thejabberwocky Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 Why is everyone so creepy? I've been trying to get out there and have fun again since my 6 yr relationship ended. I've reconnected with old friends and tried to go out. However, so far THREE Of my guy friends have either creepily come on to me or confessed their love to me. I tried to go out with a friend of mine this past weekend and even though he knows I'm very sad about my breakup,he kept creepily grabbing my leg! When I told him I was not interested, he said I must be because of our "sexual tension". It was so gross and I left and plan to never speak to him again. But it gets worse. Last night, one of my best friends OF 10 YEARS tried to kiss me - after we spent most of the night talking about how devastated I am. Does no one have any respect for how I'M feeling here? Now I have to deal with losing such a close friend too. I am so furious and I just feel sick to my stomach about this entire situation. All I want to do is run into the arms of my boyfriend, who I feel safe and comfortable with - but then I remember he's a drug addict now and we're not together. If any of you watch How I Met Your Mother, I feel like that one girl that Ted is obsessed with - the one that breaks up with her boyfriend and all these guys start rushing to get to her first. You know, where he pays her neighbor to call him when "the window is open"? Except instead of them all being nice guys and her feeling ready to date, my friends are harassing me and being creepy. And I am NOT ready to date or have any interest in hooking up or doing anything with anyone. What I really need are my friends and they're dropping like flies. I am so upset about last night that I still feel physically ill. I don't know what to do. And it's all making me miss my ex so much. I have so much anxiety about what happened.
Author thejabberwocky Posted September 24, 2015 Author Posted September 24, 2015 I do also have girlfriends but that isn't what I'm upset about. I didn't expect to suddenly become a piece of meat to these guys I've known for years. It's really disappointing and I'm already really depressed without this too.
jen1447 Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 I know it sucks when ppl disappoint you hon. ((Hugs))
mightycpa Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 Whenever I'm with my young teenage daughter taking her somewhere, and I see a couple of dogs going at it, I point at them, and say See that? That's what boys do. It doesn't mean they're evil or bad, but nature drives them to be like that. When that's what they want, they will say or do almost anything to get it. As they get older, they grow out of it little by little, but for right now, boys are just like that dog on top. Your dad was once a dog. Pretty much all boys are. Never forget that.So Jabberwocky, I would say to you that the next time you see a dog humping another on the side of the road, take a moment to think of your male friends. I have no idea how old you are, mid 20's maybe?, but these same guys who have disappointed you, they will get better as they get older. Guys don't mature until 25, and even then, it is a slow process to get from adolescent behavior to their newfound adult status. Most guys don't act like stable men until their late twenties. Some take longer. Jen's right. Find a couple of girlfriends whose shoulders are dry.
Author thejabberwocky Posted September 24, 2015 Author Posted September 24, 2015 You're right, I'm mid 20's but one of those guys is in his 30's. I just am so angry at the way my life is going. I feel I can't trust anyone.
greenleaves54 Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 (edited) Unfortunately, I think that's the reality behind many male-female friendships. When trying to get to know girls, whether as friends or as something more, our brains prefer girls that we are attracted too. "If the time is right one day - who knows what this friendship might result in!" "Or maybe they can introduce us to their pretty girl friends?" -Brain. However they should know you well enough to respect your situation and not act like creeps. Of course, there are exceptions. But as a general rule I feel it's true. I have female friends (whom I have no attraction for) but most of them are not very close. Edited September 24, 2015 by greenleaves54
casey.lives Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 there's no such thing as guy friends when you get older.. 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 there's no such thing as guy friends when you get older.. Untrue. There is. The problems arise when you're younger.... I have one platonic friend. One. I could have had more, if they hadn't had ulterior motives. I was the platonic buddy. They saw a booty-potential. One guy in 20 will be the ideal platonic buddy. Possibly two, if you have a gay guy in your friend contingency. But then again, I wouldn't classify a gay guy as a platonic friend. A gay guy is a your "Guurlfriend"...! Guys see potential in a lone, dumped, sad, depressed woman. "I know what will cheer HER up and get ME laid: I'll come onto her. She'll be no-doubt desperate for male attention, how could she possibly refuse?!" Yeah. Right. Sorry you're going through this, but consider it a learning curve. 'Humping dogs', is right....
Christos Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 (edited) Let's just be honest here. There is no male-female friendship. Everyone who says otherwise is delusional or a kid/teenager... I have female "friends" too, but i keep my distance. Most of the time they try to be something more with me, and after this happens with 5, 10 or 20 "friends", then you start getting it into your skull, that there is no man-woman friendship... Out of self-respect, i have never become a "friend" with a woman i was attracted to. Most of my friends are long distance or kept to low contact. I know how brutal this may seem to you, but most of those "friends" of yours, don't really care about you, they only placed themselves close to you in order to take an opportunity and get you. This should teach you to not have any male friends. There are girlfriends out there for you... Plus, after my recent break up from a 6 year relationship, i am too finding out that the dating scene sucks. And most women are crazy and/or manipulative liars... It seems the population is getting worse with each generation... Edited September 24, 2015 by Christos 1
NoLeafClover Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 You are sending mix signals to all these guys around you
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 You are sending mix signals to all these guys around you No. I completely disagree here. If she was blowing hot 'n' cold, leading them on and shamelessly flirting but then backing off, I'd agree. But she's not. She has a weakness. She's broken up with her ex- and they're attempting to exploit it. I'm sorry, but I can see it a million miles off, because, many, many years ago, it happened to me. The circumstances were slightly different. In fact, it was worse, because my husband and I had been separated by circumstances beyond our control, and although married, we would have to endure a significant period of time apart. The day my H went away - the very day - two of HIS buddies and one brother of his, all came round - at different times - and all made it quite clear that if i wanted dick, they were more than ready to supply it. In fact, one of them even made it blatantly obvious and suggested that 'there's no time like the present!' I was young, naive and emotional - but not so much that I even entertained any notion whatsoever of doing any such thing. When I next spoke to my H., I told him how very 'comforting' his friends and brother had been. Boy, that didn't go down well.... They sure got the rough side of his temper.... 1
jen1447 Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 Wow, your hubs' brother did that? While you were still married?
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 Wow, your hubs' brother did that? While you were still married? Yes. He figured that if he was going to f**k someone other than his own GF, it would be better to 'keep it in the family'. More leverage... I've never shown anyone the door, more quickly....
Tobin Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 These guy friends of yours are not really your friends. They sense your weakness and they're trying to take advantage of you. This is not the time to be around guy friends- maybe when you heal, maybe when you have another boyfriend, you can revisit those opposite gender relationships-but given how these guys acted, I can't imagine you'd want to. Not all guys are creeps, but there ARE tons of them. From numerous conversations with countless women I've meet on the dating sites, you might have to go through 9 creepy dysfunctional guys to meet one like me. But once you find us, it's worth it. Don't give up!
Author thejabberwocky Posted September 24, 2015 Author Posted September 24, 2015 Thank you all for your support. It's still really disappointing. And I absolutely have not led on anyone. We've always been friends and I've never shown any interest. Especially with the friend of 10 years - I cried to him about how upset I was about my breakup. How does that translate to "now is your chance to make a move"?! The worst part of this I think is now my view of men is not too great, and it's making my ex look better and better. Aside from the drug problem of course, I obviously do not want him back. But it makes me miss who he was even more. The whole point of me going out and hanging out with friends more often was so I'd feel supported and distracted and miss him less. It's definitely not working out that way. If anything, I'm losing my faith in humanity and want to stay in bed forever. I've also been avoiding my girlfriends because most of what they do is about attracting men. Ie, going to clubs to meet guys (which I hate) or do these dating activities in hopes of meeting someone. I'm just not interested. The others are married and some have kids and they simply don't have the time or energy to devote to me being sad and pathetic.
greenleaves54 Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 Thank you all for your support. It's still really disappointing. And I absolutely have not led on anyone. We've always been friends and I've never shown any interest. Especially with the friend of 10 years - I cried to him about how upset I was about my breakup. How does that translate to "now is your chance to make a move"?! The worst part of this I think is now my view of men is not too great, and it's making my ex look better and better. Aside from the drug problem of course, I obviously do not want him back. But it makes me miss who he was even more. The whole point of me going out and hanging out with friends more often was so I'd feel supported and distracted and miss him less. It's definitely not working out that way. If anything, I'm losing my faith in humanity and want to stay in bed forever. I've also been avoiding my girlfriends because most of what they do is about attracting men. Ie, going to clubs to meet guys (which I hate) or do these dating activities in hopes of meeting someone. I'm just not interested. The others are married and some have kids and they simply don't have the time or energy to devote to me being sad and pathetic. I guess when you really need support you realize who your true friends are. I noticed some of my friends don't realize how much heartbreak hurts though. They have never really been through it so I don't blame them for not caring very much. In any case, there's always someone on Loveshack who got time for someone to feel as sad or pathetic as is needed
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 Thank you all for your support. It's still really disappointing. And I absolutely have not led on anyone. We've always been friends and I've never shown any interest. Especially with the friend of 10 years - I cried to him about how upset I was about my breakup. How does that translate to "now is your chance to make a move"?! .... Net time some guy tries to pull some funny stuff, lean over, and conspiratorially tell him - `Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe. That will shut him up long enough for you to grab your coat and trill "Be seein' ya!"
MrReborn Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 (edited) I'm sorry that this has happened to you, but you need to choose your friends better. If you're an attractive female, most of these guys will hang around you until they get a shot at you. Pretty much, they're fooled into thinking that having a good friendship leads to attraction(it can if done right, but 98% of the time it isn't) and you see what you have just experienced. I'm analyzing what you have said, and I can see why these guys are hitting on you so "unexpectedly". To be honest, it sounds like you have some false friendships going on(it hurts, but it's the truth). I've been on both sides, and it's not the best place to be. First of all, you said that you're re-connecting with old friends right? Why are they guy friends instead of women friends? If you're contacting an old guy friend out of the blue or even a best guy friend to "go out", what do you think they expect? You say you haven't done anything to lead them on, are you really sure about that? This is one of the reasons why I don't think women should go out on one one with a male friend, especially as adults. Secondly, you say that when you went out with these friends, and then proceeded to let them know how upset you were about the break up(which is fine when you have actual friends). This tells me that you went to these friends in the past with problems you have had(anything, not strictly relationship talk) and listened to all of the things you say in hopes that you will fall in love with them. They have the mindset of "Hey, she isn't presenting these problems with her current boyfriend, and she's presenting them to me instead! Once she realizes that I'm better than her boyfriend by listening to the problems she won't say to him, then she'll eventually choose me!" Lastly, you mentioned that it was like something out of a TV show in your original post. You do realize that shows like that are the reasons why guys act the way they do? You say that they're acting creepy, but in retrospect they're enacting the same things society teaches men because it's supposedly what women like when it actually isn't(men that don't understand attraction). I assume that these guy friends of yours were all really nice to you right? Blame movies and TV shows, because a guy that will truly be your friend will treat everyone as equals. Heartbreak is by no means easy, and takes a lot of healing. Take some time for yourself, enjoy things by yourself, and ease yourself into group activities. You're making the steps in the right directions, but you should be little more cautious because you're hurting yourself more than you need to, and you deserve nothing but the best. Make sure you have friends that are genuine and will truly be there for you, ones that will have your back through thick and thin. Edited September 24, 2015 by MrReborn 1
quattrob Posted September 24, 2015 Posted September 24, 2015 Thank you all for your support. It's still really disappointing. And I absolutely have not led on anyone. We've always been friends and I've never shown any interest. Especially with the friend of 10 years - I cried to him about how upset I was about my breakup. How does that translate to "now is your chance to make a move"?! The worst part of this I think is now my view of men is not too great, and it's making my ex look better and better. Aside from the drug problem of course, I obviously do not want him back. But it makes me miss who he was even more. The whole point of me going out and hanging out with friends more often was so I'd feel supported and distracted and miss him less. It's definitely not working out that way. If anything, I'm losing my faith in humanity and want to stay in bed forever. I've also been avoiding my girlfriends because most of what they do is about attracting men. Ie, going to clubs to meet guys (which I hate) or do these dating activities in hopes of meeting someone. I'm just not interested. The others are married and some have kids and they simply don't have the time or energy to devote to me being sad and pathetic. I bolded a sentence in your post, there are many guys that feel the same about women. And it all comes down to not understanding and/or meeting the wrong guys/girls. I've lost faith in humanity and even now I do, but this is the world we live in. We have to try to look for positives in life and live the best we can. It sucks that your "guy" friends did that to you and disrespected you and your feelings. You just met the wrong guys/friends, perhaps you didn't know them as well as you thought you did. Don't lose faith in other guys, there are guys out there that would treat you with dignity and respect, you just haven't met them yet.
Oregon_Dude Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 (edited) First of all, you said that you're re-connecting with old friends right? Why are they guy friends instead of women friends? If you're contacting an old guy friend out of the blue or even a best guy friend to "go out", what do you think they expect? You say you haven't done anything to lead them on, are you really sure about that? This is one of the reasons why I don't think women should go out on one one with a male friend, especially as adults.Exactly. I don't understand women who have guy friends, and especially those who don't understand that those guy friends have selfish agendas, and are just waiting their turn. Women deceive themselves into thinking, "oh, he's just a friend, he's like my brother, he doesn't have feelings for me." Bullsh*t! If he's sitting there with you and doesn't have a GF, he is in some way trying to get with you. Men aren't interested in hearing about your dating woes unless they think it can get them somewhere. Women who DON'T get that men are looking after their own opportunities are simply naive, and my guess is, willfully deceiving themselves so as to not feel guilty that they're emotionally dumping all over some dude. My ex would routinely go out with guys. While we were together. For drinks. Red flag much?? And then she would tell me about texts she got from them, professing their love. F*cking disgusting, yet I always found it amusing, since she was "mine". And of course she would act all surprised and tell me I was right, since I had told her they all wanted to f*ck her. Never mind the fact that her boundaries were so porous that we never stood a chance. Lesson learned by me on that one. Anyway, quit it with this male friends thing. Hang out with your girls. I'm amazed it's taken you this long to know that men, ALL men, want sex. And now you feel "betrayed". By what? Nature? I really think it's time to grow up on that one. Men are for dating. Women are for friendship. If you cross the lines, you're going to be disappointed. Edited September 25, 2015 by Oregon_Dude 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 Why does a guy hitting on you make you lose faith in humanity? Because it wasn't just 'one guy' and that wasn't her intention. They were supposed to be friends, not potential bedfellows. Honestly some guys are so obtuse. Particularly those who can't think above the belt.... Why does everything have to be about sex? Too much sex, not enough sex, is the sex good enough, can I get sex...Jeesh.... Even the word itself, after a while and with repetition, becomes stupid and meaningless...
Author thejabberwocky Posted September 25, 2015 Author Posted September 25, 2015 Why does a guy hitting on you make you lose faith in humanity? It's not a guy hitting on me, it's that someone I've considered a close friend for 10 years attempted to take advantage of my heartbreak as his shot at coming on to me.
Author thejabberwocky Posted September 25, 2015 Author Posted September 25, 2015 And to everyone else, I have girlfriends and I have guy friends. This particular incident that upset me so much was a guy I've been good friends with for 10 years. We've both been in and out of relationships during this time and he's never come on to me or ever made me feel uncomfortable, so it was a shock. Even during my relationship, I had plenty of friends - both girls and guys - that I'd hangout with one-on-one and never had an issue. I don't believe that it's wrong or weird to have friends of the opposite sex. I'm upset that I'm just now realizing these particular friends are scumbags who are taking advantage of my situation. A true friend doesn't take advantage of you - guy or girl. If any of these guys had developed feelings for me, they could've waited until I wasn't so depressed and talked to me about it in a respectful way. This was creepy and uncalled for.
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