Guitaristangel Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 I am in the middle of NC now....I need help with anxiety. So to break it down, I'm going to start from the VERY BEGINNING to the best of my memory. We have been on and off but I realized that she is the love of my life. I was too scared to feel really happy and put her through hell. I am the definition of *******. But here it is: We both met when I was dating another girl in college. I was going through a tough time and she made me laugh without even trying. Her reactions made me laugh, the way she talked to me and did nice things for me made me cheer up. After 3 months of recovering from the girl I was dating, this funny girl named Lynn I went out with in December 26. At that time, I was seeing another girl Megan. I was more attracted to her but she was a rebound relationship and she just cheated on me with so many different guys but I was also seeing the funny girl named Lynn. I didn't see Megan for a month or more but only saw her periodically such as once a month on a weekend. But I saw Lynn most of the time, I was treating her like an ******* and she was controlling because I'm her very first boyfriend. Dated for 4 months, I broke it off with her. She called me up to discuss what went wrong in the relationship. Told her she was too controlling of what I do and that I needed some freedom to do the things I want. She accepted the breakup. We remained friends for 6 months and I was seeing other girls but realized that she was a treasure and around her birthday I bought her an expensive gift (an ipod touch, which she really wanted), and when she was about to move on, I told her I want to be back together again. We dated for a year and a half(I believe), until another girl named Ashley came into the picture. We met her when we wanted to go see Lynn's favorite band in New York. This was in 2012. During the trip, Ashley was flirting with me like crazy as she got drunk and started to grind on me. I allowed it since Lynn was behind me and I was grinding on her. Then the feelings I had for her started to grow. After the trip, we began to hang out a lot just me and her, even alone at times. I got distant with my best friends and they sat me down and I told them. I wanted to be with Lynn because I love her and she treats me right but I didn't want to leave her. As time passed, she asked why I was being distant and told her that I needed to sort out my feelings. She became sad for awhile then left me alone a few days. When she was studying with my friends, she found out when my friend(who was good friends with her at that time but currently not anymore) told her that I liked Ashley. She broke down and cried even though she said she loved me and I didn't say it back. My exfriend Sam asked her if I loved her and Lynn said "no". Later that night, Ashley and her came over to get a laptop and she smacked me and then we broke up. But a few days later we got back together and we promised each other that we would communicate better. The Ashley thing didn't stop there. As Ashley told me that she felt awful about what she has done to do this. I didn't tell her anything about it during that time but I felt so much anger towards her. As time went on, Lynn became insecure in our relationship and saying that I shouldn't ever hang out with girls alone. So I promised her I wouldn't. As the summer started to come around, her and I talked about going to Warped tour. I bought her tickets as a "christmas gift" because I didn't get anything for her. Lynn got mad at this when I didn't buy one for her and stupid said "You don't like my kind of music" but she would've still loved to go with me but she had work on that day and it was short noticed. As it turns out, Lynn got really angry that I am being more of a "boyfriend to Ashley" instead of her. Ashley said to Lynn that I bought the tickets and that I lied to her. I dont' remember how it went but I did lie to her since the entire previously incident with Ashley got really messy. So we broke up again. 3 days has passed and she texted me saying she wanted to talk at her place. We got back together and she said this was my last chance, if we broke up again then it was over. 2 years later, she broke it off with me again. Lynn is the kind of girl that was invisible to other guys in highschool and up until graduation from college. She has now went out more, making guy friends left and right and is not used to the attention. Prior to the breakup, she had been going out alot while I was studying to get a better education in Physical Therapy Assistanting. She would make friends with guys and girls alike by playing volleyball. She started to become active and started to make a buttload of friends while I was at home, playing games and studying. Most of the time when she came home, she would always sees me playing games. During this time we were living together with my parents for 8 months. I became a different person than when we were dating. It just felt like to me I wanted to get rid of her once and for all because of the living situation. Everytime she would go out, her friends would say "where is your boyfriend?" and she kept telling them I am studying at home. I promised her I would see one of her games but I never came to one because I was playing games and studying. Mostly playing games because I was ultimately depressed and didn't know it. I would go out and hang out with my gamer friends at land parties but she hated that. I grew fat from it and worked at a job I hated(waitering is hard!). It was the 4th of July too and I wanted to do something with her but she ended up hanging out with this gay dude (who apparently is bi that likes her) and his family by going to the zoo and watching the fireworks. I was heartbroken, so I decided not to say anything until she got back home. As it turns out, we had a nasty argument when she finally brought it up saying that she is always seeing me playing games. She said that my best friends are trying to hang out with me and try to see me. I said that I don't need useless crap in my life like that because they stress me out and I believe she misheard me saying that she stresses me out. We went to bed mad at each other even though a voice inside of me said "don't let it end like this, she is going to leave!". Next day, she was packing up her things after I came home from Church(first in awhile). She said that we needed a break from each other and I said how long? She said "I don't know, maybe 3 weeks, 6 months or a year?" Then said that this was a break up. She said that in the beginning I was changing but then I slipped right back into who I was: an introverted gamer. I promised her I would change and she expected it(this is what I believe now but I have completely forgotten about it). Reasons why she broke it off: I am too selfish. She hates me that I am like this. Friends keep asking where I was and was tired that she keeps saying "he's at home". She wanted to do stuff with me. But she kept begging me to do stuff and got tired of it. She cried saying when she sees happy couples, she screamed "why can't I have that?". I was always being told what to do. The lies I said to her and friends. THE BIGGEST ONE EVER: My gaming habits. I was never wearing proper clothing. Just gym shorts and a t-shirt that teenagers would wear. Not dressing my age. Other reasons I cannot remember at this time. I was shocked but I knew this was happening. I didn't help her pack her stuff, I just said a few things like I was shocked. Pretty much I wanted to stop her but I just let her. At the end, she said while getting into her car: This is a breakup. After she left, I put all my games into a container and gave them away. I started to pick up spray painting, playing and listening to music, reading and writing as my hobbies. Old hobbies I picked up again that made me try to forget her but now I'm struggling. Ever since then, I became a broken wreck. For the next two weeks I started to meet people. Went to a neon paint party then went to a pool party and met more people. Hung out with my 2 best friends as much as I can and reconnected with old friends. All I wanted to do was to see her, be with her and love her. But as the weeks went on, I dove into my art and got better at it. For the next few days, she called me to get some of her stuff back. We did this and she managed to get most of her stuff back. There were a few bags left but she didn't come get them until a few days later. (FYI: this is the duration of 3 weeks). During that time I was working at my new job which was full time. I am thankful for it now since I met more people there which helped me cope through this breakup. She would come over to my place to talk with my mom, as she entered my room, she saw my art. I drew a picture of her and my mother said she broke down crying saying "Stupid! Why did you have to play games, why did it end this way!" (again, this is generally what she said) and both her and my mother cried in my room. Then my mom tried to give some bags of her stuff to her but she refused. Well she came back another day and she finally grabbed her stuff and my mom and her talked again. Mom couldn't remember but she said that 3 weeks of change isn't good but will see in 2 months. After she told me that, I was feeling hopeful that if I kept this change up, I would finally get her back and this time I'm determined to change. I decided to see my family to help me cope. As I went to see family and they said if I didn't say anything to her, it would have showed her that I didn't care. So I sent her roses to her work. The next day, she wanted to meet me. As we met up, she was telling me all about what my friends were trying to convince her to give me a 3rd chance. She stated that we can only hang out in groups and that she will still talk to me. As we were talking, I told her I've never been happier to find myself again. Doing all my old things, I think it came across to her that "I'm happier without you". I asked her how she was doing but she said "I've survived this far!". As we were talking, we were able to still joke around, I couldn't stop looking at her and she was giggling and blushing at what I was telling her. To my surprise that she brought Ashley as an excuse not to go alone. After we were done talking, my best friend told me everything that she told him. Basically in a nutshell, we both were putting my friend in the middle to communicate for us. She invited me and my best friend to play volleyball after my work. Told her I wasn't able too and just said have fun. Well, I went out there either way and played. I worked up a sweat and had fun. After that, she had all guy friends she was playing with. As we were taking a break, she was trying hard to ignore me and only talked to the people around her instead of me. It seems like she didn't wanted to see me because she was still hurt. After that, she texted me to meet up with her to pay her bill because a week or more before we broke up, we got a bed comforter. So we met up, I paid some of it then gave her a check for the rest of it for next months bill plus a little extra. But told her I would just give it to her and she said "I wouldn't have made you pay if I knew you would've had done this". I dressed up to see her and she was beautiful. After we said our goodbyes, I could have sworn she was crying. Before she texted me, she said that she didn't want to drive to meet up and pay it online. I said I didn't want that. After I gave her the mattress, she asked me how I liked playing volleyball last night and how is my job. I told her it was a fun game, I loved my job and was going to a concert with some friends that I couldn't wait for. I don't remember what I asked her but it looked like she was in a hurry. Later that night, my best friend kept telling me that she really wanted to talk to him. As the final conversation with her, she told him: Her feelings for me have went cold. She just wants to move on. She is afraid that I will find another girl and move on faster than she is. She doesn't want to be friends with me. Other things that I cannot recall but it hurt to hear them. I've done the mistakes by calling her, begging her to come back, sent her roses to show her that I still cared, paid off her bill and gave her more money. After all of that, I think that there is still a chance. Now here is my real problem: From telling you guys this, my number one reason for posting is that my formal best friend, before he joined the military he was my best friend, was a good guy but became more snobby and hateish towards me and my friends. So as time went by he was out of my life for a bit. Well, he came around to visit and he met Lynn and they hit it off. They were laughing, being as if very flirty with each other. I instantly became insecure during the times they hang out(alone). But at that time he was with someone else, including during the entire Ashley ordeal. They had a lot in common, both liked the same kind of music, like korean dramas, etc. After we broke up the first time due to ashley, he would like her single status but my friends bagged on him on that. He sent her a text message the day of when we got back together was along the lines of him liking her. We both talked about it but she just dismissed it. Anyways, after we broke up on July 5th, a few weeks later, he bought her tickets to her favorite group. He then would comment on everything on her facebook and then like everything. My friends said that he likes her. So this is the current situation as I"m going to start from the beginning: To name my friends, Richie is the guy going after my ex. Ex and I broke up on July 5th. He buys her tickets as a "birthday gift". Starts to publicize actions of her "liking her". Him and I talked about how I always had the feeling that he liked her but he told me currently no. At first, he did have feelings for her for like a week, and she did as well but Lynn and I were going through a break up and she was in missouri with him and two of my other friends(mutual friends). He said that Lynn needs to clear up things with me first. (Plus I have the entire conversation on video). As on friday, some of friends were invited to her birthday thing. Richie did a snapchat story of how they spent the night. He flirted with her, with the new filters (rainbow out of mouth). He was FLIRTTING up a storm with her. My two friends said nothing out of the ordinary but one of them said that Richie asked her if she was dating anyone and she said no. When I heard that, I was completely sure that he was going after her. During that party, she asked my best friend on how I was doing and all he said was I was working and going to church. When he asked Lynn about how she was doing she said: "I've never been so happy and free...". When I heard him say that, my heart was crushed but like I said, she needs to experience life more. Overall, Richie spent the entire weekend with her. Went out with her to a rave in a capital city, alone I must assume. Then his last day was on Sunday and they both had dinner together and had a snap chat story with "saying bye to Ohio bestie". Which really got to me. I hope I am reading to much into this but I am dreading. I had this happen to me before when one of my best friends got together with my exgirlfriend(yes the first girl I was dating before I met Lynn). If this happened again...I dont' know what I would do. I love her so much. A 5 year relationship. Her feelings went "cold" and begin to think that she has GIGS or she finally has had it. This is my first long-term relationship of over a year. Now I'm in NC, and she hasn't talked to me for about a month. I did see her at a friends birthday party but she too ignored me as well even though I said to her "it was good seeing you too". 8/21 though 9/21. No contact with her and it is going to be 3 months on Oct. 5. Now on 9/24/2015 they are going to a concert out of state and I'm beginning to feel that will seal the deal between them and they will start to date. Even though my friends said don't worry about Richie, Lynn would never do that. But who knows? I was also seeing a girl as well in August but chose to end it when I really felt that I was in love. I'm such an idiot and want her back. I'm just afraid. I have kicked my habits and started to volunteer at my church more. Joined a few bible social groups and it is helping a little bit but I don't think it is enough. Altogether, I'm breaking apart at this and I need some advice. I want to move on, I really do! It just seems like that she is counting me to move on but what do girls really think? I was her first boyfriend, first kiss, first time having sex and first time everything. A girl like that, her feelings went "cold". Even at the time of the breakup she even thought of having a future with me with kids. I want that with her. I'm praying that it will soon end this pain. I'm tired of it. Sorry for the long post but this is the first time that I have ever signed up for one of these things! I need wisdom! Currently I am working on myself, I have lost 10 pounds, I have kicked my gaming habit and started to read more, spray painting is what I really enjoy and now I'm in a band playing music. I really want to move on and just see how things turn out. I am honestly wanting a better future for myself and to improve my life. I want to experience it as much as I can but I want to do it with her. I'm so in love with her. You may say it is one sided but I cannot help the way I feel. If you read the entire post, you're amazing!
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