Just not in that place

[Michael 93]

Hey All

 

It's good to be back and see familiar names doing so well! I hope everyone is doing OK?

 

Just a quick one but something I've been thinking about for a while so felt the need to maybe get other peoples insights.

I first came onto this site after a LTR breakup a few years ago. Me and my ex are now on decent terms and everyone who knows me knows that was a real real long shot lol!

 

I have dated since then but nothing too serious, lasting over a period of 3-4 months, sometimes shorter.

What I need your advice on is... Majority all of my friends are dating/seeing people/RS etc and I am not.

 

As a matter of fact I'm not even close and hardly speaking to women at all. Obviously I have female friends and I speak with females almost every day but non in that kind of "way" I have been focusing on myself over the last few months, I am now working 2 jobs 7 days per week and am having such a good time earning very good money sorting out my finances and going on/ planning trips etc. I'm not unhappy about this but I'm starting to think now am I doing this all wrong? Getting into a RS with someone isn't high on my priority list right now at all and I'm kinda focusing more on ME but every now and again I worry that I shouldn't feel this way?

 

I have girls who are interested but I really don't see anything in it with them, some of them are gorgeous and real nice but I don't have that connection with them from the off if you know what I mean? And after maturing somewhat I really do not want to waste peoples time by investing in something I just don't see lasting the distance.

 

My friends are always talking about who they are taking out next or what happened the previous night and I sometimes think man "am I missing something here?"

 

I'm prepared to wait for someone who actually hits me from the moment I meet them, I'm not willing to enter into something just "for the fun of it"

I am 22 so not exactly ready for marriage but I sometimes think that I am doing this wrong and should be trying the water.

 

People have told me in the past you may not always meet someone you get the "feeling" with straight away, sometimes you have to work at it to get it out but I don't view it that way at all and I strongly believe that you know its something special fairly early on...and again I don't wanna lead anyone down the wrong way. I just feel weird that in myself im really not into this girl thing at the moment. Like I said I am speaking to nobody at the moment and its quite weird lol.

 

Just a small concern I have and would really appreciate your guys feedback on this! Especially with my friends all currently involved.. Thank you in advance,

 

Mike

[TaraMaiden2]

I think you're doing excatly the right things for a guy of your age.

All I would advise is (if you're not doing it already) is to put money away for a deposit on your owen home, or something worthwhile and long-lasting.

 

You're 22.

My first marriage was at 21, and that proved to be the mother of all mistakes.

Relax, enjoy your life, be open to experiences and opportunities, but don't give a damn.

You know what a brainstorm relationships CAN be.

Your buddies may all be 'joined up' but I'm sure they have their ups and downs.

You at least are a free agent, and have nobody to seriously work into your plans.

 

Enjoy your youth. As the late, great George Bernard Shaw once famously said: "Youth is wasted on the young".

 

That is to say, you're all in such a hurry to be big, mature and doing "grown-up" things that you forget - or don't even notice - that this really IS the best time of your life.

Don't waste it.

Don't go mad, go on benders or do stuff you'll one day regret.

But don't get hung up on 'convention' either.

[Michael 93]

I think you're doing excatly the right things for a guy of your age.

All I would advise is (if you're not doing it already) is to put money away for a deposit on your owen home, or something worthwhile and long-lasting.

 

You're 22.

My first marriage was at 21, and that proved to be the mother of all mistakes.

Relax, enjoy your life, be open to experiences and opportunities, but don't give a damn.

You know what a brainstorm relationships CAN be.

Your buddies may all be 'joined up' but I'm sure they have their ups and downs.

You at least are a free agent, and have nobody to seriously work into your plans.

 

Enjoy your youth. As the late, great George Bernard Shaw once famously said: "Youth is wasted on the young".

 

That is to say, you're all in such a hurry to be big, mature and doing "grown-up" things that you forget - or don't even notice - that this really IS the best time of your life.

Don't waste it.

Don't go mad, go on benders or do stuff you'll one day regret.

But don't get hung up on 'convention' either.

 

 

Thanks Tara. Good to hear from you again.

Nice to know someone agrees with how I'm approaching things and good to know other people have these worries!

 

You have put me at easy slightly and I will try to relax and enjoy my youth taking step at a time!

 

And yes saving is something on my agenda! It will make stuff worthwhile in the end I guess.

Thank you

[Celeste.Carol]

Have you considered you may have some underlying depression since the break up and are unaware of it, shoving it back...but it still catches up! This is what I sense. The depression does not have to be severe or malignant and you feel like someone needs to wind you up, but it may be enough to keep not keep you energized enough and ready for love when she presents herself. You cannot feel that if you are blah, no matter how friendly, gorgeous, and great she may be.

[Yummm]

Hey mate.

 

I'm also 22. 4.5 months post BU. Focusing on work, health, friends, but i'm ALSO dating. I have dated alot over the past month and haven't found anyone that I have that deep connection with that I want to peruse further.

 

I'd say it's fine to focus on us for the meantime, yes, we're young and the world is our oyster.

 

Celeste.Carol does make a point though, could it perhaps be this? I feel like even though i'm genuinely content with life, I still excessively date to fill some sort of 'void' since my breakup (probably missing the feeling of being in a relationship) yet I can't actually 'find someone' to fill that void.

 

Alot of my buddies are in serious relationships and some are even getting married! I don't think we need to compare, I mean, look at the divorce rate these days, it's over 50%! Not to say that our buddies won't be happy, but at your own pace mate!

 

Stay positive

[salparadise]

Most guys your age are driven by an insatiable desire for poontang. If you are not then I'd say the first thing to do is get your T level checked. If that's normal then perhaps it is low-level depression, an overactive superego, a mild form of ptsd from your pervious relationship... or perhaps the previous girlfriend is more influential than you realize.

 

When you say that you and the ex-gf are on decent terms, what does that mean? Are you interacting with her regularly? Who broke up with whom? And when you say "everyone who knows me knows that was a real real long shot," what exactly do you mean by that?

[Siquijor]

I don't see a problem here whatsoever. If I was to go through my 20's again I'd be doing exactly the same.

 

 

Take life at your own pace OP and don't worry about what others are doing. Good luck.

[Michael 93]

Well, mix of responses there! Thank you everyone for your feedback.

 

I do have a tendency to over think things and that does include worrying about what others are doing. That isn't the case this time around however I cant help but question it as I am doing the total opposite.

 

Those of you who mentioned my ex, really weird. I have never looked at it like that to be honest

By "longshot" @salparadise @Celeste.Carol I mean I struggled very much with the breakup and for a long period of time was very very down, i struggled to let go for quite a while. majority of people on here will back me up on that! I know I am most definitely past that now. And yes, she indeed broke up with me and moved on very very quickly after us having quite a meaningful RS.

 

However don't get me wrong I still really really am for the poontang its just not exactly something I'm focusing on. If the opportunity presents itself believe me I wont turn it down lol!

 

Well.. we work for the same company and have seen each other a few times say over the past year at first it was very difficult but now I feel as though I am at peace with it. If ever we see each other in work circumstances we always catch up or more recently she has emailed to see how I am. Nothing more.. She is in a long term RS currently so....

 

On one hand I feel as though everything I am doing is fine. Now you have mentioned underlying issues it would be arrogant of me to rule it out.

 

Very kind words @Yummm thank you. I have to agree, however marriage at our age is very forthcoming!! I have no intention of that just yet, after all you need the marriage materials first!

 

I hope this can be rectified and I don't have too much to worry about.

 

Mike

[salparadise]

I mean I struggled very much with the breakup and for a long period of time was very very down, i struggled to let go for quite a while. [...]

 

I know I am most definitely past that now. And yes, she indeed broke up with me and moved on very very quickly after us having quite a meaningful RS.

 

...seen each other a few times say over the past year at first it was very difficult but now I feel as though I am at peace with it.

 

...recently she has emailed to see how I am. Nothing more.. She is in a long term RS currently so....

 

On one hand I feel as though everything I am doing is fine. Now you have mentioned underlying issues it would be arrogant of me to rule it out.

 

Well, it's impossible to say with any certainty or specificity, but my bet is that you are subconsciously committed to a defensive strategy to avoid the venerability that caused you so much pain recently... and perhaps still is greater than you're able to recognize.

 

Seeing her in the new relationship, interacting occasionally, and her emailing to ask how you're doing may be a formula for being stuck in an incomplete grieving process that keeps you from looking forward with enthusiasm.

 

Did you go to therapy after the breakup, and if so, for how long? How long ago was the breakup? Often times it's necessary to talk it out until you're done, and friends and family tire of listening long before you've worked through it.

 

What was it like when you were in the 3-4 month dating scenarios... were you attaching and developing romantic feelings? Did you call it off when you started to have feelings... or why were they not sustainable?

 

If you are truly over the ex-gf and aren't unconsciously reacting, then it could just be your choice to focus on other things for awhile. But my guess it that the two are not unrelated.

[Michael 93]

Well, it's impossible to say with any certainty or specificity, but my bet is that you are subconsciously committed to a defensive strategy to avoid the venerability that caused you so much pain recently... and perhaps still is greater than you're able to recognize.

 

Seeing her in the new relationship, interacting occasionally, and her emailing to ask how you're doing may be a formula for being stuck in an incomplete grieving process that keeps you from looking forward with enthusiasm.

 

Did you go to therapy after the breakup, and if so, for how long? How long ago was the breakup? Often times it's necessary to talk it out until you're done, and friends and family tire of listening long before you've worked through it.

 

What was it like when you were in the 3-4 month dating scenarios... were you attaching and developing romantic feelings? Did you call it off when you started to have feelings... or why were they not sustainable?

 

If you are truly over the ex-gf and aren't unconsciously reacting, then it could just be your choice to focus on other things for awhile. But my guess it that the two are not unrelated.

 

 

yes. that could be a possibility I guess. I mean sort of like having a constant guard up? the reason I haven't put it down to this is because it doesn't really feel as though I have my guard up.

Like others have said, I feel rather 'meh' about the situation rather than defensive, so maybe I do need to think about things.

 

I did talk it out for months and months and like I said I very much feel as though I have handled it and past it now..

unfortunately not, I didn't go to therapy. It was something I looked into at one point but never actually got round to doing it as I kinda took it on my own back. The B/U was around a a year and a half...Crazy how time flies!

 

And being totally honest....Whilst yes there was an initial attraction with the women and I thought it could potentially go somewhere, my feelings never progressed and that confused me because I wasn't used to it.

[EricaH329]

I think you're doing just fine I spent about a year being completely single myself, with no urge to get into a relationship, and it was the best year of my life! I learned so much about myself that I wouldn't have realized being in a relationship with someone.

 

We all need time to ourselves. I don't see anything wrong with that at all! If you're waiting for someone to come along that you know you want to be with, that's great! Some people jump into relationships just for the sake of being in a relationship, which never works out.

 

I say just keep doing whatever makes you the most happy! In the end, you'll be the one reaping the benefits

[salparadise]

yes. that could be a possibility I guess. I mean sort of like having a constant guard up? the reason I haven't put it down to this is because it doesn't really feel as though I have my guard up.

Like others have said, I feel rather 'meh' about the situation rather than defensive, so maybe I do need to think about things.

 

I did talk it out for months and months and like I said I very much feel as though I have handled it and past it now..

unfortunately not, I didn't go to therapy. It was something I looked into at one point but never actually got round to doing it as I kinda took it on my own back. The B/U was around a a year and a half...Crazy how time flies!

 

And being totally honest....Whilst yes there was an initial attraction with the women and I thought it could potentially go somewhere, my feelings never progressed and that confused me because I wasn't used to it.

 

If you're truly happy with the way you are conducting your life and not playing hide and seek with your feelings, then I guess it could be just that simple. But you were motivated by something to come on here and post the question, so I suspect there is a little voice whispering something that gives you pause...

 

Our defense mechanisms do not operate in the clear- they are covert, subconscious ways of coping that we adopt without realizing it. Everybody uses defense mechanisms too... they are not dysfunctional, it's normal healthy stuff (most of the time) that helps us equilibrate, achieve and maintain homeostasis. It's only when our defensive strategies interfere with normal emotional function, create huge gaps in awareness, or otherwise take us too far in the opposite direction that they become a problem. Anna Freud (yes, Sigmund's daughter) did the groundbreaking work on defense mechanisms, so if you're interested in learning more, google.

 

We are originally hard-wired for love and connection. We also have strong instincts for self-preservation and part of that is avoidance of things that cause us pain. When these two processes are in balance they allow us to make good choices... attachment to people who enhance our existence, and avoidance of the opposite. To fall in love is risky- our ability to love is equal to our tolerance for vulnerability, which in turn is dependent upon our sense of self. When we choose to love we are essentially saying, "I am giving you the ability to destroy me, and trusting that you won't." But then sometimes they do.

 

I think this may be one significant reason that it's harder to find new relationships at mid-life and beyond than in the young adult years. At my age (late 50s) we've all been through the wringer a few times many have adopted a highly defensive strategy... they seek superficial attachments to [partially] satisfy the need for connectedness, but they've lost the ability to go deep and grant anyone the power to hurt them while trusting that they won't.

 

If they haven't done the work, they won't even realize it. So when I date the first thing I'm looking at (beyond the obvious attraction and appropriateness) is whether they've done the work and are seeking to go deep, or if they're going for someone who will be fine with a superficial attachment... to stave off loneliness without having to risk anything. I've fallen in with light attachment ladies a few times; they last 3-4-5 months. Eh, so over that schtick.

 

You're young and you've got time. You just need to decide what you truly want in life and go for it. There's nothing inherently wrong with working seven days a week for awhile to get established... if that's an actual choice congruent with who you are and what you want. But if it's part of an avoidance strategy, then not so much. If you aren't sure, then therapy will help you figure it out––and see a lot of things more clearly so that you can live well and self actualize. You might have to wait awhile for the right woman to walk into your life, but you want to be there with a wide open heart when she does. And remember, it's actually more about being the right person than finding the right person.