What do I Think?

[Madv]

So, I am in major need of advice! I just went through a break up, and the spectrum of advice I've already received is not helpful. I'll give the whole story:

 

This guy and I met, let's call him Chris to keep his identity unknown, and it was unlike any guy I've dated. I was in no way looking for a relationship at the point in my life and just expected nothing but an innocent friendship. Within a day, Chris knew my life story and I knew his. Odd, especially since I had totally thrown up my walls due to a previous break up. We spent the next few weeks totally inseparable and he was easily one of the best friends I had ever had. I went away for a week where we were without communication at all and upon returning it was like we were complete and whole again. It's a hard thing to describe, really.

 

From there we established a relationship. We continued on, expressing our mutual wish to "go slow". Our relationship turned out to be anything but slow. I, being his first girlfriend, went with the flow in order to avoid any sort of heart break and allowing him to learn. But within two weeks we both felt strong enough, and ready, and said the big three word phrase. It was not a lie and we both felt it.

 

Once again we had to go separate ways as I had already planned a three week trip home and he remained back where we live. I ended up flying to another state to meet up with him and we drove back across the country. It was a phenomenal trip! He warned me constantly though, when we started classes(we are in college) that he gets really stressed and to not give up on him. He explained that his life goals, all really amazing, and how it was possible by passing his classes to the best of his ability. But, even though he was already top of the class, he worked harder than ever.

 

I took it with a grain of salt and assured him all would be fine and I wouldn't give up. I am an extremely loyal and ambitious person who does not give up. About a month into school he failed a test, miserably. Not my surprise he lashed out, ended our relationship, and ended up crying and apologizing on my lap 24 hours later explaining how that was the worst feeling he has ever felt and he could not lose me, ever. I, still confused and hurt, told him we would work on it but it would be tough. Two weeks later, he found out his dreams were impossible due to outside factors and once again, the relationship was ended. That same day, I was a normal silly girl who ran into him, kissed him, and he was once again crying alongside me saying he couldn't end things again. Fast forward 4 days - happy as before, he once again had a major failure, he didn't get the job he wanted. So, like before, our relationship is what got removed. This time was different however. The conversation pretty much summarizes as him telling me he now only sees this as short term, I'm not important, he doesn't know if he loves me because sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't, and he never ever wants to see me again, anywhere. It was a brutally harsh conversation and out of character. It is almost impossible to go to our school and never see one another.

 

Now, I am struggling with so many things. Keeping the promise to never give up? The fact that I actually care about his well being(he has depression)? Does he even miss me? Why does he keep lashing out? Should I ever contact him again(I have been leaving him alone)? What is going on?

 

If you have any advice, I'd really appreciate it! It's just tough. I know I don't deserve the roller coaster, he even said so himself that I deserved the best and that I haven't done anything wrong. But I just can't make any sense of it. Or whether I support him or not.