Copper1212 Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 So, I want to start out by saying two things. First, I know I am being a douche bag here. I am admitting it's me who is in the wrong-not my girlfriend. It is completely subjective, and I hate the negative feelings I have about the situation here. This is why I am here, to get advice. Secondly, my girlfriend is not the story I am describing to you. She is a very, very sweet, loving, and caring person who talks nothing other than marriage and how she just wants respect and love. She is very trustworthy, loyal, smart and beautiful. I can count on her for anything. I started dating this girl almost a year ago. We met on Tinder, strangely enough. ( I don't use this app a lot, it was kind of strange we met at all). I noticed on the first few dates she was very open with talking about past sexual encounters ( there wasn't many), and although I'm usually pretty stern about talking about not talking about ex's or things of these matters, it kinda just happened this time. The first thing she told me was about two years ago she use to weigh a lot more, and guys never really paid attention to her. Then a guy at a coffee randomly gave her his number, they met up a week later, and that was her first kiss and casual person she go make out with, but she found out he went to prison for armed robbery, and only saw him a few times after. Not long after that she was walking around LA with her friends, and a random person started kissing her. Not her type, she let it happen because she was a little tipsy. From what she explained, he was some super ghetto kid she wouldn't let around her little sister. She is very embarrassed about this things, and they are not something she is proud of. It was hard to believe because she comes off as so classy. I disregarded it, because I knew it was just a few mistakes we all make. She hadnt even had sex yet during this situations. So, she told me about 8 months before she met me, she talked to this guy online for about a month and they became very close. They agreed online that they wanted to start dating eventually, and when they met up, she would lose her virginity to him ( this happened on the second date) after about a few dates, he stopped wanting to see her. It was a very hurtful situation for her, and for some reason the story angered me. The next guy was four months later. She met him online too after speaking for about a week. When they met up, he asked to have sex with her. She told him no repeatedly, and he eventually started to become very manipulative with her. Saying how much he liked her, how this wasnt a random hook up, and how he wanted to keep seeing and he wouldnt see her ay differently if he just let it happen. She thought as a girl, this was expected of her, and they drove to a store and got condoms. What shocked me was she gave her first Blowjob, to a guy she met online, on the first night they met. They saw each other for about a month before they both broke it off. We met, and have been dating for about a year since. Now, she constantly tells me on her own how much more respect and knowledge she has now that she has gained experienced. She tells me and her friends how if we ever broke up she would handle future guys a lot differently and wisely. I know she has only slept with three people, three of whom she wanted to date, but why do these stories bother me so much? I have seen other girls, with way more promiscuous backgrounds, but for some reason her stories make me see her slightly different. I KNOW I am being childish and unfair here--i cant help it. Any advice?
Grumpybutfun Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Are you a priest or her bf because she just went all confessional on you? She is young...she doesn't understand much about life and she blurts. Be compassionate towards that or move on to someone else with less experience or less of a confessional nature. You aren't a douche for feeling the way you feel, G 3
Omei Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 First off, you are not being a douchebag here. The mistake is hers for telling you all the little details of her past relationships. Since she is so inexperienced, my guess is that she doesn't know about the effect that divulging those kinds of details has on the guy she is currently seeing. Very few guys really want to hear that kind of crap. Gonna have to agree girls dont much wanna hear that either no one does. 1
Author Copper1212 Posted September 25, 2015 Author Posted September 25, 2015 First off, you are not being a douchebag here. The mistake is hers for telling you all the little details of her past relationships. Since she is so inexperienced, my guess is that she doesn't know about the effect that divulging those kinds of details has on the guy she is currently seeing. Very few guys really want to hear that kind of crap. This wasnt all in one sitting, it kind just happened over time. I admit I did pry a lot at her less detailed statements to know the full story.
CarrieT Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Break up with her. It bothers you and is unlikely these feelings will just vanish. They will fester and make it worse for you. Cut the cord now - for her sake. 5
losangelena Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Yeah, if she's inexperienced, she probably doesn't realize that it would bother you to hear those things; I'm sure in some situations, the guy wouldn't. She probably just feels connected and like she can tell you things. However, I don't think it's weird that someone can be marriage-minded, etc., but still get themselves into some sexual misadventures. The two need not be mutually exclusive. 3
Gloria25 Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 I think almost everyone has a "past" - especially now a days cuz of all of the women's movement and/or sexual revolution crap out there... So, whether you ask or not, the only way you're gonna figure someone out is by spending time with them and that's what dating is all about - you spend time with a person (like 1 1/2 to 2 years) and get to know them. That way you can see them at their best, worst, and/or see if their past is indeed their present. So, you can hang around and see if she actually has matured past that or cut bait now and call it a day.
Maggie4 Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 I might be totally wrong here... I think what bothers you is her inability to protect herself. Some young girls have difficulty being assertive, and I think your gf is not so much promiscuous, but she is not able to guard her boundaries. She was bullied and taken advantage of but she didn't tell the story that way because she's too compliant when she should be angry. Maybe you are angry for her? 3
Author Copper1212 Posted September 25, 2015 Author Posted September 25, 2015 I might be totally wrong here... I think what bothers you is her inability to protect herself. Some young girls have difficulty being assertive, and I think your gf is not so much promiscuous, but she is not able to guard her boundaries. She was bullied and taken advantage of but she didn't tell the story that way because she's too compliant when she should be angry. Maybe you are angry for her? She feels very taken advantaged off. She says her friends constantly told her this is how you get a guy to come around to being your bf, ect. She told me she did not want to do any of those things so fast, she was just very manipulated by a guy she likes. 1
losangelena Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Not to generalize, but I used to be very overweight, too. Figuring out boundaries has been hard in general, but extra hard with men, because (for me at least, even though I'm smaller) there's a scarcity mentality. You think, maybe this is the last man who will ever pay attention to me, I must do whatever it is he wants. Even if she's lost weight, she may still feel that way. Btw, I never caught how old your GF is. Everyone is saying she's young, but is she? 3
Author Copper1212 Posted September 25, 2015 Author Posted September 25, 2015 Not to generalize, but I used to be very overweight, too. Figuring out boundaries has been hard in general, but extra hard with men, because (for me at least, even though I'm smaller) there's a scarcity mentality. You think, maybe this is the last man who will ever pay attention to me, I must do whatever it is he wants. Even if she's lost weight, she may still feel that way. Btw, I never caught how old your GF is. Everyone is saying she's young, but is she? I am sorry you have ever felt that way. She is 22. She lost weight about 2/3 years ago ( like 50 pounds). She is very, very, beautiful and lots of guys now pay attention to her now--I think she got hung up in that. I dont want to sound cocky, but I think a big problem is how girls treat me. e. Lots of my female friends have come on to me, and I have turned them down--to the point where my roommates will ask me if "Im gay?!" I dont enjoy hook ups, so i feel i am extra sensitive to meaningless encounters where a guy uses a girl for his sexual outlet.
losangelena Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 It's tough, OP. I'm glad I'm not in your position. I would hate for you to jettison a good relationship because of things your GF has done, or has had done to her, in the past, especially if she has a good heart and makes a good partner. On the other hand, you know yourself best. You could always try and telegraph into the future a bit and ask yourself, will this bother me in 10 month? What about in 10 years? Will it really make a difference? Either way, don't decide right away, and don't rely on the opinions of strangers on the Internet. Give this some real thought.
Author Copper1212 Posted September 25, 2015 Author Posted September 25, 2015 well, it doesn't bother me to the point of breaking up, and it is a completely double standard, as I have things im not proud of either. I feel like I would be punishing her for being honest, telling me how much she has changed, and how she would handle all those things differently. Girls are allowed to have casual sex--that should not be a problem. The issue is just, that she didnt want to, and I happen to know the names of the people ( and of course i saw their facebooks after) and they are just people i would never expect. Again, my fault for being nosey!
losangelena Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 well, it doesn't bother me to the point of breaking up, and it is a completely double standard, as I have things im not proud of either. I feel like I would be punishing her for being honest, telling me how much she has changed, and how she would handle all those things differently. Girls are allowed to have casual sex--that should not be a problem. The issue is just, that she didnt want to, and I happen to know the names of the people ( and of course i saw their facebooks after) and they are just people i would never expect. Again, my fault for being nosey! Well then I'm curious to know, what do you want to do now that you have that information? 2
Versacehottie Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 (edited) Hmmmm, have you ever considered that probably a large reason that it bothers you so much is that part of what you are attracted to in her is an overall naivete and innocence? Doe-eyed, sweetness? I'm imagining a lot of your connected experiences with her are where she looks up to you a bit and make you feel really good about being a man, a gentleman, her guy. So then it probably bothers you that she essentially frittered away these other opportunities with previous guys that were meaningless--and that her innocence has a downside. Because part of your favorite "quality" about her does have a downside. Just recognize it as that. Obviously chalk up what happened to her as general inexperience and being slightly duped. I think if you can work through why it's bothering you--we can come up with a way to have if not bother you. Excuse me if I'm reaching but I think it's possible that could be the reason or part of it. Because you said you've been with more promiscuous girls and it didn't really bother you. So it's not the promiscuity, it is that in relation to "who" she is, what qualities make her up (especially to you). Also have you considered that you might feel like this because she is the first girl you really see being with for good. Like if the other girls you were just dating or merely gf's and that's it. Whereas this one maybe somewhere you are thinking wife material--if it just weren't for this one thing. That's just an internal conflict which can probably be worked thru too. I think both of the reasons why it bothers you so much may be based in a good thing/reason overall. If you can switch your thinking to that you may be able to work through this. Edited September 25, 2015 by Versacehottie 2
Author Copper1212 Posted September 25, 2015 Author Posted September 25, 2015 Well then I'm curious to know, what do you want to do now that you have that information? Well, I just want to get rid of the feeling i have. My gf, has only slept with a total of three people. Never a one night stand, never meaningless ( to her) it was always with someone she wanted a relationship out of. Everyone has a past, and hers is so much better than the majority of people I know. Im not super irritated, I think a part of me hates how naive she was to what guys can be like.
Author Copper1212 Posted September 25, 2015 Author Posted September 25, 2015 Hmmmm, have you ever considered that probably a large reason that it bothers you so much is that part of what you are attracted to in her is an overall naivete and innocence? Doe-eyed, sweetness? I'm imagining a lot of your connected experiences with her are where she looks up to you a bit and make you feel really good about being a man, a gentleman, her guy. So then it probably bothers you that she essentially frittered away these other opportunities with previous guys that were meaningless--and that her innocence has a downside. Because part of your favorite "quality" about her does have a downside. Just recognize it as that. Obviously chalk up what happened to her as general inexperience and being slightly duped. I think if you can work through why it's bothering you--we can come up with a way to have if not bother you. Excuse me if I'm reaching but I think it's possible that could be the reason or part of it. Because you said you've been with more promiscuous girls and it didn't really bother you. So it's not the promiscuity, it is that in relation to "who" she is, what qualities make her up (especially to you). Also have you considered that you might feel like this because she is the first girl you really see being with for good. Like if the other girls you were just dating or merely gf's and that's it. Whereas this one maybe somewhere you are thinking wife material--if it just weren't for this one thing. That's just an internal conflict which can probably be worked thru too. I think both of the reasons why it bothers you so much may be based in a good thing/reason overall. If you can switch your thinking to that you may be able to work through this. I think we can work through it, absolutely. I have also dated a girl ( my first gf) for 5 years, we were each others first everything. When we broke it off, I saw a few people, nothing serious until now. She is very caring and special, I can see that. I think its a mixture of a bunch of feelings. Im a little turned off that she would meet someoe online, and have sex with someone in such a casual " hey wanna have sex?" drive to the store and get condoms kind of way. But like I said, she has expressed nothing but embarrassment to me about this situations. She hates them, and wishes they never happened.
Terry8889 Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 (edited) Seems like you got yourself a girl with no values or self respect and possibly zero self esteem. You mentioned she was fat before, so I can see a self esteem problem there. She was open to have sex with any random guy who would find her desirable because it made her feel wanted and desired. After all we all want to be wanted I guess. But It seems like she has had no respect for herself and her body. I mean yes we all were inexperienced in life at some point but not just everybody goes to have sex with stranger they meet online. She clearly has some issues because that is not just normal as I said there is some self esteem issue behind. Anyway, I think you should consider if that is the kind of women you want in your future. If you love her accept her past bc you cannot change it. But I you think you can do better, well find someone else. Good luck! Edited September 25, 2015 by Terry8889 2
Jules Dash Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Well, I just want to get rid of the feeling i have. My gf, has only slept with a total of three people. Never a one night stand, never meaningless ( to her) it was always with someone she wanted a relationship out of. Everyone has a past, and hers is so much better than the majority of people I know. Im not super irritated, I think a part of me hates how naive she was to what guys can be like. Unfortunately age and experience is the only cure for this most of the time. You will look back on this years from now and realize that in the dynamics of a relationship, stuff like this really is not such big of a deal. It will eat at you a bit until then. If A woman I am dating now told me about such a thing in her past, I wouldn't think anything of it but I am in my 40s so I have heard lots of stories. But, first of all, I wouldn't even allow the story to even get that far before I would change the subject.
GunslingerRoland Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Sounds like she was a little more naïve than average, and maybe a little desperate because of her extra weight. But her decisions in dating/sex hardly sound any worse than most women her age. She is just more honest about the mistakes. I guess that shows why your policy of not talking about exes is a good one.
mortensorchid Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Hmm ... Well that story does sound strange, I do not doubt that. But I think when we are younger we like to do a lot of crazy things and get involved in strange/dangerous things because we want the experience of all those millions of little seductions. Now, well we learned. As you get older you realize there is really no need to share those things with others because they will think whatever it is that they're doing to think about you no matter what. Ignorance is bliss. You will find this out as you get older and remain so. But I digress... If you like this girl and want to see her, you can do just that and see what your future will or won't be with her. The past is the past and we can't change it.
Rephinican Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 I think we can work through it, absolutely. I have also dated a girl ( my first gf) for 5 years, we were each others first everything. When we broke it off, I saw a few people, nothing serious until now. She is very caring and special, I can see that. I think its a mixture of a bunch of feelings. Im a little turned off that she would meet someoe online, and have sex with someone in such a casual " hey wanna have sex?" drive to the store and get condoms kind of way. But like I said, she has expressed nothing but embarrassment to me about this situations. She hates them, and wishes they never happened. I think it probably the closest you've come to the reason why this is bothering you. It seems here that you're a tad bit worried about misaligned (or even conflicting) values. You aren't the kind of person that likes hook-ups that much, and until you learned this you thought your girlfriend was the same. You weren't really expecting that, were surprised by the revelation, and now find yourself changing the way you look at your girlfriend because of it. It doesn't necessarily matter that she didn't really enjoy these experiences. It matters that they happened, because now you look at her as the kind of person that is capable of this. I think you're fine with the fact that hook-ups happen,but would prefer that your partner not really engage in casual sex or be a part of so-called "hook-up culture". Because you didn't think your girlfriend was and she turned out to be you're having a bit of cognitive dissonance and some conflict you have to sort through. Honestly, I don't think you did anything wrong here and therefore you're not really being a d-bag or an *** (although as some have said, this is why some people like to leave the past in the past). I do think that you need to do a bit of introspection to find out more about why you are feeling so conflicted about this. And I also think you need to talk with your girlfriend about it- not to blame her or insult her about her previous choices but perhaps to help you sort through some of your feelings. You certainly have an issue here and it's your job to fix it but maybe your partner can help you move past these feelings. And good communication never hurts in a relationship. -Reph 1
Author Copper1212 Posted September 25, 2015 Author Posted September 25, 2015 Seems like you got yourself a girl with no values or self respect and possibly zero self esteem. You mentioned she was fat before, so I can see a self esteem problem there. She was open to have sex with any random guy who would find her desirable because it made her feel wanted and desired. After all we all want to be wanted I guess. But It seems like she has had no respect for herself and her body. I mean yes we all were inexperienced in life at some point but not just everybody goes to have sex with stranger they meet online. She clearly has some issues because that is not just normal as I said there is some self esteem issue behind. Anyway, I think you should consider if that is the kind of women you want in your future. If you love her accept her past bc you cannot change it. But I you think you can do better, well find someone else. Good luck! Well, no. She has turned down sex for lots of people, then and now. I dont think its fair to judge the dynamic of it if we werent there. People can be very manipulative. If a guy she has been talking to for a few weeks online meets up with you, you guys really hit it of and hours into one thing led to another, its different then what you expect. Also, how many girls go home to one night stands out at the bar? Lets say she was a guy instead of a girl, then woud it be okay to have sex on the first date? The problem isnt what she did morally, rather the fact that I feel she was taken advantaged of.
BlueIris Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 well, it doesn't bother me to the point of breaking up, and it is a completely double standard, as I have things im not proud of either. I feel like I would be punishing her for being honest, telling me how much she has changed, and how she would handle all those things differently. Girls are allowed to have casual sex--that should not be a problem. The issue is just, that she didnt want to, and I happen to know the names of the people ( and of course i saw their facebooks after) and they are just people i would never expect. Again, my fault for being nosey! Have you told her all of the things you're not proud of? That might even the scales because you'd be making yourself as vulnerable to judgment as she has made herself.
Author Copper1212 Posted September 25, 2015 Author Posted September 25, 2015 I think it probably the closest you've come to the reason why this is bothering you. It seems here that you're a tad bit worried about misaligned (or even conflicting) values. You aren't the kind of person that likes hook-ups that much, and until you learned this you thought your girlfriend was the same. You weren't really expecting that, were surprised by the revelation, and now find yourself changing the way you look at your girlfriend because of it. It doesn't necessarily matter that she didn't really enjoy these experiences. It matters that they happened, because now you look at her as the kind of person that is capable of this. I think you're fine with the fact that hook-ups happen,but would prefer that your partner not really engage in casual sex or be a part of so-called "hook-up culture". Because you didn't think your girlfriend was and she turned out to be you're having a bit of cognitive dissonance and some conflict you have to sort through. Great post. In a way, she has never had a random one night stand hook up. All of these guys, were guys who explained in detail how much they like her and in fact said " hey this isnt a hook up, i wanna pursue a relationship with you". It was never a "hey lets hook up for fun", and she has turned down lots of other offers. She has matured a lot over the past year, too. She often tells me how she thinks her friends should handle situations they are in that are similar.
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