Why do people push away and become distant?

[start8957]

Why do men push their loved ones away? I was dating a guy for 2 years and at our 1.5 mark, he started to push me away. The first year was a long distance relationship, the second year was not. Long distance was great. He put so much effort into making me happy. Once he was home for a while, he became distant, it was all a one sided relationship. He never told me that he was unhappy or had a problem with something. Never once talked to me about any issues or worries he had. He just slowly started to make no effort and everything revolved around him.

I always told him that I am simple. You want to be with me, be with me. You don't, be honest and don't. He agreed that that's how he was.

 

Well in my eyes, he just ran away. He wanted a break so he "could work on himself, in order to work on us". He still wanted to keep in touch. I respected that.

I opened up to him, became vulnerable, and told him my biggest fears. He was thankful and said things were looking up for us and it can only get better from now on. And then he went and did my biggest fear by being with another girl, its almost like he did it on purpose. So I basically had to force him to end things with me because his actions spoke so much louder than his words. There was absolutely no effort to try and fix things.

 

Why lead people on? You don't want to be with me, you see me trying and being unhappy, just let me go. Not give me false hope while you are talking to other women.

What kind of characteristics define a man like that? Coward? Emotionally immature or insecure? Perhaps narcissism, because everything revolved around whether or not he was available and had time for me. I'm just trying to understand because I am the complete opposite. If I'm not happy with someone, I talk it through and try to fix it. If it can't be fixed, we part our separate ways. I don't lead the person I love and "fade" away, without any closure or explanation, and move on to someone else, which just ends up hurting the other person even more.

Edited September 25, 2015 by start8957

[Frank2thepoint]

Why do men push their loved ones away?

 

Stop generalizing all men. Some of us men do want to be in a relationship, and are looking for the long haul.

 

 

Why lead people on? You don't want to be with me, you see me trying and being unhappy, just let me go.

 

That's a mystery that both men and women have been questioning with no definitive answer.

 

 

What kind of characteristics define a man like that? Coward? Emotionally immature or insecure? Perhaps narcissism, because everything revolved around whether or not he was available and had time for me.

 

All of the above and probably more negative characteristics can be attributed to him. It doesn't change the fact that he is the way he is. The fact you guys lasted for 2 years means you had a serious relationship with him, but at the 1.5 year mark as you said, something changed him. Remember, in a relationship it takes two to tango. There could have been something happening in his life, or with the relationship with you, or a combination of both, that forced him to change. Unless you had a serious discussion with him, all you are going to have are questions.

 

It's great you wanted to work on the relationship, but don't let one bad experience deter you from a future prospect. At this point, try to find closure, time to mend your heart, and move on. There is no point in dwelling on him. Just make sure not to give him a moment of your time if he decides to crawl back.

[Gloria25]

The 'Men are from Mars, Women Venus' guy?

 

I once read his books and I forgot what he calls it, but some men get to a point where they have to make a decision to stay or advance in a RL. My fav podcaster says that by the 1 1/2 to 2 years mark of actual "dating" (not LDR, friends, shack-ups) is where you hopefully should know enough about a person to see if you wanna take it to the next level.

 

Well, with him, you pretty much reached the 1.5 year mark and seems like he felt he had to make a decision and like the Venus/Mars guy said in his book, some men flee at that point instead of simply making a decision. But eh, when you think about it, him fleeing "is" his decision - he was just too chicken to tell you.

 

Now, the funny thing is the Venus/Mars guy says some men actually come back. They just disappear to clear their heads. And, sounds like he's doing that with you. I mean, you said he wanted to work on himself and you two - and I think that's a commendable trait in a guy. Some people just push forward from dating into marriage and/or kids and aren't ready - even though they are with the "right" person. I think him taking time to make sure he's ready for the next step with you (or anyone) is a responsible choice.

 

So what do you do in the meantime? Well, like the Venus/Mars guy said, you can't chase him. That's just gonna turn him off. You gotta be friendly and like he asked - just stay in touch. Now, IMO, continue to date and probably don't tell him unless he asks (no, don't sleep around) cuz you don't wanna risk putting all your eggs in a basket with him and after his hiatus, he comes back only not to continue with you.

 

Good luck and stay strong...I know the urge (especially in us women) is to reach out when someone pulls away - but that's the last thing you wanna do here. You don't wanna pressure him into coming back and/or advancing with you. If he wants to marry and go forward, let him come to you, don't pressure him into it cuz if you do and he acquiesces, even "if" he like marries you - it might not last cuz he did it out of pressure, not when he was ready.

[start8957]

The first year was long distance. He was in the military and honestly, I think he just really enjoyed having someone waiting at home for him. Once he got home, maybe he realized he doesn't want a relationship. He wasn't willing to put in the work when the honeymoon phase ended. He wanted to feel the same way as he felt when he wouldn't see me for months at a time, which in my opinion is irrational.

 

I'm definitely not chasing him. And I didn't mean to generalize all men, because I have been with men that would do anything for me. The fact that he is/was with another girl while he was supposed to work on himself for the sake of us, just sucks.

 

In the end he completely stopped caring for me. Even after I realized what went wrong, what we could do differently, how we could work on things to fix them. He said it was too late. I know I wasn't perfect. I know what mistakes I made. I know I was suffocating him when he kept pulling away, and I know that we forgot to live our own lives first. But I'm still learning. I was willing to work on it with him and he wasn't.

In the end it was a relief in a way. I finally didn't have to constantly try to make him love me and grasp on to any affection that he gave me. I didn't have to walk on eggshells when talking to him in fear that he would just get up and finally leave.

 

Just would be nice if he told me about these issues right away instead of pushing me away. Instead he gave me every excuse in the book, that it wasn't anything that I was doing wrong. A week before he wanted a break he was still talking about moving in with me. It was just a roller coaster of emotions and games, and I'm sure he's enjoying his honeymoon phase with the new girl now.

[Gloria25]

The first year was long distance. He was in the military and honestly, I think he just really enjoyed having someone waiting at home for him. Once he got home, maybe he realized he doesn't want a relationship. He wasn't willing to put in the work when the honeymoon phase ended. He wanted to feel the same way as he felt when he wouldn't see me for months at a time, which in my opinion is irrational.

 

I'm definitely not chasing him. And I didn't mean to generalize all men, because I have been with men that would do anything for me. The fact that he is/was with another girl while he was supposed to work on himself for the sake of us, just sucks.

 

In the end he completely stopped caring for me. Even after I realized what went wrong, what we could do differently, how we could work on things to fix them. He said it was too late. I know I wasn't perfect. I know what mistakes I made. I know I was suffocating him when he kept pulling away, and I know that we forgot to live our own lives first. But I'm still learning. I was willing to work on it with him and he wasn't.

In the end it was a relief in a way. I finally didn't have to constantly try to make him love me and grasp on to any affection that he gave me. I didn't have to walk on eggshells when talking to him in fear that he would just get up and finally leave.

 

Just would be nice if he told me about these issues right away instead of pushing me away. Instead he gave me every excuse in the book, that it wasn't anything that I was doing wrong. A week before he wanted a break he was still talking about moving in with me. It was just a roller coaster of emotions and games, and I'm sure he's enjoying his honeymoon phase with the new girl now.

 

Well, if he's military, don't take it personal...

 

I've seen this over and over - guys want an "anchor" while they are away/deployed cuz it helps to have "someone" at home who cares for you. Now that he's back he probably has to really take a look at "you" and see if he really wants to be with "you".

 

One guy I was seeing in the military? We started seeing each other and deployment rolled around and he wanted to break it off before he left. Actually, he started seeing some floozy before he did. At first I didn't get it (even though I knew of guys who get "anchors") cuz I thought we had built a foundation strong enough to weather a deployment and I "wanted" to be his support while he was gone...

 

But nah, he preferred to cut it off and when he came back he wanted to pick it back up and I was like "nope".

 

But looking back, I respect him for wanting to cut it off. I wouldn't want him to have kept it going on with me just to have an "anchor" then come home and dump me. Also, while an "anchor" can keep some men sane while deployed - to some men it's too much stress wondering if their SO is cheating, bored, etc.

 

So, again, don't take this personal...just realize some military guys do this a lot. Just be happy he didn't marry you and/or have a kid with you (extreme examples of anchors) and come home to divorce you.

[start8957]

I remember him telling me that it was really nice having someone home waiting for him. He was stationed in another state, as well as deployment. So I knew the real relationship would start once he was home. Once he was home, right away I noticed that he was just doing him. Everything was focused on him. I had to remind him, hey, remember me? I'm here as well. So then he tried to make it work.

But I think that's just his personality. He's very independent and maybe a little full of himself, to the point where no one else matters. It was like pulling teeth to try to get him to WANT to plan something with me first. Even when I asked for just one day a week to do something together. During the breakup he mentioned that since he got home, it wasn't what he expected. Hello? You couldn't tell me this a year ago?

 

And now he's seeing some girl that he was stationed with before he met me.

 

Maybe I'm just seeing how he really is now. Maybe he wasn't ready for a real committed relationship. Looking back at it, after 6 months of dating long distance, I had to initiate that I want the relationship to be official if I am willing to wait a year. To me it meant commitment. He on the other hand didn't believe in labels. I was the first one that said that I love him.

 

Its only been less than 3 weeks since the breakup, and I started out blaming myself, to blaming him, to blaming myself again. Maybe I was too needy and insecure at times. Maybe he was a great guy and I pushed him away. But like someone said, it takes two to tango. And some communication from the other partner would be nice as well.

 

I'm sure it'll get easier with time and I won't have to vent about this anymore.

[casey.lives]

I push away because i feel like something's wrong and im scared or ... to enjoy and savor the intensity of the wonderfulness.