ashley.lucas Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 (edited) I really need help. Me and my ex boyfriend had been dating for 3 years and we broke up in May and I did a very terrible thing I slept with the kid I liked before him that my boyfriend hated it wasn't for revenge I wasn't thinking and it happened. We got back together in July after I told him it turns out there was a lot of bad stuff I had done in the relationship and I feel guilty everyday. And then he proposed to me in August and I accepted I was very happy and so much in love and then 2 or 3 days later I woke up and had no feeling towards him it was like a huge wall was separating me from him I was so upset about it and my depression and anxiety and ocd thoughts came back. They are worse than ever and I can't deal with them anymore. I have really bad sexual thoughts like there is a male part everywhere I can imagine. If I sit down its there if I breathe in its there if I step on the ground its there like everywhere its there. And it's about random people but mostly with people that I know and I don't want it there. And I have so many bad thoughts about his family and friends like oh if his step brother wasn't his step brother I would date him or if his best friend stopped being his best friend I would date him or maybe if I went and had sex or dates these people I would find out I love my ex and Every time I have these thoughts I freak out like almost in tears and I feel guilty for all of them I even thought I was pregnant with my ex and then my mind was like oh well if you are pregnant then he will stay with you or if you have a kid that will increase your chance of y'all getting back together in the future and or when we broke up my mind will be like get revenge but I wouldn't do that. Right after I think a bad thing I will freak out and my anxiety rises I feel like a very bad person for thinking these things. And the thing that scares me and makes me have anxiety is because what if some of these things is really how I was feeling or thinking at the time I don't wanna be that person. But I feel a little okay because of how I react to them. After the thought I will be like no I'm not doing that and my anxiety skyrockets. I'm sick of living like this and another thing my mind will always be like saying mean things about my ex in my head like mean mean things like calling him cuss words or criticizing him and I almost cry each time I can't control these and I'm tired of feeling ashamed of these thoughts and I just want my ex boyfriend but I constantly feel like I don't deserve him because of these bad thoughts I'm having out of nowhere. Somebody help me. Also I feel like sometimes people can see through my clothes and like sometimes I react but sometimes I just sit there and then like 2 seconds later I'll freak out. Please I just want them to go away and be with my boyfriend again. And I know he deserves 10 times better but my dad told me if I want something to go for it. Please don't be mean it's a constant struggle everyday and I already feel like the devil :/ Edited September 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraphs ~6
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