but one. I never really talked about it being exclusive about it meaning something etc. The man I married I slept with the first night I met him. I just know when there is really something going on between me and someone...it is emotional, physical, and just something really special. I have no interest in getting naked just to satiate my hormones...however I think all that serious conversation just ruins it. Go with your heart!!! I dunno. I think its ok to listen to your heart but you need time and your brain to be the gate keeper. To ften Ihave listened to my heart at gotten burned. But I put so much importantance on sex, and its role in a relationship I cannot see past letting go, or being with someone who feels like that.
NutellaGirl Posted May 26, 2005 Posted May 26, 2005 Originally posted by darhma That said...every man I have slept with has ended up a serious relationship but one. I never really talked about it being exclusive about it meaning something etc. The man I married I slept with the first night I met him. I just know when there is really something going on between me and someone...it is emotional, physical, and just something really special. I have no interest in getting naked just to satiate my hormones...however I think all that serious conversation just ruins it. Go with your heart!!! Isn’t sleeping with someone on the first date really for satisfying your horomones? I mean sure you feel connected – and you can be all rev’ed up and I’m sure a great deal of that has to do with attraction – but I don’t know it takes more than dinner and a movie to get me into bed no matter how well those few hours are spent and enjoyed. For me there needs to be more than that – with some conversation had and things discussed. Your approach and decision is your own, and I’m not saying you made a bad or good choice – but I don’t think you can deny that it would be horomones – lust- fueling the “connection” you feel on that first night.
darhma Posted May 26, 2005 Posted May 26, 2005 st8oftheheart You are right time tells all. I have never heard anyone say I should of slept with him sooner. For what it is worth the length of time for me from when I first met someone...first night (lasted 10 years-married), 3 weeks (lasted 6 years-engaged), three months (lasted 7 years-almost engaged), eight months (lasted 3 months) and 5 years (lasted 1.5 year-engaged). I am 40 years old. I have dated 5 other men for 2-3 months and never slept with them. Dated probably over 200+ men in my life that I never made love to. Point is time is just time. I knew the eight month was a mistake-thought it would get me over someone. However I never did talk about where it was going but I just knew with all them. Sometimes it takes a while to know sometimes it doesn't. It is not just about chemistry...it is about symmetry...timing...honesty...emotional intimacy...it just is something very special. To be with someone that is just nothing...hurts to even think about. That said it can be very hard to not be intimate when you have spent your life in someone's arms. You have to really believe it is the right way to be. Follow your heart but listen to your mind and instincts!!!!
Author st8toftheheart Posted May 26, 2005 Author Posted May 26, 2005 Originally posted by darhma You are right time tells all. I have never heard anyone say I should of slept with him sooner. That line is absolutely priceless. Thanks for the insight and your experiences.
Recommended Posts