JustGettingBy Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 Let me make this clear right off the bat. I have tried for years to learn how flirting works. I've read guides off-line and on, asked people in person, asked in forums including this one, and I am still unable to recognize any flirting done by a sober person, and can not flirt myself. Almost everything can be put into one of three categories: 1. So artificial (over the top compliments, laughing at unfunny jokes) that it feels like outright lying. 2. So over-the top (uninvited touching, innuendos) that avoiding sexual harassment charges sounds a difficult as walking on a flaming tightrope made of knives while inside a tornado where gravity is doubled. 3. So mundane or vague (being polite, joking, laughing, eye contact, genuine compliments) that they seem like things that would be expected in a platonic conversation. The only 'sign' of flirting that doesn't fit into any of these categories is winking, and I hope that most people don't select their mate based on how well the person winks. I have nearly given up on figuring out what seems like nonsense, but not on finding a girlfriend. I haven't seen anyone ever state 'clueless flirt' as a dealbreaker, so I don't think its impossible to achieve. I've been told by friends that I get flirted with frequently, and many of my friends (including women I'm platonic with) say I would make a great partner. Any help would be appreciated.
StalwartMind Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 There are many ways to flirt and I'm sure everyone have their own idea of what it is and how it should be done. I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to have read about it, nor asking others for tips and help, however ideally you need to find your own way to be attract whom you are speaking to. I would say you need to enjoy yourself, if at all possible try to relax and converse in a way that makes you comfortable, while also being considerate of whom you are talking to. It should be fun and if the person you are interacting with is on the same level as you, then you'll sooner or later find a natural flow. I would also say don't be afraid to completely "miss" with your charm, no one hit bulls eye with every single word they speak or action they do. Even two quiet people can flirt, heck you may even encounter someone you initially get a bad start with can end up being completely into you, and you her, it certainly also matters how you choose to present yourself. Some people enjoy mystery, others a mix and some being completely straightforward. I would encourage anyone to stop over analyzing every situation, go with the flow. You will find some are a lot easier to talk to than others, overall try not to be think too much about things and just let them happen. I'm positive someone has flirted with you, much like your friends have said. Understand that some are greatly nervous while doing it, others not so much, basically if you find yourself liking the company of someone, then proceed with that person. Don't be afraid to given them compliments, especially if you admire or agree with something they said. Most of us like being told nice things, but do be honest, it's not a contest about scoring as many plus point as you can. Truth is we just get along some people a lot better than others, no one in the world can flirt with every single person successfully, as we all have different things we appreciate.
GoodOnPaper Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 i know exactly where you are coming from and I completely agree with your three categories. I have never been able to bring myself to flirt in the traditional sense for the very same reasons. I am just as clueless about how my wife was drawn to me as I am about how I struggled so much in trying to get dates when I was single. In fact, I only remember one time in my entire life when a girl actually flirted with me in the traditional sense, and she turned out to be the most manipulative person I dated. Over the years, though, I have thought about this a lot and I think I figured out a few things. First, take the pressure off yourself, even if it means throwing the word "flirt" out of your vocabulary. I think of it as "bantering" and try to let my style of wit and humor do most of the work. If you seem to be getting along well with a woman but not sure about whether it's the right time to ask her for her number, just do it, even if it feels like cold calling -- it's better to err on that side than to be too passive. Besides, it's all practice, and that's the thing. When we're young, it's so easy to worry so much about what others think of us and take things so seriously. If I could go back in time 25 years and do things again, I would totally change the mindset I had and enjoy that it's all just practice.
Maggie4 Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 If you're a guy, it's really much more important for you to recognize flirting. Some guys are clueless when a woman shows romantic interest. Others mistake friendliness for flirting. Flirting with sexual innuendos can be a real turn off. A guy really just needs to make normal conversation.
spiderowl Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 Flirting is something you are likely to do naturally when you meet someone you really like and feel comfortable with her. Recognising a woman flirting is a little more difficult as some women are pretty charming to all and guys get the wrong idea it is directed at them specifically. If she enjoys spending a lot of time with you, suggests times spent together (going to events perhaps) and generally isn't trying to avoid you, then these are good signs.
Frank2thepoint Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 If you want to get comfortable with flirting, just be genuine, and use some humor. Also being opportunistic helps a lot. For example, there is a woman I see about once a day at work. She's just a colleague. She was walking toward me, not paying attention, while writing something on her hand. I asked her if she was trying to write down my number. She stopped, giggled, and went to tell me she writes things she needs to remember and do on her hand. I subtly touched her hand and offered my number for her to write down. Of course she didn't write down my number, but I flirted with her, and made her giggle some more. A guy really just needs to make normal conversation. And attractive.
Author JustGettingBy Posted September 28, 2015 Author Posted September 28, 2015 As general responses, as everyone said something worth replying to: My 'natural' response when I find a woman attractive is to let my inhibitions take full control so I don't get a sexual harassment charge, as since I don't know where the 'line' is, I be extra careful. A big part of the problem is that I can't recognize flirting, no matter how much I read about it or have it explained. These are the problems I'm trying to work around.
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