NewLeaf512 Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 (edited) Mrs Adams shared a news article with me that made me think If you are an exWS who got another chance with BS: Did the R last? If so how long? If the R did not last, how long did you stay together? who ended it? why did they end it? and for all exWS did you ever think of your AP after the R? The Wall Street Journal says most couples who stay together after an A initially end up divorcing That was what made me think. Edited September 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
ladydesigner Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 I'm an exWS and my side of R after my betraying my H was good. I am still remorseful about my A to this day. I do not think or did not think of xAP during R (but my A had been over for years before my WH had his umpteenth A that's when I told him of my A). I am horrified at myself for both my A and my reactions to my WH's A's but I have been in therapy for help and is helping. R on his side hasn't gone well and we've now been actively R'ing for 3+ years now. The false r really took a number on me and I haven't been able to connect very well with WH since. Unfortunately I think we will become another statistic.
Mrs. John Adams Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Mrs Adams shared a news article with me that made me think If you are an exWS who got another chance with BS: Did the R last? If so how long? yes...32 years If the R did not last, how long did you stay together? who ended it? why did they end it? and for all exWS did you ever think of your AP after the R? in what way? Fondly? no Angrily? yes The Wall Street Journal says most couples who stay together after an A initially end up divorcing That was what made me think. hope this is what you are looking for 1
Author NewLeaf512 Posted September 25, 2015 Author Posted September 25, 2015 hope this is what you are looking for Mrs Adams it is. Although I don't subscribe to your methods, your marriage and how you choose to deal with it isn't for me to judge. I do admire your R although I do believe that you and Mr A are in the minority.
Mrs. John Adams Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 I agree we are in the minority. 1
Popsicle Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 The Wall Street Journal says most couples who stay together after an A initially end up divorcing I'd love to see that article. I find this hard to believe.
DKT3 Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 I'd love to see that article. I find this hard to believe. You seem to think that BS's always take the WS's back. Roughly 60% stay married after affairs, however there is a huge gap along gender lines. BW's stay far more often then BH's. Roughly 25% of the 60% divorce after 5 years, suggesting that they stay either to get the kids out of the house or other reasons. Sadly, I recall reading divorce magizane around the time I got divorced and they stated that the vast majority just simply "STAY" and have no idea how to rebuild into a good marriage. Sorry Newleaf I veered off course slightly.
Popsicle Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 You seem to think that BS's always take the WS's back. Roughly 60% stay married after affairs, however there is a huge gap along gender lines. BW's stay far more often then BH's. Yeah I don't believe that. Source? I see both genders staying most of the time, and that includes BH's. Sometimes for love, sometimes for the kids, sometimes for comfort or finances, sometimes because they're now misogynist/misanthropic and the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know, but whatever the reason, they stay.
Mrs. John Adams Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Take a poll here and see what kind of numbers you get. I am willing to bet there are more here that divorced than reconciled...but I could be wrong. It would be interesting.... 2
Popsicle Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Take a poll here and see what kind of numbers you get. I am willing to bet there are more here that divorced than reconciled...but I could be wrong. It would be interesting.... Good idea.... 1
Popsicle Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 And, DKT3, I don't know why you think men are so strong when it comes to this. They're not, imo. But I will make a poll... 1
DKT3 Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 And, DKT3, I don't know why you think men are so strong when it comes to this. They're not, imo. But I will make a poll... It takes a stronger man to stay. Honestly, divorce is easier (it was for me).
Mrs. John Adams Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 We had this discussion the other day....and I believe you can only answer for YOU. Saying it takes a stronger man to stay than to divorce is like measuring childbirth pain....mine hurt worse than yours did....how can you ever measure it? Divorce and Reconciliation are both hard....... 4
Popsicle Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 It takes a stronger man to stay. Honestly, divorce is easier (it was for me). I don't see it that way. You must like your marriage and wife and family unit in a lot of ways. Those things make it easier, and especially if your spouse shows remorse in whatever way you need them to. If you are a person who likes marriage, then it's not ideal being single.
Popsicle Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Divorce and Reconciliation are both hard....... That I can agree with to a large degree. 1
purplesorrow Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 I don't see it that way. You must like your marriage and wife and family unit in a lot of ways. Those things make it easier, and especially if your spouse shows remorse in whatever way you need them to. If you are a person who likes marriage, then it's not ideal being single. I loved being married. I still in many ways love my very remorseful ex. Divorcing was far easier for me than our attempt at reconciling. 3
Popsicle Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 I loved being married. I still in many ways love my very remorseful ex. Divorcing was far easier for me than our attempt at reconciling. And so, you divorced.... PS- I loved being married too. 1
purplesorrow Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 And so, you divorced.... PS- I loved being married too. Did you not have a chance or desire to reconcile? Was divorce easier for you.
Popsicle Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Did you not have a chance or desire to reconcile? Was divorce easier for you. I did not divorce due to infidelity, but yes, we tried to make it work. That was hard, but so was divorce. In the end, I am glad we parted ways, even though I don't regret the marriage at all. I'm sure we could have stayed together anyway, but it's better this way. I feel happier, but would like to get married again someday to the right person. I'm looking forward to the future. 1
road Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Sadly, I recall reading divorce magizane around the time I got divorced and they stated that the vast majority just simply "STAY" and have no idea how to rebuild into a good marriage. Sorry Newleaf I veered off course slightly. Sad though true.
Friskyone4u Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 If you read the book "Not Just Friends" and some other books by a Dr. Barry McCarthy, a pretty well know author on infidelity, you will get information stating that affairs by women are more likely to end the marriage because women are most often emotionally checked out of the marriage before the sex actually starts. That is born out unscientifically on these forums. You do NOT see too many men posting about they cannot give up AP once the sex stops, and breaking up what remains of their marriages by breaking NC if they are certain they will get no more sex. You even see it when women involved with MM say they keep coming back but for the sex. You then see many posts from women who break uop the marriage because they cannot emotionalluy let go of their OM or continue to cheat. Our brains are wired differently. If you accept that you will understand that it has nothing to to with strength of one sex or the other. It has to do with out needs, and men primarily enter affairs for sex. Women primarily enter affairs for their emotional needs. That does NOT mean that men have no eomotional needs or that women do not like sex. But that is what the most famous expert PHD's on the subject say over and over again
autumnnight Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 The Wall Street Journal says most couples who stay together after an A initially end up divorcing I believe that most people who "reconcile" should have just gone ahead and divorced to begin with. 2
katielee Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Did the R last? If so how long? If the R did not last, how long did you stay together? who ended it? why did they end it? and for all exWS did you ever think of your AP after the R? 1. So far so good. It's been almost 6 years. Then again, he had two RA. That really didn't help matters, so to speak. It was 3.5 years until I felt like we would make it. He is a great guy. We are good. We are connecting. But had we not had a deep friendship, 4 kids, a history together of both working our a$$es of for this family, it wouldn't have happened. We are good people who jumped off the track for a while. That said, it has been said that affairs steal peace from a marriage. So very true. I have peace, but not as I would like. 2. Doesn't apply 3. If I think of him it's with disgust and how he doesn't measure up in any way next to my husband. I thought about his wife and kids every day for a long time, and how I didn't protect them. 2
Mrs. John Adams Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 I believe that most people who "reconcile" should have just gone ahead and divorced to begin with. It is certainly hard to judge other couples from the outside looking in. You don't know the dynamics of the relationship simply by being an observer. So this statement is simply an opinion from an observer. First....in our case...you would never know there had been infidelity. We told very few people. We are extremely loving and respectful of each other and always have been. We are very physically demonstrative toward each other. We rarely have a disagreement. Even through all of the years of triggers....no one else knew. I can't speak for other couples and this statement that most should divorce may be true....but my point is....in many cases...how would you even know? 2
gettingstronger Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 I am a BS but.... 2.5 years from dday- still in reconciliation- its rough- mainly because living with someone so full of regret that they were unable to live up to their own expectations can be draining- the first year or so was about my healing- the last year has really been about him coming to terms with himself- the self loathing, the regret, the knowledge that he did not do what he set out to do has been really hard on him- Add our kids to the mix and its tough sledding- my husband had a troubled relationship with his own Dad, so now that he has strained the relationship with his own boys, its tough- they don't know details-but they saw our lives change overnight- they don't want to talk about it but there have been instances where my husband has talked with them about responsibility and or character and either by word or body language they have rejected him- I feel like those tough things are the things that eventually lead to divorce-its a lot to deal with and its not for the faint of heart- 1
Recommended Posts