LookAtThisPOst Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 ...and when I say "older" I mean probably mid-30s and up. Recently I had come across this woman on OK Cupid that lives in the boonies, she'd recently broken up with her fiance of 2 years because of the distance they lived between each other...about an hour and 30 mins. Apparently, neither would give up their livelihood or had been so entrenched in their community that they refused to take up roots and move in together. He was the one mostly and apparently coming up to see her most of the time, but she was so obsessed with her volunteer work, charity, and other after-work activities to really give any of it up and leave. Anyhow, point being, when people get serious and they live a certain distance away from each other, even an hour...there will come a time someone that's going to have to give up their home and move in with the other person? How does one make that determination? Funny, when really YOUNG people get married,some are still living with their parents...so it's a non-issue.
LilaMarie Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 I think a good relationship is when two people are able to compromise. I would move across the world for the right guy...but that's just me. Of course this would be only after getting married.
CarrieT Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Anyhow, point being, when people get serious and they live a certain distance away from each other, even an hour...there will come a time someone that's going to have to give up their home and move in with the other person? I was doing a lot of online dating in my late 40s. At that time, I was getting hit on by a LOT of men who were states away from me but when it came to actually meeting someone, I would pretty emphatically only agree to meet someone if they lived within 60 miles or so. Then I saw a profile of a guy who was perfect on paper, but he was a two-hour drive. I initially declined his offer of meeting but he talked me into it. A year later we were engaged. I gave up my life in the town that I knew and moved to his town. Two years after our first date we got married and have been married for to years. How does one make that determination? Sometimes you don't know until you meet the person. If you want them enough and they want you enough, one makes compromises. 5
scooby-philly Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Hey OP, It's all about values & interests (or priorities if you want to use that term) We all have certain things that are non-negotiable, stuff that isn't that should be, stuff we say that is (or could be) but isn't when push comes to shove, and stuff that is and always will be. The thing is we don't know all of that until we've gone around the block a few times. By late 30's though, both parties should have a very clear idea of that and that should be up front. LDR's hardly work out great anyway, so if one person is not going to move, then that's got to be articulated early on to avoid mess and heart/head aches. To be honest, it all comes down to what are internal views of the world and our expectations are. I dated the wrong, wrong woman for a year - she wanted someone to fill in the hours when she wasn't being active, someone to appear responsible, and wasn't very good as a mom. SUffice to say, our views of the world, parenting, partnership weren't the same. While part of it is a knock against her, I also realize that part of the issue was me hanging around way too long and not just cutting ties when it was clear we weren't in alignment.
rocketman122 Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 I was doing a lot of online dating in my late 40s. At that time, I was getting hit on by a LOT of men who were states away from me but when it came to actually meeting someone, I would pretty emphatically only agree to meet someone if they lived within 60 miles or so. Then I saw a profile of a guy who was perfect on paper, but he was a two-hour drive. I initially declined his offer of meeting but he talked me into it. A year later we were engaged. I gave up my life in the town that I knew and moved to his town. Two years after our first date we got married and have been married for to years. Sometimes you don't know until you meet the person. If you want them enough and they want you enough, one makes compromises. bravo. I met my ex through OLD. realized she lives a bit of a distance. not a lot to many people but doing it on two wheels is not fun. but I was very hesitant and wondered how will I be able to sustain such a relationship. I met her, fell in love in a shoirt time. we dated for 3 years. I was supposed to move there this month actually. your statement is correct " If you want them enough and they want you enough, one makes compromises. " in my situation, unfortunately, it was much more one sided. good relationship from afar, but she didnt want it as much as I did. when everyone around you tells you not to move AND your partner doesnt give you the feeling they want you to move, then its bound to fail.
kendahke Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 ...and when I say "older" I mean probably mid-30s and up. Recently I had come across this woman on OK Cupid that lives in the boonies, she'd recently broken up with her fiance of 2 years because of the distance they lived between each other...about an hour and 30 mins. Apparently, neither would give up their livelihood or had been so entrenched in their community that they refused to take up roots and move in together. He was the one mostly and apparently coming up to see her most of the time, but she was so obsessed with her volunteer work, charity, and other after-work activities to really give any of it up and leave. Anyhow, point being, when people get serious and they live a certain distance away from each other, even an hour...there will come a time someone that's going to have to give up their home and move in with the other person? How does one make that determination? I think that one has to take into account what demands there are on their time already before getting with the new person, as well as if they're geographically desirable. Traffic is a real struggle. I, for one, wouldn't consider starting anything with anyone who lives beyond a 25 mile radius of me because of how bad the traffic is in the DMV area. It makes no sense to spend all of my time in traffic for a couple of hours. And plenty of men on OKC say the same thing in their profiles--and I can't say that I blame them. I'm about 10 or so years from retirement and most of the men that I speak to are of the same age or older, meaning they're either on the cusp of retirement or they've retired already. Right now, I'd have to live near enough to my job that getting in to work isn't a career in itself; they may want to remain in their area because of kids and grandkids and/or activities and such things that are of interest to the guy. Once I've retired, then I'd be inclined to consider moving wherever they are (as long as it's not down south).
GunslingerRoland Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 I don't see what the point is of all those people who do online (or other) dating and meet people from far away, when they don't want to move. Talk about setting yourself up for failure.
GemmaUK Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 I would move for a guy if the guy was the right guy. It's a lot about whether he has integrity - it's kinda the flatline in relationships - for me anyway. So far I have found the guys not to be what I would want in my future life. As dating goes along you get to know and figure someone out. Plus, if their lifestyle is not where you want to end up. then it's not going to work for either party. On that note, I know many who have upped sticks with the right one for them in their forties and are going strong. Integrity is it. Values too.
Author LookAtThisPOst Posted September 25, 2015 Author Posted September 25, 2015 I think that one has to take into account what demands there are on their time already before getting with the new person, as well as if they're geographically desirable. Traffic is a real struggle. I, for one, wouldn't consider starting anything with anyone who lives beyond a 25 mile radius of me because of how bad the traffic is in the DMV area. It makes no sense to spend all of my time in traffic for a couple of hours. And plenty of men on OKC say the same thing in their profiles--and I can't say that I blame them. I'm about 10 or so years from retirement and most of the men that I speak to are of the same age or older, meaning they're either on the cusp of retirement or they've retired already. Right now, I'd have to live near enough to my job that getting in to work isn't a career in itself; they may want to remain in their area because of kids and grandkids and/or activities and such things that are of interest to the guy. Once I've retired, then I'd be inclined to consider moving wherever they are (as long as it's not down south). I think it depends on the "lay of the land" where this one woman and I live on OKC, we pretty much have to travel certain distances to get to locations as it becomes more spread out in comparison to a congested city. Does make long trips shorter on country roads and straight aways. She's only short of an hour from where I live and she told me, "She'll never do that again." She's pretty much limiting herself by not being open to this, as this is a requisite of meeting people online. She's considered a professional in her area and even said there's just a dozen people of what she considered "Stable singles", and she knows all of them. lol. Her reason for being on the site...she basically listed "her city's name" and the lack of prospects, unless of course you count the backwater rednecks and retirees. She's actually better off relocating to a big city all together in actuality because to look at her she looks like a big city girl that's out of place, but she claims she adores her small town community and wouldn't give it up for the world, even though her kids are moved away..with the kids gone, she really has no reason to take up roots and leave. I know quite a few people that drove an hour to HER city from my are for work, so I don't see what the big deal is. She threw a future/engagement to a man away for her after work charity, Rotary Club, and Film Festival stuff. *shrug* I could easily give up that stuff for a new girlfriend. At least ONE of them, but according to her, they tie into her 9 to 5 job...somehow. *shrug*
GemmaUK Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 LATP did she ever reply to your first mail that you sent and started a thread about? It kinda sounds like she didn't as there was no new info here so why is her situation a problem for you? Why are you still thinking about it? 2
alphamale Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 well LATP, I don't know what to say except buy a Hybrid and get better MPG 1
Imajerk17 Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 (edited) LATP, I think you are confusing the RATIONALIZATIONS women tell you (in this instance, "an hour is just too far away", ect) with what is really happening. As the rationalizations are only PARTIAL truth and aren't all of what is really happening, they often do not make perfect sense. Hence, *almost all* of the threads you write on here trying to make sense of them. This woman who is the subject of this thread? I guarantee you that if someone came along who really intrigued her, she wouldn't "limit herself" in regards to meeting up with him. It has been suggested before: Why not move closer to the big city in your area. It can only improve your dating life, if only because you will have a wider pool of new prospects. Edited September 26, 2015 by Imajerk17 1
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