Suspicious, Irrational Control Freak - At the End of my Rope

September 24, 2015

I've been in a relationship with a suspicious-minded, untrusting control freak for the past seven years. Looking back, I don't know how I held on so long. Some of the times in between have been OK, and we had settled in a comfortable home routine. But the problem is that she is incapable of change and growth. It is always a pattern; repeating the same accusations and insecurities after I believed we had resolved the issues. There was never anything to resolve, really. I think the conflict is that she’s controlling, and I won’t be controlled. I don’t need to be. I have a lot of friends, family and interests. I have a good job. I donate blood platelets once a month, participate in fundraisers for Cancer and Diabetes through active cycling. I am also a marathon runner and go through a 4-month training program every year. She doesn’t share my interests and doesn’t do anything other than shop and occasionally see friends. I am a professional engineer and don't punch a time clock, so my hours are irregular, and I don't have a set schedule when I go to the gym, but each time she questions the change with an accusatory tone. I’ve never cheated and wouldn’t even know how since she’s always texting me demanding to know who I’m with, what did I eat, when did I eat it, who did I eat it with, etc, etc.

One particular example of her irrational thought-process: She recently found a cheap earring on the carpet, I honestly don’t know, it could have been her 20-yr old daughter’s, who denied it was hers. I told her I don’t know, and I feel that should have been enough. But, no, she had to go on an hours-long dramatic spree and involve her own kids in it. This was completely uncalled for and showed a total lack of class and maturity.

This was just one of many similar incidents over the years. There’s no hope for a future. Now her daughter has moved into our small apartment with her 10-month old baby (the father couldn’t provide a stable home for them and she dropped out of a promising college education), forcing her 21-yr old brother out of his room and has to sleep on the couch in the living room. It’s become an unlivable situation and I’ve come to the end of my rope. I cannot think of any real solution other than moving out for good. That's where the guilt-inducing comes in; am I abandoning her grown kids, too, and the daughter's baby? is it on me to provide them with a home, no matter what?

September 24, 2015

Seven Years?

Time for a 2x4 here. I'm doing so in an attempt to let the scales fall from your eyes.

For all the accomplishments you list, they are sadly overshadowed by the fact you have allowed this to happen for seven years. It's one thing to be in a relationship for a short duration where this much drama comes up, but to have drudged along for the better part of a decades flies in the face of common sense.

You can be as book smart as you want, but you don't have an ounce of street smarts. And that is why you find yourself in such a predicament. I would not be so hard on you had you not written that you were facing a conundrum of "abandoning her grown kids and the daughter's baby". You don't owe them jack squat.

Man these twerps are calling the shots. Get your sack back. The best way of doing this in the short term is by extricating yourself from thsi situation as soon as possible.

Good Luck, and get away from these squatters as fast as you can

September 24, 2015

If you are in USA or Canada, the single Mom will have options for her and her baby.

Churches, welfare, etc.

You're a good White Knight, but you have paid your dues and deserve a lovely and sane Princess now, instead of a demanding, irrational Red Queen.

It doesn't appear they are contributing any $$$.

I am paying my share still, even though I am broken up with my cheating ex Fiance.

Don't be used further.

Good luck.

September 25, 2015

Now her daughter has moved into our small apartment with her 10-month old baby (the father couldn’t provide a stable home for them and she dropped out of a promising college education), forcing her 21-yr old brother out of his room and has to sleep on the couch in the living room. It’s become an unlivable situation and I’ve come to the end of my rope. I cannot think of any real solution other than moving out for good. That's where the guilt-inducing comes in; am I abandoning her grown kids, too, and the daughter's baby? is it on me to provide them with a home, no matter what?

THIS is reason enough to get the hell outta Dodge.

Of course it isn't your responsibility to support some irresponsible 21 year old who doesn't know how to use birth control and has to run home to mommy because she can't support herself. She's obviously not intelligent enough to understand that education is more important than getting pregnant by some dumbass kid who doesn't have two nickels to rub together, so I don't see how that's YOUR problem. Besides, she'll be on the government dole in no time at all and we'll ALL be supporting her.

I'd be out of there so fast they'd have to FedEx my shadow to me the next day.

September 25, 2015

Thank you all for your valuable perspective. It isn’t always easy to think clearly and rationally when you’re stuck in this kind of situation. To make matters worse, my girlfriend last night accused me of being “selfish”. I will admit that for the last month I’ve kind of withdrew from being open and communicative as much as I used to be, but this is how I react to being in an unhappy situation. She even knows the exact day (Aug 22) I started acting this way, which is kind of creepy, and confirms that she somehow stores and catalogs all this information about me for future use against me.

In any case, I did not need to remind her that for the past 7 years I provided a home for her and her two kids, when she was unable to provide for them herself. We had a nice house and I paid the majority of the rent and bills. I bought an extra car so her son could drive my old one, and I even bought a used car for her daughter when she started college. So, I’m having trouble determining where my selfishness factors in. The mother and daughter are both narcissistic personalities and have an unrealistic sense of entitlement, so maybe all I’ve done for them was considered a “given”.

September 25, 2015

She even knows the exact day (Aug 22) I started acting this way, which is kind of creepy, and confirms that she somehow stores and catalogs all this information about me for future use against me.

And right there, is all you need to know.

Please please please get out of this mess and kick this whole bunch of Costanzas to the curb. George, Frank, and Estelle need to be gone....lol

September 25, 2015

This is why I never date women with children.

September 25, 2015

I've been in a relationship with a suspicious-minded, untrusting control freak for the past seven years. Looking back, I don't know how I held on so long. Some of the times in between have been OK, and we had settled in a comfortable home routine. But the problem is that she is incapable of change and growth. It is always a pattern; repeating the same accusations and insecurities after I believed we had resolved the issues. There was never anything to resolve, really. I think the conflict is that she’s controlling, and I won’t be controlled. I don’t need to be. I have a lot of friends, family and interests. I have a good job. I donate blood platelets once a month, participate in fundraisers for Cancer and Diabetes through active cycling. I am also a marathon runner and go through a 4-month training program every year. She doesn’t share my interests and doesn’t do anything other than shop and occasionally see friends. I am a professional engineer and don't punch a time clock, so my hours are irregular, and I don't have a set schedule when I go to the gym, but each time she questions the change with an accusatory tone. I’ve never cheated and wouldn’t even know how since she’s always texting me demanding to know who I’m with, what did I eat, when did I eat it, who did I eat it with, etc, etc.

One particular example of her irrational thought-process: She recently found a cheap earring on the carpet, I honestly don’t know, it could have been her 20-yr old daughter’s, who denied it was hers. I told her I don’t know, and I feel that should have been enough. But, no, she had to go on an hours-long dramatic spree and involve her own kids in it. This was completely uncalled for and showed a total lack of class and maturity.

This was just one of many similar incidents over the years. There’s no hope for a future. Now her daughter has moved into our small apartment with her 10-month old baby (the father couldn’t provide a stable home for them and she dropped out of a promising college education), forcing her 21-yr old brother out of his room and has to sleep on the couch in the living room. It’s become an unlivable situation and I’ve come to the end of my rope. I cannot think of any real solution other than moving out for good. That's where the guilt-inducing comes in; am I abandoning her grown kids, too, and the daughter's baby? is it on me to provide them with a home, no matter what?

am I abandoning her grown kids, too, and the daughter's baby? is it on me to provide them with a home, no matter what? -- It isn't even her responsibility to provide her grown children with a home. And, it is her daughter's responsibility to provide for and take care of her own baby.

You two were not married. There is no "obligation" here and no need for guilt. Just because she is enabling her grown children, doesn't mean you have to also.

Move on with your life and find the happiness you deserve.

September 25, 2015

Regarding her grown kids, herein lies the difficulty; she comes from a culture where three generations typically live under one roof, often in what I consider cramped conditions (e.g. three men in their 20's sharing one bedroom). Within her large extended family, all her brothers' and sisters' kids still live at home and are well into their 20's. They have low-paying jobs, but I don't think they'll ever leave home.

So, I keep my mouth shut on this issue and try not to judge, or impose my cultural views on them. But the difficulty is trying to encourage her kids in becoming more independent and learning the skills necessary to live independently. She would flip out, accusing me of hating her kids and wanting to kick them out of the house.

I think the only reason she hasn't left me yet is because she depends on me too much, financially. She couldn't get her own place because her credit report is atrocious; so many serious delinquencies, unpaid credit card and medical bills, even the last month's rent on a place she lived a long time ago. Given that, I would think she'd be smarter not to create such an intolerable living situation. A guy can only take so much.

September 25, 2015

Regarding her grown kids, herein lies the difficulty; she comes from a culture where three generations typically live under one roof, often in what I consider cramped conditions (e.g. three men in their 20's sharing one bedroom). Within her large extended family, all her brothers' and sisters' kids still live at home and are well into their 20's. They have low-paying jobs, but I don't think they'll ever leave home.

So, I keep my mouth shut on this issue and try not to judge, or impose my cultural views on them. But the difficulty is trying to encourage her kids in becoming more independent and learning the skills necessary to live independently. She would flip out, accusing me of hating her kids and wanting to kick them out of the house.

I think the only reason she hasn't left me yet is because she depends on me too much, financially. She couldn't get her own place because her credit report is atrocious; so many serious delinquencies, unpaid credit card and medical bills, even the last month's rent on a place she lived a long time ago. Given that, I would think she'd be smarter not to create such an intolerable living situation. A guy can only take so much.

All the more reason to leave. Jesus dude, quit making excuses for staying. You seem like you are way too much of a nice guy and you are getting steamrolled like a Blitzkrieg into Poland.

You have to stop attempting the Knight in Shining Corduroy routine.

Please do yourself a huge favor and google "No More Mr. Nice Guy". it comes free in pdf format. It would do you a lot of good to help you detach from this insanity and help you emerge from it a better person.

There is no way this situation gets any resolution without you pulling the trigger here, pal. If you don't, you will continue to get walked on for the foreseeable future. I am not trying to insult you, I'm trying to give you a snapshot of what your life will continue to be like if you do not act.

September 25, 2015

Regarding her grown kids, herein lies the difficulty; she comes from a culture where three generations typically live under one roof, often in what I consider cramped conditions (e.g. three men in their 20's sharing one bedroom). Within her large extended family, all her brothers' and sisters' kids still live at home and are well into their 20's. They have low-paying jobs, but I don't think they'll ever leave home.

So, I keep my mouth shut on this issue and try not to judge, or impose my cultural views on them. But the difficulty is trying to encourage her kids in becoming more independent and learning the skills necessary to live independently. She would flip out, accusing me of hating her kids and wanting to kick them out of the house.

I think the only reason she hasn't left me yet is because she depends on me too much, financially. She couldn't get her own place because her credit report is atrocious; so many serious delinquencies, unpaid credit card and medical bills, even the last month's rent on a place she lived a long time ago. Given that, I would think she'd be smarter not to create such an intolerable living situation. A guy can only take so much.

I can completely understand trying to be respectful of different cultures but it seems like your attempt to show respect has left you paralyzed here. You let her move her children in and now you allow her accusations that you hate her children to prevent you from trying to teach them independence. First, her behavior is manipulative and potentially even emotionally abusive. Second, her children are adults. It's not your responsibility to provide for them- you aren't married to her- and regardless of cultural constraints it's not her responsibility to provide for them either. Third, does what you want matter in the slightest? From what you've said about her children, it seems like she's making demand after demand after demand. Where's the compromise? This isn't healthy, and it isn't fair to you to ask you to make all these accommodations while she does little to no accommodating on her end. You need to put your foot down. And you need to do it yesterday. Or you need to leave. Like a month ago.

And if all you are doing is serving as her financial windfall, that makes even less sense. Presumably, she'd want to keep you in good spirits so that you were more inclined to pay more for her family, more willing to let her spend money etc. But she hasn't. She's mistreated you, disregarded your opinions, manipulated you, and made you unhappy. Seriously, why are you still there? You say that she wants to leave you, so wouldn't that by-proxy mean that she takes her children from you as well? No guilt necessary. And you are completely correct in your last sentence, and I think you've taken more than enough here. There's no point in staying in a relationship this toxic and one-sided due to guilt for adult children that should be able to take care of themselves. Time to move on here bro.

-Reph

September 25, 2015

Thanks, Space Ritual. I found that "No More Mr. Nice Guy" PDF and learned a little something about myself. I've gone over in my head hundreds and hundreds of times about how I would explain why I want to move out and leave this relationship, but it does no good. Everything will either be denied, blame-shifted, or outright met with hostility. All the little details mean nothing. She is master at "keeping score" of all the things I did wrong over the past 7 years, but I don't save all that **** up like she does. Best to keep it as civil as possible, i.e. use fewer words

September 26, 2015

Sorry to be harsh but what?

You're a grown man, these are adults not children. They can work and contribute and you could all live in a bigger place and still have all that angst..but in a bigger place.

You choose to put up with the nonsense, you have no kids so essentially looking after another man's children..now read grandchildren and they're at an age they don't even require support.

Why can't your gf get a job and pay off her credit so she can build a better credit rating?

Do you want to spend the rest of your life in this position? A gf is supposed to be a partner, someone to share responsibilities with. What about love and initimacy? Do you have this?

Sit everyone down and tell them things need to change or you're out. A guilt trip don't pay the bills so why you would pay it any credence I don't know.

Time to be a man and determine what life you truly want to lead. Sorry for the 2x4

September 28, 2015

My girlfriend does have a job but it's low-paying. Still, she earns enough but doesn't seem to care about her credit rating as long as she has me to pay for the rent and the bills.

A gf is supposed to be a partner, someone to share responsibilities with. What about love and initimacy? Do you have this?

Unfortunately not. She's a terrible partner, financially and otherwise. What kills me is that now her grown kids are living in my house, and there's no chance they'll ever learn independence, they've become her "spies". When she's not there she apparently asks them what I'm doing, what time I left the house, did I say anything, etc, etc. I can't possible imagine what use she may have for this information, but somehow she uses it against me. It's suspicious if I leave at different times, for example. I may have an early morning meeting, or go to the gym first, etc, but that doesn't matter. I'm up to "no good". I can't stand it anymore. I'm an outsider in my own freakin' house!

September 28, 2015

Be more specific about your home- Owned or rented? Who owns it or is on the lease? Can you move your stuff out and get another place to live? Think in terms of your own finances and which option will cost you the least.

You’ve got to get tougher about her accusations and guilting you. These people are mooching off of you and they’re going to beg or threaten when you tell them to go or you say you’re not supporting them any more.

September 28, 2015

BlueIris , my home is currently a rented 2-bedroom apartment. It may be worthwhile to note that for the past 5 years, until last year, we lived in a nice three-bedroom house, also rented, but for some reason felt that we needed to move to get a fresh start.

Some background may help shed light on this situation: my girlfriend's 20-yr old daughter went away to college to get a valuable education, but got pregnant instead. She finished out the year and moved back home. Her boyfriend, the baby's father, moved in with us and basically leeched off us. He is 23 and lives with his mother, no college education, worked at Panda Express where he met the daughter.

When the baby was born, we moved to another 3-bedroom rented house, but it was single story, farther away from work, and much worse than the house we left. To this day I question why we ever moved, because that made no sense, other than that "fresh start" we thought we needed. The boyfriend moved back home with his mother soon afterwards, basically leaving his newborn daughter behind. This was in December. He did not come down and spend her first Christmas with his own baby daughter because he "had no money for gas". This phrase goes in the book "Things Losers Say".

Then, my girlfriend's daughter and baby daughter moved into the boyfriend's house with his mother a few months later, with the intent of her going back to college. My girlfriend’s 21-yr old son rarely if ever came home, instead crashing at his cousin’s house as he’s been doing the past 2 years.

So, it made no sense to continue living in a big house that nobody wanted to live in. We moved soon after that into our current 2-bedroom apartment. The son started coming home more often. Then, the girlfriend inexplicably decided to drop out of college, after already starting classes, and move back into our apartment with her baby. She stated the instability of her living situation with the boyfriend and his mother, but knowing her and her impulsive, irresponsible behavior, there’s probably more to that story. Now the son sleeps on the living room couch. But despite all these changes, I already made it clear to everyone that we’re not moving again.

Basically, then, BlueIris, I can easily move out on my own. Between my girlfriend and her 2 grown kids who both have jobs, they can take over the lease and swing the rent. They’ll have to.

September 28, 2015

So you're renting. Whose names are on the lease? I ask that because they (GF and kids) might not agree to have your name removed from the lease. Edited to add: and it is possible (I don't know) if the landlord will agree to a new lease without you on it because you have better income and credit.

Edited September 28, 2015 by BlueIris

September 28, 2015

Mine and hers. The landlady is really "old school" and did not do a credit check, etc. I know that I can call her and tell her to take my name off the lease, and add my girlfriend's son and daughter's names to it. In any event, I know the impact would be minimal so I'm not worried about it

September 28, 2015

Mine and hers. The landlady is really "old school" and did not do a credit check, etc. I know that I can call her and tell her to take my name off the lease, and add my girlfriend's son and daughter's names to it. In any event, I know the impact would be minimal so I'm not worried about it

So why haven't you done it?

You do a lot of talking where you could do this and that. Yet you have not done any of it and seem to be more interested in trying to analyze the whys of the situation.

Have you no balls, dude? Seriously this is half the reason why this family of gypsies has stuck with you. You are nothing more than a long term Mark to these people. The reason the daughter spies on you is because mommy needs to be sure that the gravy train has not stopped since she gets the impression you might be starting to get wise to the game. But being wise to the game and acting upon what you know are two different things.

Just remember when you are analyzing the situation for the millionth time that doing nothing about it is also a decision.

If you continue to accept such treatment from a band of gypsies you can only blame yourself.

Stop talking and start doing.

September 28, 2015

Thanks, Space Ritual. I found that "No More Mr. Nice Guy" PDF and learned a little something about myself. I've gone over in my head hundreds and hundreds of times about how I would explain why I want to move out and leave this relationship, but it does no good. Everything will either be denied, blame-shifted, or outright met with hostility. All the little details mean nothing. She is master at "keeping score" of all the things I did wrong over the past 7 years, but I don't save all that **** up like she does. Best to keep it as civil as possible, i.e. use fewer words

Want a explanation? Tell her to look in the mirror and look around at the mess that is there with her kids. That's all you need to do and if she starts keeping score then let her keep score of how many suitcases you pack.

If it was me, I would find a place ASAP, gather your belongings and move on before you find yourself in worse shape. You don't need to live like this.

September 28, 2015

Mine and hers. The landlady is really "old school" and did not do a credit check, etc. I know that I can call her and tell her to take my name off the lease, and add my girlfriend's son and daughter's names to it. In any event, I know the impact would be minimal so I'm not worried about it

I really doubt that you can instruct a landlord to put people's names on a lease. A new lease is probably going to have to be signed, accepted by the new tenants. Ask her if she would agree to releasing you from the lease. And if she says yes, THEN tell GF and her children that you're being released from the lease (and rent obligation) and that you think landlady will give them a new lease. You can't force people into a contract that obligates them or do it without their knowledge and consent. See what I mean?

I agree with the posters above- find a new place to live and move out. Be strong in your resolve and don't surprised if GF and her kids say nasty things to you. Just keep moving and don't be distracted.

September 28, 2015

Thanks for all your input. The reason I'm posting and analyzing is because I need a sanity check on the situation. I've been in it so long I have a hard time seeing it all objectively, as you all now doubt seem to do. We have a lot of history together and it's not all bad, sometimes it's been great, so despite how easy and obvious it seems to be to everyone else, it isn't so easy for me.

September 28, 2015

I get it. It IS hard. You live with these people and they’re family-ish to you.

You ought to be able to talk with family and expect them to respect your position in the family and your needs and wishes- ideally. But they AREN’T considering you family and they accuse and spy, kind of like they have you captive in service to them.

So are you confident that you have talked to your GF honestly and openly about your wanting the kids out of the house, that the accusations have to stop and that you feel used, pushed out and fed up? That’s what you’d do if you felt respected and cared about. If you feel confident that you’ve done that and they didn’t care or fought you over that… then you have no choice to move or be used for as long as you stay.

September 28, 2015

Yes, BlueIris, I've been there through their teen years, driven them to school, helped them get drivers license and their first jobs, and encouraged a college education. (I'm a college graduate, my girlfriend is not). I even bought cars for them

However, I will catch hell if I EVER dare to say anything negative about her kids or I will get accused of hating them. Can you imagine if I suggested they move out, or find their own place? Unthinkable! ALL of their cousins, all in their 20s, still live at home, some take random community college classes and have retail jobs, but they don't contribute financially. That's not even on the table in their culture. They'll live at home forever, even if they get married (or live at the spouses' family's house).

See how it is? I could not get them to think about my upbringing, where EVERyone I knew looked forward to, and worked hard towards, their independence. I guess nowadays, these so-called "millenials" live at home longer, get home-cooked meals and few responsibilities, essentially making it easy for them not to leave home. Their parents aren't doing them any favors, either, by enabling them.

So are you confident that you have talked to your GF honestly and openly about your wanting the kids out of the house, that the accusations have to stop and that you feel used, pushed out and fed up?

Believe me, I have had this conversation many times before with my girlfriend. I am dealing with a person whose capacities for reason and empathy are like those of a child, despite my best efforts to ask her to deal with these issue as a grownup. It's a losing argument, every time. Blame-shifting is what happens. I am the one who is "selfish" and doesn't show respect, apparently. Any attempt for respect for my position and needs and wishes will fall on deaf, uncomprehending ears.

September 28, 2015

She's not your wife. Just leave. They don't respect you, which means they don't care or love you.

Also, shouldn't this be under Break Up ? I know you said she's jealous, but really this about you getting finding the cajones to break up.

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Suspicious, Irrational Control Freak - At the End of my Rope

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