Becoming disturbed & uncomfortable in new residence

[thunder777]

2 months ago i moved into my mates house which he owns. he has a granny flat in the back yard, where im now staying

 

i moved out from girlfriends house but thats another story

 

i been very close to this mate for at least 20 years, he's almost been like a brother. before moving in with girlfriend i lived in a hotel room by myself which my employer lets me come back to in my rogue travels

 

after 2 months im becoming quite disturbed living here & im thinking it might be best to go back to the hotel to at least have my own space because here are some disturbing things that im noticing....

 

• Mate is coming into my key locked room anytime he pleases when im not home
  
• He only talks to me when he has some new obsessive house rule to bark at me, he has a daily quota to reach
  
• He regards me & my car as a taxi service, that whenever he wishes to go to drinking venues, he is already making plans for me to drive him there, without even asking me
  
• He broke up with a girl a year ago & now all he does with his day is watches youtube broken hearts "all men must hate women" videos (MWGTOW)
  
• When i reluctantly get into general converstaions, he begins to launch out 5 minute vents of non stop whinging just for the sake of hearing his own voice
  
• He insults everything & everyone behind their backs has nothing good to say about anyone, so i assume he does the same when talking about me to other people
  
• He happily shares all my private & personal ongoings with anyone who comes along and feels its in his right to talk for me and converse all my own confidence to random strangers just for the sake of conversation
  

 

id prefer to stay here in this granny flat, because living in a hotel room upstairs above a pub has little convenience, especially as its my place of employment too, but im tired of this intrusion into my domain, just wish to be left alone, and normally i like my mate, but now im becoming displeased with this individual

 

i tend to simply pack up & leave rather than trying to smooth out issues with people, is there anyway i could approach this or should i just go back to hotel room and seek a new residence

 

thanks so much for any help

Edited September 25, 2015 by thunder777

[d0nnivain]

If this is to be fixed you have to talk. First, tell him to stay out of your room. There are probably laws on the books where you live about when landlords can enter dwellings. Have that info as back up.

 

 

Tell him you are happy to drive him if you are going anyway because you are friends after all but he shouldn't expect taxi service.

 

 

Ask if you can move to the flat & pay rent to preserve the friendship because you think familiarity is breeding contempt.

 

 

As for his personal habits, it's his house so I think those are take it or leave it propositions. They presumably didn't bug you that much when you didn't live there.

[Lois_Griffin]

You don't mention that you're paying him rent. You just say you're 'staying there.'

 

ARE you paying rent?

 

If not, then you don't really have tenants rights and I would imagine he can come in there any time he feels like it.

 

And if you're not paying rent, then the LEAST you can do is offer taxi service. You're still getting off cheap.

[Els]

Are you paying rent to him?

 

If you aren't, I can see why he feels entitled to all that. I don't necessarily think it's right, but you did put yourself in that situation by accepting a rent-free offer from a friend...

 

Probably better for everyone all around if you moved out.

[Art_Critic]

The biggest one I see is this one :

 

Mate is coming into my key locked room anytime he pleases when im not home

 

Holy crap.. unless it has to do with a repair then he shouldn't invade your privacy like that.. geez..

 

Have you thought about recording what he is doing in there.. does he go thru your things..

[thunder777]

yea im paying rent 200 per week

 

i think he feels its his home so he can do whatever he pleases

 

i dont think im built for sharing homes with people that arent girlfriends. hav always been a bachelor

 

whether he is coning in or not im really disturbed having to mingle with him, his social ethics are quite dire and he's still hung up from his ex dumping him a year ago

 

hes my mate of many years and im really sad for where his head is at, me moving out will also bring less revenue and hes already very close to losing this house due to mortgage payments

 

but my days dont need this disturbia dont wanna attack all his flaws, might just quietly leave

[thunder777]

and yea im afraid to leave anything personal lying around everything of mine feels vunerable to his prying eyes

[spiderowl]

My overwhelming impression is that this guy is aggressive. He talks aggressive, rants by the sound of it, is trying to impose rules all the time, invades your space. This is not a guy who you can 'cure' by talking to him. He has underlying feelings of anger and a desire to punish that are driving this behaviour, quite likely unresolved feelings about his ex. She may have left him because he was aggressive in personality if not physically. Personally, I would not try to put this right with him, but would leave as soon as possible. When he can abide by your rules, then he could visit you, but otherwise keep a bit of a distance between you for a while.

[Gloria25]

I say raise the issue(s) with him, but be prepared to move out immediately...

 

I learned, years ago when I left my parents' home that I'd never, ever subject myself to the mercy of living under someone else's roof/rules AGAIN!!!

 

When I was in the military I hated sharing barrack rooms, but was spoiled and most of my assignments I had my own room or lived off post.

 

Out of the military, it took me renting an apt once and going into a townhome where the HOA wanted me to give them a spare key to belt down and buy my 2nd "house". Where "I" am the only one to grant access to whom I want.

 

I tried the whole renting a room when I was in the military and will never, ever do it again unless that person had their own private entrance and no access to the rest of my home.

[preraph]

No boundaries. Probably more trouble than it's worth to change him.

[thunder777]

yea im going to approach him tell him im not comfortable and very close to leaving

 

1st topic...

 

# to establish where he stands on his rights to come into my room when im not there, & install the fact that it is an invasion of my privacy and possibly illegal

 

2nd topic...

 

# i always have to go into the house, to get my food from the freezer, i will request that we try to get a freezer in my granny flat so i dont have to traverse into the home & experience him watching "hate all women" videos on youtube. its sickening, he doesnt even have a tv, just sits in lounge watching youtube "all women are evil cult" videos

 

3rd topic...

 

# inform him that i do not wish to ever be asked again, to drive him to the pub

 

----------------------------

 

id prefer to stay here and attempt to fix my anxieties first, else i will have no choice but to go back to the confined hotel room and start again

[spiderowl]

# i always have to go into the house, to get my food from the freezer, i will request that we try to get a freezer in my granny flat so i dont have to traverse into the home & experience him watching "hate all women" videos on youtube. its sickening, he doesnt even have a tv, just sits in lounge watching youtube "all women are evil cult" videos

 

 

His viewing habits seem very disturbing given his general demeanour and invasive behaviour. Do you know if he has any kind of criminal record?

[thunder777]

he's not that bad, actually quite gentle, but cant handle his own venting/whinging

 

ive been ruminating on the idea thats he's been coming into my room and obviously ive been furious about that concept

 

i relaxed in the hotel room for an hour and realised goin back there would be a step backwards, very small, noisy main road traffic and the feelings of being caged in flooded back to me.

 

so i had to have a talk to my mate, and brought up my issues

 

we stated the morality of coming into my room and whether or not he has been coming in, this chat should prevent any thoughts of him doing so in the future. we also discussed me getting a freezer into my room so i dont have to come into the house/kitchen and mingle past all his antics on youtube with hating women

 

he had a devasting break up, and still hasnt healed from it even after a year, his anger towards women is sky high, just needs to put his energy into a new girl rather than watching all these MWGTOW videos on youtube

 

i call it the "broken hearts club" but its a concern how big the MWGTOW cult is in the world and the hostility men are sharing between themselves in regards to the ethics of women

Edited September 27, 2015 by thunder777