Burnt out on dating

[lana-banana]

Thanks lana.

 

Thing is... it happened this year. I knew. Knew without a doubt I wanted to be with this woman. Then after a few months, she distanced herself, and we broke up.

 

I've felt it. I know what you're saying. I just don't think it's in the cards for me anymore.

 

I just need to learn to truly be OK with being alone. Honestly the thing I miss most is sex.

 

Strange. That's just quitter talk, but you sure don't look like a quitter to me.

 

Give it time. You'll be ready again when you're ready, but don't give up. The right one for you is the one who both gives you that gut certainty and demonstrates it through their words and deeds. Believe me, I know what it's like to be certain you've met the love of your life only for them to leave you utterly destroyed. It happens. But we pick ourselves and keep on moving because that's all we have in this world.

[Oregon_Dude]

Strange. That's just quitter talk, but you sure don't look like a quitter to me.

 

Give it time. You'll be ready again when you're ready, but don't give up. The right one for you is the one who both gives you that gut certainty and demonstrates it through their words and deeds. Believe me, I know what it's like to be certain you've met the love of your life only for them to leave you utterly destroyed. It happens. But we pick ourselves and keep on moving because that's all we have in this world.

Ha! Thanks for the tough love, Coach. You're certainly right that this last one did not demonstrate it from her deeds. I don't know what I expected from a 22 year old girl, anyway.

 

I'm gonna try to keep the faith. Keep going. All my life I've been broken up with and heartbroken, so it's a bit tough, if you can understand.

 

Anyway, not trying to be self-pitying. Some nights I sleep horribly, so this is one of those days. I get super depressed, think about her and failed dates, and what's point of it all, etc.

 

Someday, someday.

[sportygirl89]

I have been single for three years. This past year I haven't actually actively dated. I really don't miss anything. If you are at least somewhat active you should eventually meet someone with out having to do stuff like online dating.

[Yummm]

As I've been saying on all these dating threads mate, don't be disheartened!

 

OLD is brutal, but you gain so much more positive than negative by doing it. Yeah, sure, if you really feel you need to then take a break! I will soon.. 14 dates in the last month and counting - not something i'm proud of as there hasn't been more than 2-3 girls that i've gone past a second date with.

 

But as others posted here, i'm not dating to prove myself. Each date I go on, I have more confidence in what type of character traits I do and don't like. I meet brand new people which is exciting and confidence/ego also increases as you know you're still desirable.

 

Saying that it is exhausting to have to do the chase to all these girls with no special connection coming from any of them par 1....yet!

 

Chin up buddy, don't feel down. Go on these dates with a positive attitude and just have a good evening! Don't overthink, be you and have a laugh.

 

FYI I'm also 4 months post breakup. We'll get there

[joseb]

I just skimmed the replies, but your original post was enough to diagnose the issue for me:

 

"My ex and I broke up about 2 months ago. I've been going on dates ever since"

 

You are not ready to honestly date. Unless you and your ex had a very short/not serious relationship.

 

You should spend time getting comfortable in your own skin before you look to date, rather than rushing out and trying to replace your ex cause you feel lonely (or worse, jealous that she may have moved on).

 

For me, I didn't look at another girl in 'that way' for about 3 months post breakup, and it was another couple of months before I hit on any.

I feel great now and honestly love meeting new people.

[lino]

I've never enjoyed 'dating' and I actually hate that term as well.

 

I find serially dating, going out with multiple people per week, to be robotic, unemotional and just not fun in general. Almost machine like. I've never enjoyed it and only did it briefly in 2007 and it was horrible. It burnt me out as well like it is doing to you.

 

For me, meeting someone I truly like and starting to go out with them is how it should be and I believe once it was always like that.

 

I believe things like online dating becoming mainstream and rubbish like sex and the city has made a generation of serial daters who 'date' people as an easily disposable commodity.

 

It's almost like it has become a pastime rather than a way of genuinely meeting people.

 

My suggestion would be to only go out with women you genuinely like, who you see a future with and to stop online dating. I think that stuff is a cancer.

[Oregon_Dude]

joseb, I thought a lot about what you said, and you're right. The last one broke my heart. I'm not ready to date yet.

 

My suggestion would be to only go out with women you genuinely like, who you see a future with and to stop online dating. I think that stuff is a cancer.

I agree. I've got to stop with the online stuff. It's trying to fit a square peg (me) in a round hole (her). My peg isn't square, but you get the idea. It's trying to force a connection from absolutely nothing, and honestly, has never worked out for me long-term.

 

I'm gonna forget about women for at least a few months.

[BriNyc82]

I was literally thinking as I was signing on here that I need to go on a dating hiatus as I am feeling burnt out and completely let down and frustrated by most of my dates. You're not the only one. It's normal. But I understand the eagerness. You want that companionship back. You will get it. I agree with the other poster that the more you plow through the less you become detached.

 

Hang in there buddy

[Versacehottie]

Hey guys and gals,

 

I know this thread is made daily here, just wanted a little moral support.

 

My ex and I broke up about 2 months ago. I've been going on dates ever since. I feel like I'm mostly over the ex, to the point where I'm not comparing everyone new to her. I have a couple irons in the fire, dating-wise, but had a (seemingly legit) cancellation for this Saturday, someone I was looking forward to seeing again. While she wants to r/s, I can't help but feel bummed about it. There's also another girl who I'm going on a second date with next week, but I have no idea how she feels about me.

 

I certainly don't want to deal with the rejection of dating in addition to the rejection of my ex. I had like three dates this week; two of them were lame, the other was somewhat promising. I guess my question is, does anyone relate to feeling just totally fed up of trying to "prove" yourself to a stranger, someone whose opinion is meaningless anyway?

 

I know the standard advice is to stay away from dating for a while, but part of me wonders if I should just plow ahead with it and get tougher, and better at it. I think I'm super awesome, it's just a weird and hilarious position to be in of having to "show" these women that.

 

Thanks,

 

OD

 

I think you sound ready enough to date (as long as showing up the ex isn't the only reason). As someone else said, you don't need to "prove" anything to anyone. Just be yourself and make it your mission to have fun even with girls you know you will never see again. Think of it more like entertaining yourself, meeting new people--no further expectations than that. Maybe 3 different girls in a week makes it feel like nothing is working out so consider maybe just 2. That's one idea.

 

The best idea I have is that you, on one hand want to plough through, get tougher and know it will eventually lead you to someone you really care for and the on the other hand you sometimes find the process a bummer. First of all you need more balance you can create, ie the less dates and find other ways to entertain yourself rather than just the hope of a relationship, like other things you love to do or friends you love to be with. Secondly and most importantly, I think you need to commit to one path or another. And then when you are committed you will find either option less frustrating. Like if you choose to do the "dating now" one. You will be committed although you know one of the downsides is that you will meet some duds along the way and sometimes the process itself can put you in a funk. That way you will know how to manage it. Or you can commit to taking a time out to alleviate the frustration and go back when you are more motivated.

 

I think you should keep dating and just find ways to manage the frustration--but that's just my opinion. Sometimes a time out is in order. Funny, with all your threads I took it that your ex was more long-term relationship than 4 months. Even if it was only 4 months that doesn't mean it didn't have a serious impact on you. I wouldn't, btw, worry about competing with her for who's in the next great relationship first. Just get her off your radar and limit or avoid any contact with people who would tell you updates about her. That way there is no competition. And then KNOW that it doesn't necessarily matter who 'gets there first'. She's still going to be the person she is and all the problems that come along with that. And her new fantastic guy is going to get that (yes that's sarcasm). A lot of people just present that they are happy in the new quickie relationship but it's just a bandaid. I would have no problem taking as long as it's needed to find the right girl for you. I forgot your age (think you posted it before) but if you are thinking the next one is timing-wise a chance to be "the one", you want to make sure you get it right!

[joseb]

I've never enjoyed 'dating' and I actually hate that term as well.

.

 

Yeah i actually hate the term too! I dont get how people can be out 'dating' every night of the week. I enjoy going out and meeting people and if we click i will meet them again. I try to avoid making it into an arranged interview session!

[Oregon_Dude]

You want that companionship back. You will get it.

Hi Bri, thanks. Lately I've been quite depressed. Unfortunately, no, I really don't think I'll get that companionship back. Not to throw a pity party, but I just don't see it happening again. I don't have whatever women want. I think I'm quite talented, good-looking enough, honest, a few more good qualities. I work two jobs. When I date, though, I always end up getting friended. It happened tonight over text by someone I had a great date with earlier this week, 3 hour conversation, shared thoughts and interest, kiss at the end.

 

Funny, with all your threads I took it that your ex was more long-term relationship than 4 months. Even if it was only 4 months that doesn't mean it didn't have a serious impact on you. I wouldn't, btw, worry about competing with her for who's in the next great relationship first. Just get her off your radar and limit or avoid any contact with people who would tell you updates about her. That way there is no competition. And then KNOW that it doesn't necessarily matter who 'gets there first'. She's still going to be the person she is and all the problems that come along with that. And her new fantastic guy is going to get that (yes that's sarcasm). A lot of people just present that they are happy in the new quickie relationship but it's just a bandaid. I would have no problem taking as long as it's needed to find the right girl for you. I forgot your age (think you posted it before) but if you are thinking the next one is timing-wise a chance to be "the one", you want to make sure you get it right!

Thanks for your words, Versace. Yeah, my r/s was only four months, but I was very much in love with her, as I thought she was with me. I dunno, maybe she was and just couldn't handle a r/s at that time in her life. However, if someone really does love you, they don't want to lose you, so there you go. Anyway, you are right, she is still going to push people away, whether or not it is me or the new guy (or new girl - she's bi - of course she is). Everything was always all about her and whatever she needed, and she's young and cute enough to get anyone to do it for her. Plus she's quite the seductress, and men are willing to do almost anything for sex. To answer your question, I am 31. And I've learned that dating someone so young is a huge risk.

 

I think when you're dumped you just feel hugely unattractive, and that for men, it's not as easy to get attention as it is for women. Dating is a way to gauge your own attractiveness. And I've been totally striking out. It's hard not to feel there's something fundamentally wrong with me, even though I am fighting the good fight to not believe that's true. I often feel on the edge of complete depression and the inherent knowledge that things are fine, will be fine and that I'm just going through a rough time.

 

For almost the last 20 years, I've been in r/s's and gotten broken up with. Yes, as Dan Savage says - every r/s you have is going to fail until one doesn't. But I'm really cut out for this kind of ongoing and endless rejection. I am the 'sensitive' type - musician, go figure - and it's not as easy for me to brush off these rejections as it is some tougher-skinned folks. I know I SHOULD take a break from dating stuff, but the constant desire for companionship and crushing loneliness, despite friendships, work and music, make it hard to not hold out some hope for a match that will last.

 

I feel like I'm spending most of my time just pretending to be happy. My last r/s elevated me. I felt so happy with her when things were good. I'm OK on my own, not a total mess, but I'm just the kind of person who is better in a r/s.

 

Thanks all for reading, hope you can understand.

[joseb]

I really think you would benefit from some time alone. And if you are not already, the help of a professional to talk about any issues. Depression is treatable.

 

You should not feel "crushing loneliness" just because you are single. While you feel this, you will be giving off a bit of a desperate vibe. If you can get yourself to the point if being happy and content alone, you will find yourself better able to attract women.

[Yummm]

I really think you would benefit from some time alone. And if you are not already, the help of a professional to talk about any issues. Depression is treatable.

 

You should not feel "crushing loneliness" just because you are single. While you feel this, you will be giving off a bit of a desperate vibe. If you can get yourself to the point if being happy and content alone, you will find yourself better able to attract women.

 

I completely agree, but saying that is so simple compared to actually digging deep and finding that happiness within ourselves.

 

I totally empathize with OD - I too am sensitive. I'm completely content being single, have great things going for me yet I still feel lonely and really want that companionship back. I have friends, family, health, career, money in the bank, have traveled yet I still long for being in a relationship.

 

How do we genuinely find happiness within ourselves then? It's a tough one... I guess it's a slow process.

 

Perhaps a break in dating is the way forward OD, i'm speaking for myself here aswell as for you. Focus on whatever else makes you happy and perhaps try put girls off our radar for now, FOR A LITTLE WHILE. Give our 110% to something else, instead of say 50% to that, and 50% to dating as we're currently doing.

 

For me, i'll focus on getting my body to where I want it to be aswell as my career. What about you?

 

Stay strong buddy!

[Oregon_Dude]

I really think you would benefit from some time alone. And if you are not already, the help of a professional to talk about any issues. Depression is treatable.

 

You should not feel "crushing loneliness" just because you are single. While you feel this, you will be giving off a bit of a desperate vibe. If you can get yourself to the point if being happy and content alone, you will find yourself better able to attract women.

I'm in therapy, and I'm on antidepressants. The rest is just being human.

[Versacehottie]

Hi Bri, thanks. Lately I've been quite depressed. Unfortunately, no, I really don't think I'll get that companionship back. Not to throw a pity party, but I just don't see it happening again. I don't have whatever women want. I think I'm quite talented, good-looking enough, honest, a few more good qualities. I work two jobs. When I date, though, I always end up getting friended. It happened tonight over text by someone I had a great date with earlier this week, 3 hour conversation, shared thoughts and interest, kiss at the end.

 

Thanks for your words, Versace. Yeah, my r/s was only four months, but I was very much in love with her, as I thought she was with me. I dunno, maybe she was and just couldn't handle a r/s at that time in her life. However, if someone really does love you, they don't want to lose you, so there you go. Anyway, you are right, she is still going to push people away, whether or not it is me or the new guy (or new girl - she's bi - of course she is). Everything was always all about her and whatever she needed, and she's young and cute enough to get anyone to do it for her. Plus she's quite the seductress, and men are willing to do almost anything for sex. To answer your question, I am 31. And I've learned that dating someone so young is a huge risk.

 

I think when you're dumped you just feel hugely unattractive, and that for men, it's not as easy to get attention as it is for women. Dating is a way to gauge your own attractiveness. And I've been totally striking out. It's hard not to feel there's something fundamentally wrong with me, even though I am fighting the good fight to not believe that's true. I often feel on the edge of complete depression and the inherent knowledge that things are fine, will be fine and that I'm just going through a rough time.

 

For almost the last 20 years, I've been in r/s's and gotten broken up with. Yes, as Dan Savage says - every r/s you have is going to fail until one doesn't. But I'm really cut out for this kind of ongoing and endless rejection. I am the 'sensitive' type - musician, go figure - and it's not as easy for me to brush off these rejections as it is some tougher-skinned folks. I know I SHOULD take a break from dating stuff, but the constant desire for companionship and crushing loneliness, despite friendships, work and music, make it hard to not hold out some hope for a match that will last.

 

I feel like I'm spending most of my time just pretending to be happy. My last r/s elevated me. I felt so happy with her when things were good. I'm OK on my own, not a total mess, but I'm just the kind of person who is better in a r/s.

 

Thanks all for reading, hope you can understand.

 

Ok hang in there. Maybe it honestly is too soon. You can take a little break and then jump back in whenever you are ready. Not making light of the 4 month timeframe because I think if you feel in love anything can crush you, but you should probably work on shoring yourself up and gather your self esteem so that you won't be as affected next time around (hopefully there won't be one but still even if you very next relationship works out; there are always ups and downs).

 

Things WILL be fine. You just have to work on stacking the cards in your favor. That's all you can do. Focus on yourself and know it will be enough for the right person if you have got your best on the line. That applies whether you are actively pursuing or take a step back to work on things with purpose. I think if you are trying to "fill" yourself from the attention you get from new dates you will be disappointed. You need to give validation to yourself first not seek it in others or that will just be a cycle. You'll be fine. Funny I thought you might be a musician. That's good. A lot of girls like sensitive musicians. When you are ready, you can do it. Maybe online dating is too lame for you. Do more in person stuff when you are ready. Good luck. And of course we understand. I think most people have been there where they feel rejected or crushed.

[Oregon_Dude]

you should probably work on shoring yourself up and gather your self esteem so that you won't be as affected next time around (hopefully there won't be one but still even if you very next relationship works out; there are always ups and downs).

Bingo.

 

I think that the lack of a father figure in my life has always contributed to my lack of self-esteem. Good dads are there at all times and tell their children how amazing they are, and that they're still amazing whether or not someone chooses to be with them. As a result, I've kind of had to be my own parent for a long time. My mom is great, but she often doesn't have any advice or know what to say.

 

I just hunted down and found "Self-Esteem" by McKay and Fanning - it was buried in my house. I've read it before and am going to read it again. I think this combined with therapy will really help me out. When someone leaves you, it's really hard not to internalize it and view it as a reflection of you. Fact is though that that is just one person's opinion of you. It doesn't mean you're a crappy partner or human being. Just wasn't right for them.

 

I think I have a long way to go in really, truly believing in myself and getting to a place of indifference irregardless to someone's presence in my life. I certainly can't continue in this way, being devastated by the end of relationships. I'm feeling optimistic today about truly becoming my own best friend.

[Versacehottie]

Bingo.

 

I think that the lack of a father figure in my life has always contributed to my lack of self-esteem. Good dads are there at all times and tell their children how amazing they are, and that they're still amazing whether or not someone chooses to be with them. As a result, I've kind of had to be my own parent for a long time. My mom is great, but she often doesn't have any advice or know what to say.

 

I just hunted down and found "Self-Esteem" by McKay and Fanning - it was buried in my house. I've read it before and am going to read it again. I think this combined with therapy will really help me out. When someone leaves you, it's really hard not to internalize it and view it as a reflection of you. Fact is though that that is just one person's opinion of you. It doesn't mean you're a crappy partner or human being. Just wasn't right for them.

I think I have a long way to go in really, truly believing in myself and getting to a place of indifference irregardless to someone's presence in my life. I certainly can't continue in this way, being devastated by the end of relationships. I'm feeling optimistic today about truly becoming my own best friend.

 

Exactly on what I bolded! It not even as if their opinion matters. And if it's not right for them, it's not right for you. Sometimes people pull the plug first out of knowing what's coming and wanting to get there first to protect themselves OR they were not really giving it their all anyway.

 

I don't think you need to work on being indifferent. That would be a life devoid of emotions which wouldn't be much fun either. You just need to work on your bounce-back-ability since you know you are worth it even if sometimes your investments in other people don't pay off they way you have hoped.

 

Good, glad you are feeling good today. That's one of the best steps. Is knowing bad days will be followed by good ones. Just know that and that everyone goes through those.

[neowulf]

I hear you man.

 

I know exactly what you mean about "seeking approval".

 

It's rough when you're knocked back over and over again. It often feels like people expect so much of a person these days, when in fact, they themselves aren't all that.

 

For most of us, we're living fairly average existences. We hold jobs, have friends, hobbies. We go out to restaurants, have our favorite TV shows. We're not out snow boarding the Alphs or swimming with sharks every other weekend.

 

The vast majority of us are just good, every day people, looking for other every day people to build a life with.

 

Often it feels like meeting the basics (Good job, good health, etc) is merely enough to get you in the door. Then the REAL interview starts. "So, why should I bother with you? I have so many other choices waiting in the wings. What makes YOU worth my time".

[Guyouthere]

I hear you man.

 

I know exactly what you mean about "seeking approval".

 

It's rough when you're knocked back over and over again. It often feels like people expect so much of a person these days, when in fact, they themselves aren't all that.

 

For most of us, we're living fairly average existences. We hold jobs, have friends, hobbies. We go out to restaurants, have our favorite TV shows. We're not out snow boarding the Alphs or swimming with sharks every other weekend.

 

The vast majority of us are just good, every day people, looking for other every day people to build a life with.

 

Often it feels like meeting the basics (Good job, good health, etc) is merely enough to get you in the door. Then the REAL interview starts. "So, why should I bother with you? I have so many other choices waiting in the wings. What makes YOU worth my time".

 

I do swim with sharks, but more often just bring them to the boat, or in the boat if I need some for the freezer.

[neowulf]

I do swim with sharks, but more often just bring them to the boat, or in the boat if I need some for the freezer.

 

Must make for some cool stories on dates

[Oregon_Dude]

Man, dating is a rough, rough thing. I read so many stories on here about people being ghosted, cheated on, not given the time of day. I'm just about ready to hang it up for a couple years, but against my own better judgment, continue to hit up OKCupid and Tinder.

 

I can't be the only one who sees flakiness on the rise in a huge way in dating. I really feel like people have very little regard for each other anymore. This is clearly tied in with advances in technology and the internet, the the illusion of endless choice.

 

I'm old enough (barely) to remember when it didn't used to be this way. People stayed in r/s's past the honeymoon stage. People didn't jump from one r/s to another so easily or quickly. The entire thing has made me very cynical about people and love.

 

Before you say I'm too sensitive, just look around this board. Countless posts and stories every day of flakiness and heartbreak. Things are worse now than ever. It's such a risk to put your heart on the line and trust people anymore.

[losangelena]

Before you say I'm too sensitive, just look around this board. Countless posts and stories every day of flakiness and heartbreak. Things are worse now than ever. It's such a risk to put your heart on the line and trust people anymore.

 

I agree with you to some extent, OD, but I also think the typical LS poster seeks this place out during the bad times in their relationship, and not when things are going well. The sample is a bit skewed; yes there are many, many stories of ill-behaved partners, but that's because this is a relationship advice column. We don't typically hear about all the times that the guy did call, or that mutual interest was stated in a timely manner by mature adults who respected each other.

 

But just because we don't hear about the healthy relationship here, that doesn't mean they don't happen. They do, we just get more sob stories than good.

[Oregon_Dude]

Thanks for the perspective, LA.

 

I feel so completely sad about love and relationships right now. I have a date on Sunday, and am going to quit after that. I don't know why I'm putting out so much effort and getting very little back. Time to be single.

[neowulf]

Thanks for the perspective, LA.

 

I feel so completely sad about love and relationships right now. I have a date on Sunday, and am going to quit after that. I don't know why I'm putting out so much effort and getting very little back. Time to be single.

 

Honestly, we all go through phases like that.

 

It takes it out of you constantly putting yourself out there. Not to mention, I still thinking dating is one of the most artificial ways to go about meeting a partner.

 

My new focus is going to be on trying to put myself into social situations where I'm likely to meet like minded women. Rather than trying to rely on "window shopping" via online dating, I'm going to put myself into more organic situations and see how that pans out.

 

Keep posting man, share your stories and trials. That's what we're here for.

[losangelena]

I agree with Neowulf. Looking back, I think dating fatigue factored into both my decision to have a FWB arrangement with a coke dealer, AND to date my now-ex, who I was happy to settle down with because I was so burnt out.

 

Dating can be a meat grinder if you let it.