To send flowers or not? I Didn't do enough when we were dating.

[trickie911]

Im a 35 yo guy,

I came to this site because I was trying to decide whether or not to send flowers to a recent Ex and found a thread about it. The resounding answer I saw was a big fat NO due to those particular circumstances. (She wanted space)

 

 

My situation is different she is giving me space because the flame has gone out for her which was a direct result of my lack of affection Towards her in public. We were only official for 3 months. We went from friends when I was with my former gf to fwb, I left my ex to be with this girl and right around that time she did a 180 and her attitude towards me changed drastically and I found out she was dating other guys, i stopped talking to her For a couple of days and she got frustrated that I was acting distant and we talked about everything (except 1 other secret) she told me she would not date anymore if it was going to ruin our friendship. That was odd to me but it is what we went with and continued to hang out, gym, darts, movies etc. nothing physical all the time I was hoping to win her over.

 

One night at darts, one of the guys asked why we were just friends. It got us talking, she thought my stance on kids, location, and marriage were one way and I corrected her. So we decided to have a serious talk where she told me she had to have an abortion and it changed her whole opinion on kids, she now realized she wanted them and didn't think I did. So we decided to date, we became bf and gf and everything was good however, I never introduced her to people as my girlfriend, held her hand, or kissed her out in the open I got her flowers once I do not know why I couldn't open up and show her more affection but that took its toll on her.

 

5 days ago we sat down and chatted, she wanted some time apart I was even thinking of taking a break myself at that point so I told her it was ok and we were on the same page. we were going to remain friends. We have known each other for 5 years she works for my best friend, we are on a dart league together and gym together every week. it only took me a day to start feeling like it was a mistake and the feeling of dread came over me. She is going to date other people so I fear that there wont be any coming back from this break. I have an insane amount of jealousy and anger when I think of her with another guy now and I want another chance. I've talked with her and she is sure this is the right thing and what she wants. Because I cannot take the thought of her dating Intold her I have to break contact with you for a while completely, I said a week or two when I will re-evaluate how I feel about friends.

 

I want to get her back, I know I can be different and invest 100% now.

 

This brings me to the flowers. I thought about sending her flowers. No note, just send flowers to her work. She loves flowers and I never stepped up. How would this be perceived?

 

I want to go on this cruise too so I need to either get her back or be ok with her dating. It would be myself, her and her best friend and her boyfriend.

 

Thanks in advance.

[jen1447]

Flowers won't go over well with her at this stage, based on your presentation of the situation. Sorry but this ship has sailed.

[trickie911]

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply jen.

[mightycpa]

Put me down for a NO too. Too little, too late. Flowers will not be appreciated... she will perceive them as a burden of obligation, and she does not want to be obligated to gush over your kind gesture. It will come across as manipulative.

 

I don't know why you can't go on a cruise regardless of what she's doing unless she's going on that same cruise too. If so, then you shouldn't go. Go on another one. Fly somewhere. Do something else.

 

Next time you get a GF, don't hold back. GF's don't like it when you're indifferent or unenthusiastic about being their main squeeze. At your age, you should know this by now. I guess now you do.

[Hipster_22]

Flowers won't go over well with her at this stage, based on your presentation of the situation. Sorry but this ship has sailed.

 

Agreed. She asked for space so just leave her alone, sending flowers or making any contact will be a bad move. The temptation is unbearable (I know it myself from my own experience) but you have to be strong. If she wants to try again she will come back to you but don't sit and expect her to.

[d0nnivain]

This brings me to the flowers. I thought about sending her flowers. No note, just send flowers to her work. She loves flowers and I never stepped up. How would this be perceived?

 

Actions speak louder then words. In this instance I think sending her flowers with a signed note apologizing for not being more affectionate & seemingly not invested in the relationship would be a good 1st step.

 

Sending anonymous flowers proves that you still can't own up to being in a relationship with her. If you send her the flowers without signing your name she will take that as more of your same BS, not being able to hold her hand, not telling people she is your GF etc. Bascially you have behaved as though you are embarrassed to be with her & that had to have hurt. Sending flowers with no note will be one more thing that you did to hide your relationship with her from the world. It would hurt her feelings all over again & make her happy to be rid of you.

 

In contrast making the bold romantic gesture for all to see -- by sending the flowers & signing the apology note -- shows that you are changing.

 

The flowers must be followed with a call . . .not a text, not an e-mail. . . a call to ask her out to dinner. If she grants you another chance, you better be prince charming. Hold open doors, pull out chairs and for pete's sake hold the woman's hand in public! You have to show her by your actions that you want to celebrate her place in your life.

 

If you can't do the above or something like the above, save your money. The flowers won't work.

[newmoon]

agree with everyone - no to flowers. i'm not even sure why you think flowers will win someone over who isn't interested. maybe you're not naturally demonstrative - another woman might be cool w/that. this one wasn't. leave it.

[casey.lives]

I think flowers is a grand idea.. but you have to be holding them to give to her. this needs a good talking through AND FLOWERS : )

[trickie911]

You guys all have great advice and it is great to have your perspectives. You know not the good you do. I didn't send the flowers, I called her to tell her that I know what I did wrong and i would be willing to fix that if she would give me another chance. She made it clear at this point there are no feelings and my plan for no contact was actually annoying her. we have a booked and paid for cruise and we had or weekly activities. She had the flame has gone out. I cannot reignite if i have no contact with her. So im going to suck it up and plan on having limited communication and leave the cruise up in the air.

[d0nnivain]

If the flame has gone out, it's gone.

 

 

However if you are more then I think 90 days out from the cruise you can usually cancel with no penalty. I can't imagine anything more awful then being stuck in a tiny cruise ship cabin with somebody I was on edge around.

[trickie911]

If the flame has gone out, it's gone.

 

 

However if you are more then I think 90 days out from the cruise you can usually cancel with no penalty. I can't imagine anything more awful then being stuck in a tiny cruise ship cabin with somebody I was on edge around.

 

 

Nothing like a cruise and having fun to reignite a spark though right?

[d0nnivain]

Nothing like a cruise and having fun to reignite a spark though right?

 

 

In separate cabins, maybe. Trapped in twin beds in 150 square feet of space . . . familiarity breeds contempt.

[hunk]

The cruise isn't happening. The phone call, the flowers, it doesn't matter - the sentiment behind these gestures has already ensured your burial. This is over. She doesn't want you, she is repulsed by you at the current moment and you are not a sexual object to her and i don't think you ever were. You blew this by not escalating to sexual relations and by "waiting for her". This ruined everything before it could even begin, never do this again. Women don't want this. You don't want this. Stop it - a relationship between man and woman is founded on sexual intimacy and that's it. You might aswell have cut your junk off and sent it to her in the mail when you made that phone call.

 

donnivain has the best intentions in mind but please do not listen to any of that advice or do anything she's recommended. There is nothing to be fixed, it wasn't about what you didn't do in the relationship it was about how you behaved in general towards her and how you made her feel which meant you didn't even HAVE any sort of actual relationship. You were just some emotionally, socially, and sexually stunted guy who behaved like a shy 12 year old around the girl you like at school. You were simply a friend and she wants a man who will treat her like a woman - that means a man who has sex with her because it's what HE wants as a man. Assume the role of a man, because you are one, and take what you actually want. Then women will respect you and want to be with you and this won't happen again. You've got a long way to go, please work on yourself and improve your life.

[ChicagoSparty]

Just let it go. It's gone and not coming back.

[Simon Phoenix]

This is a too little, way too late scenario.