I'm still so messed up

[geronimo]

Hi guys, so I have been on here for a while now and I really hoped that I would be over my ex by this point but it hasn't yet happened. A bit of a back story - ex and I were each others first loves started dating young she was 15 I was 18 and we dated for about 4.5 years. It's been almost a year since we broke up and I have been doing NC and trying to get over her but I can't seem to get over it.

 

I really felt like she was the love of my life but then she just gave up on us one day, blamed it on her parents (saying we won't work out and they won't approve cuz of our religious backgrounds) but it seems like she left me for the guy that she is currently dating. I thought it was a rebound and that they would have broken up by now (not that I want her back..anymore) but yea.

 

So I was in total NC for about 6 months and she called me up one day cuz we had made a promise to eachother to meet up on our 5th anniversary and I was stupid enough to fall into the trap and go and see her. After that we kept in contact here and there and she was making it seem like she was into me again and that she might breakup with her bf but it didn't happen so I got mad at her and told her never to talk to me again (this happened about 1.5-2 months ago) we still have eachother on social media but I don't stalk her and she rarely posts anything.

 

Anyways the thing that bothers me these days is 1 that I'm still not over it even though it's been almost a year. 2 as much as I wanted to get back with her again I know I deserve better and not someone who is going to walk out on me when she thinks she's found someone better but idk there's still something in me I guess that wants her to come back even though I wouldn't be in a relationship with her. Lastly I still talk about her to people here and there and almost everyone says that she is probably sleeping with the guy that she is now dating which really ficks me up cuz we dated for about 5 years and never had sex cuz she wanted to "save it till marriage" and I respected that but she seems to be so into this guy and people say that it's probably cuz she lost her virginity to him

And also the fact that she is now older and "ready" to do it.

 

I wish I could just find someone else and get over her but the fact is I don't want to get into anything else until I'm fully over this but it's just getting worse instead of better. Sure it doesn't bother me all the time and I don't cry about it or whatever but she is still constantly on my mind.

 

Idk any words of wisdom or advice or your thoughts would be appreciated I just feel so low and pathetic ATM cuz I'm sitting here sulking about her while she's off with some next guy having the time of her life

[thejabberwocky]

You say you did NC but it really sounds like you're keeping this relationship alive by focusing on it so much.

 

You should never have met up with her, chatted occasionally, or kept her on social media. You're obsessing about her current relationship and whether they might breakup. It's better to just not know and get it out of your head.

 

You can keep a relationship "alive" in your head for YEARS. Don't do that to yourself. I did that after my first real boyfriend too - I pretended like we were going to get back together for a year after our breakup. I kept thinking about him and fantasizing about our lives together and obsessing about whether or not he was going to breakup with his new gf.

 

You've got to stop. She doesn't want to be with you. Block her number and social media and let go.

[geronimo]

You say you did NC but it really sounds like you're keeping this relationship alive by focusing on it so much.

 

You should never have met up with her, chatted occasionally, or kept her on social media. You're obsessing about her current relationship and whether they might breakup. It's better to just not know and get it out of your head.

 

You can keep a relationship "alive" in your head for YEARS. Don't do that to yourself. I did that after my first real boyfriend too - I pretended like we were going to get back together for a year after our breakup. I kept thinking about him and fantasizing about our lives together and obsessing about whether or not he was going to breakup with his new gf.

 

You've got to stop. She doesn't want to be with you. Block her number and social media and let go.

 

The thing is that I don't fantasize about us getting back together and everything anymore though cuz I don't want to get back together with her. I know it will never work out because I will always have doubts and trust issues. BUT I do want her to "come back" just so I can tell her to go f*ck herself especially after everything she put me through.

 

I have her on social media and I don't want to block her again cuz its going to make it seem like im still not over her, but i have deleted her number off my phone a long time ago. I'm honestly trying to let her go but I just can't seem to do it. I love her alot still but the fact is I know i deserve someoene way better who would give me the same respect and care that I give her but I didn't get that from my ex. I"m not saying our relationship was bad cuz it wasn't but I always had this feeling that she was never 100% in it and now it feels even worse that she is in this relationship with some guy she barely knew and she is so into him when he is half the man I am (not trying to boost myself but its just the truth) but then again clearly he has something I don't thats why she chose him over me.

[pidgeon1010]

You have been broken up for a year but you only really just started no contact 1.5-2 months ago. Hate to say this but you have a ways to go to get over her. That is why is very important to go complete NC as soon as someone breaks up with you and move on. You accepted her breadcrumbs, met up with her and kept holding on to hope that she would come back. Hopefully you are now truly ready to move on. If you implement NC fully, the pain will subside. You will have setbacks along the way but you keep moving forward. It is is process. Best wishes!

[thunder777]

dude delete her off social media immediately

 

its been a year but your no contact hasnt even begun, no wonder youre still a mess

 

she must become a stranger, an irrelevant individual who is as irrelevant as the next random stranger

 

your trying to sail into new horizens and youve still got that demon lingering on your boat. chuck it over board.... immediately

[geronimo]

Yea I agree with both of you and I am ready to move on. It just hurts knowing that you were so easily replaced especially after a long term relationship.

 

I will think about blocking her on social media but I do make a conscious effort not to fall upon anything she posts cuz I don't want to know what's going on anymore. Fact is I loved her a lot more than she loved me and she took it for granted. I just never though she would do this to me as I didn't think of her as this type of person. I just feel betrayed and it's just putting salt on the wound when I found out that she is with this guy when he does half the **** I would for her and doesn't even respect her the way I did but she still chooses to be with him.

 

I was reading up on dominance and alpha males and I guess it comes down to that, maybe he's more of an alpha than I was cuz I know over the years I stopped being alpha and just subsided to things she wanted to keep her happy.

[thunder777]

u will "think" about blocking her?

 

so ur not quite sure & u want to keep hanging onto some irrelevant stranger and creepily stalk her once a day to get a daily update on whos been pumping her next just so u can feel just a little bit more worse because she threw u out as garbage and thats ok as long as she makes u feel like a weakling for another year her amazing existence is so important to you and no way will u let go the way she let go of u way over a year ago

 

i hope youve gotten laid in this past year?

[NVO]

I will think about blocking her on social media but I do make a conscious effort not to fall upon anything she posts cuz I don't want to know what's going on anymore.

 

You make a conscious effort. That means you are too focused on evading her. You know why? Because you have not deleted her. I was that guy you are, afraid to hurt my ex if I deleted, or stopped contacting her. She deleted me instead, and let me tell you the only way to get over her is to let all those things go so you won't stress about it anymore. Even you saying that she does not post often means you are monitoring. Stop that. Why are you hurting yourself? If she wants to contact you, she will find a way. If she wants you back on social media, she will add you.

 

And please, that alpha male stuff is such bs. You are fine as you are now. I was like that too. And I was searching all different things that I wanted to change about me. But in the end you will reconnect with your innerself, and that is the point you start being awesome again. You are lost now, but take your time to find yourself again.

 

She was just not interested anymore. Well, her loss. And yeah, she found somebody new and you got left behind. But you will be amazed how fast you will recover of you limit all the contact as much as you can. So if you want to be that alpha male, take matters in your own hand now.

Edited September 25, 2015 by NVO

[buck3200]

Am I understanding you right....your like 26-27 and are a virgin ? If so you need to fix that and as likely as not you'll get over her. Don't corrupt some innocent person...but there are plenty of booty calls out there...have some fun and live a little. It's too damn short!!!!

[singme2sleep]

OP I truly feel your pain. Have you seen a therapist?

[geronimo]

u will "think" about blocking her?

 

so ur not quite sure & u want to keep hanging onto some irrelevant stranger and creepily stalk her once a day to get a daily update on whos been pumping her next just so u can feel just a little bit more worse because she threw u out as garbage and thats ok as long as she makes u feel like a weakling for another year her amazing existence is so important to you and no way will u let go the way she let go of u way over a year ago

 

i hope youve gotten laid in this past year?

 

I blocked her off everything, you're right, she is now an irrelevant stranger no matter how much that sucks.

 

And no unfortunately I haven't been laid in the past year, but tbh thats my own choice, I dont want to have sex with just anybody, esp my first time, i know it sounds weird/feminine but thats just the way I am.

 

Also to the dude who said i was 26/27, buddy do your math man im 23 lol

[geronimo]

You make a conscious effort. That means you are too focused on evading her. You know why? Because you have not deleted her. I was that guy you are, afraid to hurt my ex if I deleted, or stopped contacting her. She deleted me instead, and let me tell you the only way to get over her is to let all those things go so you won't stress about it anymore. Even you saying that she does not post often means you are monitoring. Stop that. Why are you hurting yourself? If she wants to contact you, she will find a way. If she wants you back on social media, she will add you.

 

And please, that alpha male stuff is such bs. You are fine as you are now. I was like that too. And I was searching all different things that I wanted to change about me. But in the end you will reconnect with your innerself, and that is the point you start being awesome again. You are lost now, but take your time to find yourself again.

 

She was just not interested anymore. Well, her loss. And yeah, she found somebody new and you got left behind. But you will be amazed how fast you will recover of you limit all the contact as much as you can. So if you want to be that alpha male, take matters in your own hand now.

 

Thankyou so much that actually really helped! Its just so hard after going through a tough breakup, especially when you never saw this coming and were replaced by someone else. You feel worthless and devalued because they left you for another. Thats the biggest problem I have these days is getting over the fact that she left me not because of me per say but because of what she wanted and at the end of the day I was just not the person she wanted to be with but that doesn't mean there is something wrong with me or that I won't be able to find someone who truly loves me for me.

[geronimo]

OP I truly feel your pain. Have you seen a therapist?

 

No i haven't, I had thought about it near the beginning of the relationship when things were really bad but slowly I was getting better so thought that its just normal and to keep going. But some days are still so bad and Im nearing the one year mark soon, i just want to be completely over it already.

 

But i guess as people say you don't really get over someone, you just find someone else to think about.

[singme2sleep]

But i guess as people say you don't really get over someone, you just find someone else to think about.

 

It's like when somebody dies, you don't get over it you just learn how to live without them.

[louxor]

You must cut all ties, everything. Delete her on fb, block her everywhere else.

 

Going from my current experience, my gf of 2.5 years recently broke up with me on fairly peaceful terms.

Since then I have cut her off everywhere, and I'm finding it much easier this way than my relationship prior where I didn't go full NC (and that relationship was a way ****tier, shorter one than the one I'm getting over now)

 

What I'm trying to say is, sticking to NC is proving to be a hell of a lot better for my recovery than not sticking to it was, even when keeping in mind my most recent relationship was 100x better than the one before so I have lost something much more significant.

 

NC works. It's that simple. It's been about a week and I'm beginning to not care what she's doing, who she's with and all that. Why? Because how can you care about something you know nothing about, right?

 

Hope this helps you see the benefits of complete NC

[NVO]

Thankyou so much that actually really helped! Its just so hard after going through a tough breakup, especially when you never saw this coming and were replaced by someone else. You feel worthless and devalued because they left you for another. Thats the biggest problem I have these days is getting over the fact that she left me not because of me per say but because of what she wanted and at the end of the day I was just not the person she wanted to be with but that doesn't mean there is something wrong with me or that I won't be able to find someone who truly loves me for me.

 

Glad I could help you out Geronimo! I was afraid my reaction might seem a bit harsh but you are so like me that I figured you needed it, like I did haha.

 

The break-ups out of the blue are the ones that are the hardest to deal with, I totally agree with you. One day everything is perfectly normal, the next day your whole life is upside down. It took me a while to come to the conclusion that it wasn't all my fault. It's a cliché but there are two people in the relationship, so it's really unreasonable to blame yourself for all of it.

 

But, like I said, please take time to find yourself. Don't let anybody tell you that you should be fine by now. If you feel like crap, you feel like crap. It's simple as that. But you have to make the concious decision to move on from this day. And don't blame yourself if you feel down. From the day I decided to move on, it wasn't all sunshine along the way. There were still days that I was hanging out with my friend and decided to go home early. Just because I didn't feel like it. But instead of thinking: 'Man, I went home early again', I tried to see the positive things and said to myself: 'I got out of the house tonight and I quite enjoyed myself.' Once you get your positive attitude again, life will throw opportunities at you and it's your decision what to do with it.

 

If you think you made some mistakes in the relationship, learn from them instead of just blaming yourself. Take this break-up as the opportunity to get to know yourself better. I think a break-up is some kind of a blessing, because it teaches you valuable life lessons that you otherwise wouldn't have learned. Yeah, I still feel like crap some days, but due to my break-up I found this forum and I learned a lot. And for that, I feel quite thankful.

[geronimo]

Idk what's wrong with me, some days I'm ok and I think that she wasn't all that great and I shouldn't care cuz I'll find someone better but then there are days like today where I don't even want to get out of bed. All I think about is her and how she just gave up on me for some random guy. That's the hatred thing for me to comprehend cuz even when her and I started dating we knew eachother for a while before we got into the relationship but her and him barely knew eachother and she jumped into it.

 

Also the worst part is she never admits that she left me to be with him she still blames it on the parent situation. Saying that we wouldn't work out cuz her parents wouldn't accept me since we have two different religious backgrounds. But her mom loved me and always wanted me around. She did express concerns about the religion too but I assured her that it wouldn't be a problem down the road. I just miss her so much and I could never see her doing this to me but she did and now it's ficking a year down the road and she's still with this guy and doesn't give 2 ****s about me.

[Shock148]

Idk what's wrong with me, some days I'm ok and I think that she wasn't all that great and I shouldn't care cuz I'll find someone better but then there are days like today where I don't even want to get out of bed. All I think about is her and how she just gave up on me for some random guy. That's the hatred thing for me to comprehend cuz even when her and I started dating we knew eachother for a while before we got into the relationship but her and him barely knew eachother and she jumped into it.

 

Also the worst part is she never admits that she left me to be with him she still blames it on the parent situation. Saying that we wouldn't work out cuz her parents wouldn't accept me since we have two different religious backgrounds. But her mom loved me and always wanted me around. She did express concerns about the religion too but I assured her that it wouldn't be a problem down the road. I just miss her so much and I could never see her doing this to me but she did and now it's ficking a year down the road and she's still with this guy and doesn't give 2 ****s about me.

 

I have been there trust me I know how you feel. However, when you start thinking this way what you need to do is completely get your mind off of it. Think about what movie you are going to watch or take a walk. Pick up a hobby. Trust me while you are thinking this way she is probably in bed getting effed by her boyfriend. Do you really want to waste your time and energy thinking about your ex when all she is thinking about is her current boyfriend's stiffy? No. You just have to move on because the only person that you are hurting is yourself. Thinking about your ex randomly is normal. You just need to catch yourself when you start to and consider it an after thought. She chose him over you, it sucks but it is what it is. Move on yourself and meet new people or keep working on what you wanna do. Limiting yourself by not allowing yourself to be in another relationship because you dont want to get hurt again is silly. What doesnt kill you makes you stronger.