Popsicle Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Did you spend much time thinking about WHY you had an A? Did this question plague you, or was it easy to answer? Or, did you not think about it at all and moved forward with what you wanted to do at the time?
Mrs. John Adams Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Did you spend much time thinking about WHY you had an A? Did this question plague you, or was it easy to answer? Or, did you not think about it at all and moved forward with what you wanted to do at the time? I can only speak for myself...yes i have spent a lot of time thinking about WHY I had an affair after I had the affair.....there is no easy answer......
Author Popsicle Posted September 25, 2015 Author Posted September 25, 2015 I can only speak for myself...yes i have spent a lot of time thinking about WHY I had an affair after I had the affair.....there is no easy answer...... Please feel free to share in public or private. If not, I understand.
Mrs. John Adams Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 share what? I answered the question. 1
Author Popsicle Posted September 25, 2015 Author Posted September 25, 2015 share what? I answered the question. What the (un)easy answer is/was.
Mrs. John Adams Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 I have asked myself the question why for thirty two years....and there is no cut and dried easy answer to the question. I had to be extremely honest with myself about myself and about our marriage and relationship....and it is very important to look at the mistakes and choices and not make them again. A WS must be very careful when looking at the "whys"....that the answers don't become "reasons" or "excuses". Some Waywards never get past the reasons.....and there comes a time when both the BS and the WS have to let go of "blame".... make sense? 1
Author Popsicle Posted September 25, 2015 Author Posted September 25, 2015 I have asked myself the question why for thirty two years....and there is no cut and dried easy answer to the question. I had to be extremely honest with myself about myself and about our marriage and relationship....and it is very important to look at the mistakes and choices and not make them again. A WS must be very careful when looking at the "whys"....that the answers don't become "reasons" or "excuses". Some Waywards never get past the reasons.....and there comes a time when both the BS and the WS have to let go of "blame".... make sense? That's very interesting.... Thank you for sharing.
lovinDKT3 Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Being honest, its really hard to seperate reasons before hard with excuses afterwards. I have been over this for many years and it really comes down to resentment and a lack of respect for him. I lost my trust in him and really felt my marriage was over. I know this comes across as blaming him, but that isnt the case. The affair is 100% on me. He did nothing to deserve the pain I caused him. 4
sunburned Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Plagues me still. I guess that's why I'm rattling around LS two years on. 1
cocorico Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Did you spend much time thinking about WHY you had an A? Did this question plague you, or was it easy to answer? Or, did you not think about it at all and moved forward with what you wanted to do at the time? My H addressed this in IC, and then moved on with the lessons learned.
DreamP Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 I cheated on my bf 20 years ago. We were in a committed relationship and were thinking marriage. I know exactly why I cheated. I am a very logical person and I don't linger on those thoughts any more. I unconsciously had come to the realization that he was not the man I wanted. Being immature, instead of breaking things up, I cheated. I unconsciously wanted to get caught and I did. We tried to work thru it but ended up breaking up soon afterwards. After that I promised never to cheat again because I realized it didn't solve any problems. I just need to face the music and fix or walk away from the relationship. It was a learning experience for me. It doesn't bother me. We have all done stupid things in relationships that hurt out partners. This was just another one. 20 years later I find myself thinking about cheating again, however for different reasons. After being stuck in an unhappy marriage for years, a person can only take so much. Its not about "once a cheater, always a cheater." This is a result of 10 years of almost no sex life and other issues in the marriage. If my husband was willing to work on the relationship, I wouldn't be thinking about cheating. I am not actively looking to stray, but given the opportunity, I wouldn't refuse and I wouldn't feel guilty. As I have said, I am a very logical person that looks at the situation very practically. If I can engage in a secret sexual relationship and get a some temporary pleasure, to me it is worth it just to maintain my sanity. I don't prescribe to the puritanical values that bind 2 people to an exclusive sexual relationship. Sex does not have to be exclusive and there are worst things than sexually cheating. Like cheating your partner out of love and happiness. Giving your body to somebody else is a very small betrayal compared to being the cause of your partner's misery and doing nothing about it. Not saying one bad act justifies another. Just putting into perspective that sexual cheating is a small infringement on the relationship compared to many other things. From an evolutionary standpoint, we are creatures built for multiple partners. When we commit ourselves to a single person, we are actually going against what comes naturally. So to me, sexual cheating is not on the top list of bad things we do in a relationship. That is why it doesn't bother me as much.
autumnnight Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 I think anytime a relationship ends and anytime we make choices that are not in line with our desired character, we should look at the why. To simply "stop" like a robot and put a behavior bandaid on it does not address the root of the issue. 1
Mrs. John Adams Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 And I feel you need continue to examine yourself forever...
RecentChange Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Sure, I think about the "why's" - but I can't come up with a cut and dry answer you know? The reasons are many, not that those reasons JUSTIFY it... But the more I thought about it, the more would surface. I will straight up admit selfishness is high on that list. I want my cake and to eat it too. I think I feel that I have sacrificed a lot for my relationship, and suddenly "missing out" on this experience / opportunity wasn't something I was going let pass by. Issues with our sex life - and (at the time) unconscious resentment towards my partner. My somewhat divergent views around sex - I used to LOVE having an F' buddy, something about unattached, casual sex satisfies something deep in me. I really really missed it.. My own "justifications" that he had an emotional and physical affair - so my PA wasn't "that bad". My wandering.... Is about sex only. We aren't emotionally intertwined. I don't want to "be" with him - its just some sex and excitement added to my life. Consciously I know its a big risk for a small reward. In the end, I can't tell myself that it's the "right" thing to do. I know its wrong, but I still do not feel guilty about it really. It's self indulgent.... I do find myself wondering how I can do such a s****ty thing, yet not feel that bad about it. 1
purplesorrow Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 I cheated on my bf 20 years ago. We were in a committed relationship and were thinking marriage. I know exactly why I cheated. I am a very logical person and I don't linger on those thoughts any more. I unconsciously had come to the realization that he was not the man I wanted. Being immature, instead of breaking things up, I cheated. I unconsciously wanted to get caught and I did. We tried to work thru it but ended up breaking up soon afterwards. After that I promised never to cheat again because I realized it didn't solve any problems. I just need to face the music and fix or walk away from the relationship. It was a learning experience for me. It doesn't bother me. We have all done stupid things in relationships that hurt out partners. This was just another one. 20 years later I find myself thinking about cheating again, however for different reasons. After being stuck in an unhappy marriage for years, a person can only take so much. Its not about "once a cheater, always a cheater." This is a result of 10 years of almost no sex life and other issues in the marriage. If my husband was willing to work on the relationship, I wouldn't be thinking about cheating. I am not actively looking to stray, but given the opportunity, I wouldn't refuse and I wouldn't feel guilty. As I have said, I am a very logical person that looks at the situation very practically. If I can engage in a secret sexual relationship and get a some temporary pleasure, to me it is worth it just to maintain my sanity. I don't prescribe to the puritanical values that bind 2 people to an exclusive sexual relationship. Sex does not have to be exclusive and there are worst things than sexually cheating. Like cheating your partner out of love and happiness. Giving your body to somebody else is a very small betrayal compared to being the cause of your partner's misery and doing nothing about it. Not saying one bad act justifies another. Just putting into perspective that sexual cheating is a small infringement on the relationship compared to many other things. From an evolutionary standpoint, we are creatures built for multiple partners. When we commit ourselves to a single person, we are actually going against what comes naturally. So to me, sexual cheating is not on the top list of bad things we do in a relationship. That is why it doesn't bother me as much. Why stay? Nothing wrong in thinking monogamy goes against nature as long as your partner knows you feel this way. You know about his short comings, why hide yours by doing them in secret?
DreamP Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Why stay? Nothing wrong in thinking monogamy goes against nature as long as your partner knows you feel this way. You know about his short comings, why hide yours by doing them in secret? Too many reasons. Issues with my marriage need it's own thread. I don't want to derail this one. Just wanted to provide a different perspective on cheating. People usually think of the cheating partner as the worse one. That if they truly want to be a better person and/or salvage their relationship, they need to be sorry and remorseful. However, things aren't always that black and white. Sometimes you can regret being immature without regretting the action itself. And sometimes you do not regret doing "bad" things because that "bad" action was not really that bad on the scale of everything else going on in your life.
A.Moscote Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 (edited) sorry, there's the answer above. Edited September 25, 2015 by A.Moscote hurried reply
Got it Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Definitely, something I have really deep dived. Really looking at how the first thoughts started, the slippery slopes, and my thinking to get me to allowing that end result. Even though I divorced does not mean I do not think I have a lot to figure out and own to never do it again. 1
purplesorrow Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Too many reasons. Issues with my marriage need it's own thread. I don't want to derail this one. Just wanted to provide a different perspective on cheating. People usually think of the cheating partner as the worse one. That if they truly want to be a better person and/or salvage their relationship, they need to be sorry and remorseful. However, things aren't always that black and white. Sometimes you can regret being immature without regretting the action itself. And sometimes you do not regret doing "bad" things because that "bad" action was not really that bad on the scale of everything else going on in your life. But you're not being immature about it. You gave your intellectual view on cheating and monogamy. Now you're saying do bad things to them because they did worse bad things first? Is cheating really your only option? If you cheat and he catches you and asks for a divorce, will you leave?
compulsivedancer Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 A WS must be very careful when looking at the "whys"....that the answers don't become "reasons" or "excuses". Some Waywards never get past the reasons.....and there comes a time when both the BS and the WS have to let go of "blame".... Especially since as soon as you post "whys" on LS, even when asked for them, you get blasted for your "excuses." The only way to not get killed on LS as a WS is to go with the party line: "I did it because I'm broken. I'm an awful person and I regret every instant of the affair. I take full responsibility, and my BS had no part in it whatsoever even if our marriage was basically failing beforehand." If you read any of my old threads, you'll see that I went through every stage of trying to figure out the "whys." The reality is, it IS complicated. There were many many things that went through my head. Many of them had to do with me being very very selfish, many of them were related to basic naiveté, and many involved looking for things that were missing in my marriage or my life. And many simply involved taking lots of little "innocent" baby steps that eventually added up to some very scary giant leaps. 4
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