regine_phalange Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 Maybe she has a masculine soul and she's better matched with a non-traditional man. Or maybe she has a history behind her that gave her this attitude. She doesn't want to change for now, and I don't think she has to, she doesn't seem to harm anybody with her idiosyncrasies. Maybe she's hardcore independent until she fully trusts someone and then she becomes vulnerable. You are her boyfriend and you know her story better than we do.
xxoo Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 Stop seeing her as a label or putting feminist fears you have on her.... Great advice, for everyone, regardless of the label. So often, the boxes we put people into reflect more about us than about them. This was a peek into her "at her worst". Anyone would be at their worst with the pain of a broken body part. I didn't read anything abusive, just behavior that isn't cooperative and ideal. Ok, think of yourself at your worst. Cooperative and ideal behavior? I highly doubt it! You don't have to handle her or fix her. You are still getting to know her. So you learn something about her, and something about yourself! Her stubborn behavior triggers xx feelings in you. That doesn't mean she has to stop being stubborn, but maybe you can deal with xx feelings better. Look, this isn't "dealing with women" stuff. This is "being a partner" stuff. I'm a woman, married 20 some years to a stubborn man. I've certainly seen him at his worst (never abusive) and he's seen me at mine (again, never abusive). We've grown together, learned to communicate and accept each other. Learned the big lesson that "it's not about me when my partner is having a hard day". Learned to respect each other's space when needed. Learned not to engage in Power Struggles that sink relationships. Your relationship is new. If it stands the test of time, you'll get there. But you won't get there if you put her behavior in boxes like "feminist" instead of seeing her as an individual and trying to understand her unique experience of the world. 11
jen1447 Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 I hope not! There's a distinction between general submissiveness and sub-dom/me play in BDSM. In BDSM, the sub is very much in control in a practical sense bc they have to set limits and boundaries to avoid potential injuries. The dom/me, no matter how assertive, isn't at liberty to beat them half to death (in most cases anyway) bc the fetish is being done most often to satisfy the sub's kink specifically. In the general sense where one partner 'runs the show' in a more holistic way, the dominant one (not a dom/me so much in that case) is indeed dominant, so the passive one isn't writing the rules of the bedroom in general. There are always exceptions but these are the basics. I'm dominant in the second way (with some sexual kink thrown in at times where I become 'domme'), so I know firsthand how it goes. I think there are some true BDSM ppl on here who could probably elaborate more on that side of things.Which is the second way? The second thing.
paigej91 Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 (edited) Deleted (need 10 characters) Edited September 27, 2015 by paigej91
Frank2thepoint Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 May I be direct? Can I give you some real advice on how to be a team if you want to be a team? Stop seeing her as a label or putting feminist fears you have on her.... I know a lot about life. I know a lot about nuclear fusion. I know a lot about horses, fitness, mechanics, and fishing and hunting...but after 21 years of marriage I am in awe of the mind of a woman. You won't control a woman with a mind you respect and you won't find answers to handle her. I find that so naive I smiled when I read it. Not to be condescending because I'm on your side...the blessing of having a good relationship, that is why I post here. I have a good marriage and this place is lacking that so I try to impart what I know...which, when it comes to women, I admit it isn't much. They are the enigma...the beautiful or the broken and sometimes blended. It is ok if she came from less than stellar beginnings but you better know how to deal with figuring it out and you have to know how to be kind even when she is reacting in her triggered position. Trust me....I know...I am happily married but we both came from odd situations. My point is that she is a human being, a girl really, and she is fallible and so are you...you seem to want to fight for something so I will just say this...ask and if she needs to recoil, ask yourself why and fix it with compassion and kindness. I see this situation better...and I can honestly say this....we fight for what is important to us. I was a beast at getting laid....I didn't find that a challenge but I am proud of becoming kind for my girl because she needed me to be that way. She was broken, and I gave her the love to help her while she was working her butt off to become whole. We saved each other. Honestly....sometimes life is about being the rock someone needs to build on, Grumps Why does this read like some Nicholas Sparks novel? Anyway, I'm not sure that fitnessfan's girlfriend would consider this advice if it was given to her as well. And I'm talking about equality here. Both members should understand the other is fallible. 1
xxoo Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Why does this read like some Nicholas Sparks novel? Anyway, I'm not sure that fitnessfan's girlfriend would consider this advice if it was given to her as well. And I'm talking about equality here. Both members should understand the other is fallible. I'm a woman, and I would've appreciated that advice early in our relationship. I learned on my own, over time, to accept my partner and approach with kindness and compassion rather than defensiveness or power struggle. Solid advice for men and women!
RedRobin Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Put yourself in her shoes, OP. If you had a broken ankle, what would you do? No gender labels here.... just genuinely curious. It has taken me a long time to accept help from anyone. Not a gender problem. Definitely not anything to do with 'feminism'. It was all about how I was raised. Male or female. We sucked it up. Carried our own load. Did our part. It is something I'm pretty proud of... for the most part. Over time, I realized that I was insulting a lot of good people who genuinely cared about me... and here I was... just trying not to be a burden. Not wanting them to resent me later on for being a slacker or weak. You might be surprised, but it's not just men who feel that pressure. Take this as an opportunity to feel empathy. Is my suggestion. 2
bene Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I don't think this has much to do with "feminism" but she is rather a very controlling person. Personally I would find it exhausting if mundane everyday things would turn into some battleground about control and power. It would also be very exhausting to be alert that anything you say or do is interpreted as some kind of offense. I would like to feel at ease in a relationship and I would want my partner to assume that I do not have sinister ulterior motives when offering help. If you hadn't offered her help when she hurt the ankle, maybe she would have turned it against you? 1
xxoo Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I don't think this has much to do with "feminism" but she is rather a very controlling person. Personally I would find it exhausting if mundane everyday things would turn into some battleground about control and power. It would also be very exhausting to be alert that anything you say or do is interpreted as some kind of offense. I would like to feel at ease in a relationship and I would want my partner to assume that I do not have sinister ulterior motives when offering help. If you hadn't offered her help when she hurt the ankle, maybe she would have turned it against you? In what way was she controlling? Consider who forced who to do something against their will. Who in this situation physically overpowered a verbal "no". Yes, power struggles are exhausting. The good news is that it takes TWO to have a power struggle. One person can opt out, simply by not trying to control the other person. Every individual has the right to say "no" in matters of their own body (when to get up after an injury and how, carrying one's own bags, etc). 1
bene Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 In what way was she controlling? Consider who forced who to do something against their will. Who in this situation physically overpowered a verbal "no". Well, I find it controlling that she won't let her guard down for a moment and accept help from her boyfriend in an actual emergency. 1
katiegrl Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Well, I find it controlling that she won't let her guard down for a moment and accept help from her boyfriend in an actual emergency. I think her behavior was *obstinate* more than anything ....and as far as fitnessfan being controlling in this situation, I DON''T agree! He was being a loving, caring boyfriend, what should he have done, leave her on the ground, in pain, crying? Can you imagine the looks he would have gotten had he done that? Not to mention the responses here? I mean, who in their right mind would just leave his girlfriend on the ground, in pain and crying after falling and possibly breaking her ankle? Come on!!! 2
xxoo Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 I think her behavior was *obstinate* more than anything ....and as far as fitnessfan being controlling in this situation, I DON''T agree! He was being a loving, caring boyfriend, what should he have done, leave her on the ground, in pain, crying? Can you imagine the looks he would have gotten had he done that? Not to mention the responses here? I mean, who in their right mind would just leave his girlfriend on the ground, in pain and crying after falling and possibly breaking her ankle? Come on!!! Her behavior was stubborn, yes, but not controlling. It's actually disturbing to me that refusing to comply could be labeled as controlling. I didn't say that fitnessfan was necessarily being controlling, but it is inarguable that he was trying to enforce his will onto her, and not the opposite. The healthy middle ground being glossed over looks like: boyfriend shows concern and offers to help her up. When that offer is refused, boyfriend continues to show concern and stays with injured girlfriend, ready to assist when she is ready for some help. THat describes most of these situations between my spouse and me, or between my kids and me when someone gets hurt. Yes, my husband and kids are stubborn. I still manage to respect them. 5
Gaeta Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Her behavior was stubborn, yes, but not controlling. It's actually disturbing to me that refusing to comply could be labeled as controlling. I didn't say that fitnessfan was necessarily being controlling, but it is inarguable that he was trying to enforce his will onto her, and not the opposite. The healthy middle ground being glossed over looks like: boyfriend shows concern and offers to help her up. When that offer is refused, boyfriend continues to show concern and stays with injured girlfriend, ready to assist when she is ready for some help. THat describes most of these situations between my spouse and me, or between my kids and me when someone gets hurt. In middle of emergency people don't stop and think 'am I being controlling, am I giving her the space she needs'. She was hurt, she was crying, she was unable to get up on her own after several attempts. He did what ANY person would have done under those circumstances. If you hurt yourself under my watch, I will decide what's the best course of action because I am not the one in pain so my judgement isn't impaired by pain. My boss had a stroke at the office, he was ordering me to not call the ambulance. YA RIGHT. 1
katiegrl Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 In middle of emergency people don't stop and think 'am I being controlling, am I giving her the space she needs'. She was hurt, she was crying, she was unable to get up on her own after several attempts. He did what ANY person would have done under those circumstances. If you hurt yourself under my watch, I will decide what's the best course of action because I am not the one in pain so my judgement isn't impaired by pain. My boss had a stroke at the office, he was ordering me to not call the ambulance. YA RIGHT. Yes!! And the boss having a stroke was a great analogy! Last year, my dad fell on his head. He was with his wife (my stepmom) at the time. He told her NO NO NO I do NOT need to go to the hospital!! I am a U.S. Marine, I will be fine! So they waited two hours to go, until he started vomiting and becoming delusional.. They waited too long and he died three days later from bleeding in the brain.... I realize ff's situation was no where near as serious as my dad's, but used it to illustrate a point. When a loved one is hurt, or anyone really, and you have an opportunity to help them, you help them!! No matter how obstinate or stubborn they're acting!
RoseVille Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Her behavior was stubborn, yes, but not controlling. It's actually disturbing to me that refusing to comply could be labeled as controlling. I feel the same way. 3
xxoo Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 In middle of emergency people don't stop and think 'am I being controlling, am I giving her the space she needs'. She was hurt, she was crying, she was unable to get up on her own after several attempts. He did what ANY person would have done under those circumstances. If you hurt yourself under my watch, I will decide what's the best course of action because I am not the one in pain so my judgement isn't impaired by pain. My boss had a stroke at the office, he was ordering me to not call the ambulance. YA RIGHT. A life threatening situation is completely different, of course. It's apples and oranges with a broken ankle. I do manage to step back and give my loved ones space so that they can figure out what help would be best for them. I would not do what he did, because I've learned a more effective way.
Hopeful30 Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Ugh. Don't you just hate that type of person? I'm a woman and I can't stand people like your girlfriend. It's true what they say: you learn the most about a person when you travel with them. Well buddy, now you know the whole story. What you do next is up to you.
Woggle Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 If you can't have a drama free vacation with a woman then drop her. 1
Gaeta Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Yes!! And the boss having a stroke was a great analogy! Last year, my dad fell on his head. He was with his wife (my stepmom) at the time. He told her NO NO NO I do NOT need to go to the hospital!! I am a U.S. Marine, I will be fine! So they waited two hours to go, until he started vomiting and becoming delusional.. They waited too long and he died three days later from bleeding in the brain.... I realize ff's situation was no where near as serious as my dad's, but used it to illustrate a point. When a loved one is hurt, or anyone really, and you have an opportunity to help them, you help them!! No matter how obstinate or stubborn they're acting! Holy sh$it Katie!! So so sorry!! 1
katiegrl Posted September 27, 2015 Posted September 27, 2015 Holy sh$it Katie!! So so sorry!! Thank you sweetie. yeah tough time for sure. Still is but getting better... :) 1
Grumpybutfun Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Why does this read like some Nicholas Sparks novel? Anyway, I'm not sure that fitnessfan's girlfriend would consider this advice if it was given to her as well. And I'm talking about equality here. Both members should understand the other is fallible. I don't know who that is but.....stop projecting your fears of inequality onto others here....Yeah, next time, I will act like an illiterate grunting jackwad...... Grunting and hating women and jumping around as a Neanderthal because that is more accepted by men who have been hurt here, NOT, G
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