Burnt out on dating

September 25, 2015

Hey guys and gals,

I know this thread is made daily here, just wanted a little moral support.

My ex and I broke up about 2 months ago. I've been going on dates ever since. I feel like I'm mostly over the ex, to the point where I'm not comparing everyone new to her. I have a couple irons in the fire, dating-wise, but had a (seemingly legit) cancellation for this Saturday, someone I was looking forward to seeing again. While she wants to r/s, I can't help but feel bummed about it. There's also another girl who I'm going on a second date with next week, but I have no idea how she feels about me.

I certainly don't want to deal with the rejection of dating in addition to the rejection of my ex. I had like three dates this week; two of them were lame, the other was somewhat promising. I guess my question is, does anyone relate to feeling just totally fed up of trying to "prove" yourself to a stranger, someone whose opinion is meaningless anyway?

I know the standard advice is to stay away from dating for a while, but part of me wonders if I should just plow ahead with it and get tougher, and better at it. I think I'm super awesome, it's just a weird and hilarious position to be in of having to "show" these women that.

Thanks,

OD

September 25, 2015

I wouldn't think that I have to "prove myself" on a date. I just show up and be me but I do get a little burned out at times. I get that way just from all of the stuff that comes along with dating someone new. I think it is even better to plow through at these times because you become more detached, place less pressure on yourself and tend to not overthink things as much simply because you are more removed from the situations. This can actually help things to go smooother at times.

September 25, 2015

I think it is even better to plow through at these times because you become more detached, place less pressure on yourself and tend to not overthink things as much simply because you are more removed from the situations. This can actually help things to go smooother at times.

Interesting. Thanks Jules.

September 25, 2015

Hey guys and gals,

I know this thread is made daily here, just wanted a little moral support.

My ex and I broke up about 2 months ago. I've been going on dates ever since. I feel like I'm mostly over the ex, to the point where I'm not comparing everyone new to her. I have a couple irons in the fire, dating-wise, but had a (seemingly legit) cancellation for this Saturday, someone I was looking forward to seeing again. While she wants to r/s, I can't help but feel bummed about it. There's also another girl who I'm going on a second date with next week, but I have no idea how she feels about me.

I certainly don't want to deal with the rejection of dating in addition to the rejection of my ex. I had like three dates this week; two of them were lame, the other was somewhat promising. I guess my question is, does anyone relate to feeling just totally fed up of trying to "prove" yourself to a stranger, someone whose opinion is meaningless anyway?

I know the standard advice is to stay away from dating for a while, but part of me wonders if I should just plow ahead with it and get tougher, and better at it. I think I'm super awesome, it's just a weird and hilarious position to be in of having to "show" these women that.

Thanks,

OD

By your replies, I admire your virtue, because I feel we think alike,

With that being said, dating is exhausting and can play a toll on your psyche,

It's a battlefield when it comes to love and war, there really aren't any rules,

Just do the best you can, when you can, and soon you'll find the gem in the sea of fools.

September 25, 2015

Hi OD, it's good that you're dating, moving on with your life. But it's only been 2 months since you broke up. You're ready to date but it takes a while to meet someone suitable, and you seem impatient about that. Almost like you want to prove to yourself you can find someone. Of course you can! It just takes time.

September 25, 2015

it's only been 2 months since you broke up. You're ready to date but it takes a while to meet someone suitable, and you seem impatient about that.

Hi Maggie. Perhaps I am impatient, you're right. I just miss companionship. My r/s that broke up was only ~ 4 months. I think that makes a difference that's it's already been 2 months since - half the time of the actual r/s.

There are sooo many people out there who are wrong for you. It's almost funny.

September 25, 2015

Yeah I know, I don't often meet someone I feel really excited about. You're not alone, I'd say one year in between relationships is quite common. So... you'll probably keep searching for months. Oh wait, sorry, I wanted to give moral support

September 25, 2015

Yeah I know, I don't often meet someone I feel really excited about. You're not alone, I'd say one year in between relationships is quite common. So... you'll probably keep searching for months. Oh wait, sorry, I wanted to give moral support

Thanks. I think one thing that stupidly bothers me is the suspicion that my ex has someone else already. My ego wants to catch up with her by also finding someone else and being happy. Really dumb, I know. You are right that I will probably be single until around this time next year. In the interim I don't think, though, that I'm capable of handling much more rejection.

September 25, 2015

I guess my question is, does anyone relate to feeling just totally fed up of trying to "prove" yourself to a stranger, someone whose opinion is meaningless anyway?

I do agree with you on the exhaustion and triviality of proving yourself to someone. It is very frustrating and disappointing that no matter what you say or do is not good enough for the person. My ex actually did this to me, and it's painful and embarrassing that I endured it. But what you said in your boldface is a quandary, because a person's genuine opinion should matter, especially if the person you go out on a date with ends up with you in a relationship. I think you should just try to filter their opinions. Appreciate the positive opinion, but don't stand for negative ones.

September 25, 2015

a person's genuine opinion should matter, especially if the person you go out on a date with ends up with you in a relationship.

Yeah, I know what you mean. But they're just judging you from one date, typically, and things like your occupation, etc. I feel that at this time, it's not so good for my self-esteem to constantly be having more women reject me

September 25, 2015

Yeah, I know what you mean. But they're just judging you from one date, typically, and things like your occupation, etc. I feel that at this time, it's not so good for my self-esteem to constantly be having more women reject me

After the course of what I am going through, and still going through, there is a general conclusion I have made now….

I know what I am worth. I know what I have to offer a woman. I know who I am.

I am not perfect, so if a woman wants to knit pick over some issues, the way I see it, if she cares, she would bear with me on some things.

And I am a treasure hunter here in Florida, and to be honest, it is a lot like that in dating. You pass up the trash to find the jewel.

And I can and will say the same seeing it from another point of view….

If a woman wants to pass me up, it is truly her loss.

The fact is, the last 2 relationships I had/still have/maybe have/whatever, I have maintained this belief, but have been weak in other ways, but I am human.

I also believe in God and believe He wiil send me the right woman my way, or even the "old one" in time, if it is meant to be so.

Because God knows what I am worth as well.

My parents were married nearly 50 years before dad died, and I am more than capable of loving a woman for the rest of my life (and the right way).

Bottom line, even after 24 years, I still chat and am friends with a woman who I dated back then, who is now married, and I respect that, but part of her still wishes she had married me.

That says a lot right there.

Yes I know my worth, and so should you.

Edited September 25, 2015 by Guyouthere

September 25, 2015

If you're feeling burnt out on dating, I don't think it will hurt to take a break. For me, dating is only successful when I'm leaning toward the hopeful, optimistic end of the spectrum. Like attracts like. Anytime I've been feeling cynical and burnt out, I've only met bad matches.

I dated off and on for a year and a half before I found a good match for a serious relationship, my last boyfriend. Sometimes after a few early dates that didn't show promise, I'd take a break for a while.

Even when you try to stay all zen and cool about it, dating does kind of put your emotions on a roller coaster. Because with every new prospect, you get a little surge of hope that maybe this one will work out. And then a little wave of disappointment if it doesn't. You have to let those waves of disappointment roll out before another wave of hope and enthusiasm comes in.

I applaud you for getting back out there again. I went through a breakup a month ago, after two months with somebody, and I know I'm really going to have to push myself back into the dating arena. Right now I just don't feel like I have the right mojo for it.

September 25, 2015

Thanks. I think one thing that stupidly bothers me is the suspicion that my ex has someone else already. My ego wants to catch up with her by also finding someone else and being happy. Really dumb, I know. You are right that I will probably be single until around this time next year. In the interim I don't think, though, that I'm capable of handling much more rejection.

No, c'mon, love is not a competition.

Don't let the fact that she may have a relationship be the reason you need to get into one. Yes, companionship is good, but better it be someone you really like and not just a warm body.

Chin up; you'll find your groove. Remember, MOST dating ends in rejection.

September 25, 2015

Reality check:

The last 100-200 years have brought about a significant shift in our culture, and our morals, our expectations, our family & social systems are still playing catch up. Not to pontificate, but that's only accelarated even more in the past 50-75 years, first with immigration, suburb boom, wider entry into college, change from manufacturing, and now the internet.

OP, you're ok to feel worn out. I do to. I'm 3 months past an ex and I'm just starting to get back into the swing. First date next week, calling another one first time tonight.

It's hard early on cause it's all a song and dance until we get to that point where someone says - hey - let's start seeing more of each other.

You never have to "prove yourself". It's not a job interview first off. Secondly, even those are bad places to prove yourself. Just BE yourself. Laugh, cry, etc. If you're meant to be with somone, they'll understand if you are a bit jaded early on. I know, some people swear by the "wait" x months rule. Or you'll need x months between long-term relationships due to just the odds. That's horsecrap. I know people who eloped and are still maried. People who waited to get married for 5 years, then got divorced 2 years later. Life is what happens to us. Of course, don't become a serial dater. Don't date just to date. Date because you want to share your life with someone.

Right now, my first date is with someone who's 6 years older than me (I'm 34). Both my exes were older. I swore I wouldn't date another woman older than me. And, in the middle of us emailing & phoning, her dad passed away. Guess what? Maybe she's not ready to date, but I won't know until I try. I won't assume she will be so I'll still talk to other women, but I'm not making any assumptions. If she's not ready after a while and we've hit it off, see ya. Likewise I'm breaking my rule consciously because I absolutely loved her profile. But we'll see what happens.

September 25, 2015

Hey Oregon...

I would say I'm getting burnt out on dating a little bit...but not because I have to prove myself to anyone.

At first I was going to say 2 months seems early for you to be dating. But then I read it was only 4 months. Mine was a 3 year gig that ended a year ago. After a month I started dating again, but I think I just wanted to find someone to take a stab at my ex, to show her I can do better, don't need her, and can find another relationship. Don't do that. After a few weeks, I started to pick up on what I was doing and stopped.

Now, I'm a year out from breakup and doing pretty well. I feel that if you have to prove yourself to someone (well, you have that mindset going into a date), that you're not ready. I enjoy meeting new people. Now, I have no expectations of a date leading into a relationship.

Back to my original point - I feel like I'm burnt out just because it gets exhausting. I'm dating this one girl now (nothing official, but about 2 months we've been talking) and I'm just not into it anymore. Started talking to this other girl who I was crushing on in elementary school and that doesn't seem to be going anywhere. Its just tiring, same thing over and over. But, I'm not going to settle just to be in a relationship. I have high standards for a reason - because I value myself that way. Look at it this way - We go on dates not to figure out what we like, but to figure out what we don't like.

September 25, 2015

I'm actually in the same position and for the sake of my well-being and happiness I am taking a break from dating. In fact each time I get rejected, I take a few months break because it takes me that long to get my self esteem back, pick myself up and to try again.

You actually commented on my thread, my date slept with another girl after our 2nd date and really liked her. I'm a sensitive soul and it's going to take me time to get over that one.

Everyone is different...if you don't feel ready, don't force it.

September 25, 2015

Thanks a lot for your responses, guys and gals. I wasn't able to quote everyone, but please know that I read them and appreciate them a lot.

I'm gonna hang it up after these next couple of scheduled dates. I just wanted some kind of confirmation that I am still desirable. I think I overstated the "proving myself" point, and I'm not sure if I feel that way; I just think women really evaluate you by your job, and since I don't love my job, I hate talking about it.

I have lots to offer, but I'm not gonna sell it. Everyone seems to want everything. It's impossible. Dating is a minefield, and I think playing in it is just gonna make me explode

I've got to get back into my music and enjoy being alone again. I think a large part of me wanting to date has been to affirm that I still "have it" or something dumb like that.

September 25, 2015

I feel like I'm burnt out just because it gets exhausting. I'm dating this one girl now (nothing official, but about 2 months we've been talking) and I'm just not into it anymore. Started talking to this other girl who I was crushing on in elementary school and that doesn't seem to be going anywhere. Its just tiring, same thing over and over.

Yes. It feels like the definition of insanity. I'm not sure how many more times I'm going to be willing to do the message exchange; give them my phone number; get the text; pick a place; meet there; ask her questions; listen to her talk about herself too much, without asking me much about myself; try to find commonalities; wonder if she likes me; try to think of a second date; and have it all end up going nowhere and feel like I've wasted my time.

I feel like everyone who is dating is unhappy with these processes. And that everyone is looking for someone better than the person they're "seeing". I don't believe in long-term love anymore. I think my parents' generation had it, because of the lack of technology, and a belief in core values that have since gone by the wayside. I no longer think that a woman has any interest in a r/s beyond a couple months. Boredom sets it, and there are other "new" people out there with whom to engage in a fun, exciting honeymoon stage.

I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. Romance is dying a slow and gradual death. People are becoming harder and more alone. I think it's just a matter of accepting one's solitude. I can do that.

September 25, 2015

I'm gonna hang it up after these next couple of scheduled dates. I just wanted some kind of confirmation that I am still desirable. I think I overstated the "proving myself" point, and I'm not sure if I feel that way; I just think women really evaluate you by your job, and since I don't love my job, I hate talking about it.

I think you're right that job/career is an important factor that women consider, especially if you're looking for a relationship leading to marriage and family.

From the female perspective, I know that looks are generally the most important consideration for men, so I make sure I'm in good shape and looking my best when dating. When I'm not dating and looking toward doing so in the near future (like now), I focus on being healthy and fit.

Are you taking any steps to improve your job situation or find a better job?

September 25, 2015

Are you taking any steps to improve your job situation or find a better job?

I am, but I also really don't care to be evaluated and judged on such a shallow criteria. I'm fortunate to even have a job. Again, it really turns me off to know that my occupation is of such importance to a stranger.

Things like being a good person, having values, dreams, intellect... these are much more important than how you earn bits of green paper.

September 25, 2015

I feel like everyone who is dating is unhappy with these processes. And that everyone is looking for someone better than the person they're "seeing". I don't believe in long-term love anymore. I think my parents' generation had it, because of the lack of technology, and a belief in core values that have since gone by the wayside. I no longer think that a woman has any interest in a r/s beyond a couple months. Boredom sets it, and there are other "new" people out there with whom to engage in a fun, exciting honeymoon stage.

I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. Romance is dying a slow and gradual death. People are becoming harder and more alone. I think it's just a matter of accepting one's solitude. I can do that.

This sounds pretty bleak. Believe me, I have been tempted to give in to this line of thinking. But I don't, because I know that I still believe in love, romance, and creating a happy life with a man. I've gotten pretty good at ignoring the distractions. When I find a diamond in the rough, I treasure him. If I think and live this way, there must be men out there who still do, too.

I hope you don't give in to solitude, because then there's going to be one more lonely girl out there who would be a lot happier with you. Humans are social creatures. We thrive best in at least small packs. I'm making the most of living alone again, for now, but ultimately it's not what I want.

Though I haven't found the right guy yet, I only have relationships with men who believe in love and are excited to create a happy relationship. It does take me longer to find suitable partners than if I were just dating for the fun of it, but I'm not happy unless the relationship has depth.

Don't give up on love! You just need a break

September 25, 2015

Thank you for the words of encouragement, Ruby. I'm just having a bad day. I would like to believe there is a woman out there who is capable of true, partnership love. Right now I don't see it anywhere, though.

You'll make the next guy very happy

September 25, 2015

Just want to add, if you are doing online dating, don't ever let it discourage you. OLD gives an inaccurate picture. There are men I've met in real life, that are great guys, very desirable, but I know they wouldn't do well online if they tried.

September 25, 2015

Hey Oregon Dude. I went out in search of people who liked dating---you know, the early stages when you're awkwardly avoiding eye contact over overpriced pasta and the waitress keeps interrupting you---and shockingly got no responses. Seriously though, early dating is terrible. It sucks. I believe some people get married because they're just so damn tired of the whole song and dance. I had a bad stretch when I thought I had to lock down the first guy that wasn't completely awful. The truth is when you meet the right one, you actually WANT to go through the whole getting-to-know-you routine. When it happens you'll know.

It's okay to be burned out. Take some time off if you want. But don't ever lose faith in the universe and its ability to surprise you. If you'd told me two years ago I was going to fall madly in love with the weird engineer who put hot peppers in everything, I would have had you committed. Today I couldn't be happier.

September 25, 2015

The truth is when you meet the right one, you actually WANT to go through the whole getting-to-know-you routine. When it happens you'll know.

Thanks lana.

Thing is... it happened this year. I knew. Knew without a doubt I wanted to be with this woman. Then after a few months, she distanced herself, and we broke up.

I've felt it. I know what you're saying. I just don't think it's in the cards for me anymore.

I just need to learn to truly be OK with being alone. Honestly the thing I miss most is sex.

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Burnt out on dating

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