I think I may love the person I thought he was and not the person he is.

[Soul Searching JJ]

My situation is a complicated one...

 

I grew up in a normal household (at least as normal as any other) with 6 siblings and two very hardworking and loving parents who just celebrated their 40th anniversary. After dating my high school sweetheart for 3 years, I was ready to move on to bigger and better things. He wanted to stay in the little small town he grew up in, never venture out to college or even take trips. I on the other hand wanted to go away to school and see the world. My sweetheart begged for me to stay and go to a local college in the area; which I unfortunately did for the first year. It did not at all meet my expectations and I was miserable. After seeing my older brother graduate from a huge out of state college I decided to break up with my sweetheart and move on. This is where my life changed forever. I had all kinds of great plans in mind and even though I hadn't spoke to my then sweetheart in three weeks...the day I got back from this trip, he gave me a surprise visit which ended my youth and threw me into parenthood.

 

We were married just two months later and I knew on the wedding night that it would never last. When I looked for him at the reception to dance, he yelled at me at said that it was his party and wanted to spend it with his friends. I couldn't even wake him up to consummate the wedding night! This continued and his drinking was out of control - I filed for divorce a year later. He dropped off the radar and missed our sons first two wonderful years of life. I bought a house, raised my son on my own and had a nice life.

 

I went on only a few dates over the span of 6 years with one serious relationship in which I turned down his marriage proposal - I just didn't feel what I needed to. Two in half years later without any intimacy in my life I began to feel a little desperate. This is when I met my now husband and father of two more beautiful children. At the time, as a single parent I couldn't afford to "settle" for just anyone. It was immensely important to find the RIGHT one. We talked about everything that matters - God, Children, Morals, Marriage, Money... Everything fit. He was a real charmer and I thought he was gorgeous. His family lived in Florida and he suffered the same misfortunate history as I with one son from a previous marriage. He moved to Illinois just before I met him to pursue further education. He was independent, financially secure, ambitious, a wonderful father to my son, entertaining... you name it. We fell into love with each other and a year in a half later were engaged.

 

I began to drag my feet in setting a wedding date as things started to change. He moved in with me, was suddenly unemployed, slept until noon and didn't respect the house or anything of mine. He began to borrow money from me and take advantage of my independent style. I never needed anyone to "fix" things around the house I just did them - if the roof needed repair I got out a How to do it yourself book and did it. However, he began to destroy the house, garage, yard, my car... and when his son came up to visit for 9 weeks each summer; I had to take on the majority of the financial strain. I couldn't keep up and I had some serious doubts as to who he really was and whether or not we would work out.

 

He was always able to charm his way out of things and I continued to just deal with it all. He and his family kept pushing me to set a wedding date and I kept making excuses. Nine months went by and then it happened. To this day I think it was a trap. For one week we had to use alternative methods of birth control due to a complication with my pills and after sex one night he claimed he "lost" the condom and must have put it on wrong or something. Needless to say I was forced to set the wedding date as we were now expecting.

 

After 11 months of engagement, we celebrated our marriage. I had dismissed my doubts as cold feet and a bad run of luck for him. Things only got worse and fast. Just two weeks after the wedding I accidentally walked in on him sending an email to another women. It had a naked picture of her attached with something about meeting! I was so horrified I threw up! We had a huge fight and weren't speaking - we talked and were going to try to make it thought this. Then I found the stockpile of porno's - about 18 different tapes, DVD's... I was again sick and couldn't believe it. When I had tried to have some "fun" before and suggested we watch a porno, he insisted he did not like them and wouldn't participate. Now I find 18 different ones...What is that?? Again, we have serious trouble... Then I find out that he is researching Porn on the computer and even signed himself up with his own nude web cam (which dumb me, I bought him to stay in touch with his son) website! We had great sex at least 4-5 nights out of the week so it wasn't like I didn't give him any attention. I called for an end to the marriage although he wouldn't leave and again we decided to try and make it past all of this.

 

Then I found the drugs. He had stashed some pot in my garage and I found it. I was so upset I almost lost it. He knew how I felt about drugs! I'm not a prude although am way too old to be stupid! I even did pot with him once - it was my first time and New Year’s Eve. But he knew it was a one time thing. I demanded he leave and again he wouldn't. He would charm me into feeling bad for him and we would try and move on. He had a messed up childhood - he was physically and emotionally abused throughout his childhood and potentially sexually (because he claims he can't recall the whole situation) and always makes me feel bad for him after we have an argument.

 

He habitually lies and claims he doesn’t know why he does, has since been diagnosed with Anxiety disorder, depression, Adult ADD, drug addiction and a few I may have already forgotten. I have since found out his son has ADD and his family is riddled with mental disorders. He is a delight to anyone who meets him and can charm the pants off of almost anyone. However, underneath this con-artist, lies the real him. He has confessed that he lied to me about everything before we got married because he didn't think I would marry him if I knew. Well, he was right, I wouldn't have. I would have attempted to help him through his troubles and waited to see what happened. Now there are kids involved and I can't get him out of my house. I think I still love him but don't even trust my own thoughts. I think I may love the person I thought he was and not the person he is.

 

He sobs uncontrollably when I tell him he needs to leave and I held strong the last time for over an hour while he held our infant son and kept begging me - "just don't make me leave my kids...and I do love you..." Regardless of what differences we suffer, I would never keep the kids from him - he does love them and he is wonderful to them. He convinces me that he doesn't want to be the person he is although I don't think it is fair for me to want to "change" him. I mean yes the drugs, depression, sex issues... all of those things should be dealt with but not who you are on the inside.

 

I don't want to spend my energy trying to fix someone else. I don't want to spend my energy trying to figure out if he is hiding drugs or cheating on me or chasing after him because I think he may be lying. I don't feel it is fair for him to just expect me to deal with this and be his "savior" and bring him out from the person he really is.

 

He manipulates and charms friends, family, neighbors, and even strangers to believe that he is this great person and that I am materialistic and over react. Materialistic?!!? I shop at Wal-Mart and wear my clothes until they fall off or are so thin you can see right through them... I worked hard for the very little that I have and he thinks life is free. I supported him for the past 5 years... I hear stories from our neighbor that he tells them not to tell me...

 

Do I see him through the therapy and potentially risk several wasted years?? Even then, he may have a relapse... He has already been through 4 psychologists and has been put on medication although that won't help his deceitful personality...

 

Has anyone ever been though some thing like this? I don't want to be divorced twice with kids from two different fathers - I'll never date again. I'll never trust again. I will feel like I belong on Jerry Spinger... How can something like this happen to me?? I have a close knit family with great morals and all with advanced educational backgrounds and Solid financial standings. How did I fall into this dilemma so quick and stray from the norm in my family??

 

What do I do to stay sane and not loose my house to my now husband and end up living back with my parents at 31 years old broke with three children???

 

I need help either helping him or helping getting rid of him.

[JanieQP]

I hate to reply to your story with a book suggestion, but for help deciding whether to try to help him or to go, one book to look at is Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum.

 

It's definitely not a magic bullet - I used it to talk myself into staying with the guy I ended up marrying (well, he was so much better than what I expected from men based on what I'd seen in my parents' world), and a few years after that it helped me to leave him. But it might give you some new tools for looking at your situation.

 

And if you PM me, I'll give you the link of another web site that might be a real help to you.

[Soul Searching JJ]

Thanks for the note about the book. It may come in handy!

 

I have much resentment towards him for holding back on the truth about some of the problems he has. It was unfair of him to lie about so many things just to make sure I would marry him first. Now there are kids involved - this is just so unfair to them. If I just can't find the strength or courage to see him through his troubles or I feel that it may have a negative impact on the kids if I allow him to stay, we are all going to hurt.

 

He suffered so much abuse from different directions as a kid, he never had the chance it seems to move on to understand himself. Much of what he does now is like he is still a kid in search of himself and he wants me to be his conscience.

 

Ladyjane mentioned reactive attachment disorder (RAD)- this fits him to a tee - like they used him to write the description. I spoke with him about it last night and he is really interested in getting more information and talking to a professional about treatment. He has ALL the symptoms and suffered ALL the causes. He has depression, Anxiety, ADD...he is highly unorganized all the time, manipulative, deceitful, acts on things without a conscience - he has to stop, think and then say to himself or someone else - "that isn't right is it" before he knows what to do. Things that any other person would just know and react, he has to stop and think.

 

There are so many things about RAD (about 98-100%) that "fit". I just hope that RAD can be treated rather than just its symptoms. I may be a dreamer although it gives me some bit of relief that I may now know what is really going on other than I just married an ass.

[Lil Honey]

I think I may love the person I thought he was and not the person he is.

 

Not only that but it's likely that what you thought he was was really what you wanted. I mean you wanted him to be what you were looking for so in your mind, he was. You were looking at him with "rose-colored glasses".

 

This happens a lot. It happened to me. It's why people break up. The partner isn't who they thought they were. Either the partner stops being on their best behavior and shows who they "really" are. Or their mates take off the rose-colored glasses and see what they are really like.

 

Okay, I'm gonna quit now. I don't think I'm even making sense to myself. LOL (It's a good thing that it's Friday. )

[whichwayisup]

I'm real sorry to read your life story there...I feel for ya.

 

GET out now. Just do it. He's not the person he appeared to be in the past, he's a user, a druggie and porn addict and he shows signs of some very bazaar behaviour.

 

Kick him out, get a Divorce. Go with your gut now. IT's screaming to end this marriage.