Stealth46 Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 So.... I met this girl. We worked together and we became really good friends for months before we started dating. (I probably should mention she was a "mature" 21 and i'm 33.... yeah.) Hell, i was even there when she was dating someone else. Six month later we look at each other and after everyone pushed us together we gave it a try. We were amazing together, I never felt so great to be with someone. She supported me when I needed it, i supported her when she needed it. We built a pretty good life together. We went out a lot amazing random dates. i made sure i included my interests as well as hers. Got to see and do a lot of new things which she loved. and a year and half later... We were doing great still til september. We were set up to move in together and lease was signed. End of august everything was normal. She was happy so was I on the surprise kayaking trip i took her on. Then a week later... a "What if " came back into her life. Some guy she never talked about or got over it seems. This guy in the past slept with her and then dumped her for another girl. He comes back after over a year later and starts "liking" her facebook stuff. And immediately she gets defensive, i can tell, she wouldn't admit it then. She start posting stuff like "some ppl want a relationship and see you smile and not just have sex with you". a week later she starts acting distant... and then one day week when i went out of town... she went to see him, probably to console him about his break up. alcohol plus "one thing led to another" well, you see where this is going. she sleeps with him. that friday moves more stuff into the house, i get back saturday, she's crying drunk and told me she cheated on me. That she wasn't in love with me, which i feel was a lie, b/c we never had any issues until he came around. I know that it sounds denial about issues, but we really didn't. I asked her if she loved me, she didn't answer. I asked her if she loved him, she still didn't answer. She said she doesn't know what he was to her, that she needs to find out. And despite this, i still want her back. She has never lied to me about anything ever, not even white lies. If she wasn't happy with a guy she wouldn't let it drag out, she'd end it. I've seen it. She went through 4 days of crying, not eating, not sleeping like i have. (from her parents, they loved me. her friends loved me, and her bff liked me a lot more than him) and now she's putting on the brave "im okay face" on. and she finally posted something with the guys name, where she had a blackout on him and me. I've been drinking just to get through the day, and more at night just to fall asleep. Occassionally i'd get vicodin. I'm a wreck and i dont understand how she can walk away from what we had the minute he came back. What's worse is that I understand what it's like to have a "what if". But it's stupid that texting her about stuff, is a horrible thing now when before him she loved all our contact and messages. I knew she was pulling away, she never once talked about him, nor wanted to when i brought him up. She got angry when i did. I feel like if we got the house a week earlier she wouldve never got tricked into seeing him. she would have still that what if though i know. Well, first off. Let me tell you what i did. I did a little heartbreak manipulating, forcing her to take things back in hopes to see it again, saying that i love her and always want to be with her and want to work things out. i've texted her once-ish each day since the 10 messages the day after the breakup. She's dealing with a lot of guilt for what she did to me, but it seems now she is determined to see what this guy is to her. I was told "NO CONTACT" is the best plan if i ever want her back in my life and if i don't. which is counterintuitive for me since i like to fix things... i have to fix everything :/ I dont know what to do anymore and i'm tired of talking about it and trying to figure it out, help please.
PaperCrane Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Cut all contact. All of it. Every single iota. Why the hell does she deserve to have you chasing her when SHE stepped out on you for GIGS? Seriously dude? Where is your self respect? Where are your boundaries? Why don't you want to be good to yourself? If I'm having this kind of reaction to this, imagine hers. If you were just her friend and some girl did this to you, would you think she'd think highly of you for persisting in chasing someone who disrespected you so badly? No. She wouldn't at all. Delete her on FB. Delete her number. Block her calls. Last but not least, tell her that her stuff is outside and to come and get it, if you can. If not talk to the landlord about getting out of the lease. If you can't get out of the lease, find someone else to move in over you. This right now is your #1 priority. Get the hell out of there man. Get her name off of it, if at all possible and have a buddy move in or something. Anything. This is a powderkeg of a situation and right now your heartache will only be the tip of the iceberg of troubles if you don't act quickly.
Oregon_Dude Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 She is 21. You're 33. And you're wondering why she did this and that, trying to figure it all out. Dude, grow up. Be a f*cking man. Men don't try to understand the intentions of children. Stop worrying about this one. She's gone. Are you really gonna chase a 21 year old? That's just sad. Date older next time. Trust me, I learned the hard way. 5
Blanco Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Can't have an age-gap thread without mentioning that the younger person involved is very "mature" for their age.
Blanco Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Also, NC isn't the best way to get the ex back. It's the best way to HEAL and move on. I suspect your admitted desire to "fix everything," probably means you have weak boundaries in relationships and end up being something of a doormat. Stop trying to be a fixer, establish boundaries and non-negotiables for yourself, and you'll start to attract a different caliber of woman. One who doesn't need to be "fixed."
mightycpa Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 She is 21. You're 33. And you're wondering why she did this and that, trying to figure it all out. Dude, grow up. Be a f*cking man. Men don't try to understand the intentions of children. Stop worrying about this one. She's gone. Are you really gonna chase a 21 year old? That's just sad. Date older next time. Trust me, I learned the hard way.****! He said it first, except for the part about learning the hard way. On the day you started with her, it should have been obvious to you that you were an adult man and she was essentially a teenage girl that was now old enough to ****. Here's my standard mock: Were you fascinated by the stimulating conversations? Did she express deep wisdom based on her vast experience in the world? Was she particularly accomplished in some way that mere mortals are not? Or did she just look really good and you responded to the attention because you knew she'd **** the daylights out of you? "Mature"... yeah, right. She's so mature, she did what pretty much every other early twenties year old girl on the planet does, which is to switch guys on a moment's notice. It's the age that does it to them, you know? What do you do? Do what OregonDude and everybody else said. 3
Oregon_Dude Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 did she just look really good and you responded to the attention because you knew she'd **** the daylights out of you?My ex was pretty, paid me attention and was DTF. I sure had a long and complicated laundry list of requirements for her to fulfill. Let's admit it: us men are f*cking morons who ignore plenty of sh*t in order to get laid and have someone care about us. 2
Draper Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 My ex was pretty, paid me attention and was DTF. I sure had a long and complicated laundry list of requirements for her to fulfill. Let's admit it: us men are f*cking morons who ignore plenty of sh*t in order to get laid and have someone care about us. What he said
casey.lives Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Last i checked, the "what if" get's so deep in your thoughts .. you just HAVE TO follow it and see.. "what if" can be worth it. my ex "what if'd" my friend and they are now married.
pidgeon1010 Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 No matter how mature a younger person seems, there is a higher risk with age-gap relationships with teenagers and people in their early 20s that they will want to experience life and see what else is out there. It doesn't matter if she is 21 going on 30. You can't fault her for that. The cheating was wrong and unacceptable. You are at different stages in your life at this point. Sorry you're going through this but the chances of her coming back in genuine way (i.e. not because she is bored, guy broke up with her, etc.) are slim to none so you should try and move on.
Author Stealth46 Posted September 25, 2015 Author Posted September 25, 2015 Sorry guys, I knew what i was getting myself into. I made an exception for her and in a way it was worth it. Dating 21 year old is not something i do normally and it took a lot to go for it. We did surprisingly have a lot in common and the conversations was never lacking. It was never about the sex, I didn't have to buy her affection, we were great together. Genuinely. I was hoping for answers but if I'm getting berated for the age gap, which I already knew was going to be sensitive area then I'm not sure why I'm here. I feel like I'd have gotten better answers if I hadn't mentioned age. I pretty much know it's time to move on. I just have a hard time believing what we had got trumped by a "what if" from her past
LostOnes05 Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Ehh, I wouldn't blame the OP so much. Think about it, she had made the commitment to live with him. That would tell any guy ok she's on the same page. What she did to you was messed up. Let her cry about it, she should. But those tears aren't because she is losing you. Those are tears of "everyone's gonna know I'm an idiot pretty soon". Word of advice, stay away and go NC. You can be Mr. Fix-it for someone who loves and appreciates you. Someone who wouldn't dream of hurting you like that. It's merely feeling the loss of the familiar that makes us want to fix situations like this. Put your energy and focus into other aspects of your life now. Not saying it won't sting even a year later when you think of her, but think about how she cheated and then left you. That'll clear your mind of thinking she is worth your time or effort. Save that room for the woman that's gonna treat you right. Moving on and putting a smile on another woman's face will hurt her more than anything. Especially when the guy gets bored of sleeping with her or strings her along believing they'll have a viable relationship. Best of luck man, you'll get over it. 1
man03999 Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 ****! He said it first, except for the part about learning the hard way. On the day you started with her, it should have been obvious to you that you were an adult man and she was essentially a teenage girl that was now old enough to ****. Here's my standard mock: Were you fascinated by the stimulating conversations? Did she express deep wisdom based on her vast experience in the world? Was she particularly accomplished in some way that mere mortals are not? Or did she just look really good and you responded to the attention because you knew she'd **** the daylights out of you? "Mature"... yeah, right. She's so mature, she did what pretty much every other early twenties year old girl on the planet does, which is to switch guys on a moment's notice. It's the age that does it to them, you know? What do you do? Do what OregonDude and everybody else said. I agreed! This is exactly what you need to do!
LostOnes05 Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 I've found that with women and young women in particular (i'm in my 20s), that they will justify just about anything. I've had women tell me they love me and want to spend their life with me the day before dumping me for someone else. They'll say anything from I'm changing to I need to find myself in which case I direct them to google maps. "What if?", what the hell is that? How about "why would I?" Like why would I give up my relationship that was working well for someone that left me before. Don't let her slide with the excuse of being young and dumb (that goes for men and women). Hold her completely accountable. If she saw her favorite dish on railroad tracks with an approaching train would she risk it? What if for me is reserved for a regret or some action I think might benefit me and be a change of pace. Not one that hurts someone else. Like, what if I walk to work today instead of driving not what if I cheat and live happily ever after. It's ridiculous to justify it in that manner.
Author Stealth46 Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 The pain is still real, the confusion is still real. The more and more i read these stories the less and less i feel "our love" story wasn't anything special. This forum has been a great deal of help as i've been able to relate to all of it. We HAD a great thing going, she was 100% onboard with everything, there's no way she could ever say she didn't love me. I never forced her to do anything, i never scared her into thinking marriage. I let her proceed in the relationship on her own pace and i at mine. She supported me just as much as I her, if my card bounced she was there without any judgement, if her car broke down i was there no questions. Our social history was filled with nothing but love, flirting and happiness.... at least until the week he came into the picture when she started becoming distant. Her feelings for him, despite how he treated her, just confused all of it. "accounting" was the term i saw, but on paper we were perfect, everyone loved us together and were jealous. Even her mom texted me to see how i was doing, and still checks on me. On paper, i'm the better guy. I have a great career that has unlimited potential (ambition that got me in gear because i wanted to provide us with a better future), i got my **** together, i took her to places she's always wanted to see and some she didn't know about, i never held her back from "experiencing life". I'd be okay if she did stuff without me because i trusted her 100%, but i never trusted her history with this ex (he's not even an ex, he just knew she had a crush on him so he f'd her and left). I'm way more attractive than he is, and i'm in shape (training for the iron man tri), and i have goals and dreams i'm pushing for. He's a guy that f'd her and left her for someone else and came back when that someone else dumped him. He's hardly attractive, he's got terrorist thick eye brows and just overall trash (i might be just angry there). He barely has a job, i think he's training to be a welder, moved back in with his family and probably would not hesitate to leave her again for the other girl like last time. EVEN HER BEST AND ONLY FRIEND LEFT IN THE WORLD DOESN'T LIKE HIM, but she likes me a lot. I'm not saying i'm perfect and that i didn't mess up from time to time, but I did pretty damn good this time. I'm not the one that ****ed up. I am quite a catch and she's the moron for letting that go. I am a moron for blaming myself thinking that i'm the placeholder for when he was ready, but honestly, i'm the main show. There is no one in her life that will ever live up to what we set forth. They can try, but i doubt it. We had a good thing, now it's over. Let her figure out that her "what if" will never amount to anything in life and she'll miss the support to help her be better and the life that we put together. Until then, I'm going back to being myself. and another girl will notice my worth and can't help but to be part of it. That's what brought her to me and somewhere along the way, I changed a little. Here's what I did: i'm off facebook, for good. I had a friend change my password and email. I can't even log into anymore. no more talking to her mom, nor looking at her page. facebook just resets the healing process. i sealed away all her stuff, all her reminders in unmarked box and put in the attic which is impossible to reach without a ladder that i'm borrowing. I deleted all forms of her from my phone so even if i'm tempted it wont be there. Even if there's a part of me that wants her back and i know it still exists, i realize after reading so much on here, that it will NEVER be the same. I'll always have doubts and i'll get angry when i hear that name. It can never be the same. I loved her, now it's over. F' all this, i deserve better. I just wanted to know one last thing, I might be just trying to get some kind closure or some sort of revenge. But do "what if's " ever really work out? Someone said that now it's possible that i'm going to be the "what if" in her life if things go wrong for her. in past experience, I'm the guy that girls leave me for some other dude, and then come back to 3-5 years later because i treated them right and they're miserable at the lack of love and attention in their marriage. Some even offered or wanted to leave their spouses for me and i politely say "f off, you had your chance. I'm way better than i was then and you didn't see it." But on an over-analyzing standpoint, because my brain doesn't like unsolved puzzles. Does "what if" ever really turn out good? It never has for me. I have heard a few stories and mostly it's no. Day 2, NC - (this is going to be tough) 1
Blanco Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 Man, she's 21. This guy she's with won't be her last. People make a big deal about the age-gap because it MATTERS. If you were both older, it wouldn't be such a big deal, but 12 years difference when one person is in their early twenties is major. You two are probably in totally different places in your lives. You sound like a catch, so take some time to heal, regroup, and find someone closer to your age or station in life who's more ready to embark on some of the things you are (i.e. settling down).
Draper Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 I know how you're feeling, my ex also left for someone else and what I can only assume are many of the same reasons - wanting to get out and 'live life' before settling down in a committed relationship. Like you, I had no doubt she loved me - hell, she looked me in the eyes and told me just a few days before she walked away. Further, I wasn't pressuring to get anymore serious or anything like that. In fact it was her that brought up living together, which we were supposed to do at the beginning of September. Her friends loved me, her family adored me, everything seemed like it was meant to be. I treated her like a goddess, and I also have my **** together. She left for a guy who has no job and no schooling, basically someone to go to the bar with I guess. Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that girls this age change on a dime. They don't have any long-term vision so they decide they want to be the party girl for now. You sound like a great guy so i have no doubt that one day when she is matured, she will look back and regret walking out on a good man. As for your last question about the what-ifs - from what I've seen, any relationship that begins on dishonesty is doomed to fail. I don't understand the logic behind these guys going after girls with boyfriends.. why would you want a girl that cheats on her boyfriend and leaves him? They don't think that if they'd do it to you, they'd do it to them? Oh well. Stay strong, there's a girl out there that deserves you and in turn she will give you what you deserve. 1
Author Stealth46 Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 Day 4 NC, it's so hard, but i have no means to contact her. I want to soo badly so that's why i'm here. I just want to get it out of my system. I find myself getting angrier and angrier, I'm the one that gets burnt and she has someone to fill the hole where i was. I feel like that i'll be forgotten, what we had will be forgotten, and i know that's there's no way that could happen and that it shouldn't even matter. Maybe i'm just not ready to believe myself and make the changes i need to forget her, I'm making the changes to get myself back to that person i wanted to be and better and i feel great about it, but still. I'm the best choice, but l know love doesn't go on logic. I guess i'm just whining like a brat that this isn't fair, but that's life right >=/ I try to console myself and try not to blame myself, but it's hard. I've been trained to be this way since i was a kid. I tell myself she'll regret it when the honeymoon phase is over and then i realize i'm being petty, and that's not me. Friends keep telling me that it's not about me and it's not even about him. It's her.... and i know she's right, i know all of you are right. I know what i've been told here is right and accurate, so much overwhelming evidence that says so. but ... it still burns. It's the silence that kills me, not the times where i'm busy, its the 35 min drive home, or the silence in the house at nights or morning. How do you cope with that? It's a shame it all went this way. She's not coming back and I know if she did, i wouldn't be able to trust her the same ever again. but part of me still sees the shadows where she was going to be. even though i want to. is it better to be angry? or sad? what will get me to the next step... I've been drinking to just numb the pain/anger/or sadness(not a lot, just enough) just to sleep.. or focus. I find things to do, but man that is hard to keep up with 18 hours of the day. I've even created my affirmations and i believe them, but it's like everyday i need a new one to keep me going. It's been a week since the breakup, how much longer will things linger to piss me off then sadden me. A friend of mine told me they've been noticing her unusual behavior. I noticed it too but i didn't push it b/c I didn't want to fix someone else's problems, i hear it makes them resent you. i wanted to be her supportive partner, not her father. they said that when she quit school, she's been on a downward spiral anyways. She has had less motivation to do anything ambitious, she's been drinking more and more, and been more and more quiet and antisocial. I thought she was just having a hard time with the rejections from the jobs she applied for, and other things she's tried to go after. My success might have been the seed that set her into depression and she got self destructive. That's from an outside perspective. Is this how she ended up with a guy that's not all that good for her anyways? No, I'm just making up reasons. I know i need to move on and say f*** it. aarrgh! it's f'd up, i try so hard to keep her out of my mind, but it's silence that brings her back. I've been filling as much of it as i can with David Deangelo self improvement tapes, but i find they dont console me all that much anymore... they just make me angry at all the things i forgot about me and my mission in life b/c i focused on trying to build a decent future for myself so that she'd be happy in it. I forgot you have to treat her as the icing on the already awesome cake that is my life. I'm great, I know it, but when does this stop hurting. or at least go away long enough for me to have a few days of peace.
mightycpa Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 If you're only on Day 4, you're making a mistake trying not to think about it. You cannot avoid this pain, and it really isn't healthy to ignore your emotions. You need to embrace what you're feeling and deal with it. I don't know if you can take a little time off, but you'd do well to do that, grab a paper and pen, or tablet and stylus, a keyboard, whatever, and feel those feelings and cry and yell and punch and write and think about and feel all that stuff you are avoiding. You need to let those feelings OUT, not bottle them up, and it will take some time before you're tired of doing that. But a nice way to start is to exhaust yourself doing it, to think about it over and over and over and desensitize yourself some. Obviously, you can't be at work or around friends like that, so taking some time off and going away is good. I know that sounds wrong, and I know just thinking about it, you'll dread it, but like most medicine, it's good for you, even if it doesn't taste so good going down. Like any other unpleasant thing beyond your control, you have to come to grips with where you are. It may take months, but this immersion at the beginning will help clear your head, and help you tell yourself the truth.
Author Stealth46 Posted September 27, 2015 Author Posted September 27, 2015 Thanks, that makes sense. I thought that doing NC and then trying not to think about it was the way to move on. I have a little vacation and I'll see if i can do that. It's so hard to cut her out as we have a LOT of common friends so people are always trying to tell me what's going on new in her life since my blackout. Even to tell me she's suffering with my absence, doesn't make me feel any better. It just makes me angrier, she chose this path, if she's miserable then why is she going through with this. oh well. I'll take what you said into consideration and plan for some time next weekend to work out my demons (in her and me). Thanks
NoLeafClover Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 So.... I met this girl. We worked together and we became really good friends for months before we started dating. (I probably should mention she was a "mature" 21 and i'm 33.... yeah.) Hell, i was even there when she was dating someone else. Six month later we look at each other and after everyone pushed us together we gave it a try. We were amazing together, I never felt so great to be with someone. She supported me when I needed it, i supported her when she needed it. We built a pretty good life together. We went out a lot amazing random dates. i made sure i included my interests as well as hers. Got to see and do a lot of new things which she loved. and a year and half later... We were doing great still til september. We were set up to move in together and lease was signed. End of august everything was normal. She was happy so was I on the surprise kayaking trip i took her on. Then a week later... a "What if " came back into her life. Some guy she never talked about or got over it seems. This guy in the past slept with her and then dumped her for another girl. He comes back after over a year later and starts "liking" her facebook stuff. And immediately she gets defensive, i can tell, she wouldn't admit it then. She start posting stuff like "some ppl want a relationship and see you smile and not just have sex with you". a week later she starts acting distant... and then one day week when i went out of town... she went to see him, probably to console him about his break up. alcohol plus "one thing led to another" well, you see where this is going. she sleeps with him. that friday moves more stuff into the house, i get back saturday, she's crying drunk and told me she cheated on me. That she wasn't in love with me, which i feel was a lie, b/c we never had any issues until he came around. I know that it sounds denial about issues, but we really didn't. I asked her if she loved me, she didn't answer. I asked her if she loved him, she still didn't answer. She said she doesn't know what he was to her, that she needs to find out. And despite this, i still want her back. She has never lied to me about anything ever, not even white lies. If she wasn't happy with a guy she wouldn't let it drag out, she'd end it. I've seen it. She went through 4 days of crying, not eating, not sleeping like i have. (from her parents, they loved me. her friends loved me, and her bff liked me a lot more than him) and now she's putting on the brave "im okay face" on. and she finally posted something with the guys name, where she had a blackout on him and me. I've been drinking just to get through the day, and more at night just to fall asleep. Occassionally i'd get vicodin. I'm a wreck and i dont understand how she can walk away from what we had the minute he came back. What's worse is that I understand what it's like to have a "what if". But it's stupid that texting her about stuff, is a horrible thing now when before him she loved all our contact and messages. I knew she was pulling away, she never once talked about him, nor wanted to when i brought him up. She got angry when i did. I feel like if we got the house a week earlier she wouldve never got tricked into seeing him. she would have still that what if though i know. Well, first off. Let me tell you what i did. I did a little heartbreak manipulating, forcing her to take things back in hopes to see it again, saying that i love her and always want to be with her and want to work things out. i've texted her once-ish each day since the 10 messages the day after the breakup. She's dealing with a lot of guilt for what she did to me, but it seems now she is determined to see what this guy is to her. I was told "NO CONTACT" is the best plan if i ever want her back in my life and if i don't. which is counterintuitive for me since i like to fix things... i have to fix everything :/ I dont know what to do anymore and i'm tired of talking about it and trying to figure it out, help please. 1-You are in denial thinking she never lied to you. You clearly don't know your former woman. She got angry when you'd want to talk about him because she'd have to lie some more on the spot about him. So why not get angry to you so that she could stop the subject of him. 2- you really need to get a grip and get a backbone cuz you are clearly having you gf screwing another dude and yet you want her back? Wtf man, why the hell would you want some who is doing another person. Dignity out the window.
contel3 Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I know you asked not to say anything about the age gap anymore but I have been in the exact same situation as you before and maybe what I have to say will help you. When I was 20 I was in a relationship with a much older man. Like you he was 31. At the time I thought it was a pretty serious relationship and I would have told you that such a big age gap makes no difference. He also described me as very "mature" and I think I was, on most levels but not on the emotional one. It took me years to realise. When you are 20 you don't know who you are. You don't know what you want. You said you had such awesome compatibility. When you're 20 you don't give a crap about compatibility. You want the butterflies, the exitement. You can't think long term. You enjoy the promises of marriage and eternal love as long as they last but if it really were to happen you'd freak out. You enjoy being in love but it's another kind of love than when you're older. This is probably why she is dating a loser now. I know I dated lots of losers because on a subconscious level I knew I'd never stay with them and this made me feel secure. A good guy I could have stayed with and married? Forget it. Like someone else said, she is young and the guy she's dating now won't be her last. You should be happy you didn't lose more time with her. You are now free to heal, improve yourself, learn and find someone who does want to settle down with you. 2
Author Stealth46 Posted October 7, 2015 Author Posted October 7, 2015 It's been 15 days of NC, and a little over that since the girl betrayed me for GIGS. I've gotten to where I almost don't count the days which I hear is good. I've accepted my faults in the relationship and will not try to beat myself up over it. But all-in-all, I did pretty damn good this time around, and I still have the capacity for greatness. There are no "second chances", there is no amount of effort after a betrayal like that that would make this road worth walking down again. She lost a diamond while playing with some worthless stones. You guys were right about a lot of things, some of it is just harder to hear when you are emotionally charged. Earlier this week a mutual friend might have set me back a little when she told me she stalked her on facebook and proceeded to tell me what was new and I stopped her after the first sentence because I knew it wasn't going to be good to hear. But that one sentence that she managed to sneak out in an attempt to comfort me did anything but that. That and I had to cancel the our first cruise i was getting for her birthday a few months from now. Since then I've found that I'm no longer angry or charged or hurt, I'm just ... sad. Is it weird that I actually have pity for her decision? Pity? I'm not sure what it is yet? I'm not trying to decide what's best for her, but it's hard when I see the things that we were and had planned and think she would've been happy with the life I tried to keep enriched, that she got scared of a commitment that I never forced on her and ran. Whatever her reason (or lack of reason), which I'm sure you guys are right, it doesn't really even matter anymore. I've made a lot of changes lately, some harder than others. I found going to the gym at night actually helps wipe clear my mind to get sleep finally and my diet is back on track. What I can't get around is the mornings... I hate that she's still the first thing that comes to mind (involuntarily), and then that sets my day off rough and I want that to end. I'm debating gym, since it seems to be the only thing that gets me back to normal, but I'm afraid that it might be working out too much. Any suggestions? 1
EO422 Posted October 7, 2015 Posted October 7, 2015 I am about almost 2 months post BU and almost 1 month NC... I still am sad, depressed a bit. I mean I am doing better. But I miss her. I will defend her. It's just love. You know. You won't stop loving someone. But you will get to a point where that's not going to matter and you will love someone else. I will always love my ex. She played a huge role in my life. We will still find someone better. Idk where I am with NC because I have lost count. I kinda don't care about counting NC, I have closure so I feel like she won't come back anyways lol.
luck1978 Posted October 12, 2015 Posted October 12, 2015 Hey there mate, I know what you're going through. I am going through exactly the same and the one area that is difficult to control is your sub conscious that will keep bringing them back into your head, mainly when you are alone, almost to the point where you are like 'why is my brain doing this to me!?' Having read a bit on this it seems some of this is out of our control as our body is experiencing a loss which releases chemicals and **** like that, this causes the feeling of something missing which automatically causes us to think about them. Try things like repeating things in your head to yourself, along the lines of "I don't need to be thinking like this - STOP! no one has died I am here and I am doing OK, today will be a good day!" Sounds weird I know, but seems to help me, almost like I'm altering a negative pattern of thought. 1
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