Got an STD, do I come clean?

[Srth]

For the past few years, I've been suspecting that my husband had been having an affair but I didn't have hard evidence and so I just let it go. Then a few months ago, I decided to check out Ashley Madison to see if he was on there. It was a long shot. I'm sure he would be having an affair with someone at work or someone he has met in person because he is very flirty and friendly, but I wanted proof. Well, it backfired because while I was trying to find my husband on the website, I found myself being curious about the men on the website. I started chattig with a few men, never intending to meet up with anyone. It was fun just chatting, but then one man just lured me out. I was curious. So I met up with him a few times. Never having sex and I let him know I didn't want to have sex. i decided I'd meet up with him one last time to say bye. I think he also knew that it would be the last time. One thing led to another and we had sex. I felt terribly guilty afterwards. A few weeks later, I had an STD screening and found out I caught an STD. I told my husband to get tested and he did but the results have not come back yet. He thinks I'm just being overly cautious and that I'm accusing him of some wrong doing. He doesn't know I have an STD which I've been treated for. I'm just wondering if I should tell him before he gets the results back of if I should wait until he gets the results because maybe he was the one that gave it to me. Serious issues. I wish I never gotten myself into this.

Edited September 25, 2015 by Srth

[m.snow]

they say the truth will set you free.

 

but i advise to go to counseling to get some professional advise.

 

individual counseling would be appropriate.

 

i for one believe it is wholly inappropriate to have intercourse with your spouse and not inform him that you have std.

whether that is a moral issue is another.

again seek professional advise.

 

you could communicate this issue with your physician it is not uncommon for them to encounter these issue's

see what her/his thoughts on the matter.

Edited September 25, 2015 by m.snow

[Srth]

Thank you for responding. This happened fairly recently and I found out while he was on a business trip. We haven't had intercourse since I found out and he has been tested but we are awaiting results.

[lovinDKT3]

Are you saying that you are hoping he has it so that you can blame him for giving it to you? That is so wrong on so many levels.

 

If you want any chance to fix your marriage it starts with being honest. If he has the STD or not it will not change the fact that you cheated.

[m.snow]

advice from counseling will help you approach this situation competently.

 

revealing this information about your affair, without a doubt could be devastating for both parties.

 

a counselor can provide tips to help you with the process of revealing the details to your spouse. if you so wish.

 

i wish you and your husband the best, and hope you can recover from this ordeal.

hopeful your husband will turn out negative on the test.

Edited September 25, 2015 by m.snow

[Srth]

Are you saying that you are hoping he has it so that you can blame him for giving it to you? That is so wrong on so many levels.

 

If you want any chance to fix your marriage it starts with being honest. If he has the STD or not it will not change the fact that you cheated.

 

I do not wish it on anyone to have an STD. I really hope he does not. I would not blame him at all. I'm just wondering what the best approach is. To tell him before or after results. I really don't want to hurt him by revealing the truth if he does not have it.

[m.snow]

Are you saying that you are hoping he has it so that you can blame him for giving it to you? That is so wrong on so many levels.

 

If you want any chance to fix your marriage it starts with being honest. If he has the STD or not it will not change the fact that you cheated.

hopeful she did not do this out of malice but with good intentions to protect her husband.

yes i believe that being honest with your husband is righteous path.

 

I do not wish it on anyone to have an STD. I really hope he does not. I would not blame him at all. I'm just wondering what the best approach is. To tell him before or after results. I really don't want to hurt him by revealing the truth if he does not have it.

 

for me it is imperative that you reveal this information to your husband, but again seek professional advice from a counselor on how to approach this scenario.

[lovinDKT3]

I do not wish it on anyone to have an STD. I really hope he does not. I would not blame him at all. I'm just wondering what the best approach is. To tell him before or after results. I really don't want to hurt him by revealing the truth if he does not have it.

 

If you didn't want to hurt him you should have stayed faithful, now you have to deal with the fallout of your horrible decisions, which is the real reason you dont want to tell.

 

Trust me, asking him to get tested has open the door, if he isnt or hasnt cheated he will surely be asking himself WHY? You have already started down that road, its time to be honest and deal with what comes from your decisions. There is no good or easy way to tell your husband you cheated, I searched for one for over a year, it never came to me.

[aliveagain]

My guess is your probably the only cheater. Tell him the truth because depending on what STD you have caught they may be required to tell your husband and any other sexual partners you have had. Have they tested you for herpes? Some STD's don't even show up until 6 months after your last sexual encounter.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

What exactly made you think your husband was cheating?

 

 

Why would you have unprotected sex with a stranger? How did he seduce you into cheating? Do you even want to be married?

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm just wondering what the best approach is. To tell him before or after results. I really don't want to hurt him by revealing the truth if he does not have it.

 

I don't understand your end game here.

 

Let's say his test comes back clean, he doesn't have the STD.

 

Are you going to avoid intercourse with him for the remainder of your recovery period? For some STDs, that's the rest of your marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Clay]

She is looking for a way to blame this on him. Chances are she is seriously insecure and he never had a affair her insecurity pushed her to cheat on him and put herself in this position.

 

OP,

Tell your husband first. Then get yourself into counseling.

 

What ever the fall out will be your just going to have to deal with it.

 

C

[66Charger]

I don't understand your end game here.

 

Let's say his test comes back clean, he doesn't have the STD.

 

Are you going to avoid intercourse with him for the remainder of your recovery period? For some STDs, that's the rest of your marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This is why you must tell him now. You can not win here. If it is positive, how could you ever let him believe he gave it to you, even if he was cheating. That is so dishonest.

 

If it is negative, you have to remain celibate for a minimum of 6 months. How will you explain that?

 

You will lose either way. Your best bet is to talk the hard talk. Your worst case scenario is that the test comes negative and you have to lie. Forever.

 

It will be hard, but it must be done. I am echoing Mr Luckys words because this is obvious. Even those who advocate not disclosing, make the exception for STDs

Edited September 25, 2015 by 66Charger

[autumnnight]

Yes. Come clean humbly. Don't mention your suspicion of him because at this point, unless you have proof, it's just deflection.

[sandylee1]

I'm not sure why your husband didn't question you telling him to get tested. Because if my H said that I'd have a lot of talking to do.

 

His silence on the issue is rather telling. It's not unheard of that both spouses are cheating at the same time.

[harrybrown]

you should tell him.

 

Several people know about the AM disaster.

 

Tell him before he finds out another way.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Do you have children together? Write him a timeline of all the times you met with the OM and open your account to him so he can see that you are not keeping any more secrets from him.

 

Ouch.

[Spectre]

I'm not sure why your husband didn't question you telling him to get tested. Because if my H said that I'd have a lot of talking to do.

 

His silence on the issue is rather telling. It's not unheard of that both spouses are cheating at the same time.

 

So she said he thinks she is being overly cautious and accusing HIM of wrong doing. You are acting like he just took the information in stride and went off to get tested.

 

The fact you immediately jumped to this conclusion is what is rather telling, since the whole "he thinks I'm accusing him of wrong doing" isn't him being silent on the issue. You could of gone the route of "he got defensive over it because he is cheating" but nope, you just apparently decided to say he was just silent on the matter.

Edited September 25, 2015 by Spectre

[cgiles]

I wonder if you are legally responsible if he got something.

 

I mean with all the ressources about stds, you can't ignore you was putting his health at risk.

[Spectre]

In a perfect world that would be the case, but I'd imagine unless it was a life threatening disease there wouldn't be much that could be done.

[Dutchman1]

Infedelity is always a choice, never a mistake.

 

Dutchman 1

[nightmare01]

I do not wish it on anyone to have an STD. I really hope he does not. I would not blame him at all. I'm just wondering what the best approach is. To tell him before or after results. I really don't want to hurt him by revealing the truth if he does not have it.

 

Be truthful. You wanting to not tell him about your affair is NOT about not wanting to hurt your husband. You're just wanting to avoid the consequences of your actions.

 

Lying - which is what you will be doing by NOT telling him - is ONLY about control. You can control his actions by regulating what he knows of his reality, you and his marriage. You and his marriage are not what he imagines they are. The truth is that if you tell him he may decide to divorce you, which is a consequence you'd like to avoid.

 

But that consequence is what you signed up for when you first started communicating with men from AM.

 

If you respect your husband at all you'll tell him the complete truth. Many - maybe most men will want to try to save their marriage, so chances are good that if you tell him that your marriage will be fine after the upheaval of dealing with your infidelity is over.

 

On the other hand if you choose to lie to him and he discovers the truth, maybe years later, the chances of divorce are much higher.

 

As to counselors - I personally have had a negative experience with them. Most are book learned about infidelity, and what they learn in those books is mostly wrong. And those counselors that do have actual experience with infidelity are wayward spouses themselves - the job of counselor is among the top when it comes to having infidelity.

 

There are some good books on the subject out there - I suggest a search on Amazon over going to a counselor.

[sandylee1]

So she said he thinks she is being overly cautious and accusing HIM of wrong doing. You are acting like he just took the information in stride and went off to get tested.

 

The fact you immediately jumped to this conclusion is what is rather telling, since the whole "he thinks I'm accusing him of wrong doing" isn't him being silent on the issue. You could of gone the route of "he got defensive over it because he is cheating" but nope, you just apparently decided to say he was just silent on the matter.

 

My point was if I were him and hadn't cheated, I'd be wanting answers as to why my wife thinks I should get tested if I'd been faithful.

[Marc878]

Better see a good attorney you're gonna need one.

[Spectre]

My point was if I were him and hadn't cheated, I'd be wanting answers as to why my wife thinks I should get tested if I'd been faithful.

 

But this was already answered: the guy thinks she is doing it because she thinks HE hasn't been faithful. Which...if the paranoia she has shown here has shown through to her hubby? Is a pretty reasonable thing for him to be thinking this is about her trying to make him prove he didn't cheat.

 

So again nothing has still made jump to the "oh he must be doing something too!!!!" camp.

[drifter777]

I do not wish it on anyone to have an STD. I really hope he does not. I would not blame him at all. I'm just wondering what the best approach is. To tell him before or after results. I really don't want to hurt him by revealing the truth if he does not have it.

 

If a man hasn't cheated then the "who have you been sleeping with sweetheart" conversation happens immediately after her request for me to get tested. She might as well have shown me pictures of the two of them having sex. So, if he dutifully trotted off to the Dr. to get tested without freaking out then you can bet your bottom dollar he is cheating now or has in the past.

 

- QED

Edited September 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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