How do i make him into more of a gentleman?

[Peanutbutterjelly124]

'm 30 and my boyfriend is 39, we've been together for 3 months.

 

He spends time with me, is physically affectionate, we do things together, and we see each other about 4 times a week.

 

We come from different countries, he is from the USA and I'm from London. Where I come from all my guy friends do these things, but my boyfriend doesn't!! It bugs me, but I'm not sure if these are big things or not??

 

1) When we go to the restaurant/cafe, he doesn't offer me to sit on the sofa seat (the one that faces outwards). Instead he will rush in and sit there himself. I look around me and every single woman is sitting on the inside sofa seat and the guy sitting on the chair. This has happened twice, and the first time the waitress was a bit surprised too. The second time I tried to just go for the sofa seat, but he was going for it too so we bumped into each other, I said sorry, but he still went and sat on the sofa seat.

 

2) He doesn't ask me to text him when I get back home safely, or texts to make sure I got home safely. I might be out with friends until midnight, but I don't hear from him telling me to get home safe.

 

3) When we get food or drinks, he might say to me 'hey I'm going to go and sit at our table to make sure no one takes it'. Thus I will be the one at the counter, to pay for the food, (we do generally take turns). But my guy friends would probably tell ME to go and sit at the table and let him take care of ordering.

 

4) He didn't help me with the dishwashing until I asked and now he does do it every time I cook.

 

5) He doesn't return compliments, so if I say he is looking so hot, he doesn't say it back. In fact he has never said I looked beautiful or hot or sexy. But he is very affectionate.

 

6) He doesn't make the bed when he stays over at mine.

 

SO are these things annoying to you?

[Oregon_Dude]

You got yourself a real winner there.

 

In the same way you can't turn a h* into a housewife... you can't turn a jerk into a gentleman.

[losangelena]

I don't know what kind of advice is gonna come down the pike on this one, but FWIW, all of these things would grate on me, too.

 

Three months is not that long; you're still learning about each other. My concern is that his behavior would further deteriorate as he grows more comfortable with you.

 

That said, if these are things that irritate you, I'd maybe try asking him why he does those things, or explain that they bother you first (like the dishwashing thing) and see if they change. He just may not be aware that they're annoying to you.

 

Also, my ex was very minimal on the compliments thing. He'd say thanks if I complimented him, but hardly ever reciprocated, and he also was bad at the dishes. It's a tad selfish/immature, for sure.

 

Oh wait, I just realized he's 39. Ergh. I dunno ... I hate to say he should know by now ... but he should know by now! I dated a 37 year old once, and he was, well, pretty set in his ways.

[Gloria25]

 

Oh wait, I just realized he's 39. Ergh. I dunno ... I hate to say he should know by now ... but he should know by now! I dated a 37 year old once, and he was, well, pretty set in his ways.

 

I went on a date once with a guy in his late 30's. Somehow, figured he only needed a fork to eat with

 

Look, I came from very poor and uncivilized upbringing...but, my fondest memory as a child was my dad teaching me how to cut meat with a fork and knife.

 

I had to learn social graces over the years, but I learned because I had a "will" to learn.

 

No, I'm not no preppy chick who knows if you eat utensils from left to right or right to left, but I know how to go out to a formal setting, out on a date, and carry myself with some dignity.

 

This guy, IMO, is set in his ways and doesn't care to learn. Let him go be a beast with another wilda beast.

 

BTW, almost a year ago, I was in a Walmart (Walmart out of all places) where this young couple came out. The guy opened the door to his car, let his gf sit in, and he put the groceries in the back. What a gentleman!!! And, I was surprised cuz he drove like a sporty/muscle car and was so young. So trust me, where there's a will, there's a way. The OP's guy is a brute, IMO.

[losangelena]

BTW, almost a year ago, I was in a Walmart (Walmart out of all places) where this young couple came out. The guy opened the door to his car, let his gf sit in, and he put the groceries in the back. What a gentleman!!! And, I was surprised cuz he drove like a sporty/muscle car and was so young. So trust me, where there's a will, there's a way. The OP's guy is a brute, IMO.

 

Ha! My ex did that, with the car door. It was very sweet, and he drove/drives a sh*tty Carolla!

[Maggie4]

I've known guys like that, in their late 30's, inexperienced around women. Some you can teach, like if he forgets to let you walk through the door first, and you make a small move, he'll catch himself immediately and do it right. These ones you can train.

 

Your guy should always let you sit first, and get up (at least partially) when you get up, so you should always get to choose where to sit. But you said when you went for the sofa seat, he didn't back down? That's bad news.

 

Imo, 4, 5, 6 not important. 2 you can maybe work on.

1 and 3 are pretty bad!

[Clarence_Boddicker]

[Ami1uwant]

In going through these questions..a big unknown is his dating/relationship experience. If he had come out of a 15 yr marriage is different if he hasn't been married.

 

 

1) When we go to the restaurant/cafe, he doesn't offer me to sit on the sofa seat (the one that faces outwards). Instead he will rush in and sit there himself. I look around me and every single woman is sitting on the inside sofa seat and the guy sitting on the chair. This has happened twice, and the first time the waitress was a bit surprised too. The second time I tried to just go for the sofa seat, but he was going for it too so we bumped into each other, I said sorry, but he still went and sat on the sofa seat.

 

This could be just a cultural difference. I don't know how common it is to have sofas at restaurants in London...but it isn't common here.

 

Have you ever aske him..."can I sit there?"

 

 

2) He doesn't ask me to text him when I get back home safely, or texts to make sure I got home safely. I might be out with friends until midnight, but I don't hear from him telling me to get home safe.

 

Maybe he is waiting for you to text him that you made it home. Asking you if you are home via a text can come off as very controlling/needy. Have you asked him "can you text me when you make it home safely?" If you are the independent type he isn't going to adk where you are or if you are home.

 

 

 

3) When we get food or drinks, he might say to me 'hey I'm going to go and sit at our table to make sure no one takes it'. Thus I will be the one at the counter, to pay for the food, (we do generally take turns). But my guy friends would probably tell ME to go and sit at the table and let him take care of ordering.

 

It sounds like you want to get out of paying? Is there a pattern of when he pays then you go and get a table to save? Then he is just copying your behavior?

 

 

4) He didn't help me with the dishwashing until I asked and now he does do it every time I cook.

 

You guys are still early in the dating stages. He may have dated others who complained to him about him doing the dishes ( he wasn't doing it right). He is waiting for you to tell him what he can do at your place.

 

A similar behavior would be when in a relationship to cross from the guest asking for a drink and the host gets it vs guest helps themselves or does it themselves????

 

Look at it this way--he is trainable.....harder at his age.

 

 

5) He doesn't return compliments, so if I say he is looking so hot, he doesn't say it back. In fact he has never said I looked beautiful or hot or sexy. But he is very affectionate.

 

I am a guy a few years older than he is. With my personality I don't freely give out complements unless I really mean it. Giving complement just because I was told one makes the complement from me come of as hollow and being done just because I have too.

 

If he respects women he may not feel comfortable making complements of you look hot...thus treating you as a sex object snd not a person.

 

He also may be one who shows his affection physically rather than verbally. You can have some that are the opposite.

 

 

6) He doesn't make the bed when he stays over at mine.

 

SO are these things annoying to you?

 

Same issue as above. He is unfamiliar with what your norms are or how it has to be. He may have made beds and his ex complained it wasn't done correctly.

 

He may be saying....am I invading her space by making her bed?

A simple solution is just ask him to do it.

[joseb]

 

1) When we go to the restaurant/cafe, he doesn't offer me to sit on the sofa seat (the one that faces outwards). Instead he will rush in and sit there himself. I look around me and every single woman is sitting on the inside sofa seat and the guy sitting on the chair. This has happened twice, and the first time the waitress was a bit surprised too. The second time I tried to just go for the sofa seat, but he was going for it too so we bumped into each other, I said sorry, but he still went and sat on the sofa seat.

 

I sometimes do this as a joke, but usually I'll give the seat to my partner.

 

2) He doesn't ask me to text him when I get back home safely, or texts to make sure I got home safely. I might be out with friends until midnight, but I don't hear from him telling me to get home safe.

 

Do you text him? Maybe he isn't a big texter?

 

3) When we get food or drinks, he might say to me 'hey I'm going to go and sit at our table to make sure no one takes it'. Thus I will be the one at the counter, to pay for the food, (we do generally take turns). But my guy friends would probably tell ME to go and sit at the table and let him take care of ordering.

 

Unless you have done similar a lot, and he is trying to establish some balance, then that does seem tight fisted.

 

4) He didn't help me with the dishwashing until I asked and now he does do it every time I cook.

 

Yeah maybe he should have know to help. At least he does now!

 

5) He doesn't return compliments, so if I say he is looking so hot, he doesn't say it back. In fact he has never said I looked beautiful or hot or sexy. But he is very affectionate.

 

So what does he reply? I don't agree that parroting back something for the sake of it is much of a compliment anyway...

 

6) He doesn't make the bed when he stays over at mine.

Neither would I - that would be a bit weird. As would someone making my bed after they stayed over at mine...

 

So yeah I'd say some cause for concern, but not a lost cause.

[Els]

4) He didn't help me with the dishwashing until I asked and now he does do it every time I cook.

 

This part makes me think that he isn't purposefully being a twat, it's possible that he's just inexperienced/clueless and doesn't know what's expected.

 

I could go either way on this. On the one hand since he's amenable to learning, it isn't as hopeless as the sort of guy who's fixed in his doucheyness. On the other hand do you really want to teach a 39-yo guy basic stuff like that? I don't know.

 

How is he otherwise? Do you see any sort of future with him?

[TaraMaiden2]

'm 30 and my boyfriend is 39, we've been together for 3 months.

 

He spends time with me, is physically affectionate, we do things together, and we see each other about 4 times a week.

 

We come from different countries, he is from the USA and I'm from London. Where I come from all my guy friends do these things, but my boyfriend doesn't!! It bugs me, but I'm not sure if these are big things or not??

 

1) When we go to the restaurant/cafe, he doesn't offer me to sit on the sofa seat (the one that faces outwards). Instead he will rush in and sit there himself. I look around me and every single woman is sitting on the inside sofa seat and the guy sitting on the chair. This has happened twice, and the first time the waitress was a bit surprised too. The second time I tried to just go for the sofa seat, but he was going for it too so we bumped into each other, I said sorry, but he still went and sat on the sofa seat.

 

2) He doesn't ask me to text him when I get back home safely, or texts to make sure I got home safely. I might be out with friends until midnight, but I don't hear from him telling me to get home safe.

 

3) When we get food or drinks, he might say to me 'hey I'm going to go and sit at our table to make sure no one takes it'. Thus I will be the one at the counter, to pay for the food, (we do generally take turns). But my guy friends would probably tell ME to go and sit at the table and let him take care of ordering.

 

4) He didn't help me with the dishwashing until I asked and now he does do it every time I cook.

 

5) He doesn't return compliments, so if I say he is looking so hot, he doesn't say it back. In fact he has never said I looked beautiful or hot or sexy. But he is very affectionate.

 

6) He doesn't make the bed when he stays over at mine.

 

SO are these things annoying to you?

 

This has nothing to do with his being American.

This has everything to do with being dragged up, not brought up.

His parents cultivated a jerk.

Tell him about these 'cultural' traits and how you feel they might jar on the relationship.

See if he makes efforts to implement real change...

If not, you're not too far down the line to let him find a 'jerk-ess', and then they can fight it out arm-wrestling, or something.

 

We British ladies like our gentlemen, yes indeed....!

[Buddhist]

You turn your boyfriend into a gentleman by dating someone else. Sorry, but that's about the size of it.

[Peanutbutterjelly124]

I think he is trainable, because I've asked him to be more thoughtful in the first month we were together. We had 'the talk' and I nearly broke up with him cos I was getting frustrated by the lack of thoughtfulness.

 

He isn't really purposefully a jerk. But he is rather inexperienced with long term relationships. At the age of 39 he has only had around 2 proper girlfriends of hitting the 10 month mark. Mostly cos they lived long distance.

 

He does open the doors for me each and every time and makes sure I walk in front of him. He opens taxi doors for me letting me go first. He pushes the door open so I can go in front.

 

He helps out in the kitchen now since I told him it took a lot of effort for me to whip up dinners. He will say thank you for most little things I do for him and help will me with most things like opening bottles, washing dishes, etc

 

The bed thing I remarked that he doesn't do the bed at his place either. He says he doesn't see the point if it's going to be messed up anyway.

 

I believe that he doesn't realise that it's rude to not offer the sofa seat to the lady or let her sit first. If I told him he would do it of course. It was rather rude though that when I was going to sit there he didn't back down and that kind of peeved me a bit.

 

I think he is not someone who is used to dishing out compliments. but I like to show my love by saying compliments and encouragements. He says he doesn't like to make white lies and prefers the honest truth.

 

He does pay for me too, but if I offer to pay then he will ask 'are you sure?' And put away his wallet rather than insisting he pays or something. We take it in turns to buy dinner but I would appreciate a little more reluctance in letting me pay? I'm a generous person and I offered to pay for most things.

 

He is always always punctual. Most often early. He is reliable. He texts me back straight away. He asks me about my day before he tells me about his.

 

I do like the well mannered gentleman. he is nice and he is very intelligent but sometimes he doesn't know some social graces which annoys me!!

Edited September 25, 2015 by Peanutbutterjelly124

[Keenly]

You are from a different country, but you are insisting he change to suit your customs and norms. That's a little u fair. Especially because you want to hit him with a long list of things he needs to change. There is no bigger turn off then when a woman try to manipulate you to act in a way that isn't consistent with the person you are.

 

 

Also, why is he responsible for making your bed St your house? Where I come from, guests are treated with respect. Not handed a lot of chores.

[Celeste.Carol]

I do not believe it has anything to do with our customs being different. We have just as many polite men in the US than in Europe. The seating may be different. A majority of our males will pull out the seat for a lady. Making a bed, I agree with Kenly, that should be the host's task after a guest leaves unless married or boyfriend offers.

 

 

Many men HATE doing dishes period. You should have a look at Frat/College male kitchens....quite a scene.

 

 

He may be rough around the edges which you find in EVERY country. If he is changing for you then that is fantastic because so many men will say, "No one will change me."

 

 

I hope he is a keeper and it works out for you two!

[Celeste.Carol]

I do have to add that the concern of whether you make it home safely would bother me, even my guy does that, and you would think his type wouldn't!!!Another question you may ask yourself is how vested is he in this relationship? You mentioned he was great in other ways, so it may come down to the simple: Rough Around the Edges, no intention on his part.

[Survivor12]

The way I see it is that you have three options:

 

1) Tell him how you feel & what you want

2) Find someone who meets your expectations

3) Change your standards &/or accept that his positive attributes make up for his "shortcomings"

 

Changing him is not an option. You cannot change another person.

 

Even if you were to succeed, it is likely that the change would only be temporary. Permanent change would require him to want to be different for his own reasons.

 

My advice is to make your feelings (not expectations) known.

 

--Tell him that you would prefer the sofa seat.

--Text him when you get home to say you're home safely even if he doesn't ask.

--If you take turns paying, when its your turn, hand him the money & say you'll save the seat.

--Stop complimenting him. (He may feel that responding after you've said it seems forced--give him a chance to say something first. If he does, return the compliment to show him that it's ok)

--Ask him to help you make the bed (no matter where you are)

 

If he questions any of the above, tell him why it makes a difference to you.

 

It is possible that he may not feel that any of the above are all that important & have no problem with doing things "your way". It's up to you to let him know if something is important to you. That's part of getting to know each other and determining compatibility.

 

One last thing--while it is important to get what you want & need in a relationship, remember that long term relationships require a lot of compromise. Avoid pettiness & choose your battles wisely.

 

Good luck!

[Els]

Well, OP, if he displays a willingness to learn and you are willing to teach, then I think it's great that the two of you are trying to work on it together. Hopefully things work out for you!

 

You are from a different country, but you are insisting he change to suit your customs and norms. That's a little u fair.

 

Are you saying that the behaviour of the OP's bf is the norm among American men? Can other dudes from the US weigh in?

 

Also, why is he responsible for making your bed St your house? Where I come from, guests are treated with respect. Not handed a lot of chores.

Do you actually not make your bed when you stay over at someone's house? I think that's quite impolite. I don't usually make my bed in my own house but when I'm a guest at someone else's house I always do. IMO if someone is gracious enough to host you, you should leave the place as tidy as you possibly can. I also always offer to help with the dishes etc if I am hosted for dinner (they don't usually accept my offer, but that's a different story). It's not a gender thing either, my SO and all the people I have ever encountered have done the same.

 

Also from the sounds of things he stays over at the OP's place a lot, which makes him part of the household, not a one-time 'guest'. Yes, when you are in a R and stay over at the other person's place often, you are expected to help out with the chores.

[d0nnivain]

Conversation & compromise. If you want him to change certain things, you have to talk to him about your expectations.

 

 

For example, DH wasn't very courtly when we first started dating. While I don't particularly care about having my car door opened I do want that if I'm all dressed up in formal wear. So the 1st time we went out all dressed up I asked him to hold the door open & close it again so I could concentrate on getting my big floor length gown into the car. Also because I gave him a logical reason for what I wanted he was more happy to give it to me.

 

 

Best wishes.

 

 

You will probably have to compromise & trade off on the comfy sofa chair because he may simply prefer the extra room. He's also not going to ask you to call him but assuming he takes your after date call let that one go.

[Haydn]

How to make him a Gentleman....

 

Invest in a good ``Top hat`

 

A Good pocket watch

 

Victorian waistcoat

 

Watch Mary Poppins a few times.

 

Get him to say `Hello, ding dong, etc....`

 

Get him to join a Club where blokes sit around all day discussing horse racing while reclining on mock leather sofa`s.

 

 

That should do it.

[Keenly]

Well, OP, if he displays a willingness to learn and you are willing to teach, then I think it's great that the two of you are trying to work on it together. Hopefully things work out for you!

 

 

 

Are you saying that the behaviour of the OP's bf is the norm among American men? Can other dudes from the US weigh in?

 

Do you actually not make your bed when you stay over at someone's house? I think that's quite impolite. I don't usually make my bed in my own house but when I'm a guest at someone else's house I always do. IMO if someone is gracious enough to host you, you should leave the place as tidy as you possibly can. I also always offer to help with the dishes etc if I am hosted for dinner (they don't usually accept my offer, but that's a different story). It's not a gender thing either, my SO and all the people I have ever encountered have done the same.

 

Also from the sounds of things he stays over at the OP's place a lot, which makes him part of the household, not a one-time 'guest'. Yes, when you are in a R and stay over at the other person's place often, you are expected to help out with the chores.

 

Yeah no. I'm not doing chores at your place unless I want to surprise the girl.

 

I understand what you mean about being a guest, but this isn't a normal guest sleepover type situation. From what I'm seeing, they sleep in the same bed and she expects him to make her bed for her. That's honestly the strangest request I've seen in a while.

 

I wonder how OP would react if he presented a list to her about things she needed to change.

[Taramere]

He doesn't ask me to text him when I get back home safely, or texts to make sure I got home safely. I might be out with friends until midnight, but I don't hear from him telling me to get home safe.

 

I suddenly remembered this guy I developed a real liking for when I was on a student work placement years ago. We became friends, with an undercurrent that I hoped would lead to something romantic, but that never did. He was a sweet guy, a very kind guy - but absolutely clueless with women. He took me out a few times on what seemed like dates, but he never tried to kiss me. I remember discussing the situation with my best friend who had met him. I said "maybe I should pounce on him. She responded that he would probably freak out if I did...so I never tried.

 

Anyway, that part doesn't really sound like your guy - but maybe the next part will. Every Friday he would give me a lift to the train station. One time his car broke down. A lorry came along and he stopped it. Asked if the driver would give me a lift. The driver said yes, and feeling a bit concerned I climbed into the cabin. For the entire journey, I listened to this driver rail on about how for all my "boyfriend" knew he could be a rapist or an axe murderer.

 

Then on Monday, I returned to work - and my friend greeted me with relief. All the people at work had been ranting at him about how anything could have happened to me. It just genuinely hadn't occurred to him. It wasn't a case of him not caring about other people (this was, after all, somebody who went out of his way for me). He was a sweet, naive guy and I suppose he just saw the rest of the world in the same light.

 

So, sometimes there are explanations for what can seem like uncaring behaviour. However, looking at stuff like this...

 

When we get food or drinks, he might say to me 'hey I'm going to go and sit at our table to make sure no one takes it'. Thus I will be the one at the counter, to pay for the food, (we do generally take turns). But my guy friends would probably tell ME to go and sit at the table and let him take care of ordering...He doesn't return compliments, so if I say he is looking so hot, he doesn't say it back. In fact he has never said I looked beautiful or hot or sexy. But he is very affectionate.

 

It's almost like he wants to be the "traditional woman" in the relationship. Except...

 

He doesn't make the bed when he stays over at mine.

 

This sounds like a guy who is used to being nurtured (maybe by his mother?) but isn't naturally inclined to return that nurturing.

 

SO are these things annoying to you?

 

Yes, it would be. I think I'd be exploring his relationship with his parents a bit more to try to find out whether he's been overly nurtured at the expense of being able to take on the kind of adult partner role where nurturing is more of a give some/get some exchange.

[Els]

Yeah no. I'm not doing chores at your place unless I want to surprise the girl.

 

Uh, okay. Good luck with that, then...

 

I wonder how OP would react if he presented a list to her about things she needed to change.

 

Probably in a better manner than how most people would react if their partner slept at their place, ate their cooking all the time, and left all the dishes for them to do.

 

This sounds like a guy who is used to being nurtured (maybe by his mother?) but isn't naturally inclined to return that nurturing.

 

Yeah, I think this could be part of the reason too. But some overly-pampered boys are willing to learn and eventually do become decent partners. Hopefully the OP's bf is one of them.

[BluEyeL]

My boyfriend is very similar to what you describe, but it's interesting that I do let most of that stuff go and I perceive my relationship as amazing, and i'm extremely happy. That's because I see how he is actually a very loving, caring man and he just doesn't know any better. He of course does a lot of sweet things, brings me flowers for no reason, opens doors etc. There are a couple of things that bother me too, but in the grand scheme of things, imo character and kindness trump fluff like this. It is easier for me to accept someone rough around the edges like that because my ex-husband was the most "considerate' man ever, and while I did enjoy that a lot, it was all surface and he didn't actually care about me, he was just using that stuff as something he learned he "should" do. I learned that stuff like that didn't take me too far, so I am now looking at substance.

 

In your case, I would just tell him every time what you'd prefer, like you did with the dishes. Not aggressively and not through a "talk". I'd say "sweetie, do you mind making the bed before you leave?". Or, before getting to the restaurant "do you mind if I chose to seat on the bench when we get there? I always prefer that".

 

But overall, he will never be what we call a "gentleman', he probably wasn't brought up like that and he didn't learn these social graces. You can teach him about specifics but it doesn't come naturally to him and he'll probably display more behavior like that as the time passes.

 

What concerns me more is the fact that he never had a LTR or been married at 39. That would be a deal breaker for me, and not the other stuff.

Edited September 25, 2015 by BluEyeL

[Gaeta]

Like someone said he was not brought up, he was dragged up. My teenage nephews have more courtesy in them than this man.

 

There is nothing nicer than being out with a man that treats you like a lady and treats everyone around like a gentleman.

 

How is he toward others when you're out? Is he holding the door for the older lady in front of him? Does he give his seat? Is he respectful of restaurant staff?

 

Beating you to the sofa seat? That one would have killed me lol, really I would have stand there and look at him like he's the biggest jerk in the room (cause he was)