Being Available = Taken For Granted???

[AugustSnow]

In relationships, why would being "available" cause someone to be taken for granted? Why not the opposite? Why is it when you make yourself unavailable then you are more "desirable". Why play games like that? Wouldn't that backfire sooner or later? Why is it so true that "absence makes the heart grow fonder"? Does anyone worry that it will make it wander instead?

[d0nnivain]

It's a combo of things. First I'm a busy person. Anybody who wants a piece of my time knows advanced notice is generally required.

 

 

In a relationship, if you get the sense that the other person ask you to get together at the last minute because they think you have nothing else going on & will be at their beck & call, that is a problem & you are being taken for granted. If the other person always asks last minute because that person has poor planning skills you need to determine if that bothers you. As a planner, lack of planning makes me crazy.

[Els]

Some people take it to extremes that involve ridiculous game-playing, which I disagree with. But in moderation, it's good because most healthy people are attracted to people with some semblance of their own lives. I wouldn't want to be with someone whose entire world revolved around his R and he had no hobbies, ambitions, friends, or anything else.

[Lois_Griffin]

This is the main premise behind the book, "Why Men Love Bi*tches."

 

Of course it has nothing to do with being a b*tch.

 

The book talks about women who are too needy and too available in a relationship. It WILL get you taken advantage of and taken for granted.

 

The main focus is to live your OWN life and let your love interest/mate complement your life - not be the CENTER of it.

 

It's not about game playing. It's about making sure you don't start compromising your own life and plans in order to be available all the time for someone else. If you've got plans on a Tuesday night for a crappy Tupperware party (do they still do those? lol!!) then DONT cancel it just because he calls a couple hours before you're set to go and tells you he has tickets to the movies that night.

 

That's not 'game playing.' It's sticking to your plans and not throwing them out the window the minute he calls.

 

I actually think people respect you MORE when you don't just drop everything you've got going in your life simply because they call at the last minute and want to do something. Your time is just as valuable as anyone else's.

[AugustSnow]

This is the main premise behind the book, "Why Men Love Bi*tches."

 

Of course it has nothing to do with being a b*tch.

 

The book talks about women who are too needy and too available in a relationship. It WILL get you taken advantage of and taken for granted.

 

The main focus is to live your OWN life and let your love interest/mate complement your life - not be the CENTER of it.

 

It's not about game playing. It's about making sure you don't start compromising your own life and plans in order to be available all the time for someone else. If you've got plans on a Tuesday night for a crappy Tupperware party (do they still do those? lol!!) then DONT cancel it just because he calls a couple hours before you're set to go and tells you he has tickets to the movies that night.

 

That's not 'game playing.' It's sticking to your plans and not throwing them out the window the minute he calls.

 

I actually think people respect you MORE when you don't just drop everything you've got going in your life simply because they call at the last minute and want to do something. Your time is just as valuable as anyone else's.

 

If a person is in a relationship and they've already been making themselves too available and doing the things you described here, which is very great in detail by the way, thank you, is it ever too late to change that? Or are things usually doomed in that relationship and you just have to cut your losses so to speak and make sure you don't do that in your next relationship?

[AugustSnow]

This is the main premise behind the book, "Why Men Love Bi*tches."

 

Of course it has nothing to do with being a b*tch.

 

The book talks about women who are too needy and too available in a relationship. It WILL get you taken advantage of and taken for granted.

 

The main focus is to live your OWN life and let your love interest/mate complement your life - not be the CENTER of it.

 

It's not about game playing. It's about making sure you don't start compromising your own life and plans in order to be available all the time for someone else. If you've got plans on a Tuesday night for a crappy Tupperware party (do they still do those? lol!!) then DONT cancel it just because he calls a couple hours before you're set to go and tells you he has tickets to the movies that night.

 

That's not 'game playing.' It's sticking to your plans and not throwing them out the window the minute he calls.

 

I actually think people respect you MORE when you don't just drop everything you've got going in your life simply because they call at the last minute and want to do something. Your time is just as valuable as anyone else's.

 

Also where do you draw the line between this and a person just plain not EVER having time for their partner at all? How can you distinguish the two?

[central]

Always being available puts you in a position of weakness if the other person doesn't care enough about you to appreciate it. They have other priorities, and know that you will always be available when they are done with whatever else had their attention. You are a convenience, not a priority.

 

If you become less available, they may notice, but unless they actually value and appreciate you, it will be due to the inconvenience of having to make an effort to get you back.

[Gloria25]

If a person is in a relationship and they've already been making themselves too available and doing the things you described here, which is very great in detail by the way, thank you, is it ever too late to change that? Or are things usually doomed in that relationship and you just have to cut your losses so to speak and make sure you don't do that in your next relationship?

 

Also where do you draw the line between this and a person just plain not EVER having time for their partner at all? How can you distinguish the two?

 

I don't think it's ever too late to change it...I mean, it also helps that you're ALREADY in a RL with that person. It kinda places you at an advantage cuz that person already is invested in you, so even if you start messing up, they may be more open to you changing instead of just walking away from someone they are "just dating".

 

The thing is, if you decide to make changes while in a RL, the person may not recognize it and/or trust it unless you do it consistently. They may think you're only doing it to get them back.

 

Now, where do you draw the line? That's hard to say cuz everybody's RLs and/or needs are different.

 

Like, I'm cool with only hearing from a guy maybe once or twice a week. To another chick that might mean he's not available. So, you gotta know your SO and his/her needs and pay attention. Trust me, you'll know where the line is with them if you take the time to pay attention. I mean, it isn't hard to tell if someone feels smothered and/or is starving.

 

But regardless, you know if you don't have a life or not. I mean, I have gfs that wanna go out and do this or that and when they find a bf - they are MIA. Mind you, they are divorced. That goes to show that they have none and/or drop interests outside of their SO. Their SOs probably felt smothered. Like one chick? Her and her bf (who married, had a kid, then divorced her) used to work in the same area - across the street from each other. Although they were seeing each other after work (I think they ended up shacking up too), she had to have lunch with him EVERY DAY. You could not get in touch with her EVER. That's a bit much if you ask me. If you're gonna be with your SO after work, then why do you have to have lunch with him every day? Get a life already.

 

Actually, my fav podcaster was talking about this the other day. Like just cuz you're a SAHM/SAHW doesn't mean your life is diapers and the washing machine. Watch some news, read a book, take the kid out to the park and meet up with other mums and form mommy clubs. Go join the kid's PTA. Put the kid in the stroller and go running. Have something interesting to talk about with your SO and have a life already.

Edited September 25, 2015 by Gloria25