My boyfriend is being secretive about spending time in another part of town?

[garfish99]

11 month relationship. We live 5 min apart. My BF has two jobs. One is seasonal. For the past 2 months, he has only been seeing me on weekends. Prior to that, it was 3x/wk. He says it's because of the 2nd job, but he started seeing me less before that started. Back then the excuses were more vague ("errands"). He has had the other job since I've known him and he was never THIS busy On the nights he doesn't have work, he's not feeling well or is exhausted. When I needed him for something last Wed, he set aside time to help me, which is one good sign.

 

We play a GPS based, augmented reality phone game which consists of walking around "capturing" points of interests. Players' exact locations are displayed on the app everytime they do something. So I can often see my BF's whereabouts. We're also in several group chats together with local players. We live in a huge city.

 

For the past month, once a week, I have noticed his game activity early in the morning in another neighborhood, J H., which is far from us, on the same train line, but in the total opposite direction from his job. Sometimes he takes the train to JH on purpose to set up the train line for the game. We can see his trail of activity along the train on the App. But on these mornings, it's clear that he is NOT playing along the train. He just pops up there early in the morning. Then he goes straight to work from there. The nights before his mystery JH trips, he without fail sends messages saying he's not feeling well, or exhausted. Back when I first noticed the mystery trips, he was appearing there the night before as well which makes it look like he's sleeping over. At the time, I asked about his night. "Not much." I casually mentioned seeing his activity there. He said, "Yeah, I was in Jackson H earlier.", then changed the subject. Now he doesn't play the night before his mystery trips at all. It's the only night he doesn't play. :/

 

Last night, he talked about his upset stomach. This morning, our neighborhood chat group was teasing him for playing in Jackson H. this morning without helping out along the train or in his own area. So I'm not the only one noticing.

 

I suspect he's spending the night with someone there on Wed or Thursdays Any suggestions on how to ask about his weird JH visits without putting him on the defensive?

Edited September 24, 2015 by garfish99

[d0nnivain]

How precise is the GPS tracker? Google the location. If it's a private home don't even bother with the confrontation, just get rid of him.

[garfish99]

How precise is the GPS tracker? Google the location. If it's a private home don't even bother with the confrontation, just get rid of him.

 

It's not exactly a GPS tracker, at least not like the app Glympse. It only shows people's location at the landmarks they capture. For example, the library on my block is a landmark in the game. When people "capture" it, the app says something like "Garfish99 captured JH library located at (street address)" I can also tell when people are playing along the train because I'll see: "John captured 69th street station." "John captured 79th station" "John captured 90th street station."

 

So when he plays, I can see which neighborhood he's in and sometimes the general direction he's heading. The only landmarks he captures in JH are the ones around the train station, so I can't tell where he goes beyond that. The number of landmarks are dense in that area too. If he's heading towards a house, he's at least careful not to leave a trail to it.

Edited September 24, 2015 by garfish99

[Space Ritual]

It's not exactly a GPS tracker, at least not like the app Glympse. It only shows people's location at the landmarks they capture. For example, the library on my block is a landmark in the game. When people "capture" it, the app says something like "Garfish99 captured JH library located at (street address)" I can also tell when people are playing along the train because I'll see: "John captured 69th street station." "John captured 79th station" "John captured 90th street station."

 

So when he plays, I can see which neighborhood he's in and sometimes the general direction he's heading. The only landmarks he captures in JH are the ones around the train station, so I can't tell where he goes beyond that. The number of landmarks are dense in that area too. If he's heading towards a house, he's at least careful not to leave a trail to it.

 

He is not doing that good of a job, you discovered something nefarious. If he was smart he'd take the batteries out of his phone.

 

Based on what you wrote you have a lot of cause for concern. Especially the excuses that come up every time he could be spending time with you. I'd be willing to bet the farm he has somebody else lined up in the other neighborhood.

 

Nothing good is going to come out of this. Get rid of him.

[garfish99]

But in case I'm wrong about him seeing someone, is there a good way to confront him? There could be an innocent explanation.

[smackie9]

If he is seeing you less, then you are becoming less of a priority....that's grounds for dumping right there. Stop worrying about the details, get rid of him.

[dignifiedgirl]

But in case I'm wrong about him seeing someone, is there a good way to confront him? There could be an innocent explanation.

 

Since he invariably will tell you he is exhausted or doesn't feel well, trump his exhaustion/sudden sickness by inventing your own crisis.

 

Ask for his help on one of those nights.

 

Good luck.

[Space Ritual]

Since he invariably will tell you he is exhausted or doesn't feel well, trump his exhaustion/sudden sickness by inventing your own crisis.

 

Ask for his help on one of those nights.

 

Good luck.

 

Actually that is not that bad of an idea. Although generally I am not a proponent of a ruse, in lieu of having any real concrete evidence at the very least such an exercise would allow you to gauge the sincerity of the boyfriend.

[Lois_Griffin]

Look, if he's up to no good, you can ask him all you want what he's doing on those weekly 'visits' to JH. He ain't gonna tell you the truth. It's not rocket science - he's been lying to you every week about being sick or tired and then miraculously, he shows up in another part of town the very next morning.

 

If this is happening say every Wednesday night for instance, if I were you, I'd grab a friend and drive to the train station early this coming Wednesday night and wait for him to show up. Of course, use your friend's car and not your own. Wait for him at the train station since he's obviously taking the train. Then I'd follow him once he gets off the train. You'll find out where he's spending his Wednesday evenings.

[PegNosePete]

is there a good way to confront him? There could be an innocent explanation.

"Why were you in JH on Day X?"

After he gives a (probably bogus) excuse....

"Why were you in JH on Day Y?"

etc.

 

The trouble with lying is that it's very hard to keep it up, and it's hard to remember what lies you've told. Especially if you work backwards, ie. ask him about the most recent one first, then the next most recent, going back to the first. It's VERY hard to make up a story backwards. If he's making bogus excuses then unless he's had it all planned out in advance, he'll soon run out of excuses, and start floundering, at which point he will say something dumb or contradictory. Then you have your proof.

Edited September 25, 2015 by PegNosePete

[garfish99]

Unfortunately the JH train station is a major hub and congested with people and the time he gets there varies. But I tried the confrontation advice. I'm mentally preparing myself to break up, but first I'm going to see what he does after our talk.

This morning I texted about meeting tonight (Fri) Him:"I have decided that am crazy about you" "Oh? " Yup, you're too irresistible for words Anyway, I gotta hang with my sister, it's her bday today so not sure what the agenda is for the weekend, my bro is kind of in charge."

 

So we had a phone chat. He said: "I am sorry you felt that way, it wasn't the case that I didn't want to spend time with you, you're wonderful to be with. I know I haven't made much time for you lately. I honestly have not had much energy or time for anything out side of work. I haven't even had time to see my good friend before he moves. It's not that I don't want to see you, I just have a lot on my plate right now.It's just how I am, I have been taking on lots of different jobs and projects." He reminded me that back when he was busy in the past, I could just come over when he was too exhausted to move. But since his brother's been crashing on his couch and keeping his clothes in his bedroom(It's true.) it's difficult and way uncomfortable when the brother is around.

And I know the change DID start when his brother started crashing there 2 months ago. And during busy months in the past, he WAS like a zombie. We saw each other only because I stayed over there. It's also 95x easier for me to go there than vice versa. So it's maaaybe plausible?

 

At some point I casually said, "You never mentioned what you were doing in J. H. wed." He said," Wed in J. H. ? I sometimes take the train from J. H. . Is that what you mean?" And I let it drop for now.

 

And he JUST took the train to J. H. It looks like he got off a stop. early because his activity stopped there. But, one of his favorite bar restaurants is there and it's a popular spot for birthday gatherings. I'm going to casually ask in person at some point what he and his family wound up doing. And also see if he makes ANY attempt to see me this weekend. .

Thanks guys, with me luck! And if any of what he said sounds like bull crap to you, feel free to say it.

[Space Ritual]

Unfortunately the JH train station is a major hub and congested with people and the time he gets there varies. But I tried the confrontation advice. I'm mentally preparing myself to break up, but first I'm going to see what he does after our talk.

This morning I texted about meeting tonight (Fri) Him:"I have decided that am crazy about you" "Oh? " Yup, you're too irresistible for words Anyway, I gotta hang with my sister, it's her bday today so not sure what the agenda is for the weekend, my bro is kind of in charge."

 

So we had a phone chat. He said: "I am sorry you felt that way, it wasn't the case that I didn't want to spend time with you, you're wonderful to be with. I know I haven't made much time for you lately. I honestly have not had much energy or time for anything out side of work. I haven't even had time to see my good friend before he moves. It's not that I don't want to see you, I just have a lot on my plate right now.It's just how I am, I have been taking on lots of different jobs and projects." He reminded me that back when he was busy in the past, I could just come over when he was too exhausted to move. But since his brother's been crashing on his couch and keeping his clothes in his bedroom(It's true.) it's difficult and way uncomfortable when the brother is around.

And I know the change DID start when his brother started crashing there 2 months ago. And during busy months in the past, he WAS like a zombie. We saw each other only because I stayed over there. It's also 95x easier for me to go there than vice versa. So it's maaaybe plausible?

 

At some point I casually said, "You never mentioned what you were doing in J. H. wed." He said," Wed in J. H. ? I sometimes take the train from J. H. . Is that what you mean?" And I let it drop for now.

 

And he JUST took the train to J. H. It looks like he got off a stop. early because his activity stopped there. But, one of his favorite bar restaurants is there and it's a popular spot for birthday gatherings. I'm going to casually ask in person at some point what he and his family wound up doing. And also see if he makes ANY attempt to see me this weekend. .

Thanks guys, with me luck! And if any of what he said sounds like bull crap to you, feel free to say it.

 

 

More questions than answers......I read this like 10 times because it stuck out like a Red Dildo. lol

 

I have decided that am crazy about you" "Oh? " Yup, you're too irresistible for words Anyway, I gotta hang with my sister, it's her bday today so not sure what the agenda is for the weekend, my bro is kind of in charge."

 

 

Call me a cynic, but if I was crazy about some woman I would want to take her with me wherever and whenever I could. Something about this just does not jibe, young lady. If you were my GF and I was head over heels about you, I'd certainly want you to be there with me for my sibling's birthday party, as the relationship is an audition for a lifetime together.

 

IDK, maybe this guy compartmentalizes a lot, but people that are good at compartmentalizing also are good at keeping a poker face because they can easily mentally disassociate themselves from a situation they have direct involvement in.

 

I would begin to detach from this if I were you, but it's just my opinion.

[Grumpybutfun]

If you can't talk and he is illusive...dump him. Time is precious.

G

[garfish99]

In his culture, women don't meet the family until they plan to marry. I only know because several coworker friends who happen to be from his country told me when I was talking about that same concern. They didn't introduce their now husbands for 1-2 years! So who knows. I met his closest friends though, one that he's known since childhood

 

Anyway, last night he invited me for long run tonight and sleepover. On the phone I asked how the party went and he said, "Good, not really party, just small birthday get together." and left it at that. In person I'll get more information in a conversational way.

Edited September 26, 2015 by garfish99

[SoleMate]

In his culture, women don't meet the family until they plan to marry.

Hm, never heard of that culture. Is it possible "that culture" also has a tradition of men having multiple girlfriends at one time?

 

To me, it's just beyond obvious that he's giving you a false cover story of exhaustion and then spending the night somewhere he doesn't want you to know about. THAT is undeniable. As to what he's doing there, of course I don't know, but the overwhelmingly likely story is seeing (one of) his other gf(s) for sex.

[dignifiedgirl]

In his culture, women don't meet the family until they plan to marry. I only know because several coworker friends who happen to be from his country told me when I was talking about that same concern. They didn't introduce their now husbands for 1-2 years! So who knows. I met his closest friends though, one that he's known since childhood

 

Anyway, last night he invited me for long run tonight and sleepover. On the phone I asked how the party went and he said, "Good, not really party, just small birthday get together." and left it at that. In person I'll get more information in a conversational way.

 

What country/culture is this exactly?

Um, if he's from that conservative of a culture then one would think he is playing the field and is dating you for fun.

And that you will remain a total outsider.

Does that make you happy ?

It sounds like you want to be serious with this guy.

[Space Ritual]

What country/culture is this exactly?

Um, if he's from that conservative of a culture then one would think he is playing the field and is dating you for fun.

And that you will remain a total outsider.

Does that make you happy ?

It sounds like you want to be serious with this guy.

 

You bring up a good point.

 

I'm going to hell for my next sentence but at this point I'm too old to give a damn.

 

 

For some reason when you asked that question my mind instantly jumped to an Acid In The Face type of Family.

 

Which actually makes me think, dignifiedgirl, you know the next time your guy tries to throw that stripper in your face, maybe you might want to consider accidentally spilling some Sulphuric Acid on his crotch. That would be quite a story he could tell at the Gentleman's club ...lol. He probably wouldn't be getting to many lapdances anymore...lol

[dignifiedgirl]

You bring up a good point.

 

I'm going to hell for my next sentence but at this point I'm too old to give a damn.

 

 

For some reason when you asked that question my mind instantly jumped to an Acid In The Face type of Family.

 

Which actually makes me think, dignifiedgirl, you know the next time your guy tries to throw that stripper in your face, maybe you might want to consider accidentally spilling some Sulphuric Acid on his crotch. That would be quite a story he could tell at the Gentleman's club ...lol. He probably wouldn't be getting to many lapdances anymore...lol

 

 

Luckily, I only have feelings of ill will towards people who hurt animals and /or children. My xF is just a sad little garbage person.

 

Back to OP, the Acid in The Face kinda Family was exactly what I was alluding to.

 

I am concerned that his family is a great cover for any bad deeds he does.

Since one can't even meet them unless marriage is on the table !

But then again, you have met his brother, so why not his sister ?

 

I have a feeling this guy is a fast talking charmer.

 

Be smart and safe.

[Lovelypearl]

I think he is seeing someone. If it were a guy he was going to visit, he would have told you with ease. But since he is acting sneaky, i think it's a girl. He doesn't take you seriously. You are worth more than that. I think you should end it sweetie. I know it's hard but you deserve more than that.