purpledooze Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 6 months post-breakup 11 days since he last tried to reach out to me asking how my work was doing I ignored him and stuck to NC. He knows I'm actively ignoring his messages because he can see that I'm talking to people in group chats at work on Skype. Today happens to be my birthday. Last year, he flew in 4 hours to be with me. Bought me a necklace, candlelight dinner. Him sneaking out to buy me a cake while I sat waiting at a park bench wearing his leather jacket. I miss him. I don't know if he's forgotten my birthday or if he's upset that I'm ignoring him now. Maybe he was upset that I didn't greet him on his birthday. When I come online on Facebook, I can see that he immediately goes offline. I feel like he's avoiding me. I'm trying hard not to reach out. I'm not such a party girl but I need to do something for myself for my birthday. Last night, I made the mistake of re-reading our Skype messages back when we reconnected after a month of NC. He was asking me if I was really ready to start hanging out as friends seeing as how I felt hurt seeing him with another girl. He was asking me questions like, "Why, we're not going to fall in love are we?" "Why, are you particularly looking for love?" I dodged the questions, found it weird he'd be asking those. But I told him, "No, not in particular. Love is a decision and it's something that grows out of companionship." In my head, I was thinking something different: I came back so we can reconcile again, maybe. Reconciliation is something two people agree and work on, it doesn't happen like it does in the movies. He said, "I'm asking because people who aren't have very different motivations." I just realized he was questioning my motives: that if I wasn't looking for love, I have another agenda with him (i.e. money, sex). This sort of set me back. And the fact that he hasn't even tried to greet me. I doubt that he really forgot. I know it SHOULDN'T matter, but it does to me. Setbacks..
lop98 Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 and stuck to NC. really.... and yet you keep tabs on him, haven't blocked AND deleted him (convos included) from skype, you even read them from time to time, you have him on facebook, take the occassional breadcrumb, have enough forms of communication so a birthday msg reaches you. You, my friend, haven't gone NC at all, I'm not even sure you understand the purpose of it judging by the little game you have going on (logging on to see if he's logged off, not greeting but expecting a bday greeting). Forecast: you will continue to have many of these setbacks for a long time until you are more disciplined with yourself and understand NC is not a game to get his attention but so YOU can redirect your attention elsewhere by not being able to see him anywhere and then start healing anf moving on. It takes some 90 days to kind of get used to it so the sooner you start, the better... good luck. 1
Author purpledooze Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 (edited) really.... and yet you keep tabs on him, haven't blocked AND deleted him (convos included) from skype, you even read them from time to time, you have him on facebook, take the occassional breadcrumb, have enough forms of communication so a birthday msg reaches you. You, my friend, haven't gone NC at all, I'm not even sure you understand the purpose of it judging by the little game you have going on (logging on to see if he's logged off, not greeting but expecting a bday greeting). Forecast: you will continue to have many of these setbacks for a long time until you are more disciplined with yourself and understand NC is not a game to get his attention but so YOU can redirect your attention elsewhere by not being able to see him anywhere and then start healing anf moving on. It takes some 90 days to kind of get used to it so the sooner you start, the better... good luck. We work together so I can't block him on Skype. I've changed my number, but we still live in the same condo building. We had a child together so for appearance's sake, to show we're at least civil, I kept him on Facebook. The baby died. Before the baby died, we were on block. Since the funeral, I have had to keep him on Facebook. Keeps the questions away. We're both on restricted. We reconnected last June after he was hospitalized for something life-threatening. Though hardcore NC tells me to ignore. I can't just sit back knowing he's probably dying and not reach out. We reconnected after that, caught up, even started flirting, we met each other once and had a great time. Building emotional momentum and finding our middle ground, until his other ex-girlfriend created some drama. Edited September 26, 2015 by purpledooze
whichwayisup Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 You two have broken up, yes? NC is more or less in place, each of you are doing things to stay in NC mode and stay away from each other. Yet you expect or hoped he'd wish you a happy birthday! you two are not friends, not lovers, not a couple anymore. The sooner you accept this and stop remembering what he did for you last year on your bd, the sooner you'll heal and feel better. Hope this makes sense.
Draper Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 First of all happy birthday, I hope it was good despite all of this. I know where you're coming from, as my birthday was last Wednesday. I've been NC with my ex for a couple weeks know, but I did find myself waiting for a message from her on my birthday.. which I never got btw. It's a crappy feeling that she didn't, but I know it's probably for the better and maybe it is in your case too. Good luck.
Author purpledooze Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 (edited) First of all happy birthday, I hope it was good despite all of this. I know where you're coming from, as my birthday was last Wednesday. I've been NC with my ex for a couple weeks know, but I did find myself waiting for a message from her on my birthday.. which I never got btw. It's a crappy feeling that she didn't, but I know it's probably for the better and maybe it is in your case too. Good luck. It's a lose-lose situation. It's a setback either way. Whether he greets me or not. I'm sure he has his reasons. He's told me before, he never forgets and he'll never get over me. But we broke up for a reason. Even I know now's not the right time to reconnect. Just a matter of navigating through these feelings. I didn't greet him on his bday either. I figured he'd just ignore it just like the rest of the greetings on his wall. Edited September 26, 2015 by purpledooze
jen1447 Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 Happy birthday #2. There's the way this stuff should be and the way it is. The way it should be is the way all the NC advocates preach about (without actually being there and understanding all the particulars that can make it so difficult) and the way it is is what you're going thru. I think if you're committed to the 'mission' so to speak, all you can really do is resign yourself to the suffering that goes along with it. It'll go away some day. Just not today on your birthday when all the things you wanted to be come crashing home the hardest that they're not. Hang in there. ((hugs)) 1
start8957 Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 If you want to reconcile and try the relationship again, then say so. Otherwise, you ignore his texts but then expect a happy birthday. I don't think you're being honest with him about what you want. Don't tell him you want companionship when in reality you want to be with him. What if he wants to be your friend but not in a relationship? You will both go into this with different motives, which will end in heartbreak once it doesnt work out, again. It's not fair if you go into this hoping to reconcile and he will not. But if he doesn't want a relationship and you do, you have to do NC. Delete all his messages. Delete him on all social media. And don't check up on him. Basically delete him from your life. When my bf broke up with me I was on FB every hour to see if he's online. Thinking maybe he's talking to someone. It drove me crazy. It was like pulling off a bandaid when I deleted him off everything, it was painful. But after some crying, it was a sense of relief and I can be happy. If you know that now is not the right timing, then you have to let go. You both have to start living your own lives and grow from this, in order for the timing to ever be right again. Either with him or with anyone else. 1
Author purpledooze Posted September 29, 2015 Author Posted September 29, 2015 If you want to reconcile and try the relationship again, then say so. Otherwise, you ignore his texts but then expect a happy birthday. I don't think you're being honest with him about what you want. Don't tell him you want companionship when in reality you want to be with him. What if he wants to be your friend but not in a relationship? You will both go into this with different motives, which will end in heartbreak once it doesnt work out, again. It's not fair if you go into this hoping to reconcile and he will not. But if he doesn't want a relationship and you do, you have to do NC. Delete all his messages. Delete him on all social media. And don't check up on him. Basically delete him from your life. When my bf broke up with me I was on FB every hour to see if he's online. Thinking maybe he's talking to someone. It drove me crazy. It was like pulling off a bandaid when I deleted him off everything, it was painful. But after some crying, it was a sense of relief and I can be happy. If you know that now is not the right timing, then you have to let go. You both have to start living your own lives and grow from this, in order for the timing to ever be right again. Either with him or with anyone else. I ignored his messages as I don't really know how to handle his communication yet. I'm not to take the first step towards contact and then reconciliation. I'm trying to take control of my emotions first. I've been reading this ebook about self-esteem and NLP. Funny thing is, his other ex posted something public and it showed up on my newsfeed somehow. He took her to Bali for her birthday a month ago, but she just posted the picture of her new surfboard the day before my birthday with a cryptic caption, "Thanks for the birthday gift". That post disappeared the day after my birthday. It's like there's a game going on that I'm not aware of and I don't want any part of it because I feel like pain is being inflicted upon me intentionally. Maybe that's his way of getting me to respond to his messages. I don't know. I prefer to be silent for now, but deep down inside I really do want us to reconcile. I told him I wanted to move on a month ago and I wanted a clean break. I need to forget the pain and the aftermath of our breakup before I can even begin to take the steps necessary to become a better person and then maybe rekindle things with him or fall in love with someone else.
Keenly Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 You broke up. Then you went NC. why still expect him to celebrate your birthday.
Author purpledooze Posted September 29, 2015 Author Posted September 29, 2015 (edited) You broke up. Then you went NC. why still expect him to celebrate your birthday. I wasn't really expecting. It's more like realizing this is the final nail on the coffin. He said he was a person who never forgets, that he'd never get over me, and to top that off, he tried to talk to me a week before my birthday. He's trying to help me move on, or he's trying to get my attention, or, most likely, it just didn't cross his mind. Either way, until I'm ready, I have to stay silent and carry on focusing on me even though circumstances lately are really hurting me. Silence is a woman's loudest cry and also her most powerful weapon. Edited September 29, 2015 by purpledooze
start8957 Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 Exactly. You want to forget the pain. Block his number on your phone or politely ask him to stop messaging you. If you want to forgot, you can't have any contact. Block his gf on FB as well as his friends. Who cares what people think, you do what you have to do.
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