Crimson Posted May 17, 2005 Posted May 17, 2005 I'm new here and would like to ask for your opinions. I 'm aware some may condemn me for being the OW but I'll deal with that. I've been with MM for over a year now. He expressed his love for me early on and eventually I followed. As soon as I said those 3 words MM told his W about us. MM said he hoped W would not divorce him becuase he'd lose too much but he also refuses to stop seeing me, I know because I now get phone calls & emails from her). MM & I go away at elast one weekend a month, we just got back from a 10 day vacation on May 7th, I saw him last weekend and now he asked to take me away again this coming out of town. I know whenever MM is gone overnight W knows he's with me but he just doesn't care. MM said W is weak and will never want to be alone so she won't leave. I guess part of me feels like MM is taking advantage of his W's dependency, or he's trying to push her away by continuing to go away with me. I brought this up last weekend and said we should stop seeing each other and MM was even more persistent that we be together and not let anyone tear us apart. I really don't want to stop seeing him but I'm not sure how to deal with him telling his W everything we do. Has anyone had the OM/OW tell their spouse details? Why would they do that if they say they don't want a divorce?
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 17, 2005 Posted May 17, 2005 Why is he waiting for his wife to leave? Why doesn't he just take her to counseling to work through the emotional issues of the divorce, help her initiate the individual counseling therapeutic process for further help, get his divorce and then move out? Have you brought up this possibility? Maybe you could offer to help set up appointments and such if he won't take the action to do so? Maybe you should step up your efforts and force him into a real choice: as soon as he shows you the signed and notarized divorce papers, he is allowed to resume contact with you. Until then, he is not to contact you in any way, shape or form without those signed and notarized documents in his hand.
kkat Posted May 17, 2005 Posted May 17, 2005 Am I understanding that: (a) he is telling you he doesn't want to get a divorce and has no intention of getting one? (b) you are in love with him? If you are in love with him, I imagine that it is beyond painful to you that he is married. Could you see yourself being with him indefinitely while he stays married to someone else? If not, how much more of your life do you want to spend on this man who is not available? Are you contemplating ending the relationship with him? If so, how can we support you in doing that? What would it take for you to end the relationship with him?
MiChick43 Posted May 20, 2005 Posted May 20, 2005 Im not trying to be mean. But your MM does not sound very nice or have an ounce of respect in him. I guess part of me feels like MM is taking advantage of his W's dependency, or he's trying to push her away by continuing to go away How would you feel if you were his wife. I can tell you already feel badly about how he is treating her. He calls her weak? how sad. Maybe she just really loves her husband. How much can he love you if he doesnt want to leave his wife to be with you? Again, not said out of meaness. I do hope you find happiness. Although......I think you have a good heart. I bet you can find a man more worthy of it.
whichwayisup Posted May 21, 2005 Posted May 21, 2005 I'm not being mean, just realistic of the situation...He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Keep you and still live with his wife. Nice, reallllllllllllllyyyyyy nice. He isn't worthy of you or his wife! Think each of you should dump him! Very selfish man!
EnigmaXOXO Posted May 21, 2005 Posted May 21, 2005 MM said W is weak and will never want to be alone so she won't leave. And you… I brought this up last weekend and said we should stop seeing each other and MM was even more persistent that we be together and not let anyone tear us apart. So how "weak" might your married man now find you??? And we should also pay more attention to the "not let" part… Your MM is a master manipulator who likes to control the people around him and mind f*ck them into catering to his own twisted ego. That's why he seeks out "weak," emotionally vulnerable women. Both you and his wife are victims of his mind games. The classic operandi for any self serving sociopath. He will try to twist your thoughts with his charm, phony concern and pseudo intelligence…he'll have you believing that 'wrong is right' and 'right is wrong'. Soon, he'll be trying to control how you act, how you think, even down to how you choose to express your feelings. Right now, he's merely being "persistent"…. but as time progresses he will try to gain more control over you. You'll soon find that if you continue to challenge his rationality and question his obvious deceptions, the facade of politeness will drop away and there's likely to be a raging temper brooding underneath. Please, for your own sake, listen to what he's saying to you. He finds complacent women "weak"…worthy of being toyed with, but not respected. Take a queue from his wife, and don't become like her. Has anyone had the OM/OW tell their spouse details? Why would they do that if they say they don't want a divorce? Because he CAN…and you two ladies have been tricked into enabling this sick behavior to continue. RUN!...don't walk to your nearest exit. This one is bad, bad news!
MySugaree Posted May 21, 2005 Posted May 21, 2005 How much is your MM communicating to the W? Is he telling her everything about what you both do, and I do mean everything? You might be smack in the middle of a sexually dysfunctional marriage. It's possible that there's some sadomasochism in that marriage, and the wife needs to know of her H's sexual experiences to feel humiliated and to get hot.Your MM must love the power of sexually lording over two women. My best guess is that your MM and his W are stuck in some weird patterns. I bet she knows more about you than you know about her. You're still on the outside looking in.
Author Crimson Posted May 23, 2005 Author Posted May 23, 2005 That was very interesting. Well, I read your post this morning but last Friday I finally decided that I had enough drama and I ended it. MM kept calling, and when I didn't answer my cell he called my house (I was mad he looked up my number). MM cried, then said he wanted to divorce W to be with me and I told him I did not want to be with him. So Fri, Sun and 6am this morning I had to deal with a crying grown man. I can't take it anymore.
MiChick43 Posted May 23, 2005 Posted May 23, 2005 Good for you for getting out of that situation. There really are a lot of good men out there. And you should have one of them
Author Crimson Posted May 24, 2005 Author Posted May 24, 2005 The latest...now MM said he wants a divorce and wants to marry me. I now feel really bad for his W, knowing he's staying with her so he's not alone. What a mess.
aires_girl4380 Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 Think the best thing is for you to step back & figure out 100% what it is YOU want. If you want to be w/ MM & he is willing to be w/ you & only YOU I say go for it. Try taking a mini vacation & just taking the time to really think it through!!!! GOOD LUCK!
Owl Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 Odds are he's just telling you this to string you along and keep the status quo of having you AND his wife. I'll bet ya a soda that he doesn't leave his wife anytime within the next three months. This is his response to your ultimatum. He's not making plans on leaving her, he's just finding a way to keep you going. If you want to test this, ask to talk to his wife. Tell him that you want to let her know how sorry you are for all of this. I can garauntee he'll say no. Did you hear that he's getting a D from his wife....or just from him? How do you know he even TOLD his wife that??? Bottom line...he's not trustworthy. He's a known cheat and liar, and he's simply manipulating the situation to get what he wants out of it. If I'm wrong, I'll eat my keyboard.
MiChick43 Posted May 24, 2005 Posted May 24, 2005 I agree with Owl. Tell him this. Tell him that when his divorce is final he should look you up. If you are still available.
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