ameshal Posted May 17, 2005 Posted May 17, 2005 . Well its almost been a week of no contact from my end. My ex GF has contacted me several times via txt msgs and phone calls. She left me a message last night saying she missed me. I have not returned any phone calls or txt msgs, but its hurting alot to not speak with her today. I do want our relationship back, but I don't want to be there for her and provide her with emotional re-assurance as she moves on. She is the one who broke it off, and left, and I feel that any responsibilities I had to her left with her. My story is here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t62655/ The thing that I want to avoid at all costs is just being here for her to phone as she moves on so she can feel better. That doesnt help me. If there is a chance though, I would want to work it out and see what can happen down the road. Its funny that our advice is so clear when we offer it to other people, but becomes clouded when we try and apply it to ourselves. Opinions would be welcome right now. Thanks.
ConfusedInOC Posted May 17, 2005 Posted May 17, 2005 Stand your ground, mate!!! I didn't and it cost me dearly! If you want her to respect you, at least wait a few more calls or messages. Don't REACT!!!! Learn from my mistakes!!!
TheBarnacle Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 you're doing the right thing...she is selfishly wanting to be comforted by you (the one SHE dumped!!!) b/c she's feeling bad about it...lonely, etc. just as YOU are probably feeling sad, lonely, etc. and could use some comforting yourself. you absolutely MUST act in your best interests here. she'll need to cope on her own, but don't let her use you as she "moves on". this is pretty common, the breaker-upper often feels guilt, regret, sad, lonely, etc. normal stuff...but they shouldn't be allowed to also then be comforted by the person they're trying to leave. not fair...stay strong. you'll be fine. she'll be fine.
loveisallaround Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 You're on the right track! Keep on it! NC is definitely the fastest way to heal. Don't let her ease her guilt, her loneliness or whatever. Shes going to have find another method: it's that simple.
loveisallaround Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 You're on the right track! Keep on it! NC is definitely the fastest way to heal. Don't let her ease her guilt, her loneliness or whatever. Shes going to have find another method: it's that simple.
Merin Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 She's the one calling you, she's the one texting you... This was/is a relationship of 5 years.. Now if she had broke it off and not bothered with anything then I would say hell no don't do anything but leave her alone and let go... BUT at this point IMO Because she's been the one desperate to speak with you, I cannot see not saying anything UNLESS you're wanting just to move on. With that said.. be careful. If you do decide to return her call, be nice but not needy.. ask her whats on her mind. Listen MORE than you speak.. Make her tell you whats up.. don't lead her in any way. IF she is just calling to get her "Fix" out of habit so she feels better then tell her you're NOT down for this. She cannot be the only one getting thier needs met.. be clear again that you're unable to offer her friendship.. it isn't serving you as well so to speak. IF she is calling for another chance then DON'T JUMP... ask her what it is she's willing to give and whats changed her mind... Just my 2 cent's here.. but just saying this isn't like a lot of other peoples situations where the EX ISN'T calling, texting or trying to keep in contact... perhaps the time apart has given her a new perspective. Good Luck with whatever you decide
TheBarnacle Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by Merin Just my 2 cent's here.. but just saying this isn't like a lot of other peoples situations where the EX ISN'T calling, texting or trying to keep in contact... perhaps the time apart has given her a new perspective. nonsense. after just a week how much could her perspective changed? how much do YOU "grow" in one week? one week is a knee-jerk reaction...fear...anxiety...regret...anxious and fearful about regretting her decision. ameshal, think about the MOST realistic situation. after a week, what's MORE likely? that she "discovered" she can't be without you? or (no offense), she's just afraid and questioning her decision? this is a classic set-up. ameshal: the breaker-upper has fit of lonliness, remebers all those good times she had with you, calls you to hear your voice. you say "ok, i'll try again...but ONLY if you've changed". she says desperately "I have, i really have"......2 weeks later, she feels trapped, and bugged out b/c she went back on her original decision, WHICH was based on something (whatever that is!!!!). so she dumps you again. the soda machine is rocking....don't let it land on you.
Merin Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by TheBarnacle nonsense. This from a Guy in his 30's who likes the rush of a new relationship... They were together for 5 years.. I'll give Amshel the benefit of the doubt that maybe he knows her better than you or I do.
Author ameshal Posted May 18, 2005 Author Posted May 18, 2005 Well, She called again last night, and we spoke for about 20 min. The call was mainly about some of the things she has been doing lately and what friends she has been seeing. I wasnt really interested in chatting about the weather, so to speak, so I asked her what was on her mind. She said she was confused and missed me. I asked her what exactly that meant. She said she didnt know, but she felt that this was best. At this point, Im starting to feel sick during the call, and asked her if she felt it best why is she calling/texting me daily? She said that this is how she copes. I told her I cope differently and that I didnt want to speak to her anymore. I said "I know whats happening here, and I know that you just have a feeling where you need to hear my voice, and I would be lying if I didnt say hearing your voice lifts my spirits. The feeling is not real or genuine anymore though, and you have made a decision about us that works for you. I've made a decesion as well, and that decision works for me. I dont want you calling me anymore. I'm moving on and speaking with you every day doesnt help me do that." She was quiet for a moment and then said "Well if you dont want me calling, I wont" I said "ok." She said "I'll say goodnight then." I said "Goodnight" and hung up. I think that moment that I hung up possibly ranks as one of the worst momemts of my life. I was crushed. I didnt want to be alone just then, so I went to my Moms, and spent some time on her couch just chatting. I then broke down and started crying... . I know I did the right thing, but my gosh this is hard. Having said that, I still dont ever plan on calling her. I felt that I did my best and gave my all when I was in the relationship, and now I have to do that for myself. Its so much easier said than done though....I have these incredible shots of anxiety going through me here at work as I sit through meetings, its taking all my energy...ugh...what a way to live.... Thank you for all your help guys. Confused and Merin, I read both of your posts and I so much appreciate you posting your thoughts and feelings during your own hard times. This site is great, and Im grateful for the words that you all give to help us all get through what are some of the hardest times of our lives.
TheBarnacle Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 At this point, Im starting to feel sick during the call, and asked her if she felt it best why is she calling/texting me daily? She said that this is how she copes. I told her I cope differently and that I didnt want to speak to her anymore. I said "I know whats happening here, and I know that you just have a feeling where you need to hear my voice, and I would be lying if I didnt say hearing your voice lifts my spirits. The feeling is not real or genuine anymore though, and you have made a decision about us that works for you. I've made a decesion as well, and that decision works for me. I dont want you calling me anymore. I'm moving on and speaking with you every day doesnt help me do that." I think that moment that I hung up possibly ranks as one of the worst momemts of my life. I was crushed. I didnt want to be alone just then, so I went to my Moms, and spent some time on her couch just chatting. I then broke down and started crying... . I know I did the right thing, but my gosh this is hard. Having said that, I still dont ever plan on calling her. I felt that I did my best and gave my all when I was in the relationship, and now I have to do that for myself. Its so much easier said than done though....I have these incredible shots of anxiety going through me here at work as I sit through meetings, its taking all my energy...ugh...what a way to live.... good for you, ameshal! seriously....it is VERY hard. don't think i don't know. merin likes to think she knows me from 2-3 posts but truth is, i've only recently ended a very long term committed relationship (no "new relationship rush" for me). and you're doing what's right for you. and you seem to be taking good care of yourself, in the process. it IS very very hard. and you will feel alone and lonely. BUT, you did a good thing by filling that void with family. you will find ways to fill it more with friends, activities, etc. it doesn't mean it won't be hard, or that you can't be sad. but you have to take care of yourself. it is cliche, but if she and you decide in the future you want to maintain contact, let it be after you've had some time and space to gather perspective. trust me, i know this is hard....extremely. as i sit here typing this, i too feel like i could puke over my keyboard. heartache is tough...but really, you ARE going to be ok.
Merin Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 Originally posted by TheBarnacle merin likes to think she knows me from 2-3 posts. LOL Don't flatter yourself- Ameshal, You've handled yourself with class and dignity.. I am so sorry things didn't go the way you would've wanted but at least now you do have some answers that will help you in moving forward. Hang in there Honey
TheBarnacle Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 ameshal: hey, man...just read your ealier thread (the full story). i'm not going to fully retract what i've said here...but, based on my own experience, and the fact that you're both in your 30's and this wasn't some adolescent fling, let me offer one caveat to what i've said before. don't totally dismiss her feelings if you think they're legit. AND don't deny your own. one mistake i made was that i didn't communicate to my previous g/f of 5 years. after she dumped me, i was obviously angry and hurt, so i acted hard towards her. this had the obvious effect of pushing her away and into another man's arms eventually. WHAT I REALLY WANTED was for her to still want me and us to work to be together...so...i guess i should ammend my hard and fast rule some. be good to yourself. you've been honest. you've told her how you feel. don't let her use you as her coping tool. but don't totally dismiss her if you believe she's being genuine. bottom line, if she's confused, she needs to work that out. but if you believe (in time) that she HAS figured out whatever it is, don't dismiss her if she's still what you want.
Author ameshal Posted May 18, 2005 Author Posted May 18, 2005 Thanks Barnacle and Merin. I really appreciate your insight and advice guys. Barnacle I do think that her feelings are legit. She is, however, the one who initiated all of this. I considered maintaining contact with her (something I never do with ex's), but as I mentioned, I dont want to be there just to make this trip easier for her. Im positive she still loves me and needs to speak with me (I dont think I have heard the last of her), but I dont know if its what shes looking for right now. I feel by forcibly removing myself from the situation I force her to confront her own feelings and from that point she can decide what she wants to do. I also remove myself from a "limbo" situation where I leave my emotional well being up to her. I was open to her for 5 years and today I am in a world of pain because of it. I used to think that NC was they way to go in this situation at all times, but as you mentioned we are not kids and this wasnt a short fling. Do I get back in touch and just see how it goes over time? To be honest Im not sure about much right now.... I will write more tonight...I'm at work now and in meetings all day......painful in its own way!
Angeleyez2583 Posted May 18, 2005 Posted May 18, 2005 If it were me telling a guy I was with that I missed him, I'd truely mean it. However, I'd also leave messages stating "we need to talk" etc etc. Maybe she does want you back. However, you have a descion to make. You could go on not talking to her like you are, but do you want her back? If you want her back, maybe call her in a couple days to see what she wants. By not talking to her you are going to cause her to move on. So I don't know if that's what she wants or not, or what you want. I think maybe you should hear her out one time and see what she has to say. If she says "I made the biggest mistake of my life and I still love you," then she's not beating around the bush. Anything else is just BS.
Author ameshal Posted May 20, 2005 Author Posted May 20, 2005 Hi Angeleyez, When she says she misses me I know she means it. Its the context she means it in now, that doesnt allow me to act on what she says. When we last talked she said that she still feels that her decesion to end us was the right one. Since that is her feeling, then it doesnt really leave anything to say from my end. I dont believe I could have done anything more to save the relationship. I showed he I adored her every day. I called her "beautiful" when I saw her, I went all out for her 30th birthday with tons of presents, a trip away, and the most heartfelt card (which I feel is actually more important than all that other stuff.) In fact, I have very few regrets at all about how I acted in the relationship, and now being on the outside and trying to be objective, I am angry and hurt about much of what she did. There is a feeling of liberation that comes from not always picturing your significant other in a positive glow, but looking at them for the person they are...faults and all. She ended the relationship, because she couldnt bring herself to commit to a future for us. I ended contact b/c I didnt want to just remain "friends". I think she knows that if she wants to discuss "us" then that door is still open ....for now .
TheBarnacle Posted May 20, 2005 Posted May 20, 2005 ame: i'm actually on the other side of your situation where i ended a relationship and have occassional pangs of panic where i want to call and take it back even though i know my decision is the "right" one for me right now (i have of course been on your side of this too...long story). i admire your perspective, and think you're right on. keep doing what's good for you.
TheBarnacle Posted May 20, 2005 Posted May 20, 2005 Originally posted by ameshal I feel by forcibly removing myself from the situation I force her to confront her own feelings and from that point she can decide what she wants to do. I also remove myself from a "limbo" situation where I leave my emotional well being up to her. this is good to come back to, ash. i've been pretty good at sticking to my most recent decision b/c i've allowed myself (in the past) to get stuck in "limbo" for far too long. and i do NOT want that to continue. you've got a good grasp of this stuff, stick to it, stay out of limbo.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 Just out of curiosity, you are in your 30's, dated for five years...did the subject of marriage ever come up? Did one of you want it and one not? Did she drop hints that you didn't pick up on? Not related to the above sentence, I am also on the other side where I think of the good times and I want to call my ex soooo bad. We broke up after 7 months because it became sort of an LDR and I couldn't handle it in my life just now. But I feel bad cuz I know it really was love and not a rebound. I emailed after 2 weeks, and texted after 3 weeks and he has not responded. Then, I get thinking of the reasons I broke it off, and imagine how great life with him will be......in ten years. Hell I can't wait that long!!! I want to live my life now. Then I think of the good times, and dammit why hasn't he replied to my email yet?
Author ameshal Posted May 27, 2005 Author Posted May 27, 2005 Hi MWC, Yeah the topic of marriage came up from time to time. I was the one who brought it up, just to feel the waters out so to speak. It was quite evident that that wasnt something she wanted at this point in her life. At any rate, its better that I find out now rather than 10 years down the road. I'm trying to get on with life, and realizing a little more every day that maybe I havent met my future wife yet...Its hard to put 5 years behind you, but every little moment that goes by helps...as long as we arent dwelling in that moment. Ash
Recommended Posts