Hope87 Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 Hello, would really appreciate some candid advice please. I was involved with a guy and things have gone down south. I'm trying to get over the hurt and move on. It's been a miserable experience and sometimes I experience bouts of happiness and then the sadness returns. The mornings are the worst and night time is the most bearable. I've done a lot of reflection of late and realise that my sorrows might be accentuated by my age. I feel like if I were a bit younger, I wouldn't feel as pressurised to find the one this very minute and marry immediately. This is one of the reasons why I've taken this quite hard. If i were 26 years old for example, I'd happily take off 6 month from relationships and focus on other things but I feel like I can't even do that! I can't afford to take my mind off "meeting my life partner and getting married ". Don't get me wrong, I want nothing more than to meet my future husband ( i don't necessarily need to wed right away - happy to take my time planning a wedding / enjoy a medium- length courtship) . But the pressure of meeting my future husband combined with the disappointment from this relationship is overwhelming. I don't know what to do. A number of my friends are married, but not all of them. My twin sister is engaged to be married as well. I'm 28 years old going on 29 first quarter of next year. Am I objectively old? Can i afford to take a few months off my preoccupation with " getting settled "?. I know fertility starts to decline after age of 35 as well. Any comments would be extremely helpful. Thanks for reading.
CarrieT Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 I'm 28 years old going on 29 first quarter of next year. Am I objectively old? Can i afford to take a few months off my preoccupation with " getting settled "?. I know fertility starts to decline after age of 35 as well. Oh Piffle. Don't live by a calendar. For many of us, we didn't find our partners until well "past our prime." Heck, I was married at 20 and divorced at 24/25. I proceeded to live by your logic for the next 25 years, believing that I was "too old" but - before I knew it - I was approaching my 50th year. I had gone through a handful of long relationships, yes, but none of them worthy of marriage. It was only two years ago - when I was 49 - that I decided to marry again. And even still now, I do not feel too old for anything (except for procreation, but that's another story). 3
ScienceGal Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 You have plenty of time. I'm 33 and am taking a break since my last relationship ended because: 1. I want to properly heal before entering a new relatioship 2. I want to fully understand my part in the relationship's demise 3. I want to not repeat mistakes (e.g. remaining silent, abandoning myself) 4. I want to reconnect with my friends and family 5. I want to reconnect with myself and love myself again first I want a committed long-term relationship, and I still entertain the idea of marriage and kids. There are no shortcuts though, and trying to find one will likely put you right back to being alone and unhappy. I know, because it's what I seem to keep doing. The 30 milestone was hard for me, but I got over it. I still have time, but I've accepted having kids might not happen for me. There is no time restraint on finding a suitable partner though. People meet their match at all ages. 3
d0nnivain Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 I didn't even meet my husband until I was 39. It was a 1st marriage for both of us. Relax. 3
Author Hope87 Posted September 24, 2015 Author Posted September 24, 2015 Thank you all for your responses, Carrie, Doni and Science Gal. Very much appreciated. I stem from a very cultural background in spite of my western exposure. I will take two months off dating and stop thinking about guys and who might be my life partner etc. I need to heal most importantly but i also need to be rid of this mental stress and anxiety. @ Science gal why do you say kids might not happen for you?
justanickname Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 Hope, I'm in early 30s and I do not bother to have never been in a relationship yet. It has not yet counted that I am from Asia where parents and relatives have a very strong and harsh for this. Don't get me wrong, I like guys, and I am not objective to marriage if I could find the right one. Regards to kids, if you are worried about it since age might matter, why don't you have one by your own when you are well-prepared? I mean it does not need to have sex to give birth to a baby, right? You can do the artificial insemination. Actually my female cousin did that, she became single mom (which is even more harsh in Asian countries and cultures than having no husbands!) about 2 years ago, after she set up in advance everything for that. And I think if a guy loves you truly, it should not be a matter to him. So, cheer up, you still have time for sure, like other posters here say. 1
purdyPeas Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 Old? My second marriage was by 28. Waited another 4 more years for 2nd baby.....in hindsight, I never thought about in depth character of the person I was marrying and that I intended it to be forever and could I live with that? It's not about age you are marrying for, it should be for what you can live with for the rest of your life. Divorce is pretty expensive and life damaging. My suggestion is to take your time or you will error.... 1
sparkles_and_me Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 We are the same age and I feel the same thing. I feel old and I already feel the pressure on finding the "one". That's why when my last relationship ended, it hurt me more because I thought he was already that guy I'm going to marry. But when he left me it, it turned out that he wasn't that guy yet. I'm starting to get scared that I will die alone but everyone's words and advice make me think otherwise... 1
mightycpa Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 If you are marriage-minded, then I suppose you have to surround yourself with men who are feeling that way too. But be careful about the willingness to settle in order to satisfy the calendar. It has been studied and observed that people who get out of school first feel like they have to enjoy life, during which they enjoy no more than about a 6 - 7 year period of time before they start feeling "too old" for the bar and party scene, and they begin to get a mind for settling down. Some, of course, do so earlier. High school graduates feel it in their early twenties. BS and BA diploma holders feel it in their late 20's. MS and MA graduates feel it in their early 30's. PhD's a little later than that. There is about a 2-year window to feel this way, and then something remarkable happens to these people. They all feel it is "too late" and marriage rates plummet. It doesn't matter how old they actually are, what matters is how old they feel, relative to their peers. If they are single, and they miss that window, marriage rates fall to the low single digits. Google it. You want to focus your efforts on college graduates now, and you don't want to spend more than a couple of years with any of them. If you do, you'll find you have to spend some time with people getting their masters, or their law degrees, and the competition will be fierce. 1
metaversus Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Well this is depressing. I'm 36 and she thinks she's too old at 29. Lovely.
Oregon_Dude Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Yes, at 28, you may as well hang it all up, declare yourself single for life, get four more cats and join two more book clubs. You will never, ever date again. 1
Grumpybutfun Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 There is a very important life lesson in this.....and it has nothing to do with expectations and everything to do with living an authentic life not dictated by parents, culture or society. The sad thing is that you are so busy trying to please others that you aren't reflecting on the most important aspect...what do you want? Really want? Do you want to marry? Do you want to have children? Right now? Sometimes the best lives are living in spite of being a disappointment to others. As an adult, you need to make sure you are living your life for you with what you want at your own pace. Anything other than that and you have no boundaries and will end up feeling you did what was expected to the detriment of your own happiness. Good luck, Grumps 1
Author Hope87 Posted September 29, 2015 Author Posted September 29, 2015 (edited) I'd love to get married and have kids. Right now, I'm not desperate to actually wed, but I want to meet my life partner if that makes any sense. I'm from a very strong cultural background and it's difficult to resist all the pressure. I hope things change for me soon. I wasn't trying to suggest that 28 is the cut-off point (I'm really sorry if I offended anyone who's older than me and I am aware of many people who found love at different ages). I was genuinely voicing a fear I find myself confronted by. Right now, I want to heal but I feel immense pressure to find a replacement immediately. I realise it's unhealthy hence why I have given myself 2 months to cool off. It's also a bit frustrating because I meet a lot of guys but I am not PHYSICALLY attracted to the majority of them and it's not like they're ugly or objectively unattractive, on the contrary it's the opposite I'm simply just not attracted or drawn to them. Relating with them is like relating with a platonic friend; no sparks, no chemistry or butterflies. Which explains why when I find myself attracted to ONE out of multiple guys, I tend to ignore the red flags and dive in head-on. But I've come to the realisation that I cannot settle for someone I am not physically attracted to. I believe love can grow, but that chemistry and attraction is almost an instant thing ( it feels that way for me). Is my thinking erroneous? I hope for better luck soon , please forgive my self-pitying mood. Thanks so much for reading. Edited September 29, 2015 by Hope87
FancyFace Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 Hey OP, I totally feel you. I got dumped age 28. The thing that kept ringing in my head during and after the breakup was the feeling of "Oh *****, my ship has sailed, no one will want me now". I went into absolute panic mode trying to hold onto a douche, more because of fear than because of genuine love. When I turned 29 this year, I started accepting dates from whoever asked because I knew I was fast approaching 30 and in my mind time was running out. BAD MOVE to say the very least. I know the societal pressure that is placed on women close to their 30's but you cannot let that get you down, nor can you let it dictate your decisions going forward. Decisions made in fear and desperation are usually decisions one comes to regret. I think what is important is healing from the past and also creating a life worth living with or without a partner. We cannot hold our breath waiting for life to begin based on something that is quite frankly out of our control. Like my therapist said, a realtionship (marriage, kids etc.) should add colour to your life and not be your entire life. Yes, you can put yourself in situations where you are more likely to meet suitable men but I also believe we should both relax, breath easy and believe that it will happen. There is always someone better around the corner, just gotta keep your chin up and enjoy the journey. 1
ScienceGal Posted September 29, 2015 Posted September 29, 2015 @ Science gal why do you say kids might not happen for you? I don't want it to be a major influence in my decision-making. I want a loving and compatible long term partner more than I want kids. I know people who wanted the kids more and jumped into relationships/marriage and pregnancy quickly. Not that it can't work that way, it would just scare the bejeezus out of me to hurry a decision that is a life-long commitment. 1
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