Mikau Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 (edited) Hi, I've been with my girlfriend almost 4 months now. She's my first girlfriend, first sexual encounter, first kiss. Seeing as this was and is all new to me, in my naiveté I asked her about saying 'I love you' on holiday last month. I knew I had strong feelings for her, but (cliché), I didn't know what 'loving somebody' in that sense meant. Ofcourse I love my close family, but other than that I don't think I have anybody I would describe as more than 'I'm very fond of you'. So I told her this, and she told me that she sees saying 'I love you' to a romantic partner as more of a 'I'll love you forever' thing. There have been things in her past that make her a bit cynical towards the concept of love and trusting sombody completely like that, and I fully understand. She has no problem saying it to her friends, but I guess that's very different from feeling it for your SO. Now, in the last month, things have changed. My feelings for her are getting stronger and stronger, and where I didn't know what 'I love you' felt like before, during our last two perfect days together I had the urge to say it. Her actions indicate that her feelings are getting stronger as well and that some of her walls are starting to crumble, but I very much doubt she'd say it back if I did tell her. So now the question becomes, do I censor myself because I know she'll likely won't say it back and it'll make it awkward for the both of us? I honestly don't know if I'll be able to deal with her not saying it back (I have a history with insecurity, and while it's mostly gone it has still manifested itself sometimes in this new part of my life). At the same time, it puts pressure on her that I'm not sure I want to put on her. She has commitment-phobia to some degree. On the other hand, I should be able to say something I feel, right? I kind of fear saying it will change (potentially for the worse) what we have right now, because it has felt perfect the last weeks. As a bit of extra background. We're both 26, she had had multiple LTR and was even engaged a few times. She moved to my country from a very strict orthodox country, and she was basically pressured into those engagements by societal norms. Any input is appreciated. Edited September 25, 2015 by Mikau
acrosstheuniverse Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 If you feel it, say it! It's been four months not four dates, and you're in your mid twenties. It's not like you'd be rushing if you did say it. All that matters is that you genuinely feel it. If it scares her off after this length of time dating and your ages, she wasn't that into this anyway. Just be prepared not to hear it back. Prepare yourself to say it and not hear it back, so that the moment isn't ruined by anticipation and disappointment. You should only ever say it to someone when you truly mean it and want to say it, not when you feel pressured to say it. So as long as you can view this as you letting her know how you feel, without feeling torn if she doesn't say it right back (which doesn't mean she never will by the way, some people take longer than others or wanna be more sure), if it's difficult to hold in any longer then tell her.
Tribble Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 I completely agree with the above. If you feel it, absolutely say it. But do prepare yourself to not hear it back and realise that it isn't a rejection. I have fairly big and solid walls up when it comes to relationships. In my last relationship, my bf said it to me when he was drunk (haha) but I know he'd been wanting to say it for a while. I wasn't ready to say it back and (I think) he was OK with that. He kept saying it to me because that's how he felt but I didn't feel pressure to say it back. It's a big deal to me to say it and I wanted to wait until I was absolutely sure. And that showed respect to him too, who wants to hear it when it's just a response, 'yea, me too'. When I said it back, I meant it and it meant a lot for him to hear it knowing I meant it with all my heart. 1
newmoon Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 engaged a few times? either she doesn't know what love is, or she tosses the word around liberally. i'd be a bit wary of saying it at this stage. could be the minute she hears it she leaves men, which is why there is a trail behind her. her experience is way beyond yours, so exercise some caution.
acrosstheuniverse Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 engaged a few times? either she doesn't know what love is, or she tosses the word around liberally. i'd be a bit wary of saying it at this stage. could be the minute she hears it she leaves men, which is why there is a trail behind her. her experience is way beyond yours, so exercise some caution. I thought the same until I read that a lot of the engagements she was pressured into due to social norms... probably parents setting her up rather than actually falling for someone, dating a few years and then getting engaged. I might me wrong but I viewed it differently as I would someone from my own totally liberal culture where getting engaged is a huge deal and something you generally only do once or twice before you marry. Surely though, if she's the type of girl to bolt once she hears an ILY, it's better to find that out now? Not saying it, to keep someone around a little longer who's only gonna leave soon anyway, strays into game playing for me. We don't know this girl or how she is in relationships (I mean I've had a tonne of sexual experience, several serious relationships, and if I met a new partner it wouldn't make it any more or less special to me or make me any less serious about it just because I'd had a lot of experience already) so I think it's a mistake to try and get the OP to act cautiously based on a perceived notion that she's gonna do him some damage or be a man eater. Be your true authentic self, OP. If you say you love her and it messes this up, it was gonna mess up whenever you said it anyway probably. And if it screws up, well this is just the first path on your road to the 'experience' we all talk about. Be honest. You clearly want to say it or you wouldn't be here. Don't let your differing experience levels affect that because you can't change it and so far, she wants you and you want her. That's all that matters. Who knows, she may really dig a guy who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to show it!
Author Mikau Posted September 25, 2015 Author Posted September 25, 2015 (edited) engaged a few times? either she doesn't know what love is, or she tosses the word around liberally. i'd be a bit wary of saying it at this stage. could be the minute she hears it she leaves men, which is why there is a trail behind her. her experience is way beyond yours, so exercise some caution. Don't say it. Also, I would be wary. This girl has been ENGAGED MULTIPLE TIMES and had many LTRs. You're dealing with a broken woman here with tons of possible issues. I'm sure you will just make up all sorts of excuses but at the end of the day. You're inexperienced and she is very experienced. She will chew you up and spit you out before you even know what's going on. I very much doubt she leaves men the minute she hears it. Hell, the last guy she dated told her he loved her on the second date and he managed to last a month. She's been engaged multiple (as in 2) times yes. That might be a red flag, but it's also a product of her environment. She's from a culture where if you don't get married before a certain age you have 'failed' as a person (and more so as a woman). I'm sure that contributed majorly towards both her exes proposing and her saying yes. She's had, as far as I know, 5 LTR lasting between a year and 3 since she was ~16. I'm not sure that's that strange. I'm not saying I shouldn't be weary, but I don't think her having baggage (which she 100% does, but then, who doesn't. Even not having baggage in that sense is technically baggage) makes her either broken or some man eater. At this moment I have no reason to doubt that what we have is real and that we both intend to make it last. As for saying it, I'm still torn. On one hand I'm feeling it right now, on the other hand it might be wiser to hold it for a bit. Not because I think she's going to bail, but maybe moreso because my inexperience makes it harder for me to judge the difference between love and puppy infatuation/clinginess due to her being my first. Edited September 25, 2015 by Mikau
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