Grape lemon Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 My first post here so I do apologise if it's a bit messy. I'm a 22 year old girl who has a friends with benefit situation with a guy also 22. We both came out of relationships about 6 months ago and we have been friends for about 5 years. Started talking more then started sleeping together etc. Both agreed that we were just friends. We saw eachother 3-4 times a week. Usually just chill, go out, go for dinner, talk all night. I really enjoyed his company and said it was so good to be able to talk to a girl and not feel like he was talking to a brick wall.. Haha. Told me that he was having the best sex of his life .. (Im sure he only said that because I know he was only having sex with his ex once a month). I didn't tell him my birthday was coming up recently and he suprised me with flowers and a teddy and said he knew I wouldn't tell him about my birthday but he still wanted to get me something. His parents loved me and kept telling him to date me etc. I knew they did not like his ex. Oh well as it happens this week he msgs me and said he wants to talk to me about something so I called him and he said his ex girlfriend found out about me and now wants to work things out with him. Even though she dumped him and was seeing one of his friends. I understand they have history and I also understand that now it's happened I feel a bit upset and probably have feelings there. I'm also aware of the possibility that him and his ex will not work out. He told me he wants to stay friends but obviously can't see me anymore and I said "we talked about this, if we were to stop having sex, we probably wouldn't be friends.." And he told me that he still wants to check in with me and see how im doing. I said well that's fine, I hope everything works out the way you want it. Im not sure what my exact question is, just looking for support because I'm feeling a bit sad about it. I know there's a high chance him and his ex won't get back together based on their history.. I don't know if I should speak to him again if that happens.
Toodaloo Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 I think you need to make this more clear cut. He is back with his ex so that means no more of you. At all. No checking in no "how are yous?", no 2am texts etc. IF he comes back to you when they split up again, and IF he wants to try again, tell him its all or nothing. If he gives you nothing then for goodness sake walk away or you will waste years on this one. If you don't stomp your foot down hard on this one right now you are going to end up on a merry go round of sleeping with him and then not, sleeping with him then not... all the while carrying residual feelings and emotions that prevent you from getting into a relationship that is good and healthy for you. Personally I think you need to just walk away and go no contact period. But I know that these things do occasionally work out.
Maggie4 Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 The friends with benefits thing doesn't work. You developed feelings for him but he was not in a real relationship with you. Even if he hadn't gone back to his ex, sooner or later he'd find someone else to be in a REAL relationship with. I am really against FWB, too many people get hurt that way. It's not right.
bettermistakes Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 I agree with the others - you have to walk away. It sucks, it hurts, you wish things were different. But reality is he doesn't and (in all likelihood) won't see you as a potential girlfriend. And no one wants to feel that way, especially after they're emotionally invested. BUT, the sooner you can cut him off completely, the sooner you'll feel better and can move on to bigger and better things. No WAY should you allow yourself to knowingly be anyone's back-up/safety net.
Author Grape lemon Posted October 8, 2015 Author Posted October 8, 2015 Hey I appreciate your repsonses guys! I did leave out some information.. My ex also was trying to get back with me which he also knew and he knew I was confused about what i wanted to do so that's why I completley understood he wanted to give it another go with his ex girlfriend. I went silent after that conversation. Did not text, call or send him any direct snapchats. He can see what I put on my story but that's about it. I didn't delete him from facebook either. He put up some pretty weird/depressing facebook posts for a bit which was out of character for him but I tried not to read too much into it. After 10 days of silence he messaged me asking in a joking manner if he was ever going to see his sweater again which I've had at my house for maybe 3 months now. I responded with dont worry I will return them! And had a quick conversation asking how he is and he said im ok I guess... Etc etc. Was a dead end conversation and nothing else since. My male friend who I confide in seems to think we are both being ridiculous and thinks this guy made it obvious he liked me but I was adamant about being friends only and completley closed off. That's why he gave his ex another shot. although im confident that him and his exs attempt at reconciling has failed from what I've heard. I'm thinking of returning the sweater in the next couple of days and being upfront with this guy if I know he's not with his ex. I pretended not to have feelings for so long which potentially ruined everything. Good or bad idea?
Toodaloo Posted October 8, 2015 Posted October 8, 2015 Oh what a tangled web we weave.... Right, anything like this you need to keep it simple. 1. Do you want your ex? 2. Do you want this guy? If you do not want your ex tell your ex to take a hike and stop messing about. Makes that question simple. If you want this guy tell him he has to do the same with his ex and quit faffing about if he wants to be with you. Makes that simple. Cut all the drama out and keep it simple. You can't have everything in life so make a damned decision and stick to it. Give this guy his jumper back.
Author Grape lemon Posted October 9, 2015 Author Posted October 9, 2015 Oh what a tangled web we weave.... Right, anything like this you need to keep it simple. 1. Do you want your ex? 2. Do you want this guy? If you do not want your ex tell your ex to take a hike and stop messing about. Makes that question simple. If you want this guy tell him he has to do the same with his ex and quit faffing about if he wants to be with you. Makes that simple. Cut all the drama out and keep it simple. You can't have everything in life so make a damned decision and stick to it. Give this guy his jumper back. Yeah it was a bit messy for a bit but I've actually cut my ex off quite some time ago now as it was never going to work out. I think my post clearly indicates that I do want this guy however after last nights exchange of messages I'm officially giving up on him.
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