Author Copper1212 Posted September 25, 2015 Author Posted September 25, 2015 Have you told her all of the things you're not proud of? That might even the scales because you'd be making yourself as vulnerable to judgment as she has made herself. I have. But, sadly in this culture it is deemed okay and expected for guys to act that way.
BlueIris Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Well, we each make our own decisions about how much we set our own standards and how much societal standards rule us. It gets easier as you get older and older and you get used to the reality that there's always going to be someone disapproving of you. Edited to add: That's good that she's not judging you harshly or thinking less of you.
Rephinican Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Great post. In a way, she has never had a random one night stand hook up. All of these guys, were guys who explained in detail how much they like her and in fact said " hey this isnt a hook up, i wanna pursue a relationship with you". It was never a "hey lets hook up for fun", and she has turned down lots of other offers. She has matured a lot over the past year, too. She often tells me how she thinks her friends should handle situations they are in that are similar. I see. Well, if she's matured since then that's great! I think you need to try and take what happened in the past in stride and use what she thinks now as your basis for who she is as a person. I know my opinions have changed a lot in many different ways during the past three years (heck, during the past three months ) and if this is the only blip in your relationship I wouldn't worry too much about it. And well, if she never actually had a ONS hook-up that's even better! And from what you say about her, it's clear you really care for her and that she fits you values almost perfectly.Honestly, it seems like you just need to talk with your girlfriend about this a little to get some closure. I think a good heart-to-heart might fully clear up this issue and allow you to both move forward in this relationship. -Reph
GunslingerRoland Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Have you ever seen Chasing Amy? If not you should watch it... or at the very least Google the silent bob chasing amy monologue. Silent Bob may smack some sense into you. 1
oldshirt Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 I might be totally wrong here... I think what bothers you is her inability to protect herself. Some young girls have difficulty being assertive, and I think your gf is not so much promiscuous, but she is not able to guard her boundaries. She was bullied and taken advantage of but she didn't tell the story that way because she's too compliant when she should be angry. Maybe you are angry for her? I think this theory has a lot of validity. Men and women are both turned off by what they perceive as weakness and inability/unwillingness to stand up for themselves. People are turned off if think someone is desperate or easily manipulated. It's a respect issue. Women lose respect for guys that are "nice guys" who subjugate themselves to women and are manipulated into rubbing their feet, buying them gifts and doing errands for them but are not able to achieve any romantic/sexual desire from them. Men lose respect for women who are easily manipulated into sex by men and who are so desperate for male attention and acceptance that they offer up sex and blow them in parking lots on the first date because they think that is the only way to get a BF. It's not that she had sex with a number of dudes that turned you off. It was that these dudes could could sweet talk her on the internet and have her blow them in a parking lot on the first date and then walk away and she didn't get it that is turning you off. If she had slept with the same number of men, but those men were stand-up guys that she held accountable and required them to treat her well and she was empowered in her own sexuality and wasn't manipulated and hadn't acted out of desperation and hadn't allowed herself to be used - it would be a whole different story. 4
Author Copper1212 Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 Sorry to break iy to you but you're dating a h0e. This is all just what she told you and you don't know what else she is holding back. The little she's told you, she sure has buttered it up to make herself look all nice, sweet and innocent in these little stories of hers. Those evil menz made her do this and how she'll be devastated if you break up with her, blah...blah...blah... All these stories are simply to bring out the savior role in you and always stay with her no matter how horrible she treats you. This woman will manipulate you to the ends of the earth. You seem inexperienced yourself so you will fall for all of it. She will butter you up as the best thing to ever happen to her. She will idolize you and worship you. They do this to make you feel on top of the world only to pull out the rug from underneath you when you least expect it. This woman is a deadly siren and unfortunately, you have already been hypnotized by her wicked song so you will just make up excuses and dodge any advice. I will pray for you and at least you will gain some experience from what is bound to be a painful ride if you stay with her. Sounds like someone had a bad relationship or two? You are rather assumptive of her, for someone who has never met her. She is not a hoe, even if she wanted to have sex on the first date--that does not make her a hoe. Women have sexual drives, too. If they want to do those things, they certainly can. As others have said, Id be less upset if this guys didnt manipulate her. 1
Author Copper1212 Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 I think this theory has a lot of validity. Men and women are both turned off by what they perceive as weakness and inability/unwillingness to stand up for themselves. People are turned off if think someone is desperate or easily manipulated. It's a respect issue. Women lose respect for guys that are "nice guys" who subjugate themselves to women and are manipulated into rubbing their feet, buying them gifts and doing errands for them but are not able to achieve any romantic/sexual desire from them. Men lose respect for women who are easily manipulated into sex by men and who are so desperate for male attention and acceptance that they offer up sex and blow them in parking lots on the first date because they think that is the only way to get a BF. It's not that she had sex with a number of dudes that turned you off. It was that these dudes could could sweet talk her on the internet and have her blow them in a parking lot on the first date and then walk away and she didn't get it that is turning you off. If she had slept with the same number of men, but those men were stand-up guys that she held accountable and required them to treat her well and she was empowered in her own sexuality and wasn't manipulated and hadn't acted out of desperation and hadn't allowed herself to be used - it would be a whole different story. I can see this being true. However, as this incidents happened over a year ago, and we have been dating for a strong loyal and caring year full of happiness, it is time for me to stop pondering on it. She has told me numerous times how much she has grow since those situations.
preraph Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 You may have to regard her as you would a very young woman who is still sort of innocent because she may be a bit behind when it comes to experience (and not just the sex kind). She may still be very vulnerable. If she says something that you think shows no boundaries and is just wrong, I would at least voice that you disagree with that way of thinking. She may be struggling to just get a grip on her new body and dating and being sexual and be very confused and chaotic. Guide her along by at least telling her why you don't think that was a wise decision, but do it in a positive way and always let her know you understand she has to make her own mistakes like everyone else but that you care and don't want her to get hurt.
Author Copper1212 Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 I think I have been a little unfair with my description. A lot of questions were me asking, along with mutually questions from her.
Terry8889 Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 (edited) Well, no. She has turned down sex for lots of people, then and now. I dont think its fair to judge the dynamic of it if we werent there. People can be very manipulative. If a guy she has been talking to for a few weeks online meets up with you, you guys really hit it of and hours into one thing led to another, its different then what you expect. Also, how many girls go home to one night stands out at the bar? Lets say she was a guy instead of a girl, then woud it be okay to have sex on the first date? The problem isnt what she did morally, rather the fact that I feel she was taken advantaged of. I dont know the kind of girls you know but the women around me including myself dont sleep around with guys we meet at bars. I am not prude at all but I think it is just plain disgusting to let total stranger have your body like if it is nothing. Maybe trashy girls have sex with strangers but women with good values and self respect do not do those things. I would want to date a man or woman with values and self respect bc those are the kinds of things I want for the foundation of my future family. But it seems like you dont care about it. Our society is going down bc of things like that. Edited September 27, 2015 by Terry8889
Author Copper1212 Posted October 8, 2015 Author Posted October 8, 2015 I think women should have the same sexual freedom men do. She had sex maybe a total of 9 times before me. It is unfair of me judge, as I have has casual hook ups too. The difference is, she has never slept with anyone she hasn't has genuine feelings for and wanted to date. Guys can be very very minipullative, especially online when they talk to you for weeks. I have come to terms with this over the last few weeks.
chapter44 Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 Am I the only one who thinks it is absolutely ridiculous when people get upset over the past sexual actions of their current partner? Remember this happened before you ever met the person! 2
No_Go Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 OP please consider what I'm saying - I totally relate to your GF, have oh so similar experiences. It is NOT sexual promiscuity, it is bad boundaries, provoked from some emotional problem (probably exceeding beyond the weight issue in the past). My own case: I was raised in a pretty abusive household. I didn't even consider intimacy of any sort by age of 27... Then a situation happened: a 19-year older than me guy lured me into sexual relationship. It escalated from meet to kiss to sex in few days. It turned abusive soon. I didn't know what to do, how to leave. Next: my 2nd sexual partner. Asked me to move in after a week of dating, in a month we achieved that... I lost tons of money (he never paid rent etc), got rid of him miraculously. Than I met my now BF - a good guy, serious minded, looking for a LTR. So how to tell my current BF? I start sharing details because I wanted to be open, HE asked me to stop. Obviously didn't feel comfortable. And how would he? The two men that I slept with before him were an abuser and a con-artist. After he asked me not to talk about it my BF and I never discussed these episodes of my past, ever again. It may happen in the future, when we are together for years, as a memory of the past, but not now. Said all that to suggest not to dig into your GF past. She just didn't know how to maintain her boundaries because of another underlying issue, whatever it is. It is what it is, let it go and enjoy that she's with you now. Well, I just want to get rid of the feeling i have. My gf, has only slept with a total of three people. Never a one night stand, never meaningless ( to her) it was always with someone she wanted a relationship out of. Everyone has a past, and hers is so much better than the majority of people I know. Im not super irritated, I think a part of me hates how naive she was to what guys can be like. 1
chapter44 Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 How exactly are my comments shaming anyone? Most everyone has a past, it cannot be changed or altered so why get upset over it. Why not put the emphasis on who she is now? 1
SpiralOut Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 I will agree with the other posters saying that your girlfriend had poor boundaries. That can be a red flag. She says that she would handle things differently now. Have you seen any evidence to support what she's saying? Does she stand up to other people in her life? If she has poor boundaries, she can be bullied by other people in her life, not just men she's dating. It can affect her relationship with you also. If you were in a situation where you needed her to stand up for you, would she? If she needed to stand up for both of you, would she? I don't know her, so I don't know if she has become more assertive since you've met her. However, I can see why you would feel bothered by the stories she told you. I think it's about her reliability, not her sexual past.
TheFinalWord Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 So, I want to start out by saying two things. First, I know I am being a douche bag here. I am admitting it's me who is in the wrong-not my girlfriend. It is completely subjective, and I hate the negative feelings I have about the situation here. This is why I am here, to get advice. Secondly, my girlfriend is not the story I am describing to you. She is a very, very sweet, loving, and caring person who talks nothing other than marriage and how she just wants respect and love. She is very trustworthy, loyal, smart and beautiful. I can count on her for anything. I started dating this girl almost a year ago. We met on Tinder, strangely enough. ( I don't use this app a lot, it was kind of strange we met at all). I noticed on the first few dates she was very open with talking about past sexual encounters ( there wasn't many), and although I'm usually pretty stern about talking about not talking about ex's or things of these matters, it kinda just happened this time. The first thing she told me was about two years ago she use to weigh a lot more, and guys never really paid attention to her. Then a guy at a coffee randomly gave her his number, they met up a week later, and that was her first kiss and casual person she go make out with, but she found out he went to prison for armed robbery, and only saw him a few times after. Not long after that she was walking around LA with her friends, and a random person started kissing her. Not her type, she let it happen because she was a little tipsy. From what she explained, he was some super ghetto kid she wouldn't let around her little sister. She is very embarrassed about this things, and they are not something she is proud of. It was hard to believe because she comes off as so classy. I disregarded it, because I knew it was just a few mistakes we all make. She hadnt even had sex yet during this situations. So, she told me about 8 months before she met me, she talked to this guy online for about a month and they became very close. They agreed online that they wanted to start dating eventually, and when they met up, she would lose her virginity to him ( this happened on the second date) after about a few dates, he stopped wanting to see her. It was a very hurtful situation for her, and for some reason the story angered me. The next guy was four months later. She met him online too after speaking for about a week. When they met up, he asked to have sex with her. She told him no repeatedly, and he eventually started to become very manipulative with her. Saying how much he liked her, how this wasnt a random hook up, and how he wanted to keep seeing and he wouldnt see her ay differently if he just let it happen. She thought as a girl, this was expected of her, and they drove to a store and got condoms. What shocked me was she gave her first Blowjob, to a guy she met online, on the first night they met. They saw each other for about a month before they both broke it off. We met, and have been dating for about a year since. Now, she constantly tells me on her own how much more respect and knowledge she has now that she has gained experienced. She tells me and her friends how if we ever broke up she would handle future guys a lot differently and wisely. I know she has only slept with three people, three of whom she wanted to date, but why do these stories bother me so much? I have seen other girls, with way more promiscuous backgrounds, but for some reason her stories make me see her slightly different. I KNOW I am being childish and unfair here--i cant help it. Any advice? This is why you date. If it bothers you, move on and find someone else. I think it is weird for someone to unload all of their past relationships onto a new relationship, but some people wear their emotions on their sleeves. I think it is more that you have different communication styles.
Disconnect Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 (edited) Which means more to you, OP? Going forth, what is more important when it comes to building and having a good relationship? 1 or 2? ... 1. ''She is a very, very sweet, loving, and caring person who talks nothing other than marriage and how she just wants respect and love. She is very trustworthy, loyal, smart and beautiful. I can count on her for anything. '' or... 2. The fact that she has a sexual past. Which everyone does. It's just a part of life. I know it bothers me to hear that stuff so I've learned not to ask / invite it any more. She could have not told you but she did, so there, you can also add honesty to your above quote. Is your own sexual history absolutely squeaky clean? If not, you're being a hypocrite, and you need to get out of this silly sulk. P.S - a couple of sexual encounters on first or second dates is not a weird past. Edited October 8, 2015 by Disconnect Typo
Author Copper1212 Posted October 8, 2015 Author Posted October 8, 2015 Which means more to you, OP? Going forth, what is more important when it comes to building and having a good relationship? 1 or 2? ... 1. ''She is a very, very sweet, loving, and caring person who talks nothing other than marriage and how she just wants respect and love. She is very trustworthy, loyal, smart and beautiful. I can count on her for anything. '' or... 2. The fact that she has a sexual past. Which everyone does. It's just a part of life. I know it bothers me to hear that stuff so I've learned not to ask / invite it any more. She could have not told you but she did, so there, you can also add honesty to your above quote. Is your own sexual history absolutely squeaky clean? If not, you're being a hypocrite, and you need to get out of this silly sulk. P.S - a couple of sexual encounters on first or second dates is not a weird past. I agree with you, and as my last post has stated, I have come to terms with this situation. I am being petty, I know.
Author Copper1212 Posted October 8, 2015 Author Posted October 8, 2015 I will agree with the other posters saying that your girlfriend had poor boundaries. That can be a red flag. She says that she would handle things differently now. Have you seen any evidence to support what she's saying? Does she stand up to other people in her life? If she has poor boundaries, she can be bullied by other people in her life, not just men she's dating. It can affect her relationship with you also. If you were in a situation where you needed her to stand up for you, would she? If she needed to stand up for both of you, would she? I don't know her, so I don't know if she has become more assertive since you've met her. However, I can see why you would feel bothered by the stories she told you. I think it's about her reliability, not her sexual past. She is a lot more assertive now, and I see that with everything, even with how she handles her friends. 1
Oli. Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 If you want a conservative girl then maybe a sex app wasn't the best place to look for her. Still for a tinder girl she is actually a saint. 2
SpiralOut Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 She is a lot more assertive now, and I see that with everything, even with how she handles her friends. That's good to hear. I can relate to your girlfriend. I can understand why she would tell you those stories, but I think it was a mistake on her part. She should have filtered the information she gave you. Changing from a doormat into an assertive person takes hard work and can feel daunting. It can even feel humiliating to look back on your past and realize the crap you used to put up with. Maybe instead of feeling weirded out by her past, try and focus on the courage it took for her to change. If you haven't done so already (I haven't read this whole thread) maybe tell her that you don't want to hear about her sexual past anymore.
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