st8toftheheart Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Hiya, I know that questions have been posed here before like, "How do you know when you are ready to sleep with someone." And we all know the answer to that, which is when you and your partner feel that you're ready. So I'm curious to know what you need to achieve in a relationship before you are comfortable that you can have sex with this other person? Some people have to just date for a certain amount of time. Others only need and agreement on exclusivity, or maybe that just as long as their is attraction, that's all that is required. What's yours? Inquiring minds want to know.
Merin Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 What I need.. I need to know it isn't casual.. I'm just not down for casual sex. I need to know he is clean.. no STD's.. a lot of people get pissed about this, but it's a MUST KNOW for me and the Guys I've been intimate with haven't had a problem or been offended in my needing this 411.
XNemesisX Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Umm... Well usually I need some sort of feeling that there is exclusivity. Other than that, I am not the best at refraining from high levels of attraction being present...at least recently
JS17 Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 I need to know that it's not casual and there's exclusivity. Also that there are no stds involved . It might not be important to everyone but comfortability is really important to me. I also need to know (as best as you can) that the guy is honest with me. oh yeah, and he has to be ready too
lostinmyself Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by JS17 I need to know that it's not casual and there's exclusivity. Also that there are no stds involved. These are the MAIN things before I will sleep with someone. But there also has to be, in addition to physical attractiveness, a certain level of intellectual and emotional attractiveness.
Illusion24 Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 A couple of glasses of wine/whiskey and a nice blvnt... Oh man but seriously...Physical, Mental, and Emotional attraction. My emotions need to be aligned if not I don't enjoy it. Also, to make sure I'm the only one...
laRubiaBonita Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by st8toftheheart So I'm curious to know what you need to achieve in a relationship before you are comfortable that you can have sex with this other person? Some people have to just date for a certain amount of time. Others only need and agreement on exclusivity, or maybe that just as long as their is attraction, that's all that is required. What's yours? Inquiring minds want to know. it depends really....But a CONDOM is really all that is NEEDED!
bluetuesday Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme Love. On both sides.
Author st8toftheheart Posted May 19, 2005 Author Posted May 19, 2005 Personally, I need time. I wait for about three months before even entertaining the idea of dong that with someone (I made a exception once and regretted it). For me I really want to know someone before I do this, and if we are seeing each other for that long a period I would hope to gain some insight on this person that i: a) Never have her feel that I used her just for sex. b) Never feel used just for sex c) Make and honest go at a relationship before that ever takes place d) learn more about her and her inner workings e) Genuinely having feelings for that person If she can't wait, oh well. I need to be able to look myself in a mirror and respect myself for my actions. Like my axiom says, what we do in life echoes an eternity.
blind_otter Posted May 19, 2005 Posted May 19, 2005 Originally posted by Pocky Sexual attraction. what she said. Sex is sex is sex. It's a bodily function. What changes the act is the context, the act in and of itself is nothing more than naked bodies humping rhythmically and two people busting (sometimes multiple, depending on the person) nuts.
Author st8toftheheart Posted May 19, 2005 Author Posted May 19, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter Sex is sex is sex. It's a bodily function. What changes the act is the context, the act in and of itself is nothing more than naked bodies humping rhythmically and two people busting (sometimes multiple, depending on the person) nuts. Yes but just to be clear the decision to engage in that bodily function is simply based on sexual attraction.? You're sexually attracted and as long as the other person concurrs, you engage in sexual activity regardless of any other criteria?
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted May 19, 2005 Posted May 19, 2005 What do you need before you decide to sleep with someone? 4 Shots of tequila and a condom
blind_otter Posted May 19, 2005 Posted May 19, 2005 Originally posted by st8toftheheart Yes but just to be clear the decision to engage in that bodily function is simply based on sexual attraction.? You're sexually attracted and as long as the other person concurrs, you engage in sexual activity regardless of any other criteria? Nah. I'm random about who I decide to sleep with. Although it's pretty much dependent on my sexual attraction. Now, if you said "relationship" instead of "sleeping with someone" - that would be quite different. But a shag with an anonymous person who I will never see again isn't out of the question. Now, that's just me, though. I'm not saying anyone else is like me or should be like me. I can only speak for me.
prisoner Posted May 19, 2005 Posted May 19, 2005 need: require something because it is essential or very important. used to express what should or must be done. the state of being very poor (as in 'in need'). before: during the time preceding. in front of. rather than. decide: make a decision. settle an issue or contest. the answer is in the question. know what you want to feel after the whole thing is over. you feel one way. you want to feel another way. dismissing all other available options 'sleep with someone' accomplishes the goal. it is the best strategy. you have an itch, you scratch or do you look for something to scratch with? you are thristy. how long does it take to decide what will do the appropriate amount of quenching? are you the type that can open the fridge and stare at the juice and then 'voila' you are no longer thirsty? can you do the same when you are hungry? does the menu do the job so it's 'i'll just have a salad'? if you are horned up can you go to a bar and just 'look'? is there a list? criteria? does it come around alot this question/ answer of yours? personally i need to feel differently than i do. now alot of things can accomplish that goal but sex has a way of satisfying so many needs at once. universal without being normative. few things are.
Author st8toftheheart Posted May 19, 2005 Author Posted May 19, 2005 I dunno. For me sex can't be broken down to an act, or something that is done for self gratificaion or for a feeling of euphoria. So therefore it can't be easily something I enter into. Therefore why I have a larger criteria before I could feel I can let it happen. Maybe I act older than I am, but for me, sex is almost like the endorsing of a contract. One of which consists between a man and a women or partner to a partner, with certain agreements and roles and responsiblities given to both parties. The main point being that sex is only part of the overall scope of building something with someone, and not the main focus. This approach maybe somewhat anteseptic and unromantic, but its ends not the means that count. Now this is my own personal view of course, but sex or the agreement to have sex, has to be more than the text book definition or more than just a shag. Having said that I need the items I mentioned before inorder to engage into that acitivty. I also expect the person I am with to feel the same regarding that. Unfortunately if they feel differently, regardless of what other postive personal traits they have, it is tainted for me because its a fundamental belief of mine. There are many things I am willing to compromise, but this is not one of them. I do not consider a person who sleeps with someone based on sexual attraction, or who uses lesser criteria than mine, a slut. I do however have the right to be with someone that shares in my beleifs. This of course has its own challanges. Its opens the door for many a failed relationships. Also because other partners don't share this belief you give up on relationships, leaving the other person confused. I have been told this once before. "I never knew you would have had a problem with that." But i need to be true to myself. But like love, sex means or its importance means, different things to different people, as proven by this survery.
blind_otter Posted May 19, 2005 Posted May 19, 2005 So you've never like tossed your cares to the wind and had a night of wild, unbridled passion without all this over-thinking? I mean I understand waiting for the right time, or wanting to be in love, or wanting a serious committment, or even waiting until marriage. But the whole sex as contract thing would take the undeniable physical pleasure out of it, for me. Think too much = no nut. Also, you can't honestly expect someone to think exactly like you. It's impossible. Unless they have the same genetics, same home environment and are of the same gender and had no other different variable affecting the development of their view of sexuality. I dunno. Our differences are what make us beautiful.
prisoner Posted May 19, 2005 Posted May 19, 2005 i am applauding your stance while wondering how you got there. i am only wondering what your inspiration for asking was in the first place. did you want to actually randomly gather info or is there something you are not mentioning that has driven you to ask? it's the phrasing that has me? what dod you need? who needs to know that you need something you are having to identify? are you experiencing your (quite profound) beliefs as boundaries to your being happy? there is that sex and the city when they compare the four main characters sex lives and Charlotte gets what she wants in the end: slow certain strong love on 400 count egyptian cotton sheets. the point of the story was what Otter (always read B_O) pointed out: our differences make us beautiful. and whoever told you that they didn't know what you would have a problem with did not know you and should have worked harder to get to knowyou. just my opinion but it sounds as though you are feeling alien. are you? if so, take it from the one eyed one horned flying purple people eater himself: that is when you know you are right. people look at you like you are crazy. and just out of curiousity: what do you take risks with? throw caution to the wind over? is not normative for you? ice cream? music? pencils? just wondering.
Author st8toftheheart Posted May 19, 2005 Author Posted May 19, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter So you've never like tossed your cares to the wind and had a night of wild, unbridled passion without all this over-thinking? Once, and I have regretted it. But that's a whole other topic. But the whole sex as contract thing would take the undeniable physical pleasure out of it, for me. Think too much = no nut. Not so for me. I'm not thinking about it. I am more focused and getting to the know the person, how we interact, and when that's all said and done it can happen. If anything its almost even more pleasing because you have been able to do so much toghether, sex becomes a celebration and not a conquest as some guys feel. Also, you can't honestly expect someone to think exactly like you. It's impossible. Unless they have the same genetics, same home environment and are of the same gender and had no other different variable affecting the development of their view of sexuality. I dunno. Our differences are what make us beautiful. That depends. Are you saying I won't be able to find someone who believes is waiting awhile and letting the relationship grow before having sex? Yes, that may be more difficult to find in this day in age, but not impossible. And to clarify, I am not expecting this person to think the same as me on EVERYTHING, but there are some principles such as this one I am not willing to budge.
prisoner Posted May 19, 2005 Posted May 19, 2005 you must be very patient. and determined. and insightful. are you tryinmg to never miss again?
blind_otter Posted May 19, 2005 Posted May 19, 2005 Originally posted by st8toftheheart Not so for me. I'm not thinking about it. I am more focused and getting to the know the person, how we interact, and when that's all said and done it can happen. If anything its almost even more pleasing because you have been able to do so much toghether, sex becomes a celebration and not a conquest as some guys feel. I don't understand this. You can't do things when you have a sexual relationship with someone? I kind of feel like you are trying to control forces that are not controllable...
Author st8toftheheart Posted May 19, 2005 Author Posted May 19, 2005 Originally posted by prisoner i am only wondering what your inspiration for asking was in the first place. did you want to actually randomly gather info or is there something you are not mentioning that has driven you to ask? As all things on LS its a personal dilemma that drives me to ask the question. I could have asked "is it wrong to sleep with someone so soon?" but I'd rather gather's people opinion than asnwer that question. This question was to get a cross cut of people's thoughts on the matter, in which I could use to guide my own feelings. it's the phrasing that has me? what dod you need? who needs to know that you need something you are having to identify? are you experiencing your (quite profound) beliefs as boundaries to your being happy? I need what everyone else needs, security. In abscence of that, we set boundaries of what the levels of acceptable and unaccpetable security are. I feel I cannot be secure in a relationship if the person I am with doesn't share certain beleifs as me. That being said, I asked this question on LS as I always try to improve myself and grow. So I try to gather other opinions and view them and digest them. I then use that to argue if my belief is still sound or if I need to adapt. Utlimately everything we try to do in life is to try and be happy isn't it? If people are going through the motions just because they following a step by step handbook to living, then it isn't worth it. But happiness means different things to everyone, so this was just an example. In my case one of the things I need to be happy is that the person I am with has my same belief in this. Otter (always read B_O) pointed out: our differences make us beautiful. I don't disagree with that but its our similarities that keep us together. First rule of negotiations, find a common ground. True in business, freindship and in love and sex. and whoever told you that they didn't know what you would have a problem with did not know you and should have worked harder to get to knowyou. just my opinion but it sounds as though you are feeling alien. are you? if so, take it from the one eyed one horned flying purple people eater himself: that is when you know you are right. people look at you like you are crazy. I agree. I cannot rest all the blame on that person, it was the one time I threw caution to the wind, when I should have kept to my belief. But I do not feel alien. I am unqiue and I accept and am acomofrtable with that. And as both you and otter pointed out, aren't we all? and just out of curiousity: what do you take risks with? throw caution to the wind over? is not normative for you? ice cream? music? pencils? just wondering. I take risks all the time. But with all risk you have to decide where the buck stops. I just have some very clear areas such as this one where the buck has stopped.
Author st8toftheheart Posted May 19, 2005 Author Posted May 19, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter I don't understand this. You can't do things when you have a sexual relationship with someone? You can. But the stakes are larger once you have sex. Or atleast they are for me. There's is more of a bond with that person after sex than there is before it. Which makes the situation more complex to get out of. Mind you this is one of the down sides of believing in things as I do. I kind of feel like you are trying to control forces that are not controllable... Everybody likes come level on control in their life. It may be only an illusion on control, but it can bring some comfort and help deal with things.
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