Lillyan95 Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 (edited) Hey everyone ! This might be long but I really appreciate you guys take the time to read this and leave your best input about my situation! About 7 months ago, my ex and I broke up. To quickly summarize why we did was because he felt like our personalities don't mesh and he honestly didn't see us going anywhere because he doesn't know what he wants. It was very sudden and I took it very very hard. I honestly thought I was going emotionally sick. Look back at it when everything happened makes me cringe. Anyway I suffered greatly. We were together for nearly 3 years and just recently I found out he's got a new gf. They've been dating for little over a month now. I never initiated contact at all because I just couldn't, I only did it once to wish him a happy birthday. But other than that he's reached out to me here and there to check on me but nothing serious. All it did was get my hopes up... He wanted friendship and I said I couldn't and needed to be selfish. I'm not gonna lie, I'm still trying to mend my broken heart even though it's been 7 months since the breakup, he was my first love... I can't help but still feel at loss for him. When I was on fb he posted up his relationship status with his new gf. I'm just feeling a little set back, i honestly thought I was doing better and I did things to get this far. Went to the gym, focused in school, made new friends. I pretty much did everything to help get over this rut. Right now im feeling quite devastated, still heartbroken and all I could think about is im replaced... How could he just move on after everything we built and shared. It boggles my mind because I'm still not ready for a relationship (but I'm open to talking to people of course) but a relationship?.... No where near ready.. Even if I was in one, it wouldn't be as genuine and that's not fair for the other person. Is it normal that im still going through all these emotions and can't help but feel like he's so much happier with this new gorgeous girl... It's unfair how he could get away with leaving me behind trying to pick up the pieces of my broken heart while he found a new love interest.... I doubt it's a rebound because it's been 7 months since tge breakup... Am I pathetic for thinking he moved on that fast or am I just still grieving.... I feel like everyone around me is happy but don't get me wrong. Everything in my life is great but I still have my dark moments because of him and how he handled the breakup. It was out of nowhere and nothing lead up to it... It just happened.. Also about a week ago my ex reached out to me and keep in mind I thought he was gonna tell me about his new gf and it's been 2 months no contact but asked when I want my stuff back, so I found it really odd because it's been months he's had them.... But chooses now to ask lol.. but respectly I said to throw it away. He tried making conversation stating that hopefully im doing well and my college semester isn't going too crazy. Because I'm a nursing major lol. But I kept it blunt and short... So what should I do... I see pics of them so happy and in love I believe... I might sound bitter but it's so unfair how everything worked out for him while I still am trying to figure things for myself.. What do you guys think... What's wrong with me.. I hate how I'm still struggling to move on Edited September 26, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraphs, please use them
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 You need to understand one thing: The 'sudden, out of the blue' breakup is your perception of the way things happened - but in all probability, it was probably something he had been contemplating for a while longer than you might imagine. When people break up 'suddenly', it's usually an inaccurate perception. Which is why he managed to move on so quickly. It wasn't something 'sudden' to him. Hell, it's even possible she was already waiting in the wings. In this case, it's unlikely, but other scenarios have proven this to be the case.... You may go into denial about this, or refute the idea citing situations in which he couldn't possibly have been talking to anyone else.... But 9 times out of 10, those dumped delve a little deeper, and find things out they'd rather not have known... I suggest you let that aspect of the 'sudden break-up' lie undisturbed. It's more likely that he met her recently, but this is because his heart wasn't broken... You need to come to terms with the fact that this ended a lot sooner for him, than it did for you. He was over this way before you even heard his reasons.... 2
Author Lillyan95 Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 Yea I agree, and I think that's why its so hard for me to come to terms with. I feel lousy for not knowing but apparently he's been feeling uncertain for months prior to the breakup and I kinda feel pathetic for thinking we were fine. I know he's way ahead of me while I'm still trying to make sense out of everything and it sucks.
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 Yea I agree, and I think that's why its so hard for me to come to terms with. I feel lousy for not knowing but apparently he's been feeling uncertain for months prior to the breakup and I kinda feel pathetic for thinking we were fine. Be honest now. Stop, and think carefully. Were you really totally, utterly blissfully unaware that anything at all, was wrong, or did you detect little signs, hints, min-red-flags that were there as warnings - but you ignored because you didn't want to believe them? It happens many times that those dumped out of the blue, actually then admit it was a deep turquoise, with hints of red.... Did you 'see' things you didn't want to think too much about for fear of having your suspicions confirmed? I know he's way ahead of me while I'm still trying to make sense out of everything and it sucks. He's not 'way ahead of you'. He's exactly where he wanted to be. Away from you. You're stuck in suckie-land, because it's where you've chosen to stay. You need to accept this, completely. You need to let it go, and quit being attached to the idea of his being ahead, because all you're doing is manufacturing and perpetuating resentment and confusion. It's all self-made. You need to quit keeping yourself stuck in suck-mode.
Author Lillyan95 Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 I really am trying, you have no idea how much I just want to put this in the past. But I can't help with what I'm feeling or ignore it. I went through so much and it yet still comes up to my face. I'm more upset how he got his wishes and perfect little set up with his new gf. I feel pathetic for caring and still having him in my head when I know he doesn't give a thought of me. And after we broke up I actually did see the red flags. He was distant and wasn't too affectionate and responsive. We argued a lot also. I made my mistakes due to me feeling insecure of myself and I took it out on us. It got to the point where we did actually compromise everything when we argued and it got better. Then soon after he slowly was pulling away. He kinda of kept this idea in his head and it just makes sense now but I guess I was too consumed in the relationship I blocked out every negative thought of us. It's hard to explain, but I know in my head I want to move on and not care and be happy. But my heart is holding on to something that is causing me to still feel broken. And I know the worst has came, and I still just can't get past it. I know I don't deserve to still feel this way.
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 Louise Hay once wrote something in her book "You can Heal Your Life" which stated "A thought is only a thought; and a thought can be changed." And trite and simplistic as it may sound - she's right. The Mind is like a muscle. it needs training to stay in shape. And you have to re-train your Mind, to create a better mind-set. You need to catch these snow-balling thoughts and work to quit making them gather speed and rolling down the hill and running away from you. Each time you notice your mind beginning to dwell on a pattern of thoughts which a plainly not conducive to your current happiness, stop it. I mean it. Stop it. Look at the thought, and think to yourself: This is not who I am. THis is not me, it's not mine, and I don't want it. Then shift your focus onto something else. Anything, which will divert your concentration and attention onto a completely different pattern of thinking. Buy yourself one of these complex, adult colouring books that are so popular at the moment; or Meditate. Read Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now". A superb book everyone should have on their bookshelf. His original and to my mind, best work. Whatever you choose to do, you need to focus on what you think, and change it. Don't examine it, scrutinise it, dissect or assess it. Just stop - and change course. 3
casey.lives Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 "You need to quit keeping yourself stuck in suck-mode." I don't think you should be this harsh on yourself.. It takes time and distance and the birth of a new dream.. and possibly a new you. It's a lot to do. Be patient. Some people are in love with love, more than anything. 1
preraph Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 Tara is correct about it all. And you need to refocus and stop being reminded of him, so you need to block him every way, phone, text, email, facebook and all other social media and you need to get off his as well. Don't even give him the chance to react. Just do it. All he's doing by "checking on you" is trying to alleviate his own guilt, nothing more. Block him and let him deal with that while you find different new things to do and go out with friends and make every effort to stop reminding yourself of him. Making new memories will dilute the associations from the old ones, so that's important. For instance, seeing this band always reminds me of him. So go see the band with lots of other people until he's only one of a crowd. 2
Author Lillyan95 Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 Yes that's what I ended up doing, blocking him out of everything...it's no longer my concern to see what he's up to. I was just shocked about the whole thing. The thought and saying "you've been replaced" sucks tremendously.. It's so hard. I realize I do so much better not hearing from him, I find myself not thinking about him much. It's only when I have a hard time when I hear news from him... Now I'm trying to focus on myself and just the little things that really matter. It's hard to shift my mind on a new perspective. I didn't think I would still find myself still heartbroken 7 months later. But I no longer have control on the situation... But I guess only my actions. I just want to be fully ok and satisfied again.
Dolfin80 Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 Your're grieving hun. It's completely normal. Gosh, I think I grieved for 2 years after my breakup. It does take a long time to grieve the loss of a loved one. I found blocking them useful cause then you can focus on your own life. Allow yourself to grieve, it's completely normal. Get yourself a book on grieving. "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" is a good book and find a good psychologist that can support you through this grief. And most importantly, be kind and nurture yourself through this difficult time.
Mrlonelyone Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Your're grieving hun. It's completely normal. Gosh, I think I grieved for 2 years after my breakup. It does take a long time to grieve the loss of a loved one. I found blocking them useful cause then you can focus on your own life. Allow yourself to grieve, it's completely normal. Get yourself a book on grieving. "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" is a good book and find a good psychologist that can support you through this grief. And most importantly, be kind and nurture yourself through this difficult time. When you really love them and it's really real not just infatuation.... then you will grieve the loss for a long while. IT is ok to grieve the end of a really real relationship. (which is not just about length by quality. People can be in a really casual relationship for years and not have much more than sex and comfort.)
Author Lillyan95 Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 I know I'm still grieving, it just shows that Im genuinely in love with him and it feels like I'll never get off of that and im terrified. I don't want to be heartbroken anymore and it seems like I'll never be detach. Is this normal? I want to let go and move on. Apparently I thought I was until I found out the news about his new love interest. I'm going thru a lot still and im trying to not focus so much on it. This is hard because he was also my first love.
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